JohnMonsour
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2011
- Messages
- 14
I was told to post the following here. It pretty much sums up my rug use and attempt recovery and self medicating with various medications, just trying to feel normal again. And I would love some support and suggestions.
To start off.
I am on klonopin 1mg once a day. I usually take 2 to 3 and run out early and have to wait two weeks. It wears off too fast and I end up taking on at 8am and then 3pm and then usually one in the evening. Most times I try and just take one but most days I don't. Some days none. Some days a half a pill. I recently just got repriscrebed it 3 months ago from a new doctor who is ultra conservative. As previously I was on 1mg t.i.d. so it just doesn't seem addiquit... but I'm scared to ask for an increase as he know of my past opiate dependence.
I also have ambien and take it 10mg at bedtime. So 30 pills on that also. I sometimes take it as a substitute for my klonopin as it doesn't make me tired for some reason and it has anixilotic effects. So I run out 2 weeks early on it also.
I also have Gabapentin 800mg pills 120 count. At 1600mg b.i.d. I stopped taking high doses of it do to it making me feel even worse than I already do. It use to give me energy and make me manic. Not anymore... so I take 1 800mg pill twice a day sometimes once a day.
I recently quit a two year addiction to methadone. It was my third time in 4 years to be on mmt. I did a rapid taper in 17 days. Last November. So I've been off of it for a while but I still feel terrible. I felt better on methadone then off. And I still crave opiates and have dabbled in oxy 30 and oxy 15 along with percocet and occasionally I'll buy a bottle of methadone from my friend and dose 10mg a day and it really helps my physical agony that I experience every day. When I say dabble I mean like once a month sometimes once every two months. And never exceeding 50mg of minor opiates (pills) and never more than 15 to 20mg of methadone.
I also occasionally do some adderall and vyvanse. As I can get them for cheap. But that's in moderation. I was completely clean off of everything from late December to early March. And I still felt like shit.
I just want to feel normal again. I want a clear head. I want to experience emotions again. I want to truly care and truly love again. I want to enjoy life again like before I ever got trapped in this 7 year addiction to all psychoactive substances trying to feel better since the first time I didn't feel like myself anymore. I am so sick of feeling lazy and apathetic. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I just go through the motions. I truly am numb.
I have extreme anxiety and physical feelings of distress and agony. I'm miserable. I can't give my family the love they deserve. I can't treat my amazing girlfriend properly due to the fact that all I can focus on is how I feel so terrible physically and emotionally, the anxiety. And just focus on how to make it go awa . I can't keep a job. My head feels strange all of the time. It feels dull physically. I am still very intelligent. I just don't feel right and I would love to be able to feel normal again. Like the tingly feeling on my temples go away, the agitation, the extreme panic anxiety, the apathy. I want to feel motivation. I want to feel excited about things again and truly enjoy things again. Somewhere I lost myself.
Please, if anyone else has felt these physical feelings on there head like their brain doesn't feel right and temples feel strange please reach out to me.. it would be a blessing. If anyone has been able to get back to what they felt like before drugs and the damage they have caused please tell me how.
I would love to be off of all medication but right now it seems impossible due to the extreme anxiety I have. So klonopin seems warranted at this point.
Here is my back story I posted in another section of the forum I was asked to post here and elsewhere.
I wrote the following in 2013. I have matured and calmed down my drug consumption since. Dramatically.
Here it is:
Just started Adderall and Have extreme tolerance.... Doesnt make sense.
Okay to start off, I have been a member for quite sometime and I refer to this site alot and it has probably saved my life so thanks!!!!
Ill start off with my story of drugs, it was February 8th 2009 dropped a pink playboy bunny stamp, I had never tried anything else recreationally ever. So it was 2 days after my 18th birthday. It took about two hours to hit! When it hit man was I rolling!!! Everything just felt soooooooo right. Im guessing oxytocin is the cause of feeling so connected.
Then my friend and I all summer every weekend would dose 300mg dxm then after that I went to university and did that occasionally. One day my friend had a whole lot of percocet and I asked him if I could try one and he said yeah. So I fell in love, I just had to fight thru the nausea the first few times, 15mg had me throwing up. I did them every now and then when they came around nothing big 15mg got me everytime for about 6 months, then I tried oxycontin 80 and it was all down hill from there.....
I got hooked, I was working a serving job and when I had my oxy I would be the best anyone would want to wait on them. But when I didnt have any I would be sluggish. And the whole time im on 1mg xanax a day for 2 1/2 years. My tolerance built up to where I was taking roughly 300mg of oxy a day. Very expensive habit, I was in a very serious relationship and she supported my habit after I lost my job because the drugs were more important. My girl said you have to get off or we cant be together anymore, so I had two options, Suboxone or Methadone.
I was still on xanax that my neuro had prescribed me and I read that if you mix it with methadone it will do one of two things keep getting you high throughout the treatment.... Or it would kill you. So I went with the good old clinic, of course I went to the maximum dose of 100mg and then on saturday I would double dose so 200mg which equals about 800mg of oxy.
On top of all the downers I took MDMA, consumed alcohol on the weekends and on wednesdays. My neuro took me off xanax, well refused to prescribe me anymore. So I started buying it from a guy he usually had bars and so I would pick up about seven every 5 days or so. I tried to ween off using klonopin and got down to .25 mg a day but I couldnt not take it, I had horrible withdrawel. So I was always chasing something.
