Hi. I’m new and I can’t seem to stop snorting cocaine.

[ItsPaganPoetry]

A year ago on my 38 birthday I was 2 years and some change sober off opioids and everything else besides weed. That same day I relapsed and decided to party with some people I haven’t seen in a long time and some people we just met. They had a connection for coke so we ended up getting half a gram and sharing it between the 4 of us. After that night, nothing was the same again. I ended up having the guy I met with the connect move in with me about a month later after some major flirting. From there on for about 6 months straight I did coke with him every single day. I was feeling great! I worked my ass off but didn’t even mind cuz I was just feeling so great and making good money which we spent of 8 balls, which we were at this point doing one 8 ball per week. He was abusive and didn’t want to work so eventually I told him to leave. That was rough on me because now I was just left alone with this addiction.
Almost immediately afterwards I did literally the same thing, having a guy move in and spend every day with me for the next 6 months. He also didn’t have a job. He was a friend of 10 years and confessed to wanting to be with me. I liked him back and I didn’t wanna be alone but doing coke together just started to take a toll on my financial situation. I have 12 credit cards and I work 2 jobs. I am disgusted by myself but have in the last week not spoken to him after an ugly argument where I asked him to leave and not come back. He crossed the line by calling me some really nasty names and blatantly trying to gaslight me into believing I am not doing enough for him.
Here I am now, broke, alone, but hey at least I have cocaine to keep me company. It’s miserable that I will so easily spend $200 on blow but then have no money to live otherwise. I am doing about an 8 per week or every 5 days or so. I do it at work. I do it at my mom’s house when visiting. I do it every day and I am kind of upset at the idea of drugs in general and how much I like and feel like I need them to numb myself. I have a lot of mental health issues which seem to have gotten somewhat better with cocaine use. Like ADHD. I am no longer depressed according to my psychiatrist. But if I stop I will go back to being pretty much useless. I am also medicated for ADHD with Adderall but I feel like I need cocaine in order to keep going with my jobs, paying my bills, my 12 credit cards, and feeling less depressed. No wonder Freud loved coke and was addicted to it. It changes your life but at what cost? I’m just praying I don’t die of a heart attack cuz it runs in my family and coke doesn’t help. Anyway I hope I didn’t violate any guidelines. I feel so good getting that off my chest. If anyone can relate please feel free to leave a comment.
Xoxo
Betty

 

[Richyoldtimer#76]

Hi Betty just wanna say I'm 45 and been a h addict all my adult life I also suffer with really bad depression when sober I'm in the UK and my habit has fucked my life because of the legal status costing me my career 2 relationships 2 houses and strained other family relationships I only use once in a morning and once at night and whilst using an quite happy and able to function the black cloud is just blown away if I had been able to get proper heroin on script my life could have been so different and I would have remained a productive member of society instead I'm made to feel like a feeble useless piece of scum when even my psychiatrist told me 25 yr ago I wasn't a typical junkie I was a high functioning addict just a shame UK law/consensus hasn't caught up in time for me

 

[Antiprosynthesis]

A year ago on my 38 birthday I was 2 years and some change sober off opioids and everything else besides weed. That same day I relapsed and decided to party with some people I haven’t seen in a long time and some people we just met. They had a connection for coke so we ended up getting half a gram and sharing it between the 4 of us. After that night, nothing was the same again. I ended up having the guy I met with the connect move in with me about a month later after some major flirting. From there on for about 6 months straight I did coke with him every single day. I was feeling great! I worked my ass off but didn’t even mind cuz I was just feeling so great and making good money which we spent of 8 balls, which we were at this point doing one 8 ball per week. He was abusive and didn’t want to work so eventually I told him to leave. That was rough on me because now I was just left alone with this addiction.
Almost immediately afterwards I did literally the same thing, having a guy move in and spend every day with me for the next 6 months. He also didn’t have a job. He was a friend of 10 years and confessed to wanting to be with me. I liked him back and I didn’t wanna be alone but doing coke together just started to take a toll on my financial situation. I have 12 credit cards and I work 2 jobs. I am disgusted by myself but have in the last week not spoken to him after an ugly argument where I asked him to leave and not come back. He crossed the line by calling me some really nasty names and blatantly trying to gaslight me into believing I am not doing enough for him.
Here I am now, broke, alone, but hey at least I have cocaine to keep me company. It’s miserable that I will so easily spend $200 on blow but then have no money to live otherwise. I am doing about an 8 per week or every 5 days or so. I do it at work. I do it at my mom’s house when visiting. I do it every day and I am kind of upset at the idea of drugs in general and how much I like and feel like I need them to numb myself. I have a lot of mental health issues which seem to have gotten somewhat better with cocaine use. Like ADHD. I am no longer depressed according to my psychiatrist. But if I stop I will go back to being pretty much useless. I am also medicated for ADHD with Adderall but I feel like I need cocaine in order to keep going with my jobs, paying my bills, my 12 credit cards, and feeling less depressed. No wonder Freud loved coke and was addicted to it. It changes your life but at what cost? I’m just praying I don’t die of a heart attack cuz it runs in my family and coke doesn’t help. Anyway I hope I didn’t violate any guidelines. I feel so good getting that off my chest. If anyone can relate please feel free to leave a comment.
Xoxo
Betty

