Afghan_Tourist
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2012
- Messages
- 31
I'm currently just posting this because of an unexpected turn of events which I've gone through today and current life plans with me not knowing what to do... I'm really high and just need to let these memories go out somewhere so somebody can read them.
I started 2011 by getting kicked out of my University (Third time dropping out for me) for Overdosing on an array of drugs and 30 empty bottles of (illegal in this country) Vodka, Whiskey, and Gin. It was my own stupidity, Why did I do it? I felt lost, hated the topic I was studying even though it was one topic I picked up really easily and was good at. (I.T)
Before this I kicked the my habitual use of Amphetamines after multiple experiences with psychosis...
I've never had any relationships with any girls, I'd always been the introvert/loser during highschool except amongst the drug-crowd because I could score some good shit here and there. The only real friends I had happened to be the ones I got my drugs from except maybe one or two people... I felt awful, depressed, and going to these parties with tons of people I didn't know whome I did not enjoy being around except maybe the two or three people which I was friends with. I simply didn't have the confidence to talk with anyone, I'd be the guy who was high, if you'd asked for some pills or weed that I most likley had some on me and gladly shared some with you but rarely talked and followed my close friends nearby.
Using Amphetamines to boost my confidence, I found myself to be more talkative and believed people might actually enjoy being around me... What a fool I was, really... I just used more, and more, and more, combined with drugs I shouldn't have, went to the psych-ward going crazy, schizo-typical effects on me, losing my job, dropping out from College (For the second time), being homeless for a month, losing all friends close to me and shamefully being found in the hospital after a Valium/Speed/Alcohol Overdose... Still using Amphetamines, with the close friends who still had faith in me cleaning myself up, yet eventually going through psychosis again after a Mushroom/Speed binge. I used 12 Pills with 3 G's or P. Cubensis. I initially only planned on the P. Cubensis but I ended up going to a party, alone because nobody would go with me, and seeing a lot of people who saw me at the worst of times. A few girls I really wanted to get to know but was still too underconfident to talk to. I started with 1 crushed pill in the washroom, terrible thoughts went through my mind and I ended up going in there and eating the rest of my stash of speed. One girl in particular who I felt an extreme connection with and talked with a lot I ended up finding out she may have had sex with one of my best friend... I wasn't sure, I assumed so... I was a straight-up fuck-up back then, why would she want me? He was a better person to talk with, made sense when he talked wheras I lost myself a lot and looked perma-fried... Paranoia and everything made me extremly depressed and untrusting of all those around me...
In the end they all cared about me and I couldn't see it...
I managed to drive home later that night through all that, yes imagine that, and nobody noticed a thing... I sat in my bed for 3 days, staring at the ceiling, going through horrible thoughts, hallucinations of memories I really wished to forget, and reminiscing on myself as a failure in life...
At a certain point I took more speed and ended up calling 911 thinking there was gunshots and I heard family members being killed downstairs. They took me to the psych-ward after I was explaining about the voices in my head. I didn't know what to think, what to do, I was ashamed of myself once again.
After this, I moved out of that country and came to Afghanistan to start on a clean slate.
Before I was using drugs my parents marital relationship was on a steady downfall. For whatever reason they both felt I could feel what they went through wheras my brothers/sister kind of blocked out what they went through. At the same time, after overdosing multiple times, habitually using drugs, getting caught by my family, they blamed one another for me as a fuck-up. I am the reason their relationship is so fucked up.
By 2011, they are married but they live in separate countries... I come to where my mom is and realize she may be having an affair with another man. What do I do about this? It's awful, at the same time she assumes he is having an affair with another women, or possibly plotting her to die from high stress (She suffers from heart-conditions and diabetes and blood-pressure issues) so he could re-marry.
They both go around at random hours, refuse to talk with one another and I am a mediator between their arguments and fights when they refuse to pick up their phones being that they live on 2 sides of the world.
One day she went crazy, almost tried to shoot my older brother in the face (Thankfully the pistol's safety was on) and I just couldn't take her bullshit any longer. At this time they were both in the same country, she is blaming him on cheating on her or that stupid fucking thing about when she dies or is killed that he will finally be free of her and marry this women who he talks to, I ended up just questioning her "Who the hell is ____? Why do you go out and talk secretly on the balcony with him? Why are you so happy to see him when you do? Where the hell do you go during these times?" etc... etc... My dad kind of freaked out not knowing what to do by this point. My mother breaks down and goes crazy, and hates me for this.
