TDS Has weed fucked my head up for ever?

[satanicviper]

Hey guys,
i have been lurking around on this forum for quite a while and have been reading other peoples stories and situations and it has inspired me to finally join and be able to tell my own story.

I will warn you all beforehand that this is going to be very long as i am going to ramble on a bit, but i need to get this off my chest. I need advise and i feel that here is the only place that i can truly express myself without judgement. I realise that most of you guys have probably been through alot worse situations than what i am about to tell you. I also apologise in advance if this is a bit scattered, as there is so much to say and I'm trying my best to condense it into something readable and relate-able.

Some background information about myself, I'm a 21 y/o male who has been smoking the good old dope daily for the past 5 odd years of my life. My reasons for starting smoking was basically depression which i struggled with all the way through school and my younger years, and i have been using it to self medicate and i truly believed that it was helping me.... but i had some sort of epiphany when smoking a couple of weeks ago and decided that maybe my problems are being caused by the weed...

When i was very young i was diagnosed with Asbergers Syndrome (a form of Autism). Luckily as i grew older i did seem to grow out of it which means that i have been to some extent been quite outgoing and my parents and doctors thought i was a miracle at the time as they thought i was going to be pretty bad for the rest of my life..

Regardless i have always struggled with making friends and "fitting in" as it were, and had little to no friends all the way through school. I became depressed as all my life i felt like i was somehow different to everyone else, that i wasn't capable of what everyone else is.. My self confidence plummeted during my younger years, and i was bullied in school which didn't really help things... i was never able to get a proper girlfriend (even to this day) and generally had a hard time relating to people and developing relationships(and i still do). I had made plenty of "acquaintances" but not actual friends.. and on the surface it looked like i had things under control and was happy, but i wasn't deep down. Its quite hard to explain.

I spent all my younger years locked away in my bedroom playing video games and it didn't help that i lived in the middle of nowhere back then and 13 miles from any town, so i very isolated. I never touched drugs during my school years but did like the odd drink now and then, but that all changed when i went collage and i discovered mary jane, and everything else that followed (but i wont go into detail here as going off topic)

I went to collage and met this group of friends who were all older than me, and they introduced me to weed and other things. I loved weed when i tried it, and i still remember the first time i did. It was like i was finally able to live in the moment instead of being trapped inside my own head, and temporarily lifted me out of the depression i got myself into... We used to spend everyday in collage getting blazed, and one of them was dealing so i used to get smoked up for free. It got to a point where we literally stopped going to lessons and just get wrecked round this guys house everyday of the week... It was great for a while as i finally felt like i "fitted in" and we were having a laugh... Fast forward a year later and i had to quit collage because i had missed so many lessons and was so far behind in my work that i decided fuck it and packed it in...

So i left college and of course everyone else had all gone their separate ways by then... so i was out in the big wide world unemployed and on my own.... I felt pretty shitty to say the least as i had wasted nearly 2 years of my life with nothing to show for it, and of course the crippling loneliness came back. i wanted to smoke as i remember it would make me forget about life and just enjoy the moment i was in. I felt like i needed it, but i couldn't fund it so i then started dealing, and that was when my smoking really went up a notch. This was now 4 years ago, and since then i had been smoking multiple times a day every day with not a single break. I must have been going through about an 1/8 (3.5g) a day on average.

I then managed to secure a full time job, but it was a shit job working in telesales and it drove me mad, but i didn't dare quit as i had no other place to go and not only that my parents would have kicked me out the house if stayed being a bum... i started drinking a couple of times a week as i was getting so much work related stress every single day and all i had to look forward to was getting home, rolling up a fat zoot and cracking open a few tins..

My drinking eventually went out of control and that also became a daily habit along with the smoking. I did manage to make a couple of friends as i have moved to the local town by then so was no longer totally isolated, but i ended up losing pretty much all the friendships i did make through my drinking, as i wouldn't go out just to enjoy myself like everyone else i would go out to get wrecked, and once I've had enough to drink i can turn into an evil bastard and always take it out on those unlucky enough to be with me at the time.

Fast forward a couple more years and i started getting very self conscious in my everyday life. I had also become very paranoid (this started out small but got progressively worse). I finally met a girl who i had so much in common with and would have been perfect for me and i know she liked me too but i never plucked up the courage to even ask her out due to paranoia that i would get laughed at or ridiculed, and because i left it for so long she of course moved on and that sent me down a real dark path as all i was left with is regret (take note if any of you are in a similar situation currently)... i dont think i'll ever truly get over that as I'm always wondering what if and i have yet to meet someone else who clicks so well with every aspect of my personality.

