Have I lost something of myself?

[quantumtheory]

Good day all.

New here, although been hanging around for a long, long time for research purposes..

I'm a 41 year old male and have taken just about every "normal drug" that exists, as well as my fair share of RC's. I've been using since 15 years old. Hopefully that give a demonstration of my experience. That said, I've recently encountered an odd phenomenon.

I cleaned up from H back in 2004 and have stayed away from it since then. I'm a druggie at heart and find it hard to see life without using one substance or another as long as i live.

My question tonight is revolves around the fact that I have been fluttering with H again, VERY controlled so far, although I realise I'm playing with fire. My use so far has been restricted to a couple of 0.25 grams smoked on a once weekly occasion, and IV 0.125 g in two shots once.

What I cant explain is that when I use it and for days after I feel more like the old me that I have ever felt, outgoing, driven, and my performance at work far exceeds when I am straight. I feel like the me I use to be before I ever started using and I love it. Ridiculous as it sounds I feel like I want to keep using to keep a hold of that. I don't need lecture's on the ridiculous of that statement - i know the dangers - however that is how I feel!

Do you think that 10 years of H abuse has caused me to stop being this individual and a shadow of my former self - or am I being convinced that the way the drug makes me feel i how i used to be? I have a hard time believing this but this may be the allure that lady H has....

Thanks for listening...

 

[strity1994]

Drugs open u up to new dimensions. It's not the real u, its the enhanced u

 

[quantumtheory]

Just wondering if i did so much damage during my years of H abuse - that the only thing that really takes me back to being that person - that outgoing, extrovert, friendly driven person, that I was pre-drugs, is by using H again - after all these years. Even though it's been 12 years clean of it, taking it again makes me feel like i did pre-ANY-drugs...

 

[strity1994]

Just wondering if i did so much damage during my years of H abuse - that the only thing that really takes me back to being that person - that outgoing, extrovert, friendly driven person, is by using H again - after all these years. Even though it's been 12 years clean of it, taking it again makes me feel like i did pre-ANY-drugs...

The millions of ppl who did drugs can say the exact same thing.. my natural me ia intro but on drugs I feel extrovert.. what does this tell u? It's not u, everyone has the same effect dude. It's the drugs.

 

[quantumtheory]

The millions of ppl who did drugs can say the exact same thing.. my natural me ia intro but on drugs I feel extrovert.. what does this tell u? It's not u, everyone has the same effect dude. It's the drugs.

I totally get your point bud - however I would have thought that after 12 years being clean - that I would have felt some sort of connection to the person I used to be. Sure I'm happy to a degree, and life with out drugs is successful, but I wholeheartedly believed that after being clean for a long period of time - that I'd get back to that person. Clearly this is not the case.

Decision now is whether to continue to play with fire - and of course I know where that leads - or to go back to that dreary existence that always feels lacking....

 

[Moreaux]

Quantumtheory - you situation is actually something I am presently studying - the long term effects of dug use and whether or not it's possible to get back to baseline. I'm right there with you - I've been sober for a couple years and honestly my personality is just crap sober. I've been trying to train myself to be more personable. I will respond back later tonight with specific info regarding neurological recovery and also about learning to be more fun and lighthearted sober.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

You guys actually have accurate recollections of what your personalities were like pre-drug use?

OP, you said you've been doing drugs since age 15. Are you actually trying to revert back to where you were at age 14?

I've only used drugs for the past 10 years (17-27) and my memories of how I was pre-drugs are, how shall we say, "foggy". But, if anything, I was way more reserved and introverted than I am today...if anything drug use turned me into more of an extrovert. I've been (mostly) sober for 4 months now, no more H, and I have good days and bad days, but that's life as far as I'm concerned...of course you can make everything awesome with heroin (at least in the short-term), there's no mystery to that, on that point I agree with strity... but that's not the kind of life I want to lead. The extroversion that drug use brought on actually seems to persist for me even into sobriety, but I credit that with 1) use of psychedelic drugs, and 2) generally just getting older and giving less of a shit.

 

[Sobrietysucks]

I found that when I used alcohol + Xanax, I felt most like myself. I could be myself without the anxiety. It was awesome. Now I am a lot more quiet and mature, but as I've grown into an old bastard I give less of a shit about myself. I'm fat hairy and not so dashing.

