2012-2013:6 Months
Age:17
Location:Connecticut
Childhood seems so far away and yet I've barely taken any steps into adulthood, reached any milestones or however you'd prefer to express my lack of life experience. I'd never have imagined that I'd succumb to the temptation of substance abuse, then again those thoughts had never crossed my mind which is why I still reminisce of that innocence. How I could sit in awe as a rainbow reached across the sky, some mighty powers gift to the world as a pick me up for some sad soul or simply a highlight to an already beautiful day. My introduction to the temptress that would consume what little I've made for a life is as vivid and clear as the crisp summer days that have lost their magic. I cannot stress the torment I had experienced in my adolescent years between the beatings and the ridicule. You see I had worn hand me downs that I had quickly grown out of which had tacked on "homo/fag/insert genital* onto my titles of "coconut head and casper.". This experience had made me doubly grateful with my friends who had taken me under their wing during one of my solo cafeteria lunches which I had hardly gone to in the first place. My timidity was pretty obvious given my inability to converse with pretty girls sitting next to me or my inability to differentiate an insult from friendly ribbing. I wouldn't know until recently that they would equip me with the people skills and street smarts that I'm still very thankful for. Yet my immovable loyalty to them would be both a blessing and a curse.
"You down for a ride Tooooress?" zack would say, I was slightly apprehensive but in my last year of High School I had gathered what I still consider today to be the most engaging, funny and warm-hearted individuals I'd have been blessed to meet. "Of course man variety is the spice of life I'll try just about anything once." I said it just about all the time to convince myself that I had the stones to try the "taboo's" I had grown to believe. Zack had been kind enough to introduce me to new friends/experiences. Weed had been my first step into the drug world although I had said I had smoked before but my fumbling with the bong as it had been passed so casually into my lap had shown otherwise, but they were familiar with the ritual to drughood so they wouldn't call me out on it and instead lend a helping hand. One rip....bam my world came to life with brilliant colors/a sense of wonder and with that a world of possibility, but I digress. The ride from the parking lot to waterbury remains the best part of picking up. We'd talk about school, girls, adventures told with such grand emotions and gestures it evoked a sense of awe and admiration that I had never experienced in my sheltered life. These conversations would distract my mind from the nervous or even fearful feelings that would flood my mind when finally presented with those peculiar little bags. Our relationship was moving a little too quickly. She was wearing True Religion which I was quick to undo, in fact I ripped it in half because, to be honest she was leaving too much to the imagination. I was handed a straw, by whom I cant remember but I dove right in and so began the toxic relationship heroin and I would share. It was give and take relationship, sure I bought her but in return shed give me a sense of warmth and comfort likened to the first days of mother and son. What confidence she gave me! I didn't just poke out of my shell, I got a running start and burst through that bad boy. My friends and I continued to make trips like that once a week. I got to spend a few days with her at a time and while some of my group of 5 eventually broke it off and settled to occasionally partake Matt and I would, on multiple occasions see her behind our friends. They wouldn't understand our fixation on her and the bond we'd share.
After a sniff it was a commonplace for us to spill our guts out to each other, expressing feelings of guilt/shame, hopes and dreams and through that a tighter knit circle. Matt and I couldn't imagine losing that bond and so when we hung out we got dope. After all what else is there to do on a dreary winter day? We certainly cant walk in the bitter cold and even if we prepared with coats and scarves and such the cruel new england wind would roar past, us disrupting any peace of mind with a slap leaving glowing red faces and cold that cant be shaken off in a couple of hours. Streets were lined with sand that stained the streets and roads. Pure white and fluffy snow loses its beauty after its shoveled into heaping piles of ice/dirt and occasionally...urine. Aside from tree's and package stores there weren't structures that offer entertainment like movies or lasertag. Enjoying the season was simply out of the question. Luckily One of my educational experiences with Zack had left me with the knowledge to properly IV heroin and boy was that a game changer. Trial and error had led to the perfection of the art (my first attempt had been a miss leading to my arm flaring up in the presence of my mother and grandparents, luckily I was able to retreat into my room). My favorite part was stirring the concoction of heroin water and god knows what the dealer cuts it with, suck it up, gently sliding the needle beneath the skin, push and seeing the ecstasy wash over his face knowing that I would soon join him. Matt always handled the exchange, I was just too afraid to associate with THOSE kind of people which is quite a twisted mentality. So would begin a cycle that would have Matt lose his squeamishness, the comfort heroin offered was more than enough to help one overcome such feelings and cross many other lines we had promised ourselves we would never dare. We had each other and that's all heroin addicts really have. Eventually Matt would lose his car and spend months of sobriety in Japan with his brother serving overseas. Who would I have then? Loneliness was too familiar to me and I promised myself I would never return to those feelings of despair and depression. Even if it meant dragging another one of my buds with me, though I can't take the full blame....he asked for it.
I hope this was entertaining or at the very least somewhat identifiable. I had read a Winter in Chicago on these pages as well and it was comforting to know that there are people who share the same struggles and walk the same road. It feels like we're alone, but we're not. Or experiences have the power stir emotions in folks and perhaps even grant the power to overcome life's challenges in more productive or positive ways. This introduction is in a way an introduction to the complete about face I've had in personality over these few years and I hope I can share more of my experience in a more interesting and suspenseful way, to evoke images of these events as they unfold or maybe even reflect some personal experiences. These days were pretty naive and tame but as we all know that's how it starts.
