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He doesn't want sex as much as I do, is it me?

A

alwaysavixen

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 7, 2016
Messages
3
My bf said he has a high sex drive and likes to have sex 3x a week. We've been together for 2 years and sex has been about once a week, if that, and I'm starting to think it's pity sex. I have a high sex drive and he's never been on the "other" side of having to push someone away for sex. I'm the sub, so I rarely initiate and when I have, he denies me. He feels guilty for not pleasuring me enough, for not wanting it enough. He gets upset with me if I want it more than once a week and says, "we just had sex".

I'm asking if it's truly me because he'll masturbate up to 5x a day (maybe more). He likes to watch p*rn and prefers tiny/petite/young girls. Um, I'm overweight and twice the age of his demographic. He has told me, repeatedly, that it's not me. But with that much masturbating, why doesn't he want to have sex with me? He knows I'll even give him oral if he wants with nothing more, but even that, he'd rather masturbate. I understand that masturbating is different from sex, but the problem is, I'm tired of masturbating and am getting to the point of wanting to find a side-man who have sex with me more than my BF, but I'm not the type that cheats.

What can I do? Are my options to leave him, cheat on him, or accept this? Sex is very important to me to the point that I won't get involved with someone if they can't even kiss. Sex with my bf is out of this world (best I've ever had), but I am truly starting to feel that my once a week, maybe, with him is just pity sex.

Help. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him, but he gets upset and then feels super guilty about not pleasing me. I don't know if he truly feels guilt or if he's turning it on me so I'll feel bad for wanting it. Men who have this issue with women (I know it's more common), how do you handle it? What do you do?
 
Didn't he contradict himself then? Straight up said he wants sex 3x a week, but then complains after having it once a week? Hmm...

You'll need to talk to him, of course. From what I see, it's a lack of owning up to being the one wrong or making mistakes. There's always this societal pressure (even more so with people who are very egotistical) to act like one's perfect, never wrong/always right, nothing is their fault, etc. It's a cyclical mistake that doesn't get anything done. There's no such thing as perfect. If he is committed to you and cares enough, then give it time for him to let it sink in, and judge him by his actions concerning what he is going to do about it. If there's an improvement or if you feel like he is trying harder than before, then I would suggest being content with that. It depends on what he's going through, and what his reasons are.

Honestly, I haven't had this problem lol. So I can't answer specifically about what I'd do. I can only guess and say that regardless of my sex drive, the other person has to be comfortable or else it's not worth pursuing in my mind. There are a lot of other ways to bond with someone outside of sexual relations. But if sex is that important to you, then keep emphasizing that to him until he gets it, lol. If he still doesn't care, then what you have is a bf that doesn't care. I said it that way on purpose, because it's one of those "it is what it is" type of deals.

Oh and tell him to stop watching porn, or at least take a break, only because it is affecting both of your sex lives negatively.
 
Porn is terrible for men, particularly the male sex drive. if he cut that off you'd wake up with his face in your crotch unless he's just not into you.

Porn is an illuminati program to turn men into weaklings playing with themselves watching other men fuck women.

There's been studies about how bad it is, I don't have any off the top of my head just google it.
 
I agree with the stopping porn thing..i use to not want sex at all and i stopped porn and masturbation and after a month if a girl even touches my shoulder im ready to go
 
Sometimes I feel like I'm more into surfing youporn and jacking off than having sex myself..a high sex drive is more like sex everyday. ...3x a week seems like the average person...I'm a male and have the same problem, my girl wants it more than me..I blamed my sex drive for the faults..but i soon learned it was my anxiety holding me back. .I explained this to my girl and she backed off and stopped making me feel like I have expectations as a man to fulfill her every desire...it has now been a month later and I noticed I am a lot more hornier and have sex with her more and initiating it. Just knowing she always wanted it and always making passes at me did the opposite and turned me off and gave me performance anxiety..since she backed off I feel my sex drive getting stronger again..
We like smoking marijuana and or taking adderall to enhance the sex and my god it does and it improved out sexuality.
 
opiatekrzy said:
Sometimes I feel like I'm more into surfing youporn and jacking off than having sex myself..a high sex drive is more like sex everyday. ...3x a week seems like the average person...I'm a male and have the same problem, my girl wants it more than me..I blamed my sex drive for the faults..but i soon learned it was my anxiety holding me back. .I explained this to my girl and she backed off and stopped making me feel like I have expectations as a man to fulfill her every desire...it has now been a month later and I noticed I am a lot more hornier and have sex with her more and initiating it. Just knowing she always wanted it and always making passes at me did the opposite and turned me off and gave me performance anxiety..since she backed off I feel my sex drive getting stronger again..
We like smoking marijuana and or taking adderall to enhance the sex and my god it does and it improved out sexuality.
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3x a week, huh? I don't think I know anyone that gets it that much. Where are these people? How do I find one? I'm kidding....for now. ;)

