Help Me Help Myself.

[Rabidrabbit]

Hi everyone,

I just want to say that the past 48-72 hours have been some of the craziest of my life and I am really considering checking myself into an inpatient detox/rehab/mental health facility.

I am becoming out of control. I am trying to learn to let go and give someone else control. Someone who knows how to help people. Someone (or rather, a team of people most likely) who can help me help myself.

Mother's Day being so close, I go a bit insane... It's been 5 and a half years since my mother died unexpectedly and I found her body. Suffice to say, Mother's Day is a very depressing day to me and I hate being outside and seeing people celebrate because I wish more than anything that I had a mother to celebrate with.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, but I always got depressed when I see the multiple generations of a family out and about, enjoying each other and arguing and making up and doing all that stuff that families do... Daughter, Mother, Grandmother... the last time I had anything like that, I was about 9 years old... I remember thinking that it was so cool that me, my mom and my grandma were just sitting around a table eating rainbow cookies... that's pretty deep for a 9 year old, I think... I still think of that day when I eat Italian pastry rainbow cookies...

So what brings me here is that, earlier today, I just started bawling crying out of nowhere. That ugly crying. Just this animalistic ache coming from deep within my core. I cried so hard I vomited. I cried some more. Vomited some more. My stomach is still hurting from that. I am high on oxymorphone right now as I write this because I cannot open up and share my feelings when I am sober, so if this is completely incoherent, I am sorry... The thing is though that instead of trying to work through my crying, I went and bought drugs with money I barely have, sending me behind on my rent for 2 months in a row now... After having JUST gone through housing court and finally paying it off... I am looking for jobs just like everyone else but I am not having any luck getting an interview. Also, at most places (either retail or city/government jobs), they drug test. Suffice to say my urine could not pass a drug test and I don't even know any other females who don't use drugs! (From marijuana on up to heroin.)

I think I cried harder today than I cried at my mom's funeral -- and at the funeral, I cried so hard I almost fell into the open grave hole... True story...

I think I have PTSD from finding her body in the manner which I found it. There was blood and she was face down on the floor. For a second, I prayed she was just drunk and passed out but anyone who has seen a dead body would know the difference. The first dead body I ever saw in real life was that of my mother's. I'd never even seen one at a funeral. I don't want to be all hippy dippy, but I don't understand why you would want to look at the dead body of your loved one even though it was cleaned up and embalmed... personally I think that embalming is very unnatural... why would you want to bury your loved one's body in a hermetically sealed coffin, whose body has been preserved... your corpse is meant to rot, to be eaten by worms, to become one with the earth once again, becoming essentially dirt that brings life once again... (unless I don't know enough about rotting corpses and diseases/etc but I thought to prevent that, they buried people so deep.)

My old psychiatrist diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and Major Depression but not PTSD even though I brought it up and asked him if he thought I had symptoms of PTSD and he was all like "Eh maybe I don't know" ... so I guess I will explore my possible PTSD type issues with my new psychiatrist. I don't wanna be one of those types of people who just wants a bunch of diagnoses to flaunt around with people for shock value or whatever..

My issue is basically trying to get over my stubbornness and let go of my control issues and put myself into the hands of professionals who are knowledgeable and WANT to help me. I need to learn to trust again... How do I do that? Willingly check myself into rehab? Most people are forced into rehab by a parent or spouse or because they were arrested... who voluntarily goes to rehab?? I am not even sure if I want to be clean of all drugs, but I would at the very least like to have a prescription for suboxone and klonopin alongside whatever antidepressants they deem to be useful. (Except for Paxil, I will never ever take Paxil again, it made me suicidal and impulsive and all of the physical side effects on top of it like vomiting and being tired and disoriented and the brain zaps... it was unbelievably awful and I feel like it made me worse than I was originally and I was pretty freaking bad off as it is...)

Please, anyone, if you're so inclined... I need encouragement... please tell me what, if anything, got you into a rehab/mental hospital... I'd especially like to hear from people who checked in voluntarily without being forced by parents or legal issues. Feel free to comment on anything that I may not be seeing because I am definitely trying to escape from my issues. Tell me if you feel like I am playing a victim. Or if I should just hurry up and get over it, because it's been over 5 years since she died. Anything. I need a reality check as much as I need to learn how to ask for help.

Mods, if you feel like this is more suited for my blog, please tell me. I tried to add as much back story as possible because I don't think people can give good advice without knowing some stuff about the person first, especially people on the internet.

