Haunted by Desire

[denovo]

It’s been a over a decade since I discovered how to elicit my own dopamine response. What once was fun and novel is now something that has literally torn me in two and pitted the one part of me against the other. It’s been over 10 years and I am still tormented by the longing for it and made spiritually desolate when I partake of it. I have found myself split in two: I have sober me, whom I have worked on and given space to grow; and I have the dark side of me, who hungers and feasts and is never satisfied.
Will I always desire it? Will it ever leave me? I long to get to that place where I want my life more than I want the feast.
How long did it take you to stop thinking about it daily? How long did it take you to find more joy in being sober than in feeding the lust?
Addiction is addiction and is different for everyone in duration, severity and physical/ emotional price.

 

[Mental Kenny]

I'm on bupre, been on and off it since 2015, it's free of charge here. I relapsed badly in 2017, pissed dirty every single week as my doctor only checked my urine results once every few months even though back then I was on weekly pick up.

In this country, they don't care about THC or even MDMA and other uppers, they only care about morphine and 6-MAM however due to the clinic being state owned most doctors don't give a damn. In 2017 I pissed clean only two weeks in the whole year.

If you have a job, given that by law the clinic cannot interfere with your job and actually have a duty to try and make you employable and are not allowed to do anything that might make you lose your job, if you have one, the most they can do is make you talk to some therapist once a week and not allow monthly pick up.

Now I pick up once every two weeks, 14 X 8mg generic bupre, 28 X 2 mg also generic bupre and 42 X 2.5 mg Lorazepam tablets (Lorans or Tavor brand, here we have 1mg and 2.5 lorazepam tablets). Daily I'm given 12 mgs of bupre and 7.5 mgs of lorazepam, which might seem high but over here they overprescribe benzos as if they were candy.

Now I'm stable haven't relapsed since June when we won the Euros, these days I only think about smack maybe once a week if that.

Sometimes I find myself not missing at all and I'm just grateful for the bupre, as I said I last relapsed in June or early July. For the game against Spain and the final against England.

A couple of years ago it was a constant thought, hard to resist since there's two open air skag central markets one within a 15 minute walk from my office. The other a ten minute drive.

Every lunch break was a struggle, I have an hour lunchbreak obviously, so I could go score and then be back at the office before the rest of the crew. I could do bumps at my desk, also cause the other employees have to ring in to be allowed in and the boss is mostly golfing in the afternoon.

Every week I think less and less about it, on the weekends I distract myself with ketamine analogues and LSD (these days mostly 1P and 1cp-lsd).

I am not clean so I cannot really answer, but for me, the opioid world started with Kratom, used daily from 2007 until 2015, although in 2011 I worked six months in the States, in NY, and I developed a taste for pharmas (oxy, hydrocodone, anything I could get really).

Then once back in pizza land I had to triple my Kratom intake to the point that smack was a better deal.

90 grams of Red Borneo cost me more daily than a few 5 € bags of #4, of course it's a Russian roulette as sometimes it's genuine, sometimes it's a mix of the real deal and fent, 50 % of the times it's just fent unless you pay more.

I practice Kendo and I golf two or three times a week. I take long walks in the woods behind my house on the hills. I only smoke CBD only weed as the normal puts me in a worst state of mind than a four day speed binge where on the fourth day you end up dropping acid after days of sleep deprivation and (meth)amphetamines.

Nothing makes me as paranoid and anxious as weed.

With CBD weed I can enjoy my script, especially if I smoke a CBG strain, cannabigerol boosts my benzos and I think I read somewhere it increases their half life or reduced expulsion from the body. The CBG strain I use is called Snow White but in mafia, mandolin and pasta language, I don't want to out the vendor even though it''s perfectly legal.

But he's the only one with that strain, for once the name is actually spot on as it's fully covered in CBG crystals.

Take one day at a time, at one point we were thinking about it all day, then once a week, then just on occasions. I'm sure at some point you will stop thinking about it, especially if you change environment, circle of friends, start some hobbies, could be just taking long walks outside of town while enjoying nature. Maybe bring a couple of pre-rolled CBD joints, no paranoia, just mild relaxation.

