He is dying. I am struggling.

[pandas]

I need to write this out. Please read it. I'll keep it brief. My question is at the end.

My dad is terminally ill with cancer. He is starting chemotherapy but it is pancreatic cancer that has already spread to his liver. He cannot be cured. I live with him and I will be caring for him - all the way to having his memorial service and probate.

This is a sad, stressful period in my life. The best case scenario is he has two years. He could die much sooner. Six months? I'll know more after his first round of chemo is over. It's a month long and starts this week. I will take him to chemo and he will have chemo at home. He's already in pain. Obviously I've taken over household duties etc. He is young (60's), was very active, this is a total shock.

My my dad and I took care of my mom when she was terminally ill. It was so hard. We did it together. Now I'm on my own to take care of my dying father. I'm crying, sleeping or eating is very little. I'm losing track of what day it is. I think it's an escapism thing...I'm not doing in on purpose. When I'm not crying, I feel spaced out. Doing laundry feeling robotic, etc. I'm lucid yet out of it.

How do i not relapse? I want to drink, I'm an alcoholic but rarely drink now. Only at a restaurant occasionally and two drinks only. My dad goes to bed early. I get cravings to drink wine and relax at night.

I cant do that. It will become a disaster. I think I'll be ok. I have to be strong and I have to be there for him. He'd also be sad if I relapsed. It just cannot happen. Period. No.

There is no wine here. My boyfriend would intervene. That's almost the only thing that keeps me from secretly drinking. I don't want to drink but I wish I could for escape. That's how i became an alcoholic after my mom died. But I will be miserable and fail my father. I'll be on the fast track to my own death. Just...NO. Not for me. No alcohol.

QUESTION: Has anyone gone through a similar situation? How do I stay sober? I use no illegal drugs, fortunately. But I was/am a severe alcoholic.

 

[herbavore]

Oh, pandas, I am so sorry. Because you went through this with your mother you know exactly what it entails and you are right, it is excruciating. I have helped people die, including my father, and there is no way around the pain. One thing that I will always feel however, is that I helped my Dad have a "good" death. He felt loved and even when his body started to fail and he was so embarrassed to have to expose that vulnerability to his children, we were there to reassure him with love and humor and authenticity and I know that made up for every single time in our lives that our relationship had suffered--from the normal age gap stuff that parents and kids go through to the more personal struggles we had. In other words, even though this may be the hardest thing you have ever done, it is also a very big opportunity for a whole new level to your relationship. There is a grace that happens when a person understands they are dying and if it can be honored by authenticity, it opens a whole new world of intimacy. In other words, you do not have to be a saint--just a human being willing to see someone you love through the end of life.

As far as your fears about relapse go, my advice is to set up extra support right now before all the real day to day stress of care-giving mounts and before your feelings are so tender that they overwhelm you. Remember everything you learned about addiction before--how the escape is not really an escape at all. Of course you are going to feel that you need an escape but you can deal with that in ways that really actually give you true (and lasting) comfort rather than the escape of a substance that you already know in your heart will destroy you. Do you think you could talk to your boyfriend about this openly?

When you went into recovery before did you attend any kind of meetings? If they were helpful, you should start them again. If they were not helpful, there are alternatives. I went to a support group for caregivers when my husband's cancer was really bad and it helped to share the burden with others that got it. It gave me a place to cry, vent frustration and talk about my fears and it also connected me to others that were living the same (or worse!) reality. There were two people in my group who, like you, were also terrified of relapse due to the stress and the emotional pain. As far as I know, neither relapsed but I do know that they both were pretty serious about setting up a framework outside them (friends, recovery groups, online resources) that could hold them up when they got exhausted by it all.

I think it is very courageous of you to be willing to be there like this for your Dad. I know that he himself is probably scared. He also knows that you are and that feels very helpless to a parent. Maybe you could get some books about the end of life that would give you strength.

A book that really helped me that your Dad and you might check out is Ram Dass' book about the end stages of life.


I hope that you will use this thread that you have created to help you cope.I have found Bluelight to be an amazing community of big, open hearts and there are probably many people that have dealt with at least parts of your situation if not everything. You sound like a very strong person and I imagine right now you may have forgotten that about yourself. Remember that you have already overcome so much and it took great strength and patience and hard-won wisdom to do that. All of that is still inside you. Being afraid of falling is not the same as falling--in fact it is a very necessary emotion to alert you to danger so that you can avoid the fall altogether. The philosophy of mindfulness taught me to embrace the most painful emotions rather than go into my old patterns of fight or flight in my head. It's been very helpful. If you can incorporate any group or therapy that teaches you those tools it would be very helpful for you in the days and months and even years ahead.
I' so glad you turned to Bluelight for support.


“We are motivated more by aversion to the unpleasant than by a will toward truth, freedom, or healing. We are constantly attempting to escape our life, to avoid rather than enter our pain we, and we wonder why it is so difficult to be fully alive. (43)”
― Stephen Levine, A Year to Live: How to Live This Year as If It Were Your Last

 

[pandas]

Thank you for such a thoughtful post. You "get it."

I appreciate the encouragement and I'm committed to not relapsing.

I can do this. I have to, I don't want this happening. I don't want him to die.

It's so true that Life is NOT fair. I learned that long ago. Radical acceptance and do what needs to be done. And stay clean.