Age:17
Location:Connecticut
Childhood seems so far away and yet I've barely taken any steps into adulthood, reached any milestones or however you'd prefer to express my lack of life experience. I'd never have imagined that I'd succumb to the temptation of substance abuse, then again those thoughts had never crossed my mind which is why I still reminisce of that innocence. How I could sit in awe as a rainbow reached across the sky, some mighty powers gift to the world as a pick me up for some sad soul or simply a highlight to an already beautiful day. My introduction to the temptress that would consume what little I've made for a life is as vivid and clear as the crisp summer days that have lost their magic. I cannot stress the torment I had experienced in my adolescent years between the beatings and the ridicule. You see I had worn hand me downs that I had quickly grown out of which had tacked on "homo/fag/insert genital* onto my titles of "coconut head and casper.". This experience had made me doubly grateful with my friends who had taken me under their wing during one of my solo cafeteria lunches which I had hardly gone to in the first place. My timidity was pretty obvious given my inability to converse with pretty girls sitting next to me or my inability to differentiate an insult from friendly ribbing. I wouldn't know until recently that they would equip me with the people skills and street smarts that I'm still very thankful for. Yet my immovable loyalty to them would be both a blessing and a curse.
"You down for a ride Tooooress?" zack would say, I was slightly apprehensive but in my last year of High School I had gathered what I still consider today to be the most engaging, funny and warm-hearted individuals I'd have been blessed to meet. "Of course man variety is the spice of life I'll try just about anything once." I said it just about all the time to convince myself that I had the stones to try the "taboo's" I had grown to believe. Zack had been kind enough to introduce me to new friends/experiences. Weed had been my first step into the drug world although I had said I had smoked before but my fumbling with the bong as it had been passed so casually into my lap had shown otherwise, but they were familiar with the ritual to drughood so they wouldn't call me out on it and instead lend a helping hand. One rip....bam my world came to life with brilliant colors/a sense of wonder and with that a world of possibility, but I digress. The ride from the parking lot to waterbury remains the best part of picking up. We'd talk about school, girls, adventures told with such grand emotions and gestures it evoked a sense of awe and admiration that I had never experienced in my sheltered life. These conversations would distract my mind from the nervous or even fearful feelings that would flood my mind when finally presented with those peculiar little bags. Our relationship was moving a little too quickly. She was wearing True Religion which I was quick to undo, in fact I ripped it in half because, to be honest she was leaving too much to the imagination. I was handed a straw, by whom I cant remember but I dove right in and so began the toxic relationship heroin and I would share. It was give and take relationship, sure I bought her but in return shed give me a sense of warmth and comfort likened to the first days of mother and son. What confidence she gave me! I didn't just poke out of my shell, I got a running start and burst through that bad boy. My friends and I continued to make trips like that once a week. I got to spend a few days with her at a time and while some of my group of 5 eventually broke it off and settled to occasionally partake Matt and I would, on multiple occasions see her behind our friends. They wouldn't understand our fixation on her and the bond we'd share.
After a sniff it was a commonplace for us to spill our guts out to each other, expressing feelings of guilt/shame, hopes and dreams and through that a tighter knit circle. Matt and I couldn't imagine losing that bond and so when we hung out we got dope. After all what else is there to do on a dreary winter day? We certainly cant walk in the bitter cold and even if we prepared with coats and scarves and such the cruel new england wind would roar past, us disrupting any peace of mind with a slap leaving glowing red faces and cold that cant be shaken off in a couple of hours. Streets were lined with sand that stained the streets and roads. Pure white and fluffy snow loses its beauty after its shoveled into heaping piles of ice/dirt and occasionally...urine. Aside from tree's and package stores there weren't structures that offer entertainment like movies or lasertag. Enjoying the season was simply out of the question. Luckily One of my educational experiences with Zack had left me with the knowledge to properly IV heroin and boy was that a game changer. Trial and error had led to the perfection of the art (my first attempt had been a miss leading to my arm flaring up in the presence of my mother and grandparents, luckily I was able to retreat into my room). My favorite part was stirring the concoction of heroin water and god knows what the dealer cuts it with, suck it up, gently sliding the needle beneath the skin, push and seeing the ecstasy wash over his face knowing that I would soon join him. Matt always handled the exchange, I was just too afraid to associate with THOSE kind of people which is quite a twisted mentality. So would begin a cycle that would have Matt lose his squeamishness, the comfort heroin offered was more than enough to help one overcome such feelings and cross many other lines we had promised ourselves we would never dare. We had each other and that's all heroin addicts really have. Eventually Matt would lose his car and spend months of sobriety in Japan with his brother serving overseas. Who would I have then? Loneliness was too familiar to me and I promised myself I would never return to those feelings of despair and depression. Even if it meant dragging another one of my buds with me, though I can't take the full blame....he asked for it.
I hope this was entertaining or at the very least somewhat identifiable. I had read a Winter in Chicago on these pages as well and it was comforting to know that there are people who share the same struggles and walk the same road. It feels like we're alone, but we're not. Or experiences have the power stir emotions in folks and perhaps even grant the power to overcome life's challenges in more productive or positive ways. This introduction is in a way an introduction to the complete about face I've had in personality over these few years and I hope I can share more of my experience in a more interesting and suspenseful way, to evoke images of these events as they unfold or maybe even reflect some personal experiences. These days were pretty naive and tame but as we all know that's how it starts.
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