In other words,
As a young kid= outgoing (acting silly not giving a fuck)
Pre-drugs = reserved (learning social norms)
Drugs = outgoing (brings out the kid in us, live in the present mindset)
Post drugs = reserved (maturity)

 

[Pilll_head]

I totally get your point bud - however I would have thought that after 12 years being clean - that I would have felt some sort of connection to the person I used to be. Sure I'm happy to a degree, and life with out drugs is successful, but I wholeheartedly believed that after being clean for a long period of time - that I'd get back to that person. Clearly this is not the case.

Decision now is whether to continue to play with fire - and of course I know where that leads - or to go back to that dreary existence that always feels lacking....

I can totally relate. I am more or less a druggie at heart but that part of me is having an existential crisis right now because it seems like lots of illicit-sourced drugs are getting laced with fentanyl right now. Not sure if I want to play Russian roulette with this stuff or not. I think I'm going to take a break but I'll change my mind tomorrow and then change it back again by Monday.

 

[Nixiam]

Yea dude wtf is up with that anyway? People are dying (in a literal sense) over fent.

Quantumtheory, life and your personality can seem mundane when not on drugs, especially having played with Lady H like yourself.

I'm fifteen, and I am QUITE reserved.

More than likely, the tomfoolery with that opiate has got you thinking you are now less than you were.

If that's the case, you need to look deep inside yourself. Like, really deep.

At times, we all just want to be that little kid who's astonished and gush with happiness when they see the city lights blur together in the rain, their father driving them to and from different places on the weekend nights because he knows that the kid's have to go back to their mom after a couple of days.

We all want to be blissfully content with everything, sometimes.

____

I doubt HIGHLY that you suffered any brain damage, so don't worry about that. If anything, you could maybe possibly slim chancely be slightly depersonalized.

 

[quantumtheory]

Quantumtheory - you situation is actually something I am presently studying - the long term effects of dug use and whether or not it's possible to get back to baseline. I'm right there with you - I've been sober for a couple years and honestly my personality is just crap sober. I've been trying to train myself to be more personable. I will respond back later tonight with specific info regarding neurological recovery and also about learning to be more fun and lighthearted sober.

This sounds really interesting and would appreciate the input.

 

[quantumtheory]

You guys actually have accurate recollections of what your personalities were like pre-drug use?

OP, you said you've been doing drugs since age 15. Are you actually trying to revert back to where you were at age 14?

No it's not about memories or recollections tbh - it's more emotional and about the feelings, I don't want to revert back to how I was, and I certainly have no regrets but for someone that has had huge amounts of clean time, as well as someone that has had years binging, there are certain aspects of me that I only seem to recover after long periods of clean time, by using again. I hope this makes sense. Take now for example - I haven't dabbled with H for 12 years and having been an addict for 12 years previously I'm more than aware of it's dangers, but at this early stage (pre-addiction, using twice a week perhaps, with three days in between) - I'm really finding some parts of myself that I like, and that I know I used to have way back before the 12 year addiction. Examples include - tolerance with people and things, a willingness to participate, focus and drive, i'm more caring, more interested, I could go on. I should add that this is not just for the three hours after having a smoke - but for the following days too...

This is probably the most ridiculous statement an ex-heroin addict can make - but I wish I could just keep to twice a week - because my life has improved through it. Of course - I KNOW I can't and soon I need to make the decision, stop or become addicted again...

 

[MrRoot]

I found that when I used alcohol + Xanax, I felt most like myself. I could be myself without the anxiety. It was awesome. Now I am a lot more quiet and mature, but as I've grown into an old bastard I give less of a shit about myself. I'm fat hairy and not so dashing.

In other words,
As a young kid= outgoing (acting silly not giving a fuck)
Pre-drugs = reserved (learning social norms)
Drugs = outgoing (brings out the kid in us, live in the present mindset)
Post drugs = reserved (maturity)

You are not mature at all when you post nonsense all over the board. Check out that guys other posts. They are just plain nonsense and humiliate people with real issues in mental health section in this forum.