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How can I be happy with myself and being alone?

The Network

The Network

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 7, 2010
Messages
1,970
I've been told time and time again that I need to be happy alone before I can have a real, strong relationship with a woman.

Usually this would be one of those things where I just think "OK I do this and think this and I'm good", but I can't, for the life of me, figure out how to be happy by myself. It's almost like depression, where people tell you to be happy, and it doesn't make sense to anyone else, but to you, there's no reason to be happy. For me, I can't think of a reason to be happy alone. I believe (currently) that I need love.
 
Been alone for a while and I figure I will always be. I work out and built a business for myself last year. That's what I like to do. I'm pretty proud of my work and don't think too much about being alone since it keeps me busy. At night it does hit me though.

I wouldnt' say I'm happy being alone but I'm OK with it. I would love to have someone who is crazy about me and be crazy about someone, but I also don't want to be these couples that I see who are miserable together. I am really scared of being one of those couples that just settle for each other just so they aren't alone but they resent each other so much that they are miserable. I see that so often it scares me. I'd much rather be alone in that case.

During the day I'm so busy that someone bugging me for my time would probably get on my nerves. lol It's the night time when it sucks. I think you have to find something you really love and do it. Then you will have something that keeps your focus and this other stuff doesn't even enter your mind much.
 
I focus on self development. I have two very strong mentors in my life which have helped me immensely over about the last 5 months. Make sure you have platonic relationships and that they're golden. Time management, expectation management, communication skills, seduction skills, sober living, self analysis(self therapy), journaling(sounds simple but shouldn't be overlooked). I spend alot of time driving and getting better at it which is deeply gratifying for a host of different reasons but for you it may be something else so find a passion/hobby and devote time to it. Get in touch with hobbies that might actually add something to your life. An example would be discovering new music because I like sharing it with people I meet. I know your pain but it's not impossible to get out of. I don't ascribe to the school of thought that depression is a chemical imbalance but rather old modes of thinking from childhood trauma and betrayals which is a more empowering philosophy because it means with proper self therapy you can sort your own life out. A good book on self therapy can be found on thewildtruth.net. Good luck :)
 
I've been alone now for 4 years after a looooong time marriage and it's fkn awesome. :) I have no pressure on me to make others happy, don't have to compromise, can do what I want etc; etc; etc; I don't even miss sex - if I want a girl, I'll just hire one and I get to pick what she looks like, no old bags for me. :) OP, I don't know how old you are but you'll find someone when you're ready first you have to start and love yourself before anyone can love you. A woman wants a man with confidence, so get yourself sorted out first. Good luck. :)
 
Lysis said:
Been alone for a while and I figure I will always be. I work out and built a business for myself last year. That's what I like to do. I'm pretty proud of my work and don't think too much about being alone since it keeps me busy. At night it does hit me though.

I wouldnt' say I'm happy being alone but I'm OK with it. I would love to have someone who is crazy about me and be crazy about someone, but I also don't want to be these couples that I see who are miserable together. I am really scared of being one of those couples that just settle for each other just so they aren't alone but they resent each other so much that they are miserable. I see that so often it scares me. I'd much rather be alone in that case.

During the day I'm so busy that someone bugging me for my time would probably get on my nerves. lol It's the night time when it sucks. I think you have to find something you really love and do it. Then you will have something that keeps your focus and this other stuff doesn't even enter your mind much.
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so true. i love making music on my pc. it satisfies me greatly

yeah its shit being alone at night but like you say being with someone i'm not that into to fight the existential void is not really me

i find i'm a genius at making and keeping friends and also at getting sex with hotties but relationships elude me and i have a dude on the go that began as sex but i'm not even sure i can be bothered pushing for a relationship. is there something wrong with me that i'm not that bothered?

i would love to cuddle at night and have sex on tap but beyond that the appeal is limited unless you cannot afford to buy a house on your own or you spend too much time with your friends who are couples which is when i find myself wanting a partner.

i would much prefer babies to a partner but as a gay thats not an easy set up currently
 
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Lysis said:
I am really scared of being one of those couples that just settle for each other just so they aren't alone but they resent each other so much that they are miserable. I see that so often it scares me. I'd much rather be alone in that case.
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Ditto.

I would rather be alone then feel stuck in some mediocre relationship that slowly descends into resentment for each other. I've been on my own now for almost two years.. not just with relationships but social circles too. It's not exactly been a pleasant couple of years but it's also been interesting to observe how I adjust to been alone for prolonged periods of time.

There's nothing I enjoy more then putting on some headphones, listening to music and chilling out online with reading,forums or writing. It's what I do in my down-time. I miss the intimacy and sex of relationships, but I always find them to be a massive compromise of my own freedom. I also travel a lot for long periods of time and this doesn't work for relationships.

I think Lysis hit the mark: You need to identify what you love doing and then go and do it. I'm of the opinion that relationships should always come second in life to your passions and interests.
 
I think you really need to be yourself, accept yourself, be happy yourself... before you get into a serious relationship.

Figuring out what you love doing isn't always easy and it can change but try and figure these things out yourself. You don't need another person around to help you figure this out.
 
I struggle with this emptiness when I don't have anyone...not anyone to call or hang out with. I am trying to be ok on my own, but there is this void always sucking me in. It can never be fulfilled. Dating can make things worst in a way because people have their own lives, they don't want to try to feel the hollow inside of you all the time. And sometimes dating can do more damage to your self-esteem.

