To the OP: There is a surprise for you at the end but read till the end (Please) ☺:
This is exactly what goes in the head of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. I say “We” alot because I suffer from BPD. Follow my thought order to help you in the long run understand where her craziness is coming from. if you are able to understand it, then we can proceed on the next plan of action.
Here is how our brain works:
We react only on emotions…..because alot of time, we don’t know how to interpret them. We respond to emotions in a very intense extreme manner as situations unfold that trigger painful feelings. We are so vulnerable to being in an emotional state that we have no idea how to manage any type of negative emotions.
As we encounter emotions, we are looking to express them. We are vulnerable to using others as our punching bag/stress ball to express our emotions to. We just want to communicate them to others. Whether we intend to or not, our distorted communication methods and desperation get us the attention from others. This is why a lot of people refer to us as manipulative……They actually don’t understand what is happening inside of us that they think manipulating them when we are instead desperate and can be manipulated ourselves easily. If someone lacks empathy and is not able to acknowledge our extreme emotions because they don’t understand what the hell is going on inside of your head then we resort to what we know best…EXTREME ACTIONS. We experience a small response to our massive storm inside of our heads and when we don’t get the soothing effects; we becoming desperate. We act like children throwing tantrums because the other person can’t provide them with what we need from them. We thrive from that need, it makes us wake up everyday. If we don’t get it, we engage into extreme shit to get the extreme response from the person that we want to provide us the comfort to our emotional/illogical minds. We express our extreme actions by suicide attempts, threats, lying, being outraged…..you name it. So if you understand the desperate need and the overwhelming sensation inside of our heads then maybe you will be able to understand what she needs or want. However the job of a partner to BPD suffer is not provide the need, want, love or whatever that we need to communicate because that reinforces the behavior to act in extreme fashions ….and that’s why a lot of “healthy” people in relationships with people who suffer from BPD think that they are being manipulated. Because when you love a person, you care about them and you try to provide what you are able to provide and because BPD people know that if they push then you will give right back. You end up in this massive messy circle and it will be too late to fix things before they go horribly wrong.
Her answer to life is by starting dialectal behavior therapy ASAP. I have been in regular therapy most of my life and I kept stumbling as why the fuck I am not getting better, what the fuck was wrong with me for years. I thought that I will always be out of control looking for someone else’s. DBT works by following a set curricula (very rigid to say the least) involving individual therapy that does not involve you just venting about your week, you instead vent or bitch about your week. You go with more long term goals, they deal with suicide attempts while in treatment differently than any therapy encountered. When a group member hurt herself one day, the therapist didn’t call the cops……it’s part of the therapy waiver you sign. Instead, the patient was banned from any type of phone coverstion with the therapist for 48 hours so that the therapist won’t reinforces her bad behavior by providing support. I was SHOCKED. But now I understand it since DBT therapy is the last hope for a person with BPD. The patients threaten and do this a lot, they treat suicide as a behavior and not a symptom unlike other therapy treatments.
DBT works by identifying the behaviors first and as soon as we recognize them then we can change them and it’s just as simple to a road to recovery. You are able to be in a higher state of conscious. This is the hardest shit that I had to ever go through, but I can’t believe I waited to have 10 miserable years of my life when I didn’t have to. I mean life still goes on but you can still live it to the extent that everyone lives it and have long-lasting, valuable friendships and relationship. The lack of our inability to describe emotions leads to our vulnerabiiity to any factors or events that makes us susceptible to feeling things in such manner. These things might be going on as part of our environment, which we cannot change. By that I mean, look at where she is at in life, she doesn’t have any foundation of her own….she has no network or support system. You guys live together, she doesn’t have a job…..she is missing her backbone and she doesn’t even know it. Well she can’t change the circumstances that life can throw at you as some of us have experienced losing a job before (Shit happens) and that’s any easy fix. But you have to also accept that she is not able to change her biological response to any type of emotions that is in her head. Her emotions are actually legitimate but she just have to learn how to deal with them.
DBT takes you in a higher state of mind beyond the emotions as you are able to identify the vulnerability factors that sets up someone for a disaster for example a failed suicidal attempt. DBT works by providing individual, group and phone coaching. We have a group once a week that you have to go to, you can’t even do individual therapy without going to the group. We learn different set of skills each week, then we have homework and in the next group, you as a person have to present how you practiced your skills for the week in any situation you experience emotions in….We have assignments to present. We practice this manual over and over and over and over. I can’t even tell u how many times. Because we have start small and build slowely to even approach big situations. They don’t just have a bunch of BPD people in a room together sharing…you don’t share anything at all. You talk about your skill. You also have a break between old skill homework and new skills homework and in that break you practice mindfulness activities where you learn how to take a break from your emotions. Many people for example may suggest a walk/run/time-out….etc but you have no idea how hard these things are for a person with BPD experiencing emotions that are narcissistic in general and need to be expressed immediately and desperately in our brains to be able to “LIVE”.