Through all this, I was trying to study, get my life together and actually met a girl who may have had similar experiences that I could really relate to... She couldn't open up to the point that I am right here, but she'd been through a Cocaine overdose and I felt really comfortable talking to her about my past issues... I really wish things worked out but then I find out from my other University friends that she was simply fucking around with me, making a fool of me, and happened to be sleeping with other dudes just playing me out as a joke, as "that trippy guy from ____ who's a messed up druggy" .... A fucking joke...
I just started using my Ketamine and other drugs to an extreme amount trying to find a solution to this situation, or escape it, or something... I really did not know what I was doing.
I say "overdose" but it was more of a suicide attempt... I just couldn't take it anymore so I mixed a bunch of chemicals and Moonshine liqour hoping my breathing or heart would stop during my extreme K-Hole of 1 Gram Injected, and 1 Gram Insufflated.
Apparently I was out from 6pm until about 8:30-9pm when one of the dorm-mates was trying to get a hold of me to help them with an English Essay, they found me unconcious with the bottle of Moonshine on the table thinking I got alcohol poisoning.
I woke up around 11pm with one of my parents family friends standing over me shaking his head... Floating in and out of conciousness... I couldn't believe god wouldn't just let me go. What the fuck is the meaning of my life, why do I have to continue with this shit?
Thought of going into the Military and following suit with most of my family, make them proud of me for something... Ended up getting a full-time job at a Charity Organization which teaches street-children who cannot afford educations.
I was very happy with myself... Than this girl comes into my life. She's new to the organization, very bright, good-looking, studied psychology and for whatever reason really reminded me of past-loves ....
We get to know each other and realize we have similar views on life, religion (that we both haven't found what we were raised with to stick with us and were in search of spirituality)... I really loved being around her any chance I could... She comes from a more hard-lined family and clearly lives a secret life in and out of the house for her own safety. In this place, if she doesn't agree or follow the fathers orders, or embarrasses/shames them she would be kicked out, accused by something and maybe stoned to death, or worse (Some girls here have Acid thrown into their faces or worse)
I'm being presumptious in this sense, I don't think her parents would do something that horrible but at the same time she could suffer extreme consequences from others...
I really wanted to help her be happy as much as her just being there relieved my drug-tensions, family issues, and memories of bad times. She was an escape from reality for me as much as a drug like Heroin was.
By this time I really tried, tried hard but through my own confidence issues, and continuing stresses at home, and even my continued drug use (Which now included Heroin and Methamphetamine...again...) I ended up making a complete fool out of myself... Turned into a serious junkie, nodding off at work, not in front of the kids because I would never do that, but after classes I'd be resting on the couch half-asleep in a state of bliss... At nights I would continue, and then I would go through some withdrawl from not using.
This got worse and worse, and she clearly realized "what the fuck, ____ you've changed or maybe I didn't really know you, I don't want anything to do with this Junkie"
Nobody knew how I felt about her at the time except her... One day one of my friends and I were driving, and I told him how I felt about her and me thinking that "maybe this can work out for me... like I really cared for her" and he kind of laughed it off saying thats good for me...
Nothing worked out for me, I was torn apart inside and continued using the Heroin/Meth combo's or on their own for myself to kind feel good about myself. A month after I tell my friend, by then I tell him "nah it didn't work out for me, whatever..." and shit like that, he then feels alright with sharing some information with me...
What did I see? well apparently they've been together for a little while, around the same time I presume that I started seeming like a Junkie and she started ignoring me...
He showed some videos, some photos, you get the deal. The video, I wasn't so sure of though when he's laughing and showing a video of him fucking a girl while saying her name outloud you sort of assume it.
I laughed it off and played like it was nothing but at that point everything just kind of shattered. I decided FUCKING GODDAMNIT I have to stop using Heroin, I have to stop using these drugs and I need to get myself into order... Couldn't get my mind off her even though from what I'd seen she's clearly aware of what I am (A junkie) and that she found someone better.
But it was too late, I suffered extreme withdrawl symptoms, and I just couldn't handle being at work anymore, I told my boss that I'm sorry but I quit from here on out. He freaked out because I was a needed asset to the organization and was doing a great job apparently... I met with him the next day and explained my habitual Heroin/Meth use and told him that I was suffering from withdrawls and stresses which I wouldn't go into detail about, and that I simply cannot be in that workplace at the time...