Have you ever tried Wild Dagga, great to chew, it grows amazingly well even in Western Europe, but in winter you take them inside or they'll die.

They make beautiful flowers, good mood booster, I only ever chew the leaves and make tea with the flowers. I don't get the comparisons with ganja, for me it's a tonic, not a stimulant but good for mood plus you'll be proud of having made such a beautiful plant. Wild Dagga and Klip Dagga.

They should be legal in most places and the seeds are legal everywhere, the plant does not look suspicious either just beautiful.

Gardening, walks, hiking, sports if that's your cup of tea, all help a lot. Idleness is relapsing for me.

The more I keep myself occupied the less time I think about smack or synth uppers, one of my other major weaknesses.

Good luck brother.

Take care

 

[Nas47]

It’s been a over a decade since I discovered how to elicit my own dopamine response. What once was fun and novel is now something that has literally torn me in two and pitted the one part of me against the other. It’s been over 10 years and I am still tormented by the longing for it and made spiritually desolate when I partake of it. I have found myself split in two: I have sober me, whom I have worked on and given space to grow; and I have the dark side of me, who hungers and feasts and is never satisfied.
Will I always desire it? Will it ever leave me? I long to get to that place where I want my life more than I want the feast.
How long did it take you to stop thinking about it daily? How long did it take you to find more joy in being sober than in feeding the lust?
Addiction is addiction and is different for everyone in duration, severity and physical/ emotional price.

Well it depends on so many factors.Personaly for me and for opiates/opioids at least three months after quitting fully my mind starts to healing.Some say from 6 months to a year is enough time for brain to healing.Thats why more of the rehab programs are over 8 months long.For meth especially i think you need a lot more time

 

[Jabberwocky]

you won't always desire it, but it will probably haunt you forever.

i've been clean off heroin for 3 years bar a couple of lapses and am still pretty obsessed with it, but less and less so. the lapses actually helped me to stop wanting it because they just didn't do what i wanted them to. i knew it was over for me.

it took a surprisingly short time for my life to be more joyful without drugs. cos i was smoking a ridiculous amount of crack my dopamine system was well and truly fucked. i was completely joyless, i couldn't laugh. i was so angry in rehab seeing people around me laughing like their lives were just as fucked as mine so how could they have something to laugh about? then one day i caught myself laughing and from that point my life was pretty much better than it had been using. it was very up and down but tbh it doesn't take much to be an improvement on prostituting yourself for crack which is the situation i was in.

it will leave you. but its hard work. you need to use every resource available to help you in recovery.

 

[Kellsee]

The title of this thread basically sums up my entire existence. I've never done any heroin. I don't believe I ever would have if that had been the way opiates we're introduced to me. I hate all the shaming that comes along with the stigma that's attached to drugs tho. I've seen much worse behaviors from people considered to be straight successful role models. But as it turns out denial is not just for the addict. They just don't realize it yet and may not ever because the entire world seems to be in on this deception.

I do know exactly what it's like to be haunted by these desires tho....to have every fiber of your being yearning for the posion that's trying to kill you...while having to live in a world that labels you with a word that automatically dissolves your integrity and where everyone can chose to perceive you as a criminal. Everyones always thinks you are still just trying to get high. Nah. Just trying to function.

I was born with a medical defect that required multiple surgeries that had me under the influence of oxycodone basically the entire time of my adolescent development. This was during the 80's. We were taught all about how to "just say no" to drugs but no one ever mentioned prescription pain medicine back then. I was 19 years old the day I found out that I was a drug addict. I heard Johnny Woods on the tv playing from the living room. I was curling my hair. He said "research has now suggested a huge potential for addiction associated with any prescription pain medication containing opiates". My very next thought was about how alarmed I had gotten the night before when I seen that I just had two pills left in my bottle. I couldn't understand why that had upset me so much. Now I knew.

So in some sense I feel like someone had been putting heroin in my mashed taters the entire time I was growing up but forgot to tell me.

But I wanna make it clear that regardless of how you got this terrible monkey riding on your back it's still the same. Addiction never introduces itself to anyone. No one gets a choice. That's it's biggest ploy.