If you read this, I sincerely apologize it is so long and sincerely thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so. Feel free to PM me or ask me questions if you feel the need to do so. I can try to help support others dealing with grief as well, if the situation arises... I have learned some things over the years, but I don't claim to know very much at all. If we all put our heads together maybe we can figure these issues out.

Thanks again and much love to you all.

--Rabid.

Love to you all.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Rabid I am so sorry to hear of your mother's tragic passing. This time of year must be unimaginably hard for you. If you feel that you need to be under close supervision, please check yourself in to a hospital. Do you have any friends or family that live nearby that can come and be with you during this difficult time?

Please take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing okay? Much love and strength to you

 

[Rabidrabbit]

Rabid I am so sorry to hear of your mother's tragic passing. This time of year must be unimaginably hard for you. If you feel that you need to be under close supervision, please check yourself in to a hospital. Do you have any friends or family that live nearby that can come and be with you during this difficult time?

Please take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing okay? Much love and strength to you

Thank you so much n3ophy7e. I do have 2 very important people and 2 very important dogs to help me through this time of year. Perhaps if I was more stable mentally and less doped up all of the time I could find a way to cope with the day positively but alas my only coping mechanism has become taking drugs. I do not know where the end of this road is going for me. I don't want to be homeless and I am having a lot of trouble finding a job in the messed up state of mind I am in let alone with the economy being what it is, I might as well go camp out at Occupy Wall Street, at least summer is coming up and it will be warm.

But it's so selfish of me to do this, to keep spending all the money as if it's my own... I hate myself for that so much...

 

[OxycoDrone]

Your story made me quite sad, and I really wish I could offer some insight but I've never had to deal with the death of a parent though I can imagine it'd be close to one of the worst things you can experience.

Best I can say is that I, and I'm sure everyone who's reading this, is here for you should you need to vent or whatever and to wish you the best in dealing with what I'm sure is a pretty shitty time of year for you. n3o's right too, do you have anyone close who you can be honest with and have them keep an eye out for you? It might be slightly humbling but better safe than sorry.

Hope you get by okay, and I certainly know what it's like to spend money you don't have on drugs to numb yourself, but try not to beat yourself up about it.

 

[spork]

i've thought about checking myself into a hospital several times. i got through without, but sometimes i still wonder if it would have been better if i had just to have a more speedy recovery. i think it is definitely something to be admirable of as it really shows that you're ready to accept the help that you need. if this is something that you think you need, then by all means do it...i wish you all the best and offer my condolences and apologies about your mother.

if you ever feel like you want to talk to someone, feel free to pm me. much love to you.

 

[Missykins]

I checked myself into rehab for ninety days. It's much easier if you have your psychiatrist facilitate a referral for you. Do you have insurance? If your insurance is managing your care at rehab, be prepared not to be there for too long--depending upon what you have, they can put a great deal of pressure upon rehab to get you out. If you can pay privately, then you can go wherever you'd like.

Checking yourself into a psych ward is not as simple as you might thing. People who think that they've done thing "voluntarily" will learn that the admissions therapist may have thought you were a harm to yourself and admitted you as "involuntary." Know the Mental Hygiene Law in your state.

 

[painenduser]

Rabbit, I am so sorry about your loss of your mom, I know how difficult it can be to lose a parent as I lost my father when I was 7, although I can not imagine going through what you have. I am going to make this short and sweet as I don't want to fill you with a lot of physiological crap. The bottom line here is that if you feel the need to get yourself some help, don't even hesitate. If you are having such difficult choices to make, it's best to let your will go and allow people who can help you do so. I know many people may feel that checking themselves into a facility is a sign that they have lost control and are weak, but it is just the opposite. It shows that you are in control and that you just need some guidance. Every once in a while we all need some help. We all get derailed and need someone to help us get back on track, this is all you are saying. You are showing that you do not think your above it all and nothing can hold you down, but the fact is, sometimes we have lost that control and by allowing someone to help us regain that control is not a bad thing. I would recommend that if you are feeling that things are not going well, you have this sense of needing some help, then go get it. You will come out a better person for it, and maybe they can help you move past the devastation of losing your mom the way you did. PTSD and other metal illnesses are nothing to be ashamed of at the same time they are nothing that should be taken lightly. Please do yourself the favor of going to get yourself some help. Just do it. It may be the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you can make the right decisions to help yourself get things back in order. We will all be here to support you. Best of luck to you!



Pain