Part of BPD also offers 24-7 phone coaching where you can the person anytime and the therapist picks up. I am so lucky to be in there, you have no idea. These people don’t make money, they believe in you and they know it works. Therapists up until the early 90s where so frustrated at the high suicidal rates of BPD patients and they never understand why therapy wouldn’t work until Marsha Linehan came up with this rigid, basic system that if you follow, they don’t fail. It’s not therapy though because people may assume that therapy is temporary to address a certain problem i.e marriage or an addiction….DBT is a lifestyle.
We will always have difficulty with emotions if we stop using the skills we learn or practice. We have to be very carful to our emotional minds to climb to that higher state (It’s a personality disorder and not a chemical deficiency disorder)….because we experience emotions so extremely that can lead into sadness resulting in a depression. When you address the root cause of the depression though (i.e the root cause of people with BPD is their inability to manage emotions). We can then reduce our emotional reaction when we recognize what we do and where we begin to feel the emotion. For example, when emotional reactions provide an alarm in our head that something is happening, we usually view them as facts and not assumptions…the stronger the emotions…..the stronger that we believe that our emotions are absolute facts. That’s why we fear imagined abandonment when a person is still with us. This is why they say people with BPD can only see matter in black and white…..because they assume that their emotions are facts about the world and it validates their thoughts and our out of control actions. Well by being in DBT treatment, we reduce our emotional reaction by recognizing what we do and where it begins before the onset of the emotions takes place. For example, before I get mad, I frown my forehead…..I don’t even proceed to the getting mad part because I know that when I frown, I smile instead. I replace the behaviors by doing opposite-actions (you have no idea how hard we have to practice ) as it takes a lot to be able to have a pause that quick and recognize a situation before you prompt an extreme event and then have the neural firing of an alarms signaling that you will die unless you are address these emotions off-setting.
Before it gets there, DBT works by recognizing the initial reaction and the only thing I can tell u is that it takes a hell amount of work and commitment and determination to get better. In sum, in DBT we use behaviors to replace emotions and we accept that we can’t help but feel the emotions but we can replace them with opposite-action. Everyone feels emotions, what DBT does is help you not act on them and let it define who you are. Crying for example is not an emotion, it’s a behavior as a result of our emotions….unless you are able to place yourself in a higher state of mind that enables you to identify emotions/thoughts/behaviors or out-of-our-control factors, you can’t move on. Hell won’t end…it actually has just started.
I only been doing it for the past 6 months but I am really focused and determined. I started from scratch, I lost everything and everyone and my survival skills kicked in. It took that much for me to be able to endure it which the instinct need to change so that I can survive. As human beings, no one likes to change…..You will find that rarely anyone attain that determination to change their life unless they are forced to.
Which leads me to my next point: What should you do with your gf?
Well, as a person in DBT and a sufferer from BPD, I can tell u that it takes a very very very long-time…years for people to recognize what I just summed up to u when they have someone else. This is because you are enabling them so it makes their bad behavior reinforced…..and you can’t just get their brain to recognize the difference as easy. You have to give her no choice but to get better. You can’t say “You will comeback when it happens”…..you actually make go through the most difficult stage ever by themselves by giving her no one to express her intense emotions to. It will get so much worse before it gets better and she will fight you back like you have no idea. That’s why I want you to understand what goes through in our minds when we have these emotions we don’t know what to do with. It feels like someone just literarily took the life out of you and you are in fight or flight mode just because they walked away. It will seem like you abandoned her, it will hurt…..she will bleed. But you know how you teach a baby to self-soothe by not picking them up when they cry cause they want to be carried. It’s hard to walk away from a person you care about significantly like It’s hard for parents to walk away from their baby but they do it because they owe it to their kids in order to teach them to be self-sufficient. Well you do it because you care for her, you owe it to someone that you care about to teach them a life skill that they will ever not forget even if their heart is hurts, you teach them self-sufficiency. People with DBT are usually dependent on other people for happiness, they put themselves into situations where they have no financial security except with someone else which describes her pretty much.
Now as far as the future goes, well you know how when you meet someone for a potential healthy relationship, they have to be in “good place” in life. You can wait for her to do that by herself and for herself. She will gain her self-respect, she will be brain programmed to never let herself be in the back of an ambulance as helpless as she was. Then you can meet her then……if you want her back soon, you have to let her go through this hell by herself though.