One time the guy that I get bars from didnt have any but he had soma, so I bought 12 of them and popped one, didnt feel anything so 2 still nothing then 3....... and blackout fall through our glass table in the living room passed out on top of 200mg of methadone. I had dropped my girl off at work and I was suppose to pick her up and she kept calling and calling and then got a ride from a friend but she didnt have the key to our apartment so she had to call the owner of the apartments at 1 in the morning to come unlock the door only to see me passed out. she called my sister and said she thought I was dead, and then beat the shit out of me and I woke up! I guess a miracle.
I wrecked into cars once a week and I totaled two cars while on that combo... then the last time I wrecked I was driving under suspension so I got taken to jail. My whole family was going to pull an intervention on me the next day because my girl and my sister told my whole family. But I pulled one on myself, the sentence was like a month or something but I got arrained in two days and the judge dropped all but a speeding ticket that I had. So I had just 300 in fines and it was 100 a day so 3 more days. My family refused to bail me out even though I was literally dying!!! You can't even imagine the cold turkey withdrawals from 200mg of methadone and 2 mg of xanax a day for 8 days over christmas....
I got released on christmas day and immeditally my family took me to a medical detox center and I spent 12 days in there using suboxone and librium to come off. I was so dope sick even after I got realeased for about a month, I then went to a $50000, 45 day rehab. I was getting clearer they tried all these antidepressants which made me suciadal so I didnt take them, then the doctor prescribed me baclofen and neurontin. The first two weeks on 20mg of baclofen made me feel kinda drunk and made me happy. So I got them to up the dose. Anyways I relapsed in rehab on my graduation day 30 minutes before they had found out that I had snorted subutex that a guy checked for me.....
Anyways my family dropped me, lost everything girl and all. Was basically on the streets went from one half way house to another. My tolerance to opiates dropped where I would feel good off 7.5 mg of lortab. So I started taking tabs again and xanax too that i bought. Within a month I had to take 30mg of oxy, then within 2 months I was taking 60mg of whatever painkiller again and I was living with a friend whos dad was prescribed 60s and 80s. So sometimes I would get one or two.
Then I was just getting sick of chasing the shit again so I up and moved to a different city in my state. Totally new to me... not knowing anyone and I got in a sober house and was having withdrawal again and this kid in there was drinking and taking his dads tabs, he said hey maybe we can ween you off so he gave me some everyday 50,40,30 etc.. and then he was getting so strung out he passed out in his truck infront of the house and everyone saw him so he got kicked out.... Then 3 days later he totaled his truck and his mom went through his phone and saw text messages for me asking if he got me some or not... So I got kicked out.
Then I moved into a church house and was sober from the opiates and benzos for 3 months but I was still taking baclofen in very high doses like 120mg a day... and I drank sometimes and did dxm a couple of times. Then I started networking and found connects for whatever I wanted and I moved in with a girlfriend at the time. So on and off of tabs ranging from 20mg to 120mg a day. on and off. Then I moved out and now I live with another girl and I got prescribed klonopin 2mg, baclofen 120mg, neurontin 2400mg.... tried depakote, tried lamictal..... Just got on wellbutrin and I tolerated it very well at 150mg xl and I was also helping me stop smoking, I was on it for 2 weeks.
Then I got a new psychiatrist and she is taking me off everything and putting me on adderall 20mg a day, but gave me 60 20mg pills and the instructions are take half a tablet in the morning and then half in the afternoon. My tolerance to opiates is around 90mg..... I even took a 7 day break until my homeboy slipped thru town and we got some op's 40mg I got two he got 3, I didn't really feel too much but it definetally made me feel in a better mood and more talkative. Now I have a 3 day break.
I am used to going thru withdrawal constantly... It sucks I always feel like shit..... So I don't know if there is some kind of cross tolerance from the opiates or some of my medication has made the tolerance increase. I would do concerta a few times a month and at first I chewed one up and It was all good! Euphoric and motivated. But the crashes were horrible. Just like straight pass out after 3 hours in the middle of the day. I have taken concerta probably 8 times and one got me the next time I tried it. Then the 3rd time It didnt do much at all. So I would chew two... still didnt feel that euphoria or motivation just stimulation, then popped 3 chewed up.... nothing much.
But before I tried concerta 2 months ago I was dating this girl that gets prescribed 20mg xr adderall and one of those brought that euphoria and motivation. I took it a few times and the same result. Then I found this guy who had the 10mg instant release, I took one and same motivation and euphoria. I got probably about 12 from him, and everytime I took one it would get me, but after about 3 days I had to up to 20mg and then It got me everytime. Then since I got used to that feeling of motivation, because I am usually very apathetic..... unless I take opiates or on 3mg of klonopin and 75mg of ephedrine.
Anyways I poured out about half of the beads from every cap she had in her script which was 20 pills so 250mg of addy, I smashed the beads and dosed everyday for like 5 days and the last time I took any of the crushed xr it was like 120mg which just made me feel weird and we were on a dinner date and I had to go outside because I was so depressed. It's like it lost its magic.... I hadnt taken any adderall for about 3 months after that but I took concerta chewed up about 3 times and my tolerance to that shit didn't even drop after a month of not taking any...
I had just been taking oxy at 80mg and tabs at 80mg.....
