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Hard time here. Feeling like I'm going to really crash and crash hard.

N

Notsoprettyinpink

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2016
Messages
141
I'm finding it really hard trying to decipher the difference between WANTING my pain medication and NEEDING it.

I'm in LEGIT pain but I HATE addiction. I HATE relying on a medication to function but then I HATE life without them. I'm freezing, I'm shaking, I feel like I'm going to throw up. My head feels like it's stuck in a foggy mess. My body feels so beaten and worn down.

I HATE getting " sick" every, single month when I run out (and I will) but I also can't deal with the pain, nor the withdrawals, nor the PAWS.

I'm petrified to die, yet I'm scared to live.

At least a pain med masked my pain. I'm not getting any better being sober. This is neverending yet so is drug use.

You know what I did for the past 24 hours? Made myself pass out over and over again with my other meds. How are they any less evil?

I'm so confused right now and I'm so sorry for the negative thread. It's just that people seem to think I'm so very strong but I'm really not.

Maybe this belongs on "The Dark Side", I don't know. My life does feel very "dark" and alone right now but I want sobriety.

I know this is all over the place and so confusing but that's just how I'm feeling at the moment and I just want it to all end.

I try SO hard to be happy. To write nice things, nice threads but I'm lying to myself by doing so. I guess I'm trying to MAKE myself believe that I'll be ok yet inside I'm not so sure of that.
 
Do you have someone who can help you administer your pain mess? This is where methadone clinics can be useful, or at least those that will work with CP patients, as they provide the needed medication in a very controlled setting (such as you dosing in the clinic and getting a second take home for later in the day each day). Or if you live with someone or have a trusted friend nearby who is willing to help you dose your mess that can work well to, just so you don't take more than you truly need, or at least stick to your dosing schedule. Finding a doctor who you feel safe talking to about you struggles with taking your medication properly is also extremely important. I know many a CP patient who continue to take their pain medication who also struggle with opioid addiction and have found ways to ensure they do not misuse their necessary prescription for narcotic medication(s).
 
i don't think you need pain meds man. i think you are addicted. even if you are in severe pain, I would just endure it or use non-opoid treatments. i'm telling you this for your own good. although i was never addicted, I'm glad I wasn't because opoid addiction is not the same thing as other addiction. for opoid addiction, you actually feel physical as well as psychological symptoms. Just remember that even though you feel like dying, you aren't actually dying. If you have the strength, try to go cold turkey. But if it is too much, check yourself into a suboxone clinic where they can taper you off and monitor your progress. i hope that the goal for you is to get clean. If you don't want to, that's up to you. But I wish you well irregardless.
 
I think you need to go easier on yourself, you have so much going on right now and beating yourself up is just making your situation worse on so many levels. You have legitimate pain issues for which you were prescribed opiates. Addiction is unavoidable with long term use, it just a matter of fact, not a personal failing.

You have some depression which can be debilitating in and of itself, chronic health issues certainly can perpetuate and intensify depression as does addiction. Certain medications also make it worse, particularly if you're taking them throughout the day just to sleep. It sounds like you are stuck in a vicious cycle and could use the insight of a good pain management doctor along with a good therapist. I think you're being way too hard on yourself and in doing so it is counter productive to getting healthy.

I think you need to look at the situation for what it is instead of blaming yourself as you are not the medication expert nor did you ask for the chronic pain...you are not directly responsible for this and you recognize that it's a problem and want to be proactive in resolving it.. I have no doubt that you will work with professionals to alleviate that addiction and get closer to feeling much better. That's very responsible and something you should be proud of as many people would just leverage your situation to get more meds.

Regarding withdrawal and PAWS, if I were you I wouldn't be too concerned. A good taper will dramatically decrease the intensity of withdrawal and PAWS. You will be working with a doctor and they will be able to script you medications to counter any unpleseantness of withdrawal and PAWS. You also have us to support you through this transition.
 
Bernie -

i just stopped in before work. I have a long day scheduled, but can hopefully check in later this evening, too. I just want you to know that you are doing just fine - as Moreaux and TPD said. You are in legitimate pain and that complicates "addiction." It happens to the best of us and the worst of us, addiction certainly doesn't discriminate in that regard. However, you are clearly in the "best of us" category!

You are full of hope, love and all-around goodness - those fucking pink devils don't take away from that. Keep on pushing forward and you will find your way!

I'll be back later to check on you, I'm sorry you are struggling - you will be in my thoughts today.

- VE
 
I tried to post back earlier but when I did something showed up and I couldn't. Something like bluelight was being worked on at the moment and to try again after a few minutes. I don't know if it's cause I only use the mobile site?

