okay, so ive read all your post and all of them have a certain level of truth to them. im really trying to change my thought process and get out of this shitstorm as you guys call it. like last night, i had this guy over ive been seeing because i thought that it would make me forget my ex. but all it does is make me wish he was here more, and all i do is pretend that this guy is him. and it doesnt work. even when im with this guy, we drink every time were together. its like i have to drink when im with him because its actually painful to be with him sober. its painful to be around people sober. how fucked up is that? i think i need psychological help.
right now it is mentally and emotionally impossible to erase these memories from my head. i know because i have tried it over and over and over. trust me, i wish i could.
Yep, been down the road of other people only making me miss someone even more.
There's no timetable for getting over a relationship with someone - it takes as long as it takes for you - but over time the thoughts will be less frequent and less painful.
And no matter what our drug of choice, there are people with whom we fall into the habit of abusing it. The vast majority of people in my social circle are 24/7 barely functioning alcoholics and I had to distance myself from them for a long time when I first stopped abusing alcohol. For a while that meant I didn't really have any friends, which was actually a good thing for me because it meant that I wasn't distracted from sorting out my mental health issues.
Right now it's impossible for you to erase unwanted memories, but erasing them isn't a realistic goal right now. A mental health professional can help you set more realistic goals and teach you the tools you need to reach them (people can and do teach themselves these techniques but that's hard to do when you're all fucked up). And the right medication can help with both your insomnia and your obsessive thoughts.
Another good reason for having a mental health professional on board is that they'll notice changes which you might not. Strange as it might sound, I didn't really notice that I was mostly calm, not angry, less erratic, etc until my psychologist pointed it out to me because those changes happened by degrees. It's easy to get tunnel vision and think that you're not getting anywhere unless you've achieved your main goal.
It was the end of a fucked up relationship which made me decide to sort out my mental health issues and when I started putting serious effort into that the desire to abuse alcohol just went away of its own accord. I'm convinced to this day that had my goal been to stop drinking, I'd still be abusing alcohol and my bipolar disorder would still be out of control.
For you, the first step might be getting some help for your insomnia and obsessive thoughts. I guess that for all of us the "right" first step is the one which gets us on the path to liking ourselves and our life. There is no "one true way" to do that, so don't feel like you've "failed" and are going to be stuck in the same place forever if something doesn't work for you.
For what it's worth, the Buddhist techniques referred to in this thread aren't meant to stop you from having feelings, they're about learning not to engage your feelings and desires. It's not "embrace your feelings" stuff and that can make it very daunting if you're feeling in need of a lot of emotional validation. CBT is probably a gentler place to start when you're in a lot of emotional pain.
