Hello

[whale_eyes]

I've planned to kill myself. I know exactly what I'm going to do.

I have borderline personality disorder, severe depression & anxiety. Also OCD symptoms I've not talked about. I also have suspected heart related issues and horrible sciatica.

I've tried to get support. The mental health team treats me like shit for the BPD. They hang up on me, don't listen to me, persecute me. For no other reason than asking for help. It makes me feel even more worthless.

The love of my life is also too preoccupied for me now. He is always busy and barely contacts me, even though he knows how ill & suicidal I am. He does not have the time or inclination. He is working away right now.

My only support is my mother, who abused me as a child, so that's difficult.

I went crazy the other day and was screaming in tears. Everyone had treated me poorly all day, and my mom then shouted at me. I took a knife from the kitchen and went upstairs to unpick a razor. I sat there trying very hard not to slice my wrist but I could feel the hopelessness slowly taking over.

My mom called the police & ambulance and they basically threatened me to go to hospital. I went and then asked if I could discharge myself, but they said they would send the police to section me.

I then waited for 9 hours for the assessment team. But when they came I refused to see them because it is their team who are the ones who have been treating me poorly. I also saw them days before and they offered me nothing but the unprofessional support I just mentioned.

Helplines do not help and do not provide enough consistency. It is also tiring having to explain the whole story every time and also makes me feel bad in general speaking to them.

There is no other support for me so you can see why I feel hopeless. I have attempted to take my life before and almost succeeded. I wish there was another way, but I have no idea what that could be.

whale_eyes

 

[Moreaux]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate, I have had similar times where anxiety is through the roof, everything is shit, and it seems nobody cares. When I was going through that time I felt like I had to take matters into my own hands. I really didn't want to die, I iust didn't want to live like that anymore. I extensively researched how to bring my anxiety to manageable levels. I was able to make it somewhat tolerable by learning breathing techniques, realizing that the feeling is temporary, assessing if the stressor was within my control to change, and a prescription for Indural (propranolol), which is a beta blocker and reduces the adrenaline reaction. I absolutely feel your frustration over your mental health team as well. I landed in the hospital several times and was stuck with the same shitty team that I had been seeing. In my opinion, they were condescending and useless. I got to the point where I would tell them what they wanted to hear just to get out of the hospital. I also used them as a means to get medication that I thought would help treat my conditions. I tirelessly researched medications that would alleviate my OCD and found something that did help. Once the medication kicked in I was able to focus on learning cognitive behavioral techniques that helped me better manage my condition. As far as support, I'm sorry that you don't have better resources right now. Please keep in mind that it may seem like your loved ones are not supporting you, but they may be overwhelmed and may not know how to support you. That doesn't mean that they don't love you. I've found this site to be a good tool to turn to when needing support and also to ask questions. You may want to go to the mental health section and ask how others handled their BPD and anxiety. Is it possible for you to find a new psychiatric team, or at least a good therapist? A good therapist can lead to a quicker breakthrough. Also, are you on any medications right now? If so, what are you taking?

I am sorry that I don't have any concrete answers for you. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and though these feelings are horrible, they are also temporary. Continue reaching out on the Internet and do research, you may find what you need. Please don't kill yourself - it really will get better.

 

[whale_eyes]

Thank you for your replies. Yes the crisis team is insanely bad. Apparantly there are profuse complaints made against them. I told them once I felt suicidal and they said, well that's your choice.

I was calling for support, not guilt & shame. I consequently took a serious overdose.

I know what you mean, benzogirl about telling them what they want to hear. It's useless speaking to them.

I have a supportive mother, but it's hard to even be near her due to our history.

I don't like taking medication because the side effects affect me too drastically. I've tried tons. My mother wants me to be an inpatient so she's trying to make that happen, but I'm finding it hard to believe it could be possible. In the hospitals she's looking at they have therapy.

They also say right now I'm too 'unstable' for therapy.

I don't want to kill myself, but I've laboured so hard for years trying to get support and it never happens. It's like I'm cursed. Death is an incredibly appealing option. I am actually trying to hang in there but it feels like time is running out.

Yes Ryam, life is full of ups & downs. I try to distract myself, but all I can do is lie here. I struggle to even get out of bed or eat or drink. And reading/watching tv is too hard. I don't enjoy any of the things I used to. (They were hard enough before the depression worsened).

That is sweet of you to say. I am not religious. I don't know where to begin with whom I could talk to. I have serious trust issues.