Saiyahmiya
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 22, 2025
- Messages
- 1
Greetings, Dear Reader.
Here, I present to you an experience of mine that occurred in 2010, which is still as clear as day in my mind even today. I would like to share it for educational and safety purposes, but also just for your introspection. I hope it will also be a good read.
I should quickly mention that I have also tripped on Psilocybe cubensis upwards of ten times (I liked to reserve my trips for when I am absolutely ready and in a relatively healthy state of mind, to fully absorb whatever beautiful truths and realizations materialize, as profoundly as possible). I usually brewed Psilocybe as hot water extracts (teas), but have also partaken of a psilocybin-infused chocolate bar, and ingested the mushroom itself once or twice. I never felt nauseous at all from them, and I quite enjoyed and appreciated the earthy flavour.
I've also smoked Salvia divinorum from 2010 to perhaps 2014, only about five to ten times, but always with less of an effect than what is most usually reported. I must have not been able to hold the smoke in long enough, or something to that effect, as I never had a very intense experience with it.
Well, here goes nothing.
It was early Autumn where I was living, and that crisp, refreshing atmosphere, alight with its colourful leaves falling from the trees, was absolutely intoxicating. I was attending university in this city, and I was really enjoying the excitement of being there. I was working on my second year at university, doing very well in all of my classes up to this point. The character and energy of this city had proven to really bring out my extroverted and energetic side more than ever, which I can still remember and physically feel even to this day. I was constantly out walking the streets and enjoying the scenery practically every moment that I wasn't hitting the books. There was oftentimes bustling pedestrian traffic on the streets in the areas that I frequented. These streets were largely lined with cafes, restaurants, shops, and parks, where many people would sit and contemplate this or that. Some would be having very animated conversations with each other, while others were studiously squinting at laptop screens. I just remember each day feeling more and more like I was tapping into the most enjoyable part of my life, and I wanted to explore who I was and what it all means. I was always an engaged and curious person, enthralled by the mysteries of the universe and life. Even my fashion changed after moving here, to reflect how I felt. I really did feel that I could be my authentic self there, and being gay, this was something that for me was very liberating and exciting. The lack of oppression was like a type of rebirth, I would say. Previously, I had always been very timid and studious, trying to be what my family wanted me to be.
I had been exposed to cannabis the previous year (2009) by a fellow resident at university, but only truly began using it daily about a year after that first exposure. During the time in which the events described below occurred, it had become a near-daily habit for me already. I loved and still do love cannabis, though I've struggled with overuse and abuse for over a decade.
There used to be a store in the southern extremity of the Hipster borough in the city, called "Psychonaut". The owner was well-versed in the provision of entheogenic substances. However, frustratingly, he would only provide what he thought the person was ready for, or so he claimed. I was in fact searching for San Pedro cactus, as I felt a calling to this plant and its medicine at the time.
He immediately told me that he did not have any, but I did see a cactus in the corner of his shop. What I was suggested to try instead will forever leave untold scars on my life. He suggested that I try Hawai'ian Baby Woodrose seeds. I did not purchase these seeds right away that same day; instead I did some reading online, and saw that they contain lysergic acid amide, or LSA. I messaged a friend I had made the previous year while living in 'Res'. He agreed that it should be an interesting experience, so I returned and picked up eight of the seeds for about 10$ Canadian.
A few days later, during the late afternoon around 4:00pm, I had just let my friend R into my apartment. It was just the two of us, and I was sitting with him at my dining table, HBWR seeds out and ready to go. I was making sure to carefully and meticulously peel all of the dark outer coating off of each of the seeds. I remember feeling an intense wave of anticipation, but not in a bad way. I then put the chunky brown seeds (that looked rather interesting and seemed to have an intimidating aura about them) into my small marble mortar and pestle. I pounded and ground them carefully until they were reduced to a fine powder. I did this with four seeds at a time, so that my friend and I each had an "equal" dose (at least of seed powder; concentrations of active ingredients may vary from one seed to the next, of course). Thinking back on this moment, I was foolish to take all four seeds as a first dose. Rookie mistake, indeed.