So 5 days ago i decided fuck this shit I'm giving it up. I haven't smoked a joint since Tuesday, but my life feels so empty now. It's like I've come out of some sort of coma and i have realised that all of my life decisions for that past 5 years have revolved around weed. For example i would not make an effort with people who didn't smoke. I basically have no hobbies or interests anymore, as i was quite happy getting blazed in my room every single day, and that was essentially my hobby. I'll even go as far to say that it was my identity...

I still have no friends because of the reasons outlined above, the only time i get other human company is when I'm chilling with my "customers" as it were. But since i have stopped smoking its like i have nothing else in common with them and if it wasn't for the weed i'd have nothing at all. All i can feel is this crippling loneliness coming back which is 10x worse than before.. on the plus side i do feel alot more confident with myself now than i did in the past and that is something that has been improving over the last 6 months.

But my question to you guys is how do i get over this emptiness? it feels like weed has been such a big part of my life for as long as i can remember and now that i have packed it in it feels like there is this huge void in my life. I read elsewhere that for some people it can take up to a year or more to fully recover and become "normal" again, but i really need to find a solution quicker than that as some days i feel suicidal like today and I've had a few days like this over the past couple of years (Just to be clear i would never act on these but they do pop in my head and i am concerned about them)

And not only that i feel like I'm going crazy without it, i have promised myself that i will not smoke for at least a month and then reassess the situation and i have very strong willpower when i put my mind to it. But I'm concerned about swapping one monkey on my back for another, i have started drinking often again, I'm drinking now as i write this... and buying other drugs to take my mind off it.

I'm sure i will eventually get over this but today is an especially bad day for me mentally. I am very worried that i have done some permanent damage to my brain especially with the anxiety side of things as i still suffer terribly from this. And i have been having horrible thoughts that maybe the damage has already been done and I'll never get better... i just need someone to put me straight and tell me that it is all in my head and that i will get better eventually, and for my own sake i hope that i do.

If you have made it this far into my post, i really do thank you for taking the time to read this and any input you might have would be very much appreciated

Thank you

 

[Somerandomdude]

Hey man,

I can relate to your situation in a number of ways. I also spent a few years smoking ALOT of weed (up to 7g a day) and using various other drugs. Like you, I also have Aspergers (it's actually known as high-functioning autism).

You've made the right decision to quit. Weed and all other drugs (including alcohol) are really bad for people with Aspergers. Life for us is complex enough without being off your face and doped up all the time.

You need to stay off weed and alcohol. You need to do this by exercising, and eating lots of fruit, vegetables, lean meats, wholegrains, rice, pasta etc. Meditation is also hugely helpful. Just sitting there for 15 mins focussing on nothing else but breathing is incredibly helpful for clearing the mind and getting motivated.

When it comes to girls, yea having Aspergers is tough. I'm a pretty good looking guy too (not to sound arrogant) so it's always lead to plenty of confusing situations with girls. I still have had my fair share, and lost my virginity by 16, but the lack of natural social skills makes dealing with girls a minefield at times. There are plenty more girls out there for you. I know it sucks that you missed out with this one, but just try get your life on track and the girl situation will fix itself as long as you are confident (but not too over the top) and take your opportunities (but don't be too over aggressive).

You're only 21. Your life CAN and WILL get better. Just follow my advice. Exercise is so important. Doesn't matter how unfit you are. Just start by running for 10-20 min to break a sweat, then do push ups until you can't do anymore. Then build up from there.

 

[Somerandomdude]

Our situations are really very similar in many, many ways. I was an incredibly naive kid with went off the rails when I lost my father and was surrounded by bad influences. I've had my entire life turned upside down and my heart ripped out of my chest more than once.

What you need to understand is that in this world its YOU and ONLY YOU that can ever truly help yourself. I know what it's like to claw my way out of a hole I didn't feel I could ever emerge from. What it feels like to be a drugged up petty criminal loser with no prospects and no self worth. You need to start making every day count. Time passes by very quickly. I think back to when I was 16 in a different life and how it's so long ago yet the years flicked by way too fast.

Start with diet, exercise and meditation, and if that doesn't help u feel better after a few weeks then talk to a good doctor about maybe trying some SSRIs.

