Although a lot of people will just put this down to a “drug trip”, what i experienced and what that experience has left me with is irrefutably real. even some of the most intense emotions i’ve ever REALLY experienced don’t even come close to this. that said this was an intensely personal experience and i don’t really expect too many people to “get it”.
<insert drug addicts sob story yadda yadda yadda> ….. I had got some “LEGAL” potpourri or incense. I smoked 1 (yes ONE) cone mixed with tobacco, the effects came on then i lost time.
When i realized where i was I started thinking very deeply I considered my real intentions towards being right with God and wanting to do the right thing I remember coming to the conclusion that, even though i was under the impression that i GENUINELY was seeking to do the right thing and be a good person and adhere to the “rules” set out by God, my continual behaviour and actions of failing to actually DO the right thing, is what true INTENT is actually defined as. therefore by my ACTIONS, my true intent was revealed. I saw no way out of this conclusion, because i had (in my view) tried my hardest to “do right” and every attempt had failed.(ie i smoked drugs again,in essence i CHOOSE drugs instead of God) I analyzed every possible combination of outcomes and my “intent” would always come up short. It was after i pondered on this epiphany for good while that things began to take a drastic and traumatic turn.
Halfway through me trying to interpret and rationalize what would come of this realization. suddenly i was ripped violently into what i can only describe as a whole other “existence”.
The universe (or God, it was hard to differentiate, in my mind God WAS the universe, and everything in it), had decided that I had taken it too far, questioned too much, sought answers in too many wrong places and had made one too many bad decisions. At this time i thought i had died and was experiencing the very beginnings of my eternity. What followed next was incredibly intense, emotional, and almost pure torment.
I was taken to places,times,events and moments that meant the most to me throughout my entire life, at each destination i was shown exactly the negative influence that I had contributed to that particular scenario. I was also experiencing ALL the emotion of that experience. One of the more intense memories i have (“more intense” is really a misnomer as there was no “more” it was ALL intense.) is seeing my family and kids, and what a negative influence i had been on them, and all the hurt and pain i had caused. It was at this point i started to really hurt, then all of a sudden after all these “destinations” It seemed the Universe decided to show me some kind of mercy by erasing my existence from all those “destinations”, including my family, my wife and kid’s lives.
Everything i thought i “knew”, everything i considered “meaningful”, any input to life i had given good or bad, right down to the finest detail, was being completely erased. I cannot describe the hurt,sorrow,regret,anger(at myself),shame and the overwhelming feeling of insignificance as i was being erased. At some point it occurred to me that it wasn’t just me that was being erased but all those who had anything to do with me were all being erased as well, and there was NOTHING i could do about it, the intensity of the deletion seemed to get more and more intense and violent, i had effectively caused the destruction of reality. for EVERYONE.
Scenes were flying past at an incredible pace, almost a blur. then “scenes” began to melt into a great white ball of light, as more and more “scenes” were added, the energy and intensity of this ball of light increased many times over. I fought with all my will, thoughts and emotion, to stop this destruction of the universe, then finally the “scenes” stopped flowing and all that was left was a MASSIVE white ball of energy and what seemed like my consciousness fighting with all the strength it had, to not allow this to continue, it seemed like the ball and my consciousness were hurtling through space and time at a undescribable speed. when i accepted this was all there was to existence now, i finally had a moment to “think”. all i could do was sob uncontrollably, unable to find comfort or reassurance in anything because anything did not exist anymore. At this moment i realized the roaring of the energy had stopped and a feeling of floating rather that insane speeds was evident. then it was like the Universe said “that was your first lesson. i will leave you for now but i will be back, for now you can have relief in this...”
and with that parting thought i was then transported to several “scenes” where i was vomiting, just like i was reliving the bad parts of my escapisms (drugs,alcohol). i was whisked between different locations but all in the same position, on my hands and knees, and my appearance kept on changing, one moment i had a full beard with long hair, the next clean shaven and short hair. i also had vomit all over my hands and arms and face. that was the last thing i remember before awakening and realizing i was still alive and actually at home (it took a good 5 minutes to accept that i was truly back). I had indeed vomited on my hands, arms, shirt and face but i was just happy to be alive trying desperately to make some kind of sense of what i’d just experienced.
I took another 5 minutes just to open my font door, I was so excited about seeing my wife again but knew she would probably judge me as the universe had. BASED ON MY ACTIONS! i was ok with that, afterall i had ACTED pretty badly. I glanced over at her and almost burst into tears of joy,happiness relief. I had to talk to someone about this but didn’t want to negatively influence her, so i called my Pastor(Dad) and had a chat.
I was pretty scattered by this event. The first day after this happened i was basically a zombie in my mind, i didn’t know which way was up or down, i couldn’t comprehend the emotional and mental toll the experience had left on me, infact i even had the gaul to smoke again (although it was an EXTREMELY small amount), i think i did this because my brain didn’t know how to process what had just happened and i was mentally VERY fatigued and just “gave in”. I don’t want to make excuses, i take responsibility for that choice albeit a foolish one. But things are looking up. I definitely have a new perspective on things. and i am just glad that it wasn’t me who ended the universe.