1st of all, thank you all for responding and I'm going to try to answer all questions asked. 1st off, I have no one to dose me who doesn't "use" for enjoyment. My (somewhat) boyfriend knew I wasn't feeling "right" last night so this is how our relationship works; he texted me after I became irrational and said; "Sweetheart, please come back downstairs so I can massage you. I'm never leaving you so get that out of your head. You're my beautiful baby and I'll always be here for you". I didn't go down because he's I guess a "controlled" (I say this because he goes days without using, doesn't get sick but called me a "junky" whenever I got "sick" in the past) Heroin addict but I've never seen him do it and he never "allowed" me to. And I condemn no drug because a "drug is a drug" but I've never used heroin. I'd be too afraid to because of the fear of another addiction.

As for methadone maintenance? I wanted it as did I Suboxone. The problem is that the nearest methadone clinic to my home is 2 hours away (and my means of free methadone are over). As for Suboxone, I tried. There are numerous places for that in my area but the problem is that they take no insurance. My "best" quote was $650 for the visit and the medication for just the 1st month. And I've never bought anything before so this is not feasible within my income right now. While being an R.N, probably, but not now.

As for methadone, it's how I somehow kicked my habit using very little (yet used it too all along via a family member)....I got down to 5 mgs and just "jumped off" and was happy and fine for at least 2 weeks. Hence my other threads but I have no idea how I did it now. I was HAPPY again. In pain, yes, but happy to have kicked a habit I've been wanting to.

As for the other meds I take they are as follows and I feel they depress me even more; Xanax 4 mgs per day, Baclofen 4 mgs per day (overtook yesterday and I really thought I was dying even though it's said to help with wd's), Gabapentin 6,800 mgs per day (the high dose doesn't touch my pain), Verapamil 80 mgs 3 times per day, Lasix 3 times per day, Seroquel for sleep 300 mgs at night, Cymbalta 60 mgs 3 times per day, Lamotrigine 100 mgs 3 times per day and then there's the other measly things such as Ranitidine and Prilosec plus prescribed vitamins (Potassium and Vitamin D).......

But I took all this while being prescribed oxycodone (getting my extras plus the methadone) so I'm not even sure what works. But I'm a "youngISH" woman, 5'8 and 120 pounds....when I read my "list" it makes me feel like a 500 pound "lab rat".
They keep upping my doses of the non narcotics while still wanting to prescribe me narcotics. Yet I can't really blame them since they thought I was taking 20 mgs per day and kept it that way never knowing I was at least taking 80 mgs per day plus the methadone on the side for sleep because I was so bad I woke every 4 hours or so in wd's from the oxycodone).

Anyway, I thank you all so very much for your kind words, time and encouragement. I'm happy to say I did NOT call for my pain meds today but in my opinion I did worse.......I drank a ton last night, smoked pot and took my meds. Not now, but last night. And this is not a good thing for me as after my father was murdered by my brother and then shortly after I took a leave to care for my mom who was dying a slow death due to COPD, I became a somewhat "closet alcoholic"....a functionable one who still always made it to work each day (7pm-7am hence my late night postings...."night shift" never left me). I never went to work drunk to risk another's life but did come home every morning and instead of drinking a couple cups of coffee, I drank a half of a fifth of Captain Morgan's and Diet Pepsi just to "relax" and "sleep"......this was all before I became ill. I certainly don't want that habit back. The drinking. Pot I was always paranoid of since some would make me "ampity" and feeling awesome wheras others would make me paranoid like a schizophrenic. Last night's (pot) made me just loosen up, feel warm inside and not feel nauseated. But it's still a "habit for a habit".

All and all ("Captain", I feel bad because I should), I felt worse today then I did while going through opiate/opiod wd's. I finally fell asleep at 6am, slept til 5pm and felt like a truck ran over my entire body.

I'm sorry, as always, for my long response but these days it seems like I'm always "sorry" to some person at some point even though my habit made me lose all my friends due to seclusion. By all means, I couldn't make "plans" (sarcasm on behalf of me) if I wasn't SURE I'd have 50 mgs to take before I went out. I wasted an entire summer here in a colder climate staying inside snorting my pills....another sign of a strong addiction because swallowing to me just was not enough.....to be friendless and feel hopeless. All along thinking in the end that I was doing so "good":(
 
Personally I'd rather see you on your pain meds, ideally tain them as prescribed with the help of a friend dosing you - you could even work it out with your doctor to pick them up from the pharmacy every week instead of once a month, rather than getting on the sauce. That will just make all your problems worse. In terms of the herb though, unless you struggled with that before, knock yourself out.

I hope things start getting better for you bernie, sounds like you're really suffering :(
 
Hey Pink! You ok over there?? How ya holding up? Stay strong just like you tell me. Miss my online friend, sorry I was away for a bit.

?Jm
 
Bernie -

Check in with us, please! I, for one, am starting to really worry about you.

Come back to us. You are always so happy and positive! I need you and your emoticons back as soon as possible!

- VE
 
Pink?Pink?

Who's the Gypsy now ehh? I hope your ok , if you are please respond. You helped me through alot I can only try and return the generosity. ????
 
Pink you have a lot of people here that care about you and we are worried. Check in!<3
 
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