 

[satanicviper]

Hi Somerandomdude,
Thank you so much for your input, i have always been in denial from the fact that i was diagnosed with Aspergers all my life as i have felt like it is something that others did not need to know after i seemingly "got over it". Even to myself i was in denial about it, and never stopped to think that weed and other drugs may affect me differently because of it. But you couldn't be more correct, life is very complex even without being in an "altered state of mind" shall we say.

It makes me feel better to know that i am not alone in this. I am aware of meditation and mindfulness and it helps me through the worst of times. Yesterday was even worse than sunday and i felt like i had hit rock bottom and couldn't get the suicidal thoughts out of my head, so i got myself out of my bedroom, went for a drive down to the beach and sat on my own for a good hour or so and took a few deep breaths and luckily the demons in my head subsided. I feel so much better today. You are right, i am the only one who can get myself out of this hole and i am more determined than ever to do so. Today marks officially a week without any dope and i thought i would never get to this point.
The main thing which gets me down to be honest is my lack of social life, and this is probably due to social anxiety which has probably been cause by my previous habits. When i see others happy with their relationships and social circles it makes me weep inside. But as you outlined i need to get my life back on track and when i do this should eventually fix itself.

I am finding it hard to adjust to being sober though, and cravings have been particular strong. Makes me realise how much i actually relied on it just to live, and i guess i am finding myself all over again.

You are right that i need to make everyday count, and that is exactly what i am going to do.

If the dark days do become more common though i may consider trying SSRI's. I considered it in the past but have never been able to open up to anyone about all of this. Posting this thread and knowing that others have experienced similar situations makes me feel so much better though and maybe ill open up to someone in person about this soon.

Thank you so much again to commenting as it makes me realise that i am not alone, and even the act of venting all of this made me feel better

I hope that all is good with you

Kind regards

 

[ShroomySatori]

Man, I feel like I could have written that at your age. I am 29 now and a heroin addict and also a benzo fiend. Be careful, if you like downer drugs and the weed isn't really working for you anymore - don't fuck with benzos or opiates. I can relate a lot. I have very few friends, I've had one girlfriend in all my life, pretty much for lack of trying. All I remember about being younger is being lonely, ALL the time. I'm not that lonely anymore, I am more infuriated and sad.

Time passes fast as someone mentioned above. Soon we will all be gone. I wish I had gotten some kind of help when I was younger. I waited way too long and I'm mentally and physically ill now. I have been off heroin for a couple weeks and finally feeling better. Weed can definitely fuck you up in the exact way you are describing so quit NOW, not tomorrow. Don't feel bad if you smoke again it may take a few attempts. After getting through the physical dependency part any addiction is pretty much the same... the staying clean part, and that's the harder part and you are going to have to get through it with weed. What I did, was rented a cottage, stayed there for six months, obsessed over weed the whole entire time (growing it, reading high times, watching youtube videos of people toking... it was idiocy). Weed is not for everyone and it is not for me or you. I smoked bong for the past two weeks as I was withdrawing since I couldn't eat, but my lungs feel like shit already. I was coughing up black stuff for 6 months that one time I quit... and I even smoked straight away when I got out of the woods.

I quit for 3 years. Within a month, I was spending thousands of dollars on weed and hash again (I was smoking at least an ounce a week, plus hash, plus shatter... and I wasn't even getting high anymore, I was getting depressed and mentally unstable without weed).

Weed can be extremely psychologically addictive, maybe not so much physically but if I beat the 2 week heroin sickness and have a lifetime struggle ahead of me, what does it matter? It's all the same, a fuckin waste of time. Weed is my least favourite drug and at my age, almost everyone I know who was a pothead in their teens and early 20's has stopped (I'd say 90% of stoners I know won't smoke anymore because they developed anxiety over a decade or more of habitual smoking).

 

[Somerandomdude]

Glad to hear you're still on track man. Feel free to PM me for help with anything.

You really need to exercise daily/most days. Preferably intensely enough to make you sweat alot. It really makes a huge difference, and will help the weed leave your system faster.

Check out the Exercise 4 health thread above, or pm me for workout plans

 

[Reanimator13]

Weed dumbs you down and helps you escape... There are much better things to escape into. A good start might be philosophy. Why not try and discover who you are vs escaping yourself. SSRI's are just another escape... Cover up.

Exercise your mind and your body.... Then you will travel from Stagnation ( weed ) to a state of growth.