I know how you feel all to well, Ive been addicted to coke for about 30 yrs, some periods of non stop abuse and some calmer periods during all those yrs, but when at my absolute deepest I also didnt see any way out, after all, coke was all I had left, I had no friends anymore and only associated with ppl just waiting to fuck me over, living in abonned dumps, no money left over for my most basic needs like food and so on...

Really depressing times in which dark thoughts contaminated my mind, I thought I was doomed to spent the most likely limited time I had left in this Hell, however, somehow I was able to make a huge change, I was clean of all drugs for about two full yrs, now Im actually back to do doing quite severe binges but I dont feel like I have lost control again, the only thing I need daily is weed but I dont consider that to be a problem, I have money enough to provide for myself, I have a nice home, got some friends of whom Im actually not that satisfied but at least they dont want to fuck me over first chance they get, and I even got a most wonderfull gf...

I consider myself very lucky these days, my past is filled with dark and tormented memories...

So anyway, I know it might not seem like it at this moment, but no matter how far you slip sliding away, there always is the very real possibility you will be able to completely transform your life, you can break that cycle youre in, it does take serious changes and the way back up is to be taken step by step, but its very doable, I was able to do it so by definition you are as well...

Since you got out of opi addiction I assume you already know very well what kind of road you are going to have to take sooner or later and that you are all too familiar with quitting a severe addiction, at least this time without the physical wd, maybe that thought can somehow lighten the load on your mind of whats ahead for you?

It just sucks rn, but you deserve a break, give yourself that break, it might very well be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but the reward is one of an infinite better life ...

I hope you will get there, you are worth all the effort.

 

[drmichaelimperioli]

Welcome! While you might need some time for your brain to readjust without it and won't have that buzz anymore, it will get easier to keep going without it. When any drug becomes a burden, it's better to get out sooner rather than later. And you already did it with opioids, which aren't fun to quit, so I think you can get off this one too! I abused prescription stimulants heavily from age 15 to 22, until I thought some of the fake ones I'd buy after running out of my script were about to give me a stroke. Felt like they were a lifesaver for my depression and ADHD. It seemed impossible to get anything done without them, but after awhile, I started to feel much more functional and better overall. I didn't realize how bad the negative effects had gotten til I spent a lot of time without them and felt so much better. I'm not completely off of them (and in the past week or 2 actually been using them a bit too heavily, been a really bad couple weeks for other reasons, but plan on stopping again) but for the most part I almost never crave/need them anymore. It's totally possible to get things done without them and, in many ways, it's even easier to do things since you don't have to worry about the ups and downs and the jitteriness and sleep deprivation and financial strain and erratic emotions etc etc. Now that I've been back on them for a few weeks, I really miss being off of them. Anyways, good luck! Just let yourself take it easy for a bit so you can get back to normal, it'll make things a lot less messy later on if you start working on it sooner.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Hi Betty just wanna say I'm 45 and been a h addict all my adult life I also suffer with really bad depression when sober I'm in the UK and my habit has fucked my life because of the legal status costing me my career 2 relationships 2 houses and strained other family relationships I only use once in a morning and once at night and whilst using an quite happy and able to function the black cloud is just blown away if I had been able to get proper heroin on script my life could have been so different and I would have remained a productive member of society instead I'm made to feel like a feeble useless piece of scum when even my psychiatrist told me 25 yr ago I wasn't a typical junkie I was a high functioning addict just a shame UK law/consensus hasn't caught up in time for me

Agree. I think the prescription of opiates to treat certain types of endogenous depression should never have been abandoned as a medical practice. In the time before the opium laws were introduced, someone like you could have been doing just fine with a clean regular supply of morphine.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

Hi Betty! I know how you feel, I was heavily using crack cocaine after my divorce from my ex (which partly occurred because of my drug use, but honestly, he was looking for a reason to leave long before then.) I was also using heroin and other hardcore drugs that I had always sworn I would never use, and I got myself into some pretty serious trouble a bunch of times. But if anyone can help and understand another addict, it’s the people on this site! Even if you don’t think you can completely stop using at this point in time, the folks on here can advise you about harm reduction and provide a sympathetic (and nonjudgmental) ear. Welcome to BL, you’re in the right place!

 

[Antiprosynthesis]

Also for me personally kratom made it possible for me to quit several addictions and I up until now was able to quit the kratom as well in time before that ever came a problem so kratom really has special value for me...