We then began to eat the seed powder, tentatively at first. It was very bitter in an earthy sort of way (I'm not at all turned off by strange tasting things though; I even enjoy eating bitter melon). After about what seemed like twenty minutes, I began to feel a very heavy, droopy feeling in my body, and the lights in my apartment were suddenly noticeably more intense-seeming. When I glanced at the mirror, I saw that my face looked quite pale and sallow. I distinctly noticed and was intensely disturbed by the realization that my right pupil was noticeably larger than my left pupil (this is in fact always the case with my eyes; it just seemed absolutely wrong and horrifying at that moment for some reason, as if it were grossly amplified). My pupils were also both very dilated, more than I had ever seen them before. I quickly left the bathroom and asked my friend: "Look, do you see this pupil is larger?" At that moment, he was sitting on my sofa, looking off ahead into space, in a daze, but he then abruptly said he had to leave to get home and be alone. I reluctantly said goodbye.
I began to have the sense that the idea of clothing itself was an absolute abomination, and I was starting to feel like it was nothing more than a hindrance to my body. All of a sudden, it simply just felt wrong to have clothing hanging off of my body. I started to feel that my mind was becoming extremely powerful and clear, more sharp and quick than it had ever been before in my life. I promptly removed all of my clothing save for my underwear. I began to engage in some sort of slow, deliberate ecstatic dance in the middle of my living room to no music at all, but then it suddenly became stupidly clear that all light was an assault on my senses. I turned off every single light in my apartment, and closed the blinds completely. I felt as if I was able to move and think much more quickly and intelligently than usual. In spite of this, I got the urge to lay down on the couch, and I opened up my laptop and booted up MSN Messenger (yes, this was 2010, after all). I just felt the need to connect with others, as I did not want in any way to be alone at all. I began to converse with as many friends online as I could at one moment, and I began to see that my hands were in fact very, very much like spiders. Rather than hands typing, my fingers were the legs of spiders and were capable of moving with such unimaginable speed and accuracy. The legs of the spiders' bodies were able to move at lightning speed compared to my usual fingers, and my thoughts were forming at breakneck velocity, and accelerating yet. I could type and converse at what seemed to be a Godly rate to me at that moment. I got the sense that I had become extremely powerful, intelligent, quick, and just much more intense than a human could possibly be. I felt that I was gaining a sort of God-like persona. By now, the light from my laptop was like a lighthouse in an ocean of darkness, and my hands were spiders flailing in front of the light, conveying messages to those on the other side. I was explaining to my closest friends that I was tripping on LSA, from Hawai'ian Baby Woodrose seeds, and how it felt while on LSA. I explained how lysergic acid amide (LSA) is molecularly similar to lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), but that it occurs naturally in some plant species. The glowing of my laptop and the oddly rigid, dashing movements of my spider-leg fingers as I typed in the dark room was just an extension of my consciousness.
Overtime, everyone began signing off of MSN Messenger, to go to bed, as it was now approaching midnight. All of a sudden, when my last friend signed off, however, I began to have an utterly terrific sense of profound dread. The darkness of my bedroom, where I had moved to at some point, was evil. The silence was heartless. I began to feel very thirsty and nauseous at the same time. The dread began to swallow me up.
This is where things took a tragic and bizarre nosedive into Hell.
The crushing sense of loneliness began to take over, and I could start to feel my heart beating uncomfortably fast. I got up, with no lights on, yet I could see everything clearly. What little light that was coming through cracks and crevasses was intense enough in this state for me to see clearly. Now, the nausea and waves of weakness passing through me, and the sense of dread were overcoming me - I went to the bathroom and got so viciously sick to my stomach that I was curling up as I wretched. There, on the floor of the bathroom, I must have stayed for at least an hour, in utter writhing agony. I thought to myself: 'please don't let me die in the bathroom throwing up into the toilet. Please, not like that.' So I found my way to my feet, put on some pyjamas, and tried to have some fruit juice (a tropical blend from a certain brand). At first it tasted as wonderful as always, but to my surprise, the sugar must have triggered some sort of rejection in my body, perhaps caused by the HBWR seeds. I felt a new, even worse wave of nausea expand through me, and I ran back to the washroom where more misery ensued. This was a very persistent, unending nausea, with no end in sight. My heart began racing again, and I looked in the mirror using a very dim orange night light.