I am thankful for him being such an understanding person as well as the other staff members... He brought my family in and we sat down, had a meeting with my mother breaking down, again, about my drug-use and I was informed that I will not get any more chances. If I am suspected of being high, anywhere anytime, I am gone from my work.
That day he gave me a raise, and moved up my position. He probably felt I needed this boost in confidence and I completely did. He probabley still doesn't realize how thankful I am that he gave me this oppurtunity...
I finally felt I was making progress, and while this girl, my co-worker, was still there and I still thought of her, I was moving on up and just felt happy for her and my other friend. Decided it's probably best for them to just do their thing and I go find somebody who would be by my side during the worst of times...
A bout 2 months later, my Grandfather is murdered by a suicide bomb attack. His corpse had his entire head blown off from the bottom of the neck-upwards. I know this because I rushed over there with my Mother 1 hour after it happened as soon as we heard about it. There was blood everywhere, there where bits of what I believe to be my Grandfathers brain splattered on the roof of the room. it was black with burnt parts everywhere. The suicide bombers body was still in the room. Blood, so much blood. I have never seen my mother in so much grief. I tried to help her and be by her side as much as I could. Even through all I knew she always thought about how much of a bastard my Father may be, and that he probably was thinking terrible thoughts about her passing away so he could marry a younger women or something.
My mother fainted at one point grabbing her heart, possibly with a minor heart-attack. I prayed this wouldn't happen, I wouldn't be able to handle losing her and my grandfather on the same night...
After a week of mourning, I was back to work... I remembered many things my grandfather had said every time I'd seen him. I regret so much that I didn't go out to visit him before he passed away and speak with him as much as I could. At this point I was secretly using Ketamine trips occasionally to boost my mental state because of the aftereffect of anti-deppresion it could bring about... I was working hard with my music once again and trying to bring it out.
This girl is out of my mind/life though lingering in the back. I meet new people and am again trying to find somebody who makes me happy to the point where I wouldn't need a chemical dependance to be complete... Nobody yet but with help of friends, going out a bit more to parties or dinners, I am content with my life at that moment.
Suddenly, for whatever reason, this girl comes and starts talking again. Out of the blue. After some time, she comes out and says she cares a lot for me, I assume she could want a relationship or something? I don't know. Now my mind goes back in time... What about the time I was using Heroin and got ignored/rejected horribly? What about sleeping with a friend of mine on video? Was that her? I don't know and I don't feel like asking? Can I even trust her? Really now?
Do I really need to bring myself through those past feeling again... I have enough troubles at the moment to be playing these fucking games... I worry everyday about when my mother may end up stabbing my father or older brother because of her clearly unstable state of mind, or dying because she has such bad health. I worry about where I am going to go in the future. I worry about what if she really is just tryinng to make a fool out of me? If she did it before, like - again? REALLY?
My brain isn't right from all the drug-use, I know this. My personality is fucked up at times, I know this. I know I have my bad problems with drug/alcohol use (Even though I've gotten much better) - I know all this...
I'd always felt that because of her kindness/intelligence/understanding personality/clean state of mind (She doesn't drink/smoke/use drugs) she could be the one to stay by me and help me fix myself for good - even if she leaves me eventually...
Now I may be getting a new job, hopefully a dream career as a sound engineer, something I've wanted to do since I was 14... And yet, leaving this workplace will probably throw out any oppurtunity I could have with this girl.. Maybe I don't need her? Maybe I can fix my problems on my own... ? I really don't know because I've failed at that for the past X amount of years...
I just wish things were a lot more simple in life, and that I could really explain myself in words not just text written on a forum to anonymous users. I just wish I could blank out and insert fake memories for the first 19 years of my life so I wouldn't have all this baggage sitting up there to think and worry about...
My biggest regret? Probably my first serious drug-use - overdosing on Datura Stramonium... Ever since that time I have had a permenant 'trip' state of mind, and had many memories down to when I was a child come back to me. This was when I was 15 when I overdosed on Datura. Ever since every action, every decision, everything I've done is almost clear as day, and going through memories in my brain, is like accessing a file on a computer... You can pick one out, look at the date of creation, the properties, what type it is, and what the files is used for... Only they are my memories and it's like dissecting what made me the way I am... And I cannot find solutions to many of my problems...
Only with my memories its just terrible things which I cannot get over until some serious changes happen in my life...
So confused... So tired... Just want to be free but after 4 Near Death Experiences I don't know if god needs me here for a purpose or because of punishments that I go through my mental state...