My psychiatrist prescribed me adderall ir 20 mg and I was like my life is about to change for the better, but when I took a tablet nothing really happened.... So I took two, and yeah there is defenitely stimulation but no euphoria or motivation and no mood lift. She is weening me off klonopin with .5s 2 a day for 5 days then 1 at bedtime for 5 days then quit. I have been taking 2mg of klonopin a day for 3 months now wtf I doubt this will be comfortable...... I have about 5 left.... and I quit taking my baclofen 2 days ago because I read that It inhibits dopamine and the reward center.
I will still take the Neurontin at 900mg as needed, it calms me down. Anyways today since I stopped taking the baclofen 2 days ago and wellbutrin 4 days ago and dropped from 2mg of klonopin to 1mg of klonopin a day and now just one .5 at bedtime. Because she told me to get off of all of it, I think that she is tapering me too fast and I am defenitely having withdrawal from something..... My guess Baclofen... But could be the klonopin because of such a rapid taper.....
My diet is very poor, like one small meal a day and my sleep is very strange. I get 4 hours wake up wide awake and then have to pop 150mg of
vistaril and wait 45 minutes and then I usually fall back asleep for 2 to 4 hours...
I did an experiment today since I stopped the baclofen.... I ate last night a meal and then a pb and j early when I first woke up. Then went back to sleep with the help of 150mg of vistaril , woke up 2 hours later and took 10mg waited nothing much after 30 minutes so I take 10 more wait 30 more minutes nothing really, then I pop 10 more for a total of 30mg and hopped in the shower. Waited for a bit and kinda felt a little clearer and increased energy. Usually I feel as if there is a super haze on my brain unless im on vyvanse.... Anyways I waited for the euphoria and motivation.... none came so I took another 10mg and waited nothing much, more stimulation and head starts tingling so I took 900mg of neurontin and .25mg klonopin to calm thephysical side effects down, So now I'm at 40mg just feeling stimulated.
well I continue this process until about 1 hour ago for a total of 80mg of addy and it is not very comfortable my temples are crawling and its tingling hardcore... it started tripping me out a bit and my heart kinda feels like there is pressure on it when it pumps every now and then. So I popped .5 of klonopin, and I am hoping that it will calm the tingling down.... my chest also feels tight.
So what the fuck!!!? I don't understand I had over three months since I had taken addy and all I had been taking was ephedrine at like 75mg to 100mg a day and it seemed cleaner and actually produced more energy then these damn adderall.... I did the ephedrine for about a week and the most I took of it was 150mg.
So is it diet, my opiate tolerance, sleep, medication? I just want that motivation and energy with slight euphoria.... I thought I would get it from 20mg.... guess not and not at any dose... It seems the more I increase the dose past 40 or 50mg range it becomes overstimulating and not comfortable. The levoamphetamine seems to be showing itself more then the dexamphetamine..... I have a four day break from opiates as of today and I was wondering maybe if withdrawal also plays a role in the good feeling of adderal?
Sorry for such a very very very long question and story but I just don't understand why I can't get motivation or euphoria out of it when I have been off for 3 months and when I did it three months ago it was like a week binge.
My friend gave me a couple of 60mg vyvanse and I felt it. But I think 70 mg or 80 mg of vyvanse would have been perfect because I felt extremely clear headed and had motivation and energy and no anxiety or the weird temple tingling thing or my chest feeling tight.... I know that I am not getting enough of the dopamine effect from the dextro and I am getting more of the cardiovascular and agiatation and anxiety from the levo... even though it is only 25% of the pills.... Toooooo much norepenephrine.......
What can I do to make less of the side effects and more of the Euphoric, motivating, energy effect. I only take 900mg of neurontin as needed, .5mg klonopin once a day, and vistaril and remeron as needed for sleep. I am having withdrawal from either baclofen or klonopin oh and probably a little from opiates, but that's on the regular. I'm taking a break from them for awhile. The withdrawal is uncomfortable but nothing that makes me not be able to do anything I couldnt do when Im not having them. Just annoying.
Anyways, I tried to clean up the post to make it more understandable.
To sum it up, I want to feel energy and motivation and maybe a little euphoria, instead of jittery, speedy, head tingling, anxiety.
Yeah, I am extremely lucky to be alive believe me. I have always been pretty smart about my dosages and accessing my tolerances after breaks of sobriety and honestly I don't hide it from anyone. I know all that 12 step stuff and I know it saves alot of peoples lives. I don't like to participate.
It's been four days off of 80mg of oxy, 6 off wellbutrin, and 3 off baclofen which is a dopamine blocker kinda like ghb and there is a dopamine rebound. I think it hit me today because I woke up in a good mood and I felt a little better. Oh and the longest I had off narcotics was about 100 days but I was substituting it with the Baclofen and Neurontin. Both are mildly recreational. So really I've really never been sober in 3 years, It's just the head change I'm addicted too. So I'm a poly-substance abuser. I have tried almost everything, just out of curiousity....
It's just the opiates that get me everytime..... That's what I told my sister. It starts with the tabs, then percocet, then I'm doing oxy... I mean one time I got prescribed 20 10/500mg lortab, the blue ones..... My tolerance was about 60mg, but the thing is with opiates which now I know is true for sure is that after that intial high when you go up and you think you are starting to come down, you want to pop booster doses. So what I did was took 6 of them that 60mg hydrocodone and 3000mg of tylenol. And then when the high started to wear off I popped 2 more trying to maintain the high. Long story short I kept popping them and ate all 20 within like 10 hours! That's 10000mg of tylenol and 200mg hydro.