Your born... You grow. Somewhere along the line you took a wrong turn. Most folks do. They fall into stagnation and unhappiness. When are we our happiest? When we are in a state of growth. When you do positive things for your self you feel good about yourself.

It really is that simple...

Knowledge and growth will take you out of darkness.

R13

A recommended start would be " Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance " And " Way of the peaceful warrior "

 

[herbavore]

Weed dumbs you down and helps you escape... There are much better things to escape into. A good start might be philosophy. Why not try and discover who you are vs escaping yourself. SSRI's are just another escape... Cover up.

Exercise your mind and your body.... Then you will travel from Stagnation ( weed ) to a state of growth.

Your born... You grow. Somewhere along the line you took a wrong turn. Most folks do. They fall into stagnation and unhappiness. When are we our happiest? When we are in a state of growth. When you do positive things for your self you feel good about yourself.

It really is that simple...

Knowledge and growth will take you out of darkness.

R13

A recommended start would be " Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance " And " Way of the peaceful warrior "

Such a great post.

 

[satanicviper]

Hey guys, it has nearly been a month since i posted this and thought i would post an update. I cant thank you all enough for your posts as they help during times where i feel like I'm going backwards, and i have definitely been taking all of your advice.

Although i have managed to change my habits, i am still not totally free. I am no longer smoking daily, but have had a couple of slip ups over the last few weeks. But it has made me realise, that the weed really was a large contributing factor to the majority of my problems. It would make me overthink things and create problems where there was none. Somebody mentioned that weed is not for some people, and i am obviously one of them. I can almost be certain that i am done with weed forever, and i would never thought i would say these things. To think that only a couple of months i believed that it helping me! But all it really did to me personally was teach me how to suppress and escape my true self.

Been through some hard times over the last week and i have been having to learn how to deal with them without any 'escape', which has been hard.

But I'm glad to say that I have noticed a considerable improvement in my mental health already; i'm happier, and more sociable. My family have noticed it, and everyone i interact with has noticed it. I have started pursuing hobbies which i have always thought of doing but never got around to doing so. I find that i have so much more free time and it really has been an eye opener as to how much time i was actually spending being stoned. The paranoia is still there, but as the fog clears, its getting less and less. I am on an upward spiral and feel better with myself now than i have in a long time.

I also realised that i was not the "productive stoner" i thought i was. It was nothing but a misconception that my brain used to maintain the habit.
I used to believe that you cannot be addicted to weed, but now i beg to differ. As somebody mentioned, it is highly psychologically addictive and its only now that i have truly realised this.

This decision is probably THE best decision i have ever made. It has been a journey of self discovery for myself more than anything and i feel like the journey has only just begun. It has changed me as a person, and i am only 3 weeks in. I am 100% committed to my decision and the future suddenly looks bright where it never did in the past.

I read somewhere that weed makes people feel content and because it makes you feel content you have no motivation to do anything life changing. People become happy with things being 'okay' instead of striving to improve their lives. I have also found this to be true, and since quitting i have now begun making decisions for myself which i have been putting off, as now i have the drive to do so and i didn't before, because i was content.

I have handed in my notice to my job, and decided to take a foundation course in the local university, which will open doors for me and basically get me my one way ticket out of here. Even though i have managed to break some of chains which have kept me down for so long, I am still surrounded by weed, and my goal over the next year or 2 is to move away so i can finally become totally free from all this ****.

This thread was a cry for help, but i want to now change its purpose to inspire anybody in a similar situation to really take a step back and look at things for how they really are. I know this is easier said than done, but if you really want change and decide 100% that you need change and fully commit yourself, then you will find a way to do it, whether that takes you weeks, months, or years. And that it what i have managed to do, and hope that this can help others to do the same.

I still get cravings, and that is what made me come back to this thread today. Because all of this came straight from the heart, i can use it as a weapon against my addiction. It makes me think twice before rolling that spliff.

There is more to life than weed.

Thank you all again and i wish you all the best in your lives

Kind regards

 

[herbavore]

All good news! I'm really happy to hear this. I find that when people have problems with weed many people do not take it seriously. I happen to love the stuff myself but I know many, many people that it affects very negatively. Same goes for alcohol. You just need to get to know yourself and develop an honest relationship with your most trustworthy voice--which it looks like you have done! Congratulations and again, I am genuinely happy to hear this!