<insert drug addicts sob story yadda yadda yadda> ….. I had got some “LEGAL” potpourri or incense. I smoked 1 (yes ONE) cone mixed with tobacco, the effects came on then i lost time.
When i realized where i was I started thinking very deeply I considered my real intentions towards being right with God and wanting to do the right thing I remember coming to the conclusion that, even though i was under the impression that i GENUINELY was seeking to do the right thing and be a good person and adhere to the “rules” set out by God, my continual behaviour and actions of failing to actually DO the right thing, is what true INTENT is actually defined as. therefore by my ACTIONS, my true intent was revealed. I saw no way out of this conclusion, because i had (in my view) tried my hardest to “do right” and every attempt had failed.(ie i smoked drugs again,in essence i CHOOSE drugs instead of God) I analyzed every possible combination of outcomes and my “intent” would always come up short. It was after i pondered on this epiphany for good while that things began to take a drastic and traumatic turn.
Halfway through me trying to interpret and rationalize what would come of this realization. suddenly i was ripped violently into what i can only describe as a whole other “existence”.
The universe (or God, it was hard to differentiate, in my mind God WAS the universe, and everything in it), had decided that I had taken it too far, questioned too much, sought answers in too many wrong places and had made one too many bad decisions. At this time i thought i had died and was experiencing the very beginnings of my eternity. What followed next was incredibly intense, emotional, and almost pure torment.
I was taken to places,times,events and moments that meant the most to me throughout my entire life, at each destination i was shown exactly the negative influence that I had contributed to that particular scenario. I was also experiencing ALL the emotion of that experience. One of the more intense memories i have (“more intense” is really a misnomer as there was no “more” it was ALL intense.) is seeing my family and kids, and what a negative influence i had been on them, and all the hurt and pain i had caused. It was at this point i started to really hurt, then all of a sudden after all these “destinations” It seemed the Universe decided to show me some kind of mercy by erasing my existence from all those “destinations”, including my family, my wife and kid’s lives.
Everything i thought i “knew”, everything i considered “meaningful”, any input to life i had given good or bad, right down to the finest detail, was being completely erased. I cannot describe the hurt,sorrow,regret,anger(at myself),shame and the overwhelming feeling of insignificance as i was being erased. At some point it occurred to me that it wasn’t just me that was being erased but all those who had anything to do with me were all being erased as well, and there was NOTHING i could do about it, the intensity of the deletion seemed to get more and more intense and violent, i had effectively caused the destruction of reality. for EVERYONE.
Scenes were flying past at an incredible pace, almost a blur. then “scenes” began to melt into a great white ball of light, as more and more “scenes” were added, the energy and intensity of this ball of light increased many times over. I fought with all my will, thoughts and emotion, to stop this destruction of the universe, then finally the “scenes” stopped flowing and all that was left was a MASSIVE white ball of energy and what seemed like my consciousness fighting with all the strength it had, to not allow this to continue, it seemed like the ball and my consciousness were hurtling through space and time at a undescribable speed. when i accepted this was all there was to existence now, i finally had a moment to “think”. all i could do was sob uncontrollably, unable to find comfort or reassurance in anything because anything did not exist anymore. At this moment i realized the roaring of the energy had stopped and a feeling of floating rather that insane speeds was evident. then it was like the Universe said “that was your first lesson. i will leave you for now but i will be back, for now you can have relief in this...”
and with that parting thought i was then transported to several “scenes” where i was vomiting, just like i was reliving the bad parts of my escapisms (drugs,alcohol). i was whisked between different locations but all in the same position, on my hands and knees, and my appearance kept on changing, one moment i had a full beard with long hair, the next clean shaven and short hair. i also had vomit all over my hands and arms and face. that was the last thing i remember before awakening and realizing i was still alive and actually at home (it took a good 5 minutes to accept that i was truly back). I had indeed vomited on my hands, arms, shirt and face but i was just happy to be alive trying desperately to make some kind of sense of what i’d just experienced.
I took another 5 minutes just to open my font door, I was so excited about seeing my wife again but knew she would probably judge me as the universe had. BASED ON MY ACTIONS! i was ok with that, afterall i had ACTED pretty badly. I glanced over at her and almost burst into tears of joy,happiness relief. I had to talk to someone about this but didn’t want to negatively influence her, so i called my Pastor(Dad) and had a chat.
I was pretty scattered by this event. The first day after this happened i was basically a zombie in my mind, i didn’t know which way was up or down, i couldn’t comprehend the emotional and mental toll the experience had left on me, infact i even had the gaul to smoke again (although it was an EXTREMELY small amount), i think i did this because my brain didn’t know how to process what had just happened and i was mentally VERY fatigued and just “gave in”. I don’t want to make excuses, i take responsibility for that choice albeit a foolish one. But things are looking up. I definitely have a new perspective on things. and i am just glad that it wasn’t me who ended the universe.