What I saw was most terrifying and ghastly to me. I perceived in the mirror that my skin looked at least twenty-years aged (I was 20 at the time), and each scar or bump on it looked so much more ridiculously pronounced. My pupils were extremely dilated, and I had the appearance of a morbid individual. This sent me even more quickly down the mental spiral of doom.
I quickly called one of my good friends, S, who was from the same town as me; we didn't know each other before meeting in this city for university, though. I told her what I had taken, and that something wasn't right, and I needed her to come and check on me to see what she thought. She was extremely kind, and said she would be there as fast as she could.
I feel that this next piece was an actual precipitation of the anxiety disorder that is still with me to this day, that destroyed my long-term relationship with the love of my life, and that has eaten away at me ceaselessly ever since. Only now, I am finding ways to let it go more than before, and to be able to enjoy larger parts of my life. Sudden panics can resurface at any time, though. They usually revolve around health-related catastrophizing. Anyway, I was waiting for my friend, wondering what would happen to me ultimately, with my heart absolutely in tachycardia, when I heard an ambulance or something outside. This city is kind of crazy for how often you hear sirens, whether they are fire trucks, police cars, or ambulances, especially downtown where I was living. I suddenly became even more terrified that my friend might have called an ambulance for me, and that the paramedics would whisk me to the hospital. They would surely call my parents and my university and the police and, and ---- it was suddenly as if something inside my mind shattered --- my heart was simply going to explode. The ambulance was coming, I thought; it was almost here, it had to be. It's all over now. What will I do? Slowly, the ambulance siren faded away as I sat on a chair in the kitchen, trying to calm my heart down, in utter terror. My heart just kept pounding at ungodly speeds.
Some time after this, my friend found her way into my (rather sketchy) building and knocked on my apartment door. Knowing how horrific I looked, wrapped in a blanket, hunched over in nausea and all sallow and whatnot, I slowly opened the door. She did indeed seem shocked to see how dark my apartment was, and how out of sorts and terrified I was. She intelligently opted to calm me down, and sit with me in my living room as I threw up projectile-style into a bucket, and waited until things slowly abated. She truly is a sweet person, with a kind soul. I felt like I could really count on her. Without her, I'm not sure how much worse this could have become.
Things eventually calmed down, and I eventually stopped retching. She headed out, and I went straight to bed and slept for about seven or eight hours. I was still somewhat nauseous and week when I woke up the next day, and was certainly out of commission for the whole day. I felt the lingering sense of anxiety, but much less, and I was happy that the LSA seemed to be wearing off.
While my body recovered just fine over the days, my mind is left with the remaining effect of this anxiety. Other terrible things then also happened over the next few months, which surely solidified this anxiety into my psyche. But I am certain that these seeds were the precipitant for what I believe to be a type of psychosis around body anxiety, where I become unable to tell what is really a dangerous ailment and what is not, and what is potentially threatening versus what isn't.
If you have a family history of anxiety, I would stay away from these seeds. Pay close attention to your family and learn your origins and tolerances.
I still can persist in life; I keep a full-time job, I have my own car and apartment, and I have hobbies I love and enjoy. But, I wonder what I could have become without precipitating this anxiety? Will I ever be able to really get past it? It's been fourteen and a half years. Would it have happened at a later time in my life otherwise? I realize I was perhaps just unlucky, as everyone else around me who tried these seeds was just fine. I wanted to become learned in the ways of Shamanistic practices surrounding plants and fungi, but this unfortunately was a damaging trip for me.
I do hope that after reading this, you might take more caution in your choices; learn as much about yourself as you can, and ensure that you will not be alone or in any compromising situation before tripping. You really must ensure a comforting, safe, happy environment before engaging with potent mind-altering substances.
To what extent did my cannabis habit effect the progression of this anxiety? I don't know, but I did use high-THC illegal cannabis for many years (it became legalized and regulated here around seven years ago now). I indulged in the Volcano vaporizer, and would get simply blasted out of my skull with weed, greening out from time to time, from 2013 until 2023, when I began truly reducing my use and finding wonderful things about stopping, such as the return of meaningful, vivid dreams. Dreams have always been a spiritual gateway for me; my goal is to gain full dream lucidity.
Thankfully, I had discovered psilocybin in 2012, two years later, and had my first truly wonderful psychedelic experience - the first of several, always wonderful, psilocybin trips. So, I'm glad to say that my relationship to psychedelics (in the form of Psilocybe) was restored to a glorious state.