I need to be all with myself right now. Working out, eating right, reading, getting out of the house more. Plus, if you date, you want something positive to share with someone about your day. It's not fair to suck someone in when you're not in a good place.

The loneliness tortures me at night. I wish I had more guys in my corner. I shut down the dating site until I really try to build self-esteem and know my worth. Done settling for less than I deserve.

All the love in the world isn't going to help you love yourself because there is still something missing inside you that you can only fix. I have the best concert coming next month so that's keeping me looking forward to something. I'm back to focusing on getting better shape. I'm not going to accept any loser that comes my way just so I'm not alone.

When guys pick up that you're happy on your own, you become more attractive.
 
Another thing is I always treat guys nice. If I like a guy, I don't play games. I let him know how I feel because these fucking morons would rather chase girls who don't give them any attention and leave them hanging. Those are they type of girls guys seem to fall for. I'm backing up and not paying these idiots more attention then they deserve.
 
Take yourself out to dinner, alone. Do stuff by yourself. Learn about what you like, don't like, how you react in certain social situations. Begin to learn your strengths and weaknesses, that way when you gain confidence, you can attract someone and know exactly what you want. A relationship isn't going to teach you these things. You need to figure all this out that way you know how to love yourself and balance that love with someone else. I've grown to see that relationships when you know and love yourself are a lot more fulfilling than the ones where you were codependent on someone else needing their reassurance at all times. Seeking therapy also isn't the worst option either. It will teach you the necessary tools to cope.
 
I found that I was quite happy alone when I was taking modafinil but am not ok being alone without it. I get sad and lonely nowadays when alone. Interesting side affect I think.
 
And I agree that therapy may be helpful for you - even if you don't think you need it. I has really helped lots of people I know who may have gone down a different path without it. If you are in the UK and most other developed countries you can get it free through the NHS or equivalent. In the US I am not so sure how affordable it is - perhaps someone else comment. If you are feeling alone and sad I am sure speaking to someone about it in person will help. Though obviously feedback on the forum is helpful too - at least you know you are not the only one that feels this way at the moment
 
banadam said:
I found that I was quite happy alone when I was taking modafinil but am not ok being alone without it. I get sad and lonely nowadays when alone. Interesting side affect I think.
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This is not me recommending taking this drug as it alters your mood and for me it was positive but may not be helpful for everyone. In fact it could have the opposite affect if it affects your sleep or something
 
I'm used to it, so it doesn't bother me a bit... Plus I am very introverted, along with sever social anxiety... So I kind of perfer being alone.. I isolate.. I do socialize with people I know and am comftorable around, but most of the time I am alone... Social media is a great thing for people like me, who still want some human interaction..
 
I am 43 and have been alone for all but 3 years of my life, including 15 years in a row. I was always on the lookout for love, dated enough, but it just never worked out. I would get depressed every time my heart was broken and everyone would say I need to be alone first and that would piss me off because COME ON 15 years of being alone isn't enough?! I am independent, never needed a man to pay for anything, never needed anyone to help me out in any way...but people have needs, and i'm sorry but friends don't fullfill all your needs. Humans need to be touched, and I don't mean the occasional 2 second hug from a friend or casual acquaintance. And shallow meaningless touching doesn't help either (sorry to anyone into one night stands, I just think they are a band aid trying to cover a gaping wound).

I was never 100% happy when I was single and after so many years of it in a row I guess my base level happiness kept lowering, meaning it wouldn't take much to make me happy when it comes to men. Wow I think I just had a personal revelation about myself there...

Anyway, don't worry, there's nothing wrong with you for being human and needing love. People who tell you that you have to be alone probably haven't been alone for longer than a few months themselves.
 
You can be happy with yourself and alone and still feel lonely sometimes, just as you can be in a loving relationship and still feel unhappy at times.

The problem I see with you OP is that you state that you cannot think of a single reason to be happy without a partner. This is an issue for so many reasons and it will certainly impact a relationship negatively. Maybe you do have depression?
 
I am alone most of the time and have spent the last few years very isolated, however I have come to very much enjoy my own company. The key here is having hobbies that you are passionate about and take your mind off life. With these hobbies I am able to entertain myself for long periods of time. Also having things that entertain your mind will help with cravings to use, it helps me at least.

These hobbies I speak of are surfing, video games, playing guitar, music, movies, reading. I swear my passion for surfing and video games saved my life... OP find hobbies that you LOVE and you will grow to enjoy these things, which leads to you being content with yourself.
 
You have incredible hobbies! Sometimes I feel lonely, but I've come to realize I'm happy alone now. I don't want to deal with a relationship and the drama that comes with it. I don't have the energy for people. It's like prison. Most of the time, I want to be left alone.
 
Mel22 said:
You can be happy with yourself and alone and still feel lonely sometimes, just as you can be in a loving relationship and still feel unhappy at times.

The problem I see with you OP is that you state that you cannot think of a single reason to be happy without a partner. This is an issue for so many reasons and it will certainly impact a relationship negatively. Maybe you do have depression?
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it will certainly feel needy if you get with someone who has their own life and is independent and you rely on them to make you happy.

unrealistic.

i want kids much more than i want a partner though i cant be arsed with being a single parent
 
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