I felt like a fucking idiot and knew I damaged my liver because my right side was hurting like a bitch. so I told my girlfriend that I had accidentally taken too much tylenol after two days cause it seemed as if it was getting worse. So went to the er and made up a bullshit story about how I accidentally had taken 10000mg of tylenol and they checked everything out and there was no trace of tylenol or opiates in my system.... and they said I was fine, probably just fucked up my stomach... sent me home. That right there tells you I have an extremely fast metabolism. No sign of opiates after two days of not using....
Anyway when I first took adderall it was my freshman year in college and 1 20mg ir would have me scrubbing the fucking floor with a toothbrush... And so I basically traded a bunch of pain pills for about a month supply of 20mg addy. I took it right after I woke up and hopped in the shower and it would hit me when I was in there and FUCK I was ready to go to class that was for sure.
I wouldn't like stay up days on the shit, I would just take one 20mg adderall and it would last like 12 hours!!! My friend was like wtf they only last 4 or 5 hours and I was like no it's an all day event with me. Anyways I found it strange that one ir would last all day uppppppp like a motherfucker forced myself to eat and had cotton mouth so drank alot of water. None of my friends believed me about how one would last 12 to 13 hours.... But it did, dont know why.
Anyways I continued to take the adderall for that month but I started getting side effects like anxiety and paranoia. And it seemed as if I was becoming more sensitive to it like almost a reverse tolerance. So I started taking less like 15mg and it gave me the same effects as 20mg did, then 15mg was even too strong too much anxiety, then I started taking 10mg and had the same effects as the 20mg did the first time I took it. Is reverse tolerance even possible?
Okay so one day I took 10mg of adderall and we were in the library studying and I just got done with a 6 page paper and I let my friend proof read it. I started getting these strange tingling sensation on my temples and then I had a panic attack and freaked out and didn't know what was going on.... Confused and my friends were like whats wrong with you? Just take deep breathes. I was like no I gotta go, so I went outside and smoked a cigg while I was pacing around and around. The panic attack lasted for over an hour and a half, It felt like an extremely bad trip on acid....
After I had that panic attack I never felt the same physically again even to this day, like my temples feel tingly and my head feels tight all the time. Like a numbness and tingling sensation and a dull mind fog that feels physical... I didn't know what happened and I thought okay it'll go away in a couple days.... Nope so after about a week of feeling strange like out of it everything seemed not real like derealization and dissociation.
Scared the fuck out of me, so I went to a neurologist and she ran full blood work, 24hr heavy metal piss test, cat scan, and did an mri. She said everything came back normal.... So she said I had GAD and threw me a 6 month supply of xanax.... I've read alot of people that have this problem with their head feeling physically strange but their doctors dont know what it is... So my head has felt like this for 3 years and I don't know what it is. It's like nerve damage is my guess. It has not gotten better or worse just the same.
Baclofen made it go away for the first couple months at high doses. Oxycodone and all opiates besides the semi-synthetic ones like demerol and tramadol. Alcohol made it kind of go away. Benzos kind of help it. But it was still there. When I popped about 75mg of pure MDMA It went away! And when I took any uppers I would make it go away. It would lift the haze and the physical feeling on my temples. So that's why I wanted to get on adderall. Because when I did it 3 months ago, it did make me feel clear headed and made me motivated and took away that physical feeling on my temples and that just dullness in my head. But now it isnt doing a damn thing besides giving me side effects. When I took those vyvannse it made me feel extremely clear headed and motivated, that in itself is euphoric.
Pretty much I think that I have a very low amount of dopamine so I'm always craving something to fix it subconsciously and physically everyday my head feels strange and then I think oh if I get some opiates it will fix it, So I do and it does for about 4hrs.... Sucks so I'm pretty much done with the opes for awhile. My serotonin must be compensating for the imbalance of dopamine. So that's what I think makes me feel like shit.
So I got on wellbutin in hopes that it would help with my dopamine.... but come to find out it works more on norepenephrine.... So I need to get on some L-dopa or L-tyrosine which is found in meat...
Yesterday I ate a huge meal, took vitamins and tried to sleep allot. It is very hard for me to sleep, I'll fall asleep for 3 4 hours and then feel wide awake... anyways I probably ended up getting like 7 hours of on and off sleep. So I woke up and felt decent for once, took 20mg of adderall with 600mg of neurontin and was about to take a shower but smoked a cig and decided that 20mg wouldn't be enough so I took another 20mg then hopped in the shower, I felt it kinda like the energy and stuff and a little mood lift, but it was short lived and turned kinda into like I'm just down and apathetic.... So I popped another 10mg and Idk I don't think it did anything but increase the side effects..... So Tomorrow I will dose with 30mg and stick with that.
The only medicine that I'm on right now is adderall ir, klonopin .5 for 2 more days then off that, and neurontin 600 to whatever mg I need, up to 1500mg.
So just adderall and neurontin. I have not taken any other medicine for 4 days the last was oxy 80mg.
I need ways to replenish my dopamine stores.... any suggestions. Preferably things accessible without a script.