I do wonder how much of it is anxiety, however, I try not to pressure him or say anything. He's the dom, so I also try not to initiate too much as he prefers to do it. I'd say, over the past 6 months, I have said very little and I noticed that we're down to about once every 1-1.5 to 3 weeks. Reading your post made me think of something. He has a hard time getting me off (it's just how I am) and I'm pretty sure he takes it personally. I wonder if that's his anxiety acting up and that he thinks we'll have to have sex for a very long time, so he'd rather masturbate and get off alone (he doesn't even like when I accidentally interrupt him - he'd rather finish alone). When he wants a morning quickie, he always apologizes after he's done because he knows I'm no where near done or now I'm just really getting started. And in the AM, he's not keen on finishing me because he's half awake or has to go to work. He feels super guilty although I've told him me getting off isn't why I want sex. I've tried not masturbating so I can finish easier, but when I do that, for whatever reason, then he doesn't want it for weeks and I'm horny as heck to the point where I wonder if some random guy showed interest, I'd jump him.

As someone that realizes that anxiety, if you think that is his issue (choosing porn over sex with me because it's easier, faster, way less work), do you think if I said, "I promise not to do masturbate, but we have to have sex once a week, I will be able to finish faster/easier", do you think that would help him? Granted, he doesn't like scheduling sex cuz now it's a "chore". Sigh. I'm not winning here.

at least I can ask him why.....beyond work and being tired. cuz y'know, he has time and energy to masturbate 5x a day (sometimes) and look at porn for an hour. Ugh. Maybe he's just lazy.
 
Thanks everyone. I'll be honest, I'm not sure the no porn thing will happen. Seriously, this man has been at it at this pace since he was probably 10 years old. And even when he hasn't masturbated for, let's say a week, it's not like it's helped him want me more; it just makes him finish faster and then feel crappy about not getting me off in those few minutes, hehe.

I also know sometimes we'll have back-to-back (to back up to 4x) sessions. I can't say it's affecting him all that much. But he feels 4x in one day makes up for the next couple weeks. Whereas, for my stupid body, that's like 1 session and I want him again a couple days later. Now granted, at that point, he probably is tired and did a lot of work, so I don't push him. Unfortunately for me, the more sex we have, the more I want him.

Maybe I can talk to him and ask him to cut back. Maybe once a day? I'm pretty sure he's one of those guys who gets turned on and since now he's hard, it's distracting, so he masturbates.
 
My partner prefers sex more often than I would initiate it. For me giving up porn has improved my sex drive. I masturbate much less often and the biggest change was what was going on in my head while masturbating.

Our sex life was slipping and becoming less and less enjoyable removing porn improved it dramatically. This was something I had to do on my own because I wanted to fix what I was doing wrong it our relationship. My partner asking me to do this would have actually made it a lot harder. When i was having a decline in my sex life it was not a subject I want to discuss. The most difficult part is communicating the issue without waking the bear.

There is hope, my partner of 14 years has a weight issue and has gained considerable weight over the years, changing from a lust driven sex drive when we were slimmer, younger and horny like schoolboys to a love driven sex life has really been the mental key I needed. We have sex daily unless one of us is away, often more than once per day.
 
Lol, well honestly it doesn't seem like it is too much of a problem now. If your man loves you, then he should be able to do anything for you (that's within his power).
 
If you love him then help him. He's obviously a porn addict, I have a huge sex drive, but jerking 5x a day has too be horribly unpleasant, dicks get sore ya know.. And it's been going on for years? It's 100% the porn.. That shit changes your perception on what sex should be, so in his mind sex needs to be him ramming you hard as fuck for 20 minutes and jizzing on your face(almost every porno) they fuck in porn, it's not sex. Cut him off and get to work having real sex, sometimes it's hot and raunchy and last all night. Sometimes it's slow and close and you both get off after a few minutes. I'm telling you, porn makes you forget how to enjoy having sex, he doesn't want it from you because sub consciously he thinks he's not performing good, a pornstar would be screaming and talking filthy and having ear shattering orgasm, yeah that's fun, but that's not how real couples have sex every time. Porn is damaging to men after a while
 
Very true infectdmushroom & 2minutesnoots, although alot of the themes (esp the lingerie) are awesome lol. If u know how to appreciate SEX then I think u can separate the two (porn from realworld) but without fulfilling the partner first he still has something to learn. especially if ur doing oral & swallowing and all he shouldnt be complaining or lacking at all lol.
 
Hmmm... He may want a shorter duration, maybe? How long do you prefer sex to take?

And hate to come out and say it, but porn has the ~perfect woman~ for a man going for it. Perfect body is a large part, but another is the woman always has such energy for any position, and lots of them each session. She always very loudly moans to express her pleasure in a way that tbh just doesn't come naturally whatsoever. Who wants to have to worry about if they're loud enough constantly?