Here, I present to you an experience of mine that occurred in 2010, which is still as clear as day in my mind even today. I would like to share it for educational and safety purposes, but also just for your introspection. I hope it will also be a good read.
I should quickly mention that I have also tripped on Psilocybe cubensis upwards of ten times (I liked to reserve my trips for when I am absolutely ready and in a relatively healthy state of mind, to fully absorb whatever beautiful truths and realizations materialize, as profoundly as possible). I usually brewed Psilocybe as hot water extracts (teas), but have also partaken of a psilocybin-infused chocolate bar, and ingested the mushroom itself once or twice. I never felt nauseous at all from them, and I quite enjoyed and appreciated the earthy flavour.
I've also smoked Salvia divinorum from 2010 to perhaps 2014, only about five to ten times, but always with less of an effect than what is most usually reported. I must have not been able to hold the smoke in long enough, or something to that effect, as I never had a very intense experience with it.
Well, here goes nothing.
It was early Autumn where I was living, and that crisp, refreshing atmosphere, alight with its colourful leaves falling from the trees, was absolutely intoxicating. I was attending university in this city, and I was really enjoying the excitement of being there. I was working on my second year at university, doing very well in all of my classes up to this point. The character and energy of this city had proven to really bring out my extroverted and energetic side more than ever, which I can still remember and physically feel even to this day. I was constantly out walking the streets and enjoying the scenery practically every moment that I wasn't hitting the books. There was oftentimes bustling pedestrian traffic on the streets in the areas that I frequented. These streets were largely lined with cafes, restaurants, shops, and parks, where many people would sit and contemplate this or that. Some would be having very animated conversations with each other, while others were studiously squinting at laptop screens. I just remember each day feeling more and more like I was tapping into the most enjoyable part of my life, and I wanted to explore who I was and what it all means. I was always an engaged and curious person, enthralled by the mysteries of the universe and life. Even my fashion changed after moving here, to reflect how I felt. I really did feel that I could be my authentic self there, and being gay, this was something that for me was very liberating and exciting. The lack of oppression was like a type of rebirth, I would say. Previously, I had always been very timid and studious, trying to be what my family wanted me to be.
I had been exposed to cannabis the previous year (2009) by a fellow resident at university, but only truly began using it daily about a year after that first exposure. During the time in which the events described below occurred, it had become a near-daily habit for me already. I loved and still do love cannabis, though I've struggled with overuse and abuse for over a decade.
There used to be a store in the southern extremity of the Hipster borough in the city, called "Psychonaut". The owner was well-versed in the provision of entheogenic substances. However, frustratingly, he would only provide what he thought the person was ready for, or so he claimed. I was in fact searching for San Pedro cactus, as I felt a calling to this plant and its medicine at the time.
He immediately told me that he did not have any, but I did see a cactus in the corner of his shop. What I was suggested to try instead will forever leave untold scars on my life. He suggested that I try Hawai'ian Baby Woodrose seeds. I did not purchase these seeds right away that same day; instead I did some reading online, and saw that they contain lysergic acid amide, or LSA. I messaged a friend I had made the previous year while living in 'Res'. He agreed that it should be an interesting experience, so I returned and picked up eight of the seeds for about 10$ Canadian.
A few days later, during the late afternoon around 4:00pm, I had just let my friend R into my apartment. It was just the two of us, and I was sitting with him at my dining table, HBWR seeds out and ready to go. I was making sure to carefully and meticulously peel all of the dark outer coating off of each of the seeds. I remember feeling an intense wave of anticipation, but not in a bad way. I then put the chunky brown seeds (that looked rather interesting and seemed to have an intimidating aura about them) into my small marble mortar and pestle. I pounded and ground them carefully until they were reduced to a fine powder. I did this with four seeds at a time, so that my friend and I each had an "equal" dose (at least of seed powder; concentrations of active ingredients may vary from one seed to the next, of course). Thinking back on this moment, I was foolish to take all four seeds as a first dose. Rookie mistake, indeed.
