Hoping to get some advice from others with experience - methadone

[Methadonebabydoll]

My name is Vanessa, I live right outside of Philly. I grew up in Jersey, when I was 13 my mom married a scumbag who got me hooked on percs and morphine. He eventually shot me up when I was 18. That was the end for me. I was hooked immediately. I had on and off really bad bouts with Xanax/kpins. In the past 3 years I've spent at least a full year in the hospital. I'm epileptic and they had to intubate me to stop the seizures. Ive had so many horrible experiences bc of chasing the money to get high. On one of my most recent bouts in the hospital, I went in for seizures and told them I was taking street methadone bc I didn't want to be dopesick while I was there. The doctor came from the clinic to talk to me and asked me if I wanted to get on methadone matienence. In the last year and a half I went from 30mg to 250mg. Apparently I'm a fast metabolizer. I couldn't stay clean, and the 2 hour commute to the clinic was brutal while coming off rent. I decided to do long term rehab. I'm in a much better clinic now and I'm living in a recovery house, which I can't stand, but it is what it is. Just the amount of methadone I'm on kind of scares me. I've heard many diff opinions. Some people say don't focus on the number, others say I screwed myself. I just wanted to get through 24 hours without feeling like crap. I finally stabilized somewhat. Sorry for my long rant. I hope it's not too off topic for this forum.
I just feel so depressed and last week had my first ever horrible dysphoric mania and had a nervous breakdown. Every day I come so close to saying fuck it and I really hope things get better. I just hope I didn't make a huge mistake getting on methadone. When they asked me if I wanted to in the ICU I was all doped up on Ativan. IDK.. I just know I'm 23 and I don't want to waste anymore time being miserable.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

@Methadonebabydoll - i'll shoot this over to Health and Recovery where you will receive better support and advice, and add "methadone" to the title.

I too have bipolar disorder. It can really be destructive. Are you on a stabilizer and antipsychotic? Those two drugs saved my life, literally.

Welcome to Bluelight Vanessa.

 

[jhjhsdi]

Have you spoken to them about lowering your dose? I'm no expert on methadone but I know 250 is a LOT lol. I've only ever heard of one higher dose and that was this one guy who was in rehab with me and when he came in he was on 400! He got checked in for 12 months whereas everyone elses maximum stay was 3 months. I left (got kicked out) after 1 month so I don't know what happened to him.
Welcome to BL, it's a great place.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I just know I'm 23 and I don't want to waste anymore time being miserable.

If it is something you want it will eventually come your way: This can only happen if one stays the course and does not cave in to the delusions that it is pointless, too difficult or "the world would be a better place without me". These are all untrue and without merit.
Welcome to bluelight. It would seem a bit grandiose to point out that here may be the best place to deal with some of ones angst as a lot of us have been through everything that was posted and more. It may be possible that some of the content here is able to bring back a laugh of joy, a tear of hope or some insight into not only where ya at in recovery but where it may lead in the near or distant future. All of this can be of great help as it will at the least help distract oneself from the quagmire one may find oneself to be in and offer respite and comfort.
Great to have you as not only can one find many who can relate here (peers), but also may afford a place other souls of like mind to mingle, encourage and heal one another. Sometimes the recovery industry will put us all in the same basket and try to treat everyone the same... not cool, IMO. Not rallying one to cry "fuck the recovery industry" but can say with conviction that BL has given me more tools to work with in the last few years than I had collected in 50 yrs prior. I fucking love this place.
Hoping one finds some solace and/or encouragement while visiting BL and also hope that one finds it cozy and friendly enough to make it ones home away from home.
Rooting for you!
Bets always.