 

[Mental Kenny]

For meth especially i think you need a lot more time

I have used mdpv and alpha-pvp for years during the week while I was working, I once wrote an entire project proposal by myself, my boss asked me how I could be so productive, well mdpv capsules in the morning then chased off foil in my car on lunchbreaks. It was a development project to provide one of Rwanda's many slums with clean water and create a sewage system.

Before that I used to Mdma and acid/shrooms followed by ketamine. Every single weekend I spent living in London, studied five years of uni up in the UK.

I have suffered from Anedonia (is that how you call it?) The complete inability to feel pleasure in normal activities, can't watch a film, a tv serie, a walk, followed by drinks and a shag with a girl. For years and years. Nothing apart from substances gave me pleasure

 

[Kellsee]

I've always had problems with staying motivated in order to complete any task without constant stimulation. I can remember as a little girl feeling frustrated because I could never completely follow through with anything long enough to accomplish anything. I actually would have the best ideas and anything I did focus on I was brilliant with it. This just eluded others to assume I had all this potential but was just lazy tho. Hell I can't sit still and always got stuff to do. I've never been lazy. But I eventually started developing anxiety over just the anticipation of expected responsibilities. It's been hard to get others to understand this. During my school years I had to go to the bathroom several times during each class just to break up the monotony. This can affect every aspect of your life. Now sometimes just the obligation of pursing a conversation if I answer the phone stresses me out. I will procrastinate forever about anything I know I need to be prepared to do before hand. If I was told that I had to spend 8 hours a day for the next 5 days doing the same thing I'd torture myself and probably sabatoge my entire life into complete destruction somehow. It's scary as hell not to be able to depend on yourself anymore than this. But I do recognize that this was the problem opiates fixed for me. It was the magic click that made my life all make sense and possible. It just really sucks that it makes you a junkie and has the potential for prison time. FML

 

[Kellsee]

I have suffered from Anedonia (is that how you call it?) The complete inability to feel pleasure in normal activities, can't watch a film, a tv serie, a walk, followed by drinks and a shag with a girl. For years and years. Nothing apart from substances gave me pleasure

Oh my goodness same same same

Anhedonia has been the worst part of the damage that long term opiate abuse has caused for me! I know it because of how I've severely damaged the receive/reward circuitry of my brain. My dopamine receptors don't know whether they are coming or going or what the hell to do. I've been being as proactive as possible to repair what I can. I take several supplements...N-acetyl-L-tyrosine, b complex, etc. I practice meditation and gratification..and masturbation lmao.

I meant gratitude but messed up and just rolled with it lol

 

[Nas47]

I have used mdpv and alpha-pvp for years during the week while I was working, I once wrote an entire project proposal by myself, my boss asked me how I could be so productive, well mdpv capsules in the morning then chased off foil in my car on lunchbreaks. It was a development project to provide one of Rwanda's many slums with clean water and create a sewage system.

Before that I used to Mdma and acid/shrooms followed by ketamine. Every single weekend I spent living in London, studied five years of uni up in the UK.

I have suffered from Anedonia (is that how you call it?) The complete inability to feel pleasure in normal activities, can't watch a film, a tv serie, a walk, followed by drinks and a shag with a girl. For years and years. Nothing apart from substances gave me pleasure

Yes some people being on uppers can be a way more productive.This mdpv is that kind a pyrovaleron?Speed some kind?Rc...its very interesting about your projest about Ruwanda slums.Yes Anhedonia is anabilty to have pleasure from normal activities.Dystonia is heavy form of depression

 

[Nas47]

Yes some people being on uppers can be a way more productive.This mdpv is that kind a pyrovaleron?Speed some kind?Rc...its very interesting about your projest about Ruwanda slums.Yes Anhedonia is anabilty to have pleasure from normal activities.Dystonia is heavy form of depression

Error.Dysthimia

 

[Mental Kenny]

Yes some people being on uppers can be a way more productive.This mdpv is that kind a pyrovaleron?Speed some kind?Rc...its very interesting about your projest about Ruwanda slums.Yes Anhedonia is anabilty to have pleasure from normal activities.Dystonia is heavy form of depression

Mdpv, alpha-pvp, Alpha-PHP are all in the category you mentioned, they are cathinones of the pyrovaleron type.