Being damaged psychologically is worse than anything else in the world, I just wish there was a pill that would fix this feeling, or something...
I started 2011 by getting kicked out of my University (Third time dropping out for me) for Overdosing on an array of drugs and 30 empty bottles of (illegal in this country) Vodka, Whiskey, and Gin. It was my own stupidity, Why did I do it? I felt lost, hated the topic I was studying even though it was one topic I picked up really easily and was good at. (I.T)
Before this I kicked the my habitual use of Amphetamines after multiple experiences with psychosis...
I've never had any relationships with any girls, I'd always been the introvert/loser during highschool except amongst the drug-crowd because I could score some good shit here and there. The only real friends I had happened to be the ones I got my drugs from except maybe one or two people... I felt awful, depressed, and going to these parties with tons of people I didn't know whome I did not enjoy being around except maybe the two or three people which I was friends with. I simply didn't have the confidence to talk with anyone, I'd be the guy who was high, if you'd asked for some pills or weed that I most likley had some on me and gladly shared some with you but rarely talked and followed my close friends nearby.
Using Amphetamines to boost my confidence, I found myself to be more talkative and believed people might actually enjoy being around me... What a fool I was, really... I just used more, and more, and more, combined with drugs I shouldn't have, went to the psych-ward going crazy, schizo-typical effects on me, losing my job, dropping out from College (For the second time), being homeless for a month, losing all friends close to me and shamefully being found in the hospital after a Valium/Speed/Alcohol Overdose... Still using Amphetamines, with the close friends who still had faith in me cleaning myself up, yet eventually going through psychosis again after a Mushroom/Speed binge. I used 12 Pills with 3 G's or P. Cubensis. I initially only planned on the P. Cubensis but I ended up going to a party, alone because nobody would go with me, and seeing a lot of people who saw me at the worst of times. A few girls I really wanted to get to know but was still too underconfident to talk to. I started with 1 crushed pill in the washroom, terrible thoughts went through my mind and I ended up going in there and eating the rest of my stash of speed. One girl in particular who I felt an extreme connection with and talked with a lot I ended up finding out she may have had sex with one of my best friend... I wasn't sure, I assumed so... I was a straight-up fuck-up back then, why would she want me? He was a better person to talk with, made sense when he talked wheras I lost myself a lot and looked perma-fried... Paranoia and everything made me extremly depressed and untrusting of all those around me...
In the end they all cared about me and I couldn't see it...
I managed to drive home later that night through all that, yes imagine that, and nobody noticed a thing... I sat in my bed for 3 days, staring at the ceiling, going through horrible thoughts, hallucinations of memories I really wished to forget, and reminiscing on myself as a failure in life...
At a certain point I took more speed and ended up calling 911 thinking there was gunshots and I heard family members being killed downstairs. They took me to the psych-ward after I was explaining about the voices in my head. I didn't know what to think, what to do, I was ashamed of myself once again.
After this, I moved out of that country and came to Afghanistan to start on a clean slate.
Before I was using drugs my parents marital relationship was on a steady downfall. For whatever reason they both felt I could feel what they went through wheras my brothers/sister kind of blocked out what they went through. At the same time, after overdosing multiple times, habitually using drugs, getting caught by my family, they blamed one another for me as a fuck-up. I am the reason their relationship is so fucked up.
By 2011, they are married but they live in separate countries... I come to where my mom is and realize she may be having an affair with another man. What do I do about this? It's awful, at the same time she assumes he is having an affair with another women, or possibly plotting her to die from high stress (She suffers from heart-conditions and diabetes and blood-pressure issues) so he could re-marry.
They both go around at random hours, refuse to talk with one another and I am a mediator between their arguments and fights when they refuse to pick up their phones being that they live on 2 sides of the world.
One day she went crazy, almost tried to shoot my older brother in the face (Thankfully the pistol's safety was on) and I just couldn't take her bullshit any longer. At this time they were both in the same country, she is blaming him on cheating on her or that stupid fucking thing about when she dies or is killed that he will finally be free of her and marry this women who he talks to, I ended up just questioning her "Who the hell is ____? Why do you go out and talk secretly on the balcony with him? Why are you so happy to see him when you do? Where the hell do you go during these times?" etc... etc... My dad kind of freaked out not knowing what to do by this point. My mother breaks down and goes crazy, and hates me for this.