We then began to eat the seed powder, tentatively at first. It was very bitter in an earthy sort of way (I'm not at all turned off by strange tasting things though; I even enjoy eating bitter melon). After about what seemed like twenty minutes, I began to feel a very heavy, droopy feeling in my body, and the lights in my apartment were suddenly noticeably more intense-seeming. When I glanced at the mirror, I saw that my face looked quite pale and sallow. I distinctly noticed and was intensely disturbed by the realization that my right pupil was noticeably larger than my left pupil (this is in fact always the case with my eyes; it just seemed absolutely wrong and horrifying at that moment for some reason, as if it were grossly amplified). My pupils were also both very dilated, more than I had ever seen them before. I quickly left the bathroom and asked my friend: "Look, do you see this pupil is larger?" At that moment, he was sitting on my sofa, looking off ahead into space, in a daze, but he then abruptly said he had to leave to get home and be alone. I reluctantly said goodbye.
I began to have the sense that the idea of clothing itself was an absolute abomination, and I was starting to feel like it was nothing more than a hindrance to my body. All of a sudden, it simply just felt wrong to have clothing hanging off of my body. I started to feel that my mind was becoming extremely powerful and clear, more sharp and quick than it had ever been before in my life. I promptly removed all of my clothing save for my underwear. I began to engage in some sort of slow, deliberate ecstatic dance in the middle of my living room to no music at all, but then it suddenly became stupidly clear that all light was an assault on my senses. I turned off every single light in my apartment, and closed the blinds completely. I felt as if I was able to move and think much more quickly and intelligently than usual. In spite of this, I got the urge to lay down on the couch, and I opened up my laptop and booted up MSN Messenger (yes, this was 2010, after all). I just felt the need to connect with others, as I did not want in any way to be alone at all. I began to converse with as many friends online as I could at one moment, and I began to see that my hands were in fact very, very much like spiders. Rather than hands typing, my fingers were the legs of spiders and were capable of moving with such unimaginable speed and accuracy. The legs of the spiders' bodies were able to move at lightning speed compared to my usual fingers, and my thoughts were forming at breakneck velocity, and accelerating yet. I could type and converse at what seemed to be a Godly rate to me at that moment. I got the sense that I had become extremely powerful, intelligent, quick, and just much more intense than a human could possibly be. I felt that I was gaining a sort of God-like persona. By now, the light from my laptop was like a lighthouse in an ocean of darkness, and my hands were spiders flailing in front of the light, conveying messages to those on the other side. I was explaining to my closest friends that I was tripping on LSA, from Hawai'ian Baby Woodrose seeds, and how it felt while on LSA. I explained how lysergic acid amide (LSA) is molecularly similar to lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), but that it occurs naturally in some plant species. The glowing of my laptop and the oddly rigid, dashing movements of my spider-leg fingers as I typed in the dark room was just an extension of my consciousness.
Overtime, everyone began signing off of MSN Messenger, to go to bed, as it was now approaching midnight. All of a sudden, when my last friend signed off, however, I began to have an utterly terrific sense of profound dread. The darkness of my bedroom, where I had moved to at some point, was evil. The silence was heartless. I began to feel very thirsty and nauseous at the same time. The dread began to swallow me up.
This is where things took a tragic and bizarre nosedive into Hell.
The crushing sense of loneliness began to take over, and I could start to feel my heart beating uncomfortably fast. I got up, with no lights on, yet I could see everything clearly. What little light that was coming through cracks and crevasses was intense enough in this state for me to see clearly. Now, the nausea and waves of weakness passing through me, and the sense of dread were overcoming me - I went to the bathroom and got so viciously sick to my stomach that I was curling up as I wretched. There, on the floor of the bathroom, I must have stayed for at least an hour, in utter writhing agony. I thought to myself: 'please don't let me die in the bathroom throwing up into the toilet. Please, not like that.' So I found my way to my feet, put on some pyjamas, and tried to have some fruit juice (a tropical blend from a certain brand). At first it tasted as wonderful as always, but to my surprise, the sugar must have triggered some sort of rejection in my body, perhaps caused by the HBWR seeds. I felt a new, even worse wave of nausea expand through me, and I ran back to the washroom where more misery ensued. This was a very persistent, unending nausea, with no end in sight. My heart began racing again, and I looked in the mirror using a very dim orange night light.
What I saw was most terrifying and ghastly to me. I perceived in the mirror that my skin looked at least twenty-years aged (I was 20 at the time), and each scar or bump on it looked so much more ridiculously pronounced. My pupils were extremely dilated, and I had the appearance of a morbid individual. This sent me even more quickly down the mental spiral of doom.