They are extremely potent, I mean before I tried MDPV I had done tons of speed, a lot of coke, and other RC stimulants like halogenated (meth)amphetamines like 4-FA (very serotonergic, euphoric, great for studying or work, also very recreational, 3-FMA (extremely good, more serotonergic than meth), 2-FA (exactly like amphetamine but better than what gets sold as speed by dealers), mephedrone, methylone, butylone (very similar to speed), 3-MMC (mephedrone's little brother).

However nothing had prepared me for MDPV.

It's beyond all comprehension, it's amazingly moreish, it will make you its bitch in no time.

I foolishly started vaping it and from then on it was constant use, I would go on five day binges.

Could not eat so I would drink those meal replacement cans, gym supplements, multivitamins. At the time I was a assistant project officer working at a UN Agency, which I won't name, but it's the UN agency that deals with labor issues, stakeholder empowerment, training courses, anything from training courses for female entrepreneurs in the West Bank in Palestine to drafting dev projects, obviously our focus would be on the labor issues around them.

For instance with the Rwanda project our main objective was trying to prevent the Chinese, who have bought 90% of Africa, to poison the project.

Any money the UN gives has strings attached, you want money well then you have to abolish the death penalty for homosexuality, you have to stop shooting unarmed protesters, you have to respect women's rights, well human rights in general. The Chinese undercut the UN all the time, as they bribe the entire government, which in turn shuts up the media and persecutes civil society.

I don't remember when or where specifically it happened, as I was working myself to death at that time, thinking MDPV could turn me like in the film Limitless.

There was a tunnel collapse in a mine managed by the Chinese, they don't actually buy the mines, they just make the local governments grant them exclusive mining rights for 70 years or 50 years, they know exactly when it will be fully exploited.

Anyway something like 200 African miners died in the collapse. The Chinese company had promised to pay the families of the deceased 1000 dollars, which is already a pittance.

However given so many died they did not honour their pledge and only gave like 40 US dollars per dead man. The families protested and the Chinese Private Military Company that was tasked with security just opened fire, with live rounds and killed dozens of women, young men and children.

The media in that country did not report about it, the locals found out from foreign media. That's how tight China's hold is in Africa. Journalists who tried to speak about it disappeared or were threatened. Some were found charred, burned to death.

Luckily our project was approved, when my former boss found out that what he called "your project", given I had worked more than the entire department put together had been approved, he sent me an email all euphoric. By then I was working in NY at the UN headquarters on a G3 Diplomatic Visa. The project was worth 8 million US dollars, which might seem like a lot but it's nothing compared to what the Chinese spend in Africa.

They also build infrastructure but it's for their sake, they need roads to get trucks full of minerals from the mines to the port, that's why they also build the port, the airport, a new palace for the country's dictator and a brand new football stadium for the commoners. You know bread and circus. If the Chinese had won the tender, obviously through shameless bribery, they would have brought at least 50% of the workforce from China as they don't trust the locals, the only jobs open to the locals would be the most menial and dangerous with no rights, high risks, no health and safety.

They would have polluted, exploited with complete disregard for even the most basic decency.

 

[Nas47]

Its very interesting real.Saw different docs.that make me understood that chinese are bought almost all Africa.And is may be sad that the lot of locals welcome them and working for a penny in nightmare conditions.But they are poor and uneducated ....souc a rich of resources countries and the wealth only for their tyrants and foreign countries.Wishyou well

 

[lovemissile66]

