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Harsh Punishment

KoreyS

KoreyS

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 23, 2009
Messages
642
There's really nothing I could have done in a situation like that. I was only a kid. I don't think punishment should ever become that severe. Afterall, all I did was steal the cookies from the cookie jar. I was trembling in fear when my dad yanked my pants and underwear down to my ankles, revealing my bare buttocks and knelt me over the chair. He held the belt high above his head and overcome by rage, he swung it so hard that he missed my buttocks. The belt collided with my balls that dangled between my legs. I screamed in pain and burst into tears.

Any feedback is welcome
 
It has unrealised potential. The end when the father misses and hits his son in the nutsack, that's an intense moment but its rendered casual by your overly hasty delivery. As a stand alone scene, it needs to pack more punch. You should expand on it. I can relate to it as far as plot goes but I don't relate to it emotionally. There is more narrator commentary at the beginning. The end needs to be tightened up. In my opinion, it deserves to be two or three times longer. Don't shy away from the climax. Either describe how it felt or what it meant. Preferably a blend of both. Sometimes I write stuff that means so much to me that I forget to contextualize it. I assume, falsley, that it speaks for itself. It never does. When you're sampling moments from your life, you need to detach emotionally and try to read it from a neutral perspective. Not being you, I don't feel it ad much as you do. And I want to.

I liked it. Childhood traumas are particularly traumatic, I think. Even minor shit still fucks with me 20/30 years later.
 
At first i thought i was in TDS.. Then the lounge..

:D Yeah mate it's good. Did this actually happen?

I'm in no way a writer (as I'm sure you can tell) but I like it how it is.. I disagree with pretty much everything ForEverAfter said :p
 
Yeah, just to clarify, it never actually happened to me, nor did anything similar to it happen. It does not spawn from some deep emotional trauma. It is not meant to be traumatic sounding, but rather comedic.
 
Okay try this then. Here's the new revamped version with one added punchline at the end:

There's really nothing I could have done in a situation like that. I was only a kid. I don't think punishment should ever become that severe. Afterall, all I did was steal the cookies from the cookie jar. I was trembling in fear when my dad yanked my pants and underwear down to my ankles, revealing my bare buttocks and knelt me over the chair. He held the belt high above his head and overcome by rage, he swung it so hard that he missed my buttocks. The belt collided with my balls that dangled between my legs. I screamed in pain and burst into tears. Man, I thought I had years to go before I got a taste of what being blue-balled was all about!
 
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