I quickly called one of my good friends, S, who was from the same town as me; we didn't know each other before meeting in this city for university, though. I told her what I had taken, and that something wasn't right, and I needed her to come and check on me to see what she thought. She was extremely kind, and said she would be there as fast as she could.
I feel that this next piece was an actual precipitation of the anxiety disorder that is still with me to this day, that destroyed my long-term relationship with the love of my life, and that has eaten away at me ceaselessly ever since. Only now, I am finding ways to let it go more than before, and to be able to enjoy larger parts of my life. Sudden panics can resurface at any time, though. They usually revolve around health-related catastrophizing. Anyway, I was waiting for my friend, wondering what would happen to me ultimately, with my heart absolutely in tachycardia, when I heard an ambulance or something outside. This city is kind of crazy for how often you hear sirens, whether they are fire trucks, police cars, or ambulances, especially downtown where I was living. I suddenly became even more terrified that my friend might have called an ambulance for me, and that the paramedics would whisk me to the hospital. They would surely call my parents and my university and the police and, and ---- it was suddenly as if something inside my mind shattered --- my heart was simply going to explode. The ambulance was coming, I thought; it was almost here, it had to be. It's all over now. What will I do? Slowly, the ambulance siren faded away as I sat on a chair in the kitchen, trying to calm my heart down, in utter terror. My heart just kept pounding at ungodly speeds.
Some time after this, my friend found her way into my (rather sketchy) building and knocked on my apartment door. Knowing how horrific I looked, wrapped in a blanket, hunched over in nausea and all sallow and whatnot, I slowly opened the door. She did indeed seem shocked to see how dark my apartment was, and how out of sorts and terrified I was. She intelligently opted to calm me down, and sit with me in my living room as I threw up projectile-style into a bucket, and waited until things slowly abated. She truly is a sweet person, with a kind soul. I felt like I could really count on her. Without her, I'm not sure how much worse this could have become.
Things eventually calmed down, and I eventually stopped retching. She headed out, and I went straight to bed and slept for about seven or eight hours. I was still somewhat nauseous and week when I woke up the next day, and was certainly out of commission for the whole day. I felt the lingering sense of anxiety, but much less, and I was happy that the LSA seemed to be wearing off.
While my body recovered just fine over the days, my mind is left with the remaining effect of this anxiety. Other terrible things then also happened over the next few months, which surely solidified this anxiety into my psyche. But I am certain that these seeds were the precipitant for what I believe to be a type of psychosis around body anxiety, where I become unable to tell what is really a dangerous ailment and what is not, and what is potentially threatening versus what isn't.
If you have a family history of anxiety, I would stay away from these seeds. Pay close attention to your family and learn your origins and tolerances.
I still can persist in life; I keep a full-time job, I have my own car and apartment, and I have hobbies I love and enjoy. But, I wonder what I could have become without precipitating this anxiety? Will I ever be able to really get past it? It's been fourteen and a half years. Would it have happened at a later time in my life otherwise? I realize I was perhaps just unlucky, as everyone else around me who tried these seeds was just fine. I wanted to become learned in the ways of Shamanistic practices surrounding plants and fungi, but this unfortunately was a damaging trip for me.
I do hope that after reading this, you might take more caution in your choices; learn as much about yourself as you can, and ensure that you will not be alone or in any compromising situation before tripping. You really must ensure a comforting, safe, happy environment before engaging with potent mind-altering substances.
To what extent did my cannabis habit effect the progression of this anxiety? I don't know, but I did use high-THC illegal cannabis for many years (it became legalized and regulated here around seven years ago now). I indulged in the Volcano vaporizer, and would get simply blasted out of my skull with weed, greening out from time to time, from 2013 until 2023, when I began truly reducing my use and finding wonderful things about stopping, such as the return of meaningful, vivid dreams. Dreams have always been a spiritual gateway for me; my goal is to gain full dream lucidity.
Thankfully, I had discovered psilocybin in 2012, two years later, and had my first truly wonderful psychedelic experience - the first of several, always wonderful, psilocybin trips. So, I'm glad to say that my relationship to psychedelics (in the form of Psilocybe) was restored to a glorious state.
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