Making him crave this impossible experience and thinking this is realistic... Gotta deal with the porn, girl. But banning it completely will backfire, so try compromising with him on it. ??
 
It sounds like you live as roommates, not as lovers. He loves you as a friend but he is not attracted to you. You have some options: 1) accept the status quo, 2) find somebody who is attracted to you; 3) make yourself attractive to him. I agree that he is having pity sex. If he wanted your body, he would be having sex with you five times a day instead of masturbating that often. I think you said you are a big girl. If that's the case, lose weight and get in shape. Dress more feminine. Learn to be elegant and graceful.
 
socko said:
I think you said you are a big girl. If that's the case, lose weight and get in shape. Dress more feminine. Learn to be elegant and graceful.
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I was in agreement completely with your post except this bit, I want to add something important at this point:

You also wrote that an alternative option is finding somebody else who thinks she's already sexy the way she is now. I have to say, this is probably a healthier choice for you to make overall.

It seems setting yourself up for unhappiness down the road if you aren't being true to yourself around the person you love. Even if you do care enough for him to make those adjustments, you might end up resentful.
 
porn rewires your brain, makes it hard to come from sex.

cut out porn for 1 week and see how your sex improves. you can cum easily:\
 
I think your suggestion is the most realistic. It would be more practical for the OP to find somebody who is attracted to her as she is now rather than change. There are plenty of other men for her to choose from.
Having said that, I find that love is one of the most powerful motivating forces that gives us the will to make changes on ourselves. If the change is for the better and not too stressful or unrealistic, it can be a good thing, assuming winning the romantic attraction of OPs boyfriend is worth it. If it is not worth it or it doesn't work, it could make her miserable and be unhealthy psychologically.
Maybe it is best for her to follow her heart.


trunkofmycar said:
I was in agreement completely with your post except this bit, I want to add something important at this point:

You also wrote that an alternative option is finding somebody else who thinks she's already sexy the way she is now. I have to say, this is probably a healthier choice for you to make overall.

It seems setting yourself up for unhappiness down the road if you aren't being true to yourself around the person you love. Even if you do care enough for him to make those adjustments, you might end up resentful.
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The comments about the porn are true. It rewires the brain. Like cocaine, it short circuits the reward pathway in the brain. Masturbating 5 tiems a day to porn is psychologically harmful.
 
I did mean to add that to my post, but didn't wanna tl;dr. Nothing else to do rn anyway, so --

If you're sure your relationship is worth the effort involved in remodeling yourself, staying together could work out.

I mean, you'd be getting healthy & fit. That's a positive for sure, and you'd have more energy. Bonus for you. I think that high-energy positivity makes a girl even hotter to most guys, it seems like.

If you could get your bf on board & willing to make some positive changes in himself, that would the best way to move forward with it. Try having a serious talk with him, explain what you're going to do for him & ask if he's willing to try changing in some positive way that benefits you both.

No matter what you decide to do, good luck. Do what'll make you happy <3
 
People will probably love to argue, but porn is at least part of the problem, if not THE problem. There is scientific evidence backing how porn addiction or even just frequent viewing influences a man's idea of normal women, normal sex, and warps some of their ideas of a healthy power balance. And I'm not just bagging on men, women are susceptible to this too, society just discourages women from viewing porn as much. I'm a woman, and porn has absolutely made it very difficult to get excited at all about vanilla sex/"making love", so an overly soft or emotional lover is an instant turn off. I'm not entirely against porn, I just hate the silencing of valid information on the damage it can cause in relationships.

OP, talk to your husband about the kind of porn he watches, but not in a negative tone. Ask him what kind of stuff he's into, see where you can find sexual common ground. Chances are, he has fantasies that he could act out with you, but is afraid to ask. I feel like sexual boredom is inevitable in any kind of serious relationship, it's just a matter of handling it correctly, unless a certain couple is simply sexually incompatible. If you're still having sex with some regularity though, you'll most likely be able to work something out, maybe you should even see a sex therapist together.

I feel you, I know what it's like when you want the guy to take over, but sometimes you have to take over for a while and come up with new ideas to get him back into it. If he says it's not you, listen to him. If nothing works, then you may need to dig deeper because it could be more serious. My SO isn't my ideal physical type, but I'm attracted to him in so many other ways that it doesn't matter. Even if you're physically not your husband's "type", well, he married you, so clearly he does want YOU. Looks aren't everything when it comes to sex anyway, look for other ways to add excitement, like toys.
 
treezy z said:
Porn is terrible for men, particularly the male sex drive. if he cut that off you'd wake up with his face in your crotch unless he's just not into you.

Porn is an illuminati program to turn men into weaklings playing with themselves watching other men fuck women.

There's been studies about how bad it is, I don't have any off the top of my head just google it.
Click to expand...

Please tell my boyfriend this :) he doesn't believe me when I say it.
 
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