P.S. that sounded like a sign off at the end. Do you feel like you want to end the conversation there? If so, I can close the thread to new replies. If not, let me know.

 

[Speed King]

OP, NO. IMO, you may need an extra long time to get it together (blanket statement), but you can get yourself to a comfortable place and again IMO, restart all over again with your usage.

 

[satanicviper]

@herbavore Thanks for your kind words.
I would like to keep this thread open for discussion as anybodys input is welcomed, and i am really interested in what people have to say about their own experiences with weed "turning" on them. Last night i was around a friends house and they were smoking and i thought fuck it i'll have a couple of tokes on a spliff, and i felt pretty baked to say the least. But i didn't even enjoy it... All i can say is that it basically sapped my confidence and once again made me withdraw into myself... i guess it isn't having its intended effect anymore and that reinforces my decision not to smoke.


@speedking You are right, i need a very, very long break from it in order to get my life sorted. I used to enjoy it very much and that is what kept me smoking so often for such an extended period of time. I never thought i would quit and get to where i am now. Recently though it feels like it has lost its good side and the negative seems to outweigh the positive. maybe i am not done FOREVER, but i am for NOW. You have a point, perhaps when i am in a more 'comfortable place' and sorted out the other problems in my life, then perhaps i could go back to smoking.
I don't believe that weed is bad by any means, but i suppose when anything is abused it can turn bad, everything in moderation as they say. The herb became a necessity for me, and that is when things started to go downhill.




The only thing which worries me now is my alcohol consumption, which has increased since my decision to quit. It's almost becoming daily again, and it seems very hard to justify not having a few drinks to "unwind"... but this is me trying to escape myself once again. I have realised i have a hard time dealing with myself, and i guess a lot of people have the same problems to some extent... and since i have stopped smoking as much i am having to deal with myself more and that is what is driving me to drink i guess.

Once i am finally free of my job (months notice required for my current job) i will have so much more free time which i can focus on rebuilding my life. Onwards and upwards i guess, i feel that i am on the right path, but i still have lots of work to do ....

 

[Londonscouser]

Yo guys, i find i can relate to this thread. I'm 23 and i've basically smoked everyday (still do) since 16, 10 pounds worth or 20 pounds worth or more.
I did attempt to quit once, an attempt to improve my life. I lasted about 5 months, July 2015-Jan 2016.

For me I found that recovery was quite slow, but there definitely was some sort of recovery. But yeah, during the first 2 months, I did feel like killing myself because it didn't feel like a way to live. During the 3rd/4th months i did have days in which i "enjoyed" certain activities such as socialising, gaming. Even though I quit for 5 months, i would say i only improved by about 20%. Main symptoms i hate which have resulted from my abuse of weed is social anxiety and having no emotions.


But yeah, I would say weed has had a very bad affect on my social skills...and this is coming from a person who was very popular in each of the schools i've attended.

Anyways, I plan on quitting very soon. I hope there is a happy ending for us if we can manage to stay sober, exercise and eat healthy. Even if there is some extent of brain damage/alterations, i'm sure it is very possible to live a functional and happy life if we try.

 

[FnX]

For me I found that recovery was quite slow, but there definitely was some sort of recovery. But yeah, during the first 2 months, I did feel like killing myself because it didn't feel like a way to live. During the 3rd/4th months i did have days in which i "enjoyed" certain activities such as socialising, gaming. Even though I quit for 5 months, i would say i only improved by about 20%. Main symptoms i hate which have resulted from my abuse of weed is social anxiety and having no emotions.

But yeah, I would say weed has had a very bad affect on my social skills...and this is coming from a person who was very popular in each of the schools i've attended.

Anyways, I plan on quitting very soon. I hope there is a happy ending for us if we can manage to stay sober, exercise and eat healthy. Even if there is some extent of brain damage/alterations, i'm sure it is very possible to live a functional and happy life if we try.

Have you considered the possibility that, lack of weed isn't causing you to have no emotions but rather, when you're using, it makes you feel more emotional than normal? That the emotions you experience when intoxicated have sort of become the new, subjective normal and you feel like you aren't recovering but it's actually just that you are just reminiscing of the intoxicated state of mind? This was my experience, might have taken a few years but I certainly forgot how it even felt to be stoned and sort of got on with my life, the positives outweighed the negatives. For the sake of curiosity I tried a few times here and there again and holy crap was I flooded by emotion again, to the point of scary. Didn't feel normal at all.