That is my story. I know it is extremely long but if anyone reads it I would really appreciate feedback and support. As I mentioned I just want to feel normal again. Without any medications. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
To start off.
I am on klonopin 1mg once a day. I usually take 2 to 3 and run out early and have to wait two weeks. It wears off too fast and I end up taking on at 8am and then 3pm and then usually one in the evening. Most times I try and just take one but most days I don't. Some days none. Some days a half a pill. I recently just got repriscrebed it 3 months ago from a new doctor who is ultra conservative. As previously I was on 1mg t.i.d. so it just doesn't seem addiquit... but I'm scared to ask for an increase as he know of my past opiate dependence.
I also have ambien and take it 10mg at bedtime. So 30 pills on that also. I sometimes take it as a substitute for my klonopin as it doesn't make me tired for some reason and it has anixilotic effects. So I run out 2 weeks early on it also.
I also have Gabapentin 800mg pills 120 count. At 1600mg b.i.d. I stopped taking high doses of it do to it making me feel even worse than I already do. It use to give me energy and make me manic. Not anymore... so I take 1 800mg pill twice a day sometimes once a day.
I recently quit a two year addiction to methadone. It was my third time in 4 years to be on mmt. I did a rapid taper in 17 days. Last November. So I've been off of it for a while but I still feel terrible. I felt better on methadone then off. And I still crave opiates and have dabbled in oxy 30 and oxy 15 along with percocet and occasionally I'll buy a bottle of methadone from my friend and dose 10mg a day and it really helps my physical agony that I experience every day. When I say dabble I mean like once a month sometimes once every two months. And never exceeding 50mg of minor opiates (pills) and never more than 15 to 20mg of methadone.
I also occasionally do some adderall and vyvanse. As I can get them for cheap. But that's in moderation. I was completely clean off of everything from late December to early March. And I still felt like shit.
I just want to feel normal again. I want a clear head. I want to experience emotions again. I want to truly care and truly love again. I want to enjoy life again like before I ever got trapped in this 7 year addiction to all psychoactive substances trying to feel better since the first time I didn't feel like myself anymore. I am so sick of feeling lazy and apathetic. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I just go through the motions. I truly am numb.
I have extreme anxiety and physical feelings of distress and agony. I'm miserable. I can't give my family the love they deserve. I can't treat my amazing girlfriend properly due to the fact that all I can focus on is how I feel so terrible physically and emotionally, the anxiety. And just focus on how to make it go awa . I can't keep a job. My head feels strange all of the time. It feels dull physically. I am still very intelligent. I just don't feel right and I would love to be able to feel normal again. Like the tingly feeling on my temples go away, the agitation, the extreme panic anxiety, the apathy. I want to feel motivation. I want to feel excited about things again and truly enjoy things again. Somewhere I lost myself.
Please, if anyone else has felt these physical feelings on there head like their brain doesn't feel right and temples feel strange please reach out to me.. it would be a blessing. If anyone has been able to get back to what they felt like before drugs and the damage they have caused please tell me how.
I would love to be off of all medication but right now it seems impossible due to the extreme anxiety I have. So klonopin seems warranted at this point.
Here is my back story I posted in another section of the forum I was asked to post here and elsewhere.
I wrote the following in 2013. I have matured and calmed down my drug consumption since. Dramatically.
Here it is:
Just started Adderall and Have extreme tolerance.... Doesnt make sense.
Okay to start off, I have been a member for quite sometime and I refer to this site alot and it has probably saved my life so thanks!!!!
Ill start off with my story of drugs, it was February 8th 2009 dropped a pink playboy bunny stamp, I had never tried anything else recreationally ever. So it was 2 days after my 18th birthday. It took about two hours to hit! When it hit man was I rolling!!! Everything just felt soooooooo right. Im guessing oxytocin is the cause of feeling so connected.
Then my friend and I all summer every weekend would dose 300mg dxm then after that I went to university and did that occasionally. One day my friend had a whole lot of percocet and I asked him if I could try one and he said yeah. So I fell in love, I just had to fight thru the nausea the first few times, 15mg had me throwing up. I did them every now and then when they came around nothing big 15mg got me everytime for about 6 months, then I tried oxycontin 80 and it was all down hill from there.....
I got hooked, I was working a serving job and when I had my oxy I would be the best anyone would want to wait on them. But when I didnt have any I would be sluggish. And the whole time im on 1mg xanax a day for 2 1/2 years. My tolerance built up to where I was taking roughly 300mg of oxy a day. Very expensive habit, I was in a very serious relationship and she supported my habit after I lost my job because the drugs were more important. My girl said you have to get off or we cant be together anymore, so I had two options, Suboxone or Methadone.
I was still on xanax that my neuro had prescribed me and I read that if you mix it with methadone it will do one of two things keep getting you high throughout the treatment.... Or it would kill you. So I went with the good old clinic, of course I went to the maximum dose of 100mg and then on saturday I would double dose so 200mg which equals about 800mg of oxy.
On top of all the downers I took MDMA, consumed alcohol on the weekends and on wednesdays. My neuro took me off xanax, well refused to prescribe me anymore. So I started buying it from a guy he usually had bars and so I would pick up about seven every 5 days or so. I tried to ween off using klonopin and got down to .25 mg a day but I couldnt not take it, I had horrible withdrawel. So I was always chasing something.
