Trigger Warning Hey?!

[TexasRex0111]

Hmm hey, this is Melissa...this site has kept me afloat for a long time...Been running away for 30 of the 45 years on this planet...actually longer...
I realize I don't have a pot to piss in or a window ...blah blah blah ...
I was under the impression that if you believed in something greater that things would work themselves out....
I now believe I didn't know a damn thing and after this amount of time and betrayal and ability to let the ones I love...go....maybe I made the right choice because I never made myself right...
However, I don't believe I should still be hit, intimidated, humiliated, confused and taken for being an idiot....
I've been an addict/alcoholic since around age 11, when I was sexually abused and "given" to an older man by my mom at a bar. I have a lot to say on what happened after that and I don't know if it's worth the pain to try to figure it out but I've been stuck in my head so long I figure the time it would take is better than the focus I would have taken on the same old shit....
Man, I moved over 50 times before I was 20...
Help me let it go... I'm killing myself in regret and self hate...I was punished for imagination and sensitivity and I'm sorry I was the way I was...I'm so sorry. Any advice will be considered and tossed around...I don't talk to anyone really and the man I'm with doesn't get it. What it's like to be alone... There's so much more....so much...it's hard to ask for help without history... especially now at my age...If I can help ANYONE with my story it's worth it....I just spent the last three days in bed, wanting to die..the rest of the time I've been awake today and tonight my "man" just tried to confuse me and I settled back into old ways just to deal...I don't want to die...I'm stronger than most I know...where do I start digging out of this??

 

[TexasRex0111]

Oh yeah, favorite drug...meth when it makes me normal. I guess...no other drugs anymore and really meth is not one of my favorites either .... None. None are my favorite.

 

[TexasRex0111]

I had blue October tickets tonight but didn't go because I wasn't sober...also, after three days in bed and a lot of lies from my partner I figured he didn't really get the tickets and counted on me not wanting to go (especially because I Told him I didn't want to go and that the band made me sad, embarrassed and made me think of my ex husband) all of this is out of context and makes me sound nuts...another reason it's hard for me to reach out to people...aargh ..

 

[TexasRex0111]

11 years old! I've been struggling that long....I started cutting myself around that time to. Remember those little festivals with rides and tickets in the fall? I think I cut myself the first time with a warrant or poison glass mirror I "won"...begging God to make me like everyone else....

 

[deficiT]

Hey there, welcome to Bluelight. I can definitely relate to some of this and have dealt with a lot of similar things, instability, trauma, stuff like that, life can be hard and it's easy to fall into destructive patterns. Just take it a day at a time and keep moving forward the best you can.

I'm going to move your thread over to The Dark Side subforum and add a trigger warning for the discussion of trauma. This kind of discussion is best suited for that subforum.

But welcome again and I hope you are able to find some community here and a safe place to chat about your problems.