If you choose to be with her, I completely understand. I didn’t say that the progress won’t get there, it just takes longer since she needs an environment where she has no one but herself to practice her skills. She needs not to be engaged in any situation that has proven before to be her safety blanket. I moved to a new city by myself (not knowing a single person), I work and this is my best professional highlighted period of my life (I SAY IT PROUDLY BECAUSE I NEVER EVEN CARED BEFORE). I finished my masters degree in chemistry when I moved. Since FEB, I am successful in my career, I am doing a master’s in chemical engineering (this is my first semester). I do freakin DBT which I say like it’s a bad thing but it saved my life (You have to understand though, this shit is like not a walk in the park).
Do understand this:
You are not responsible to make her happy, be her punching bag or be her savior. But if u feel that you are a healthy person and you don’t need to work on anything by yourself and you are in a good place and can handle and understand all of the above shit and roller coasters that I explained then go for it. Otherwise, you can have a good woman to yourself in months.
Finally……I never respond that long for anyone/anything. I shared with you a chapter in life that I think I owe it to you because I came across your thread searching BPD in bluelight and found that the person that responded to u is my ex boyfriend “hypnotik1”. That’s why I want you to understand what really goes on in her head and how it works. I also want you to be able to catch stuff like that before too much shit happens where you can’t move on with that person to the next chapter.
Dude, ive been thru some very similar shit with psycho manipulative women....im talking about hall of fame psycho...ill put my ex next to any crazy bitch in the world....and its not too diff from a con-artist, theif or career criminal....they are preying on your humanity, compassion, and empathy. She is using the good in you against you. You are not gonna change her.
She has probs she needs to deal with on her own by hitting rock bottom. But before making a possible change, she will cling and bring down everyone she can grasp before everyone in her life backs off and she is left to deal with whatever probs she has on her own. She needs to hit the point where the only person who can help her is herself. She needs that survival instinct to kick in. Because nobody can help her until she makes the decision to help herself. You need to do yourself a HUGE favor and RUN!! Otherwise dude she will bring you down in her misery.
Ive been there before, and all you are doing by giving support is enabling her to keepo acting the way she has been. People dont change untiul they are forced to do so. Until EVERYONE refuses to endure their behavior. You would also be doing her a favor by leaving and letting her focus her energy to fix herself rather than have you to take out her anger on.
Think about it.....
She got upset cuz you wouldnt give her what she wanted...
Therefore, she harmed herself and used your compassion and humanity to get your attention and feel sorry for her.
And guess what? Are you sleeping right now? Are you ignoring her? NOPE....she won and has your undivided atteention.
She will keep doing shit like this as long as you are with her....she may come to a point in the near future where she apologizes and promises to never do it again. But thats her way of rewarding you for gyou giving her attention.
But give it sometime....when you have your own life and responsisbilites to take care of....and she will doing something similar or even try and top it to get your attention again.
Put a friend in your shoes and imagine them telling you this story....what would you tell them to do? Really think about it..
Dont be a fool and fall for that shit lke I did....do yourself and her a favor and run....there's no better way to show someone how BS and unacceptable their =behavior is when people turn their back on them. Trust me, its the best thing you can do for her....and youreself
Dont put up with shit like that.....its abuse! Its the male equivalent to a battered wife. Have some respect and dignity for yourself....
This is how DBT helped me, I wrote this massive post about me and a paragraph about him. I no longer believe that anyone can provide my happiness but me. I still love him very much and I miss him and it still hurts. But I accept that what he shared is neither right or wrong because it doesn’t matter for today….right now when I experience that emotions. I don’t put myself into a situation where I even push anyone to do anything/feel anything because managing my emotions by itself is a full-time job. I have unfortunately even have conditioned people to think that being in contact with me is troublesome…..but having BPD does not define you or who you are. If you can manage it, you can move on. I still experience sadness when reading his post to you but I know I can’t change it. I don’t view that situation as black and white as I must change it now as I used to be. I am more calm…I am just like how can I not be sad right now and I try to meet my need myself. There you go……I have to go to get homework done now but update me on your progress, her progress and your thoughts. I really felt that I need to share this with you because I write so many posts about BPD and I have never seen him anywhere close. I tried to call him a few weeks ago and he said that he never wants to speak to me again, he texted me the meanest shit that any person can receive and that’s why I want you to at the very least understand that she is not a bad person…..she doesn’t have a disability, she is not trying to manipulate you with her behavior (you guys are just feeding into each other's bad behavior).
maybe tell her that we can't be together till she's got help, let her live here still and stuff. She says she don't want help so how can I persuade/make her? :/