One time the guy that I get bars from didnt have any but he had soma, so I bought 12 of them and popped one, didnt feel anything so 2 still nothing then 3....... and blackout fall through our glass table in the living room passed out on top of 200mg of methadone. I had dropped my girl off at work and I was suppose to pick her up and she kept calling and calling and then got a ride from a friend but she didnt have the key to our apartment so she had to call the owner of the apartments at 1 in the morning to come unlock the door only to see me passed out. she called my sister and said she thought I was dead, and then beat the shit out of me and I woke up! I guess a miracle.
I wrecked into cars once a week and I totaled two cars while on that combo... then the last time I wrecked I was driving under suspension so I got taken to jail. My whole family was going to pull an intervention on me the next day because my girl and my sister told my whole family. But I pulled one on myself, the sentence was like a month or something but I got arrained in two days and the judge dropped all but a speeding ticket that I had. So I had just 300 in fines and it was 100 a day so 3 more days. My family refused to bail me out even though I was literally dying!!! You can't even imagine the cold turkey withdrawals from 200mg of methadone and 2 mg of xanax a day for 8 days over christmas....
I got released on christmas day and immeditally my family took me to a medical detox center and I spent 12 days in there using suboxone and librium to come off. I was so dope sick even after I got realeased for about a month, I then went to a $50000, 45 day rehab. I was getting clearer they tried all these antidepressants which made me suciadal so I didnt take them, then the doctor prescribed me baclofen and neurontin. The first two weeks on 20mg of baclofen made me feel kinda drunk and made me happy. So I got them to up the dose. Anyways I relapsed in rehab on my graduation day 30 minutes before they had found out that I had snorted subutex that a guy checked for me.....
Anyways my family dropped me, lost everything girl and all. Was basically on the streets went from one half way house to another. My tolerance to opiates dropped where I would feel good off 7.5 mg of lortab. So I started taking tabs again and xanax too that i bought. Within a month I had to take 30mg of oxy, then within 2 months I was taking 60mg of whatever painkiller again and I was living with a friend whos dad was prescribed 60s and 80s. So sometimes I would get one or two.
Then I was just getting sick of chasing the shit again so I up and moved to a different city in my state. Totally new to me... not knowing anyone and I got in a sober house and was having withdrawal again and this kid in there was drinking and taking his dads tabs, he said hey maybe we can ween you off so he gave me some everyday 50,40,30 etc.. and then he was getting so strung out he passed out in his truck infront of the house and everyone saw him so he got kicked out.... Then 3 days later he totaled his truck and his mom went through his phone and saw text messages for me asking if he got me some or not... So I got kicked out.
Then I moved into a church house and was sober from the opiates and benzos for 3 months but I was still taking baclofen in very high doses like 120mg a day... and I drank sometimes and did dxm a couple of times. Then I started networking and found connects for whatever I wanted and I moved in with a girlfriend at the time. So on and off of tabs ranging from 20mg to 120mg a day. on and off. Then I moved out and now I live with another girl and I got prescribed klonopin 2mg, baclofen 120mg, neurontin 2400mg.... tried depakote, tried lamictal..... Just got on wellbutrin and I tolerated it very well at 150mg xl and I was also helping me stop smoking, I was on it for 2 weeks.
Then I got a new psychiatrist and she is taking me off everything and putting me on adderall 20mg a day, but gave me 60 20mg pills and the instructions are take half a tablet in the morning and then half in the afternoon. My tolerance to opiates is around 90mg..... I even took a 7 day break until my homeboy slipped thru town and we got some op's 40mg I got two he got 3, I didn't really feel too much but it definetally made me feel in a better mood and more talkative. Now I have a 3 day break.
I am used to going thru withdrawal constantly... It sucks I always feel like shit..... So I don't know if there is some kind of cross tolerance from the opiates or some of my medication has made the tolerance increase. I would do concerta a few times a month and at first I chewed one up and It was all good! Euphoric and motivated. But the crashes were horrible. Just like straight pass out after 3 hours in the middle of the day. I have taken concerta probably 8 times and one got me the next time I tried it. Then the 3rd time It didnt do much at all. So I would chew two... still didnt feel that euphoria or motivation just stimulation, then popped 3 chewed up.... nothing much.
But before I tried concerta 2 months ago I was dating this girl that gets prescribed 20mg xr adderall and one of those brought that euphoria and motivation. I took it a few times and the same result. Then I found this guy who had the 10mg instant release, I took one and same motivation and euphoria. I got probably about 12 from him, and everytime I took one it would get me, but after about 3 days I had to up to 20mg and then It got me everytime. Then since I got used to that feeling of motivation, because I am usually very apathetic..... unless I take opiates or on 3mg of klonopin and 75mg of ephedrine.
Anyways I poured out about half of the beads from every cap she had in her script which was 20 pills so 250mg of addy, I smashed the beads and dosed everyday for like 5 days and the last time I took any of the crushed xr it was like 120mg which just made me feel weird and we were on a dinner date and I had to go outside because I was so depressed. It's like it lost its magic.... I hadnt taken any adderall for about 3 months after that but I took concerta chewed up about 3 times and my tolerance to that shit didn't even drop after a month of not taking any...
I had just been taking oxy at 80mg and tabs at 80mg.....