Through all this, I was trying to study, get my life together and actually met a girl who may have had similar experiences that I could really relate to... She couldn't open up to the point that I am right here, but she'd been through a Cocaine overdose and I felt really comfortable talking to her about my past issues... I really wish things worked out but then I find out from my other University friends that she was simply fucking around with me, making a fool of me, and happened to be sleeping with other dudes just playing me out as a joke, as "that trippy guy from ____ who's a messed up druggy" .... A fucking joke...
I just started using my Ketamine and other drugs to an extreme amount trying to find a solution to this situation, or escape it, or something... I really did not know what I was doing.
I say "overdose" but it was more of a suicide attempt... I just couldn't take it anymore so I mixed a bunch of chemicals and Moonshine liqour hoping my breathing or heart would stop during my extreme K-Hole of 1 Gram Injected, and 1 Gram Insufflated.
Apparently I was out from 6pm until about 8:30-9pm when one of the dorm-mates was trying to get a hold of me to help them with an English Essay, they found me unconcious with the bottle of Moonshine on the table thinking I got alcohol poisoning.
I woke up around 11pm with one of my parents family friends standing over me shaking his head... Floating in and out of conciousness... I couldn't believe god wouldn't just let me go. What the fuck is the meaning of my life, why do I have to continue with this shit?
Thought of going into the Military and following suit with most of my family, make them proud of me for something... Ended up getting a full-time job at a Charity Organization which teaches street-children who cannot afford educations.
I was very happy with myself... Than this girl comes into my life. She's new to the organization, very bright, good-looking, studied psychology and for whatever reason really reminded me of past-loves ....
We get to know each other and realize we have similar views on life, religion (that we both haven't found what we were raised with to stick with us and were in search of spirituality)... I really loved being around her any chance I could... She comes from a more hard-lined family and clearly lives a secret life in and out of the house for her own safety. In this place, if she doesn't agree or follow the fathers orders, or embarrasses/shames them she would be kicked out, accused by something and maybe stoned to death, or worse (Some girls here have Acid thrown into their faces or worse)
I'm being presumptious in this sense, I don't think her parents would do something that horrible but at the same time she could suffer extreme consequences from others...
I really wanted to help her be happy as much as her just being there relieved my drug-tensions, family issues, and memories of bad times. She was an escape from reality for me as much as a drug like Heroin was.
By this time I really tried, tried hard but through my own confidence issues, and continuing stresses at home, and even my continued drug use (Which now included Heroin and Methamphetamine...again...) I ended up making a complete fool out of myself... Turned into a serious junkie, nodding off at work, not in front of the kids because I would never do that, but after classes I'd be resting on the couch half-asleep in a state of bliss... At nights I would continue, and then I would go through some withdrawl from not using.
This got worse and worse, and she clearly realized "what the fuck, ____ you've changed or maybe I didn't really know you, I don't want anything to do with this Junkie"
Nobody knew how I felt about her at the time except her... One day one of my friends and I were driving, and I told him how I felt about her and me thinking that "maybe this can work out for me... like I really cared for her" and he kind of laughed it off saying thats good for me...
Nothing worked out for me, I was torn apart inside and continued using the Heroin/Meth combo's or on their own for myself to kind feel good about myself. A month after I tell my friend, by then I tell him "nah it didn't work out for me, whatever..." and shit like that, he then feels alright with sharing some information with me...
What did I see? well apparently they've been together for a little while, around the same time I presume that I started seeming like a Junkie and she started ignoring me...
He showed some videos, some photos, you get the deal. The video, I wasn't so sure of though when he's laughing and showing a video of him fucking a girl while saying her name outloud you sort of assume it.
I laughed it off and played like it was nothing but at that point everything just kind of shattered. I decided FUCKING GODDAMNIT I have to stop using Heroin, I have to stop using these drugs and I need to get myself into order... Couldn't get my mind off her even though from what I'd seen she's clearly aware of what I am (A junkie) and that she found someone better.
But it was too late, I suffered extreme withdrawl symptoms, and I just couldn't handle being at work anymore, I told my boss that I'm sorry but I quit from here on out. He freaked out because I was a needed asset to the organization and was doing a great job apparently... I met with him the next day and explained my habitual Heroin/Meth use and told him that I was suffering from withdrawls and stresses which I wouldn't go into detail about, and that I simply cannot be in that workplace at the time...
I am thankful for him being such an understanding person as well as the other staff members... He brought my family in and we sat down, had a meeting with my mother breaking down, again, about my drug-use and I was informed that I will not get any more chances. If I am suspected of being high, anywhere anytime, I am gone from my work.