I've always had problems with staying motivated in order to complete any task without constant stimulation. I can remember as a little girl feeling frustrated because I could never completely follow through with anything long enough to accomplish anything. I actually would have the best ideas and anything I did focus on I was brilliant with it. This just eluded others to assume I had all this potential but was just lazy tho. Hell I can't sit still and always got stuff to do. I've never been lazy. But I eventually started developing anxiety over just the anticipation of expected responsibilities. It's been hard to get others to understand this. During my school years I had to go to the bathroom several times during each class just to break up the monotony. This can affect every aspect of your life. Now sometimes just the obligation of pursing a conversation if I answer the phone stresses me out. I will procrastinate forever about anything I know I need to be prepared to do before hand. If I was told that I had to spend 8 hours a day for the next 5 days doing the same thing I'd torture myself and probably sabatoge my entire life into complete destruction somehow. It's scary as hell not to be able to depend on yourself anymore than this. But I do recognize that this was the problem opiates fixed for me. It was the magic click that made my life all make sense and possible. It just really sucks that it makes you a junkie and has the potential for prison time. FML

Prison time is real!!!!

 

[xaddictx]

Mdpv, alpha-pvp, Alpha-PHP are all in the category you mentioned, they are cathinones of the pyrovaleron type.

They are extremely potent, I mean before I tried MDPV I had done tons of speed, a lot of coke, and other RC stimulants like halogenated (meth)amphetamines like 4-FA (very serotonergic, euphoric, great for studying or work, also very recreational, 3-FMA (extremely good, more serotonergic than meth), 2-FA (exactly like amphetamine but better than what gets sold as speed by dealers), mephedrone, methylone, butylone (very similar to speed), 3-MMC (mephedrone's little brother).

However nothing had prepared me for MDPV.

It's beyond all comprehension, it's amazingly moreish, it will make you its bitch in no time.

I foolishly started vaping it and from then on it was constant use, I would go on five day binges.

Could not eat so I would drink those meal replacement cans, gym supplements, multivitamins. At the time I was a assistant project officer working at a UN Agency, which I won't name, but it's the UN agency that deals with labor issues, stakeholder empowerment, training courses, anything from training courses for female entrepreneurs in the West Bank in Palestine to drafting dev projects, obviously our focus would be on the labor issues around them.

For instance with the Rwanda project our main objective was trying to prevent the Chinese, who have bought 90% of Africa, to poison the project.

Any money the UN gives has strings attached, you want money well then you have to abolish the death penalty for homosexuality, you have to stop shooting unarmed protesters, you have to respect women's rights, well human rights in general. The Chinese undercut the UN all the time, as they bribe the entire government, which in turn shuts up the media and persecutes civil society.

I don't remember when or where specifically it happened, as I was working myself to death at that time, thinking MDPV could turn me like in the film Limitless.

There was a tunnel collapse in a mine managed by the Chinese, they don't actually buy the mines, they just make the local governments grant them exclusive mining rights for 70 years or 50 years, they know exactly when it will be fully exploited.

Anyway something like 200 African miners died in the collapse. The Chinese company had promised to pay the families of the deceased 1000 dollars, which is already a pittance.

However given so many died they did not honour their pledge and only gave like 40 US dollars per dead man. The families protested and the Chinese Private Military Company that was tasked with security just opened fire, with live rounds and killed dozens of women, young men and children.

The media in that country did not report about it, the locals found out from foreign media. That's how tight China's hold is in Africa. Journalists who tried to speak about it disappeared or were threatened. Some were found charred, burned to death.

Luckily our project was approved, when my former boss found out that what he called "your project", given I had worked more than the entire department put together had been approved, he sent me an email all euphoric. By then I was working in NY at the UN headquarters on a G3 Diplomatic Visa. The project was worth 8 million US dollars, which might seem like a lot but it's nothing compared to what the Chinese spend in Africa.

They also build infrastructure but it's for their sake, they need roads to get trucks full of minerals from the mines to the port, that's why they also build the port, the airport, a new palace for the country's dictator and a brand new football stadium for the commoners. You know bread and circus. If the Chinese had won the tender, obviously through shameless bribery, they would have brought at least 50% of the workforce from China as they don't trust the locals, the only jobs open to the locals would be the most menial and dangerous with no rights, high risks, no health and safety.

They would have polluted, exploited with complete disregard for even the most basic decency.

What a bunch of scumballs. China is so overpopulated with people, cities and highways. The pollution problem is overwhelming. Their government is oppressing to its own people its pitiful. I'd rather be dead than live in that hellhole country.