My psychiatrist prescribed me adderall ir 20 mg and I was like my life is about to change for the better, but when I took a tablet nothing really happened.... So I took two, and yeah there is defenitely stimulation but no euphoria or motivation and no mood lift. She is weening me off klonopin with .5s 2 a day for 5 days then 1 at bedtime for 5 days then quit. I have been taking 2mg of klonopin a day for 3 months now wtf I doubt this will be comfortable...... I have about 5 left.... and I quit taking my baclofen 2 days ago because I read that It inhibits dopamine and the reward center.
I will still take the Neurontin at 900mg as needed, it calms me down. Anyways today since I stopped taking the baclofen 2 days ago and wellbutrin 4 days ago and dropped from 2mg of klonopin to 1mg of klonopin a day and now just one .5 at bedtime. Because she told me to get off of all of it, I think that she is tapering me too fast and I am defenitely having withdrawal from something..... My guess Baclofen... But could be the klonopin because of such a rapid taper.....
My diet is very poor, like one small meal a day and my sleep is very strange. I get 4 hours wake up wide awake and then have to pop 150mg of
vistaril and wait 45 minutes and then I usually fall back asleep for 2 to 4 hours...
I did an experiment today since I stopped the baclofen.... I ate last night a meal and then a pb and j early when I first woke up. Then went back to sleep with the help of 150mg of vistaril , woke up 2 hours later and took 10mg waited nothing much after 30 minutes so I take 10 more wait 30 more minutes nothing really, then I pop 10 more for a total of 30mg and hopped in the shower. Waited for a bit and kinda felt a little clearer and increased energy. Usually I feel as if there is a super haze on my brain unless im on vyvanse.... Anyways I waited for the euphoria and motivation.... none came so I took another 10mg and waited nothing much, more stimulation and head starts tingling so I took 900mg of neurontin and .25mg klonopin to calm thephysical side effects down, So now I'm at 40mg just feeling stimulated.
well I continue this process until about 1 hour ago for a total of 80mg of addy and it is not very comfortable my temples are crawling and its tingling hardcore... it started tripping me out a bit and my heart kinda feels like there is pressure on it when it pumps every now and then. So I popped .5 of klonopin, and I am hoping that it will calm the tingling down.... my chest also feels tight.
So what the fuck!!!? I don't understand I had over three months since I had taken addy and all I had been taking was ephedrine at like 75mg to 100mg a day and it seemed cleaner and actually produced more energy then these damn adderall.... I did the ephedrine for about a week and the most I took of it was 150mg.
So is it diet, my opiate tolerance, sleep, medication? I just want that motivation and energy with slight euphoria.... I thought I would get it from 20mg.... guess not and not at any dose... It seems the more I increase the dose past 40 or 50mg range it becomes overstimulating and not comfortable. The levoamphetamine seems to be showing itself more then the dexamphetamine..... I have a four day break from opiates as of today and I was wondering maybe if withdrawal also plays a role in the good feeling of adderal?
Sorry for such a very very very long question and story but I just don't understand why I can't get motivation or euphoria out of it when I have been off for 3 months and when I did it three months ago it was like a week binge.
My friend gave me a couple of 60mg vyvanse and I felt it. But I think 70 mg or 80 mg of vyvanse would have been perfect because I felt extremely clear headed and had motivation and energy and no anxiety or the weird temple tingling thing or my chest feeling tight.... I know that I am not getting enough of the dopamine effect from the dextro and I am getting more of the cardiovascular and agiatation and anxiety from the levo... even though it is only 25% of the pills.... Toooooo much norepenephrine.......
What can I do to make less of the side effects and more of the Euphoric, motivating, energy effect. I only take 900mg of neurontin as needed, .5mg klonopin once a day, and vistaril and remeron as needed for sleep. I am having withdrawal from either baclofen or klonopin oh and probably a little from opiates, but that's on the regular. I'm taking a break from them for awhile. The withdrawal is uncomfortable but nothing that makes me not be able to do anything I couldnt do when Im not having them. Just annoying.
Anyways, I tried to clean up the post to make it more understandable.
To sum it up, I want to feel energy and motivation and maybe a little euphoria, instead of jittery, speedy, head tingling, anxiety.
Yeah, I am extremely lucky to be alive believe me. I have always been pretty smart about my dosages and accessing my tolerances after breaks of sobriety and honestly I don't hide it from anyone. I know all that 12 step stuff and I know it saves alot of peoples lives. I don't like to participate.
It's been four days off of 80mg of oxy, 6 off wellbutrin, and 3 off baclofen which is a dopamine blocker kinda like ghb and there is a dopamine rebound. I think it hit me today because I woke up in a good mood and I felt a little better. Oh and the longest I had off narcotics was about 100 days but I was substituting it with the Baclofen and Neurontin. Both are mildly recreational. So really I've really never been sober in 3 years, It's just the head change I'm addicted too. So I'm a poly-substance abuser. I have tried almost everything, just out of curiousity....
It's just the opiates that get me everytime..... That's what I told my sister. It starts with the tabs, then percocet, then I'm doing oxy... I mean one time I got prescribed 20 10/500mg lortab, the blue ones..... My tolerance was about 60mg, but the thing is with opiates which now I know is true for sure is that after that intial high when you go up and you think you are starting to come down, you want to pop booster doses. So what I did was took 6 of them that 60mg hydrocodone and 3000mg of tylenol. And then when the high started to wear off I popped 2 more trying to maintain the high. Long story short I kept popping them and ate all 20 within like 10 hours! That's 10000mg of tylenol and 200mg hydro.