That day he gave me a raise, and moved up my position. He probably felt I needed this boost in confidence and I completely did. He probabley still doesn't realize how thankful I am that he gave me this oppurtunity...
I finally felt I was making progress, and while this girl, my co-worker, was still there and I still thought of her, I was moving on up and just felt happy for her and my other friend. Decided it's probably best for them to just do their thing and I go find somebody who would be by my side during the worst of times...
A bout 2 months later, my Grandfather is murdered by a suicide bomb attack. His corpse had his entire head blown off from the bottom of the neck-upwards. I know this because I rushed over there with my Mother 1 hour after it happened as soon as we heard about it. There was blood everywhere, there where bits of what I believe to be my Grandfathers brain splattered on the roof of the room. it was black with burnt parts everywhere. The suicide bombers body was still in the room. Blood, so much blood. I have never seen my mother in so much grief. I tried to help her and be by her side as much as I could. Even through all I knew she always thought about how much of a bastard my Father may be, and that he probably was thinking terrible thoughts about her passing away so he could marry a younger women or something.
My mother fainted at one point grabbing her heart, possibly with a minor heart-attack. I prayed this wouldn't happen, I wouldn't be able to handle losing her and my grandfather on the same night...
After a week of mourning, I was back to work... I remembered many things my grandfather had said every time I'd seen him. I regret so much that I didn't go out to visit him before he passed away and speak with him as much as I could. At this point I was secretly using Ketamine trips occasionally to boost my mental state because of the aftereffect of anti-deppresion it could bring about... I was working hard with my music once again and trying to bring it out.
This girl is out of my mind/life though lingering in the back. I meet new people and am again trying to find somebody who makes me happy to the point where I wouldn't need a chemical dependance to be complete... Nobody yet but with help of friends, going out a bit more to parties or dinners, I am content with my life at that moment.
Suddenly, for whatever reason, this girl comes and starts talking again. Out of the blue. After some time, she comes out and says she cares a lot for me, I assume she could want a relationship or something? I don't know. Now my mind goes back in time... What about the time I was using Heroin and got ignored/rejected horribly? What about sleeping with a friend of mine on video? Was that her? I don't know and I don't feel like asking? Can I even trust her? Really now?
Do I really need to bring myself through those past feeling again... I have enough troubles at the moment to be playing these fucking games... I worry everyday about when my mother may end up stabbing my father or older brother because of her clearly unstable state of mind, or dying because she has such bad health. I worry about where I am going to go in the future. I worry about what if she really is just tryinng to make a fool out of me? If she did it before, like - again? REALLY?
My brain isn't right from all the drug-use, I know this. My personality is fucked up at times, I know this. I know I have my bad problems with drug/alcohol use (Even though I've gotten much better) - I know all this...
I'd always felt that because of her kindness/intelligence/understanding personality/clean state of mind (She doesn't drink/smoke/use drugs) she could be the one to stay by me and help me fix myself for good - even if she leaves me eventually...
Now I may be getting a new job, hopefully a dream career as a sound engineer, something I've wanted to do since I was 14... And yet, leaving this workplace will probably throw out any oppurtunity I could have with this girl.. Maybe I don't need her? Maybe I can fix my problems on my own... ? I really don't know because I've failed at that for the past X amount of years...
I just wish things were a lot more simple in life, and that I could really explain myself in words not just text written on a forum to anonymous users. I just wish I could blank out and insert fake memories for the first 19 years of my life so I wouldn't have all this baggage sitting up there to think and worry about...
My biggest regret? Probably my first serious drug-use - overdosing on Datura Stramonium... Ever since that time I have had a permenant 'trip' state of mind, and had many memories down to when I was a child come back to me. This was when I was 15 when I overdosed on Datura. Ever since every action, every decision, everything I've done is almost clear as day, and going through memories in my brain, is like accessing a file on a computer... You can pick one out, look at the date of creation, the properties, what type it is, and what the files is used for... Only they are my memories and it's like dissecting what made me the way I am... And I cannot find solutions to many of my problems...
Only with my memories its just terrible things which I cannot get over until some serious changes happen in my life...
So confused... So tired... Just want to be free but after 4 Near Death Experiences I don't know if god needs me here for a purpose or because of punishments that I go through my mental state...
Being damaged psychologically is worse than anything else in the world, I just wish there was a pill that would fix this feeling, or something...
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