I felt like a fucking idiot and knew I damaged my liver because my right side was hurting like a bitch. so I told my girlfriend that I had accidentally taken too much tylenol after two days cause it seemed as if it was getting worse. So went to the er and made up a bullshit story about how I accidentally had taken 10000mg of tylenol and they checked everything out and there was no trace of tylenol or opiates in my system.... and they said I was fine, probably just fucked up my stomach... sent me home. That right there tells you I have an extremely fast metabolism. No sign of opiates after two days of not using....
Anyway when I first took adderall it was my freshman year in college and 1 20mg ir would have me scrubbing the fucking floor with a toothbrush... And so I basically traded a bunch of pain pills for about a month supply of 20mg addy. I took it right after I woke up and hopped in the shower and it would hit me when I was in there and FUCK I was ready to go to class that was for sure.
I wouldn't like stay up days on the shit, I would just take one 20mg adderall and it would last like 12 hours!!! My friend was like wtf they only last 4 or 5 hours and I was like no it's an all day event with me. Anyways I found it strange that one ir would last all day uppppppp like a motherfucker forced myself to eat and had cotton mouth so drank alot of water. None of my friends believed me about how one would last 12 to 13 hours.... But it did, dont know why.
Anyways I continued to take the adderall for that month but I started getting side effects like anxiety and paranoia. And it seemed as if I was becoming more sensitive to it like almost a reverse tolerance. So I started taking less like 15mg and it gave me the same effects as 20mg did, then 15mg was even too strong too much anxiety, then I started taking 10mg and had the same effects as the 20mg did the first time I took it. Is reverse tolerance even possible?
Okay so one day I took 10mg of adderall and we were in the library studying and I just got done with a 6 page paper and I let my friend proof read it. I started getting these strange tingling sensation on my temples and then I had a panic attack and freaked out and didn't know what was going on.... Confused and my friends were like whats wrong with you? Just take deep breathes. I was like no I gotta go, so I went outside and smoked a cigg while I was pacing around and around. The panic attack lasted for over an hour and a half, It felt like an extremely bad trip on acid....
After I had that panic attack I never felt the same physically again even to this day, like my temples feel tingly and my head feels tight all the time. Like a numbness and tingling sensation and a dull mind fog that feels physical... I didn't know what happened and I thought okay it'll go away in a couple days.... Nope so after about a week of feeling strange like out of it everything seemed not real like derealization and dissociation.
Scared the fuck out of me, so I went to a neurologist and she ran full blood work, 24hr heavy metal piss test, cat scan, and did an mri. She said everything came back normal.... So she said I had GAD and threw me a 6 month supply of xanax.... I've read alot of people that have this problem with their head feeling physically strange but their doctors dont know what it is... So my head has felt like this for 3 years and I don't know what it is. It's like nerve damage is my guess. It has not gotten better or worse just the same.
Baclofen made it go away for the first couple months at high doses. Oxycodone and all opiates besides the semi-synthetic ones like demerol and tramadol. Alcohol made it kind of go away. Benzos kind of help it. But it was still there. When I popped about 75mg of pure MDMA It went away! And when I took any uppers I would make it go away. It would lift the haze and the physical feeling on my temples. So that's why I wanted to get on adderall. Because when I did it 3 months ago, it did make me feel clear headed and made me motivated and took away that physical feeling on my temples and that just dullness in my head. But now it isnt doing a damn thing besides giving me side effects. When I took those vyvannse it made me feel extremely clear headed and motivated, that in itself is euphoric.
Pretty much I think that I have a very low amount of dopamine so I'm always craving something to fix it subconsciously and physically everyday my head feels strange and then I think oh if I get some opiates it will fix it, So I do and it does for about 4hrs.... Sucks so I'm pretty much done with the opes for awhile. My serotonin must be compensating for the imbalance of dopamine. So that's what I think makes me feel like shit.
So I got on wellbutin in hopes that it would help with my dopamine.... but come to find out it works more on norepenephrine.... So I need to get on some L-dopa or L-tyrosine which is found in meat...
Yesterday I ate a huge meal, took vitamins and tried to sleep allot. It is very hard for me to sleep, I'll fall asleep for 3 4 hours and then feel wide awake... anyways I probably ended up getting like 7 hours of on and off sleep. So I woke up and felt decent for once, took 20mg of adderall with 600mg of neurontin and was about to take a shower but smoked a cig and decided that 20mg wouldn't be enough so I took another 20mg then hopped in the shower, I felt it kinda like the energy and stuff and a little mood lift, but it was short lived and turned kinda into like I'm just down and apathetic.... So I popped another 10mg and Idk I don't think it did anything but increase the side effects..... So Tomorrow I will dose with 30mg and stick with that.
The only medicine that I'm on right now is adderall ir, klonopin .5 for 2 more days then off that, and neurontin 600 to whatever mg I need, up to 1500mg.
So just adderall and neurontin. I have not taken any other medicine for 4 days the last was oxy 80mg.
I need ways to replenish my dopamine stores.... any suggestions. Preferably things accessible without a script.
That is my story. I know it is extremely long but if anyone reads it I would really appreciate feedback and support. As I mentioned I just want to feel normal again. Without any medications. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
