Blog Happy… then sad… then happy.. then sad again.

[I'm-Still-Alive]

Goodness, I just can’t with my emotions today. I’ve been extra sensitive… Just really feeling down in the dumps. I’m not happy in my life. I’m not happy in my job. I had another job interview today at 2:30, and was informed that I had a job offer in the works for a different position that I interviewed for on Monday. Which I was very, very excited for! I thanked them, and disconnected. I got the call for the job offer, they offer benefits, (health, dental, vision, 403b, and PTO accrual starting immediately). But then they said how much I’d be making… $16.73. My rent is $1,500/month, gas/electric is $250, phone is $120… how do I live on $16.73 an hour? What? I could barely make it when I was making $21.60/hr. Fuck. I asked if it was possible to up it to $18.00/hr… maybe that would be doable. I don’t know. I could go without benefits. Just stay on Medicaid. but… I feel like this is never going to get better.

 

[washingtonbound]

Goodness, I just can’t with my emotions today. I’ve been extra sensitive… Just really feeling down in the dumps. I’m not happy in my life. I’m not happy in my job. I had another job interview today at 2:30, and was informed that I had a job offer in the works for a different position that I interviewed for on Monday. Which I was very, very excited for! I thanked them, and disconnected. I got the call for the job offer, they offer benefits, (health, dental, vision, 403b, and PTO accrual starting immediately). But then they said how much I’d be making… $16.73. My rent is $1,500/month, gas/electric is $250, phone is $120… how do I live on $16.73 an hour? What? I could barely make it when I was making $21.60/hr. Fuck. I asked if it was possible to up it to $18.00/hr… maybe that would be doable. I don’t know. I could go without benefits. Just stay on Medicaid. but… I feel like this is never going to get better.

You mentioned that there are hormonal problems that are making things worse, I'd maybe look into that with a GP. At the moment, at least you're employed, have a supportive partner, etc. My point is it's likely a physical thing going on rather than environmental. I have similar mood swings but am severely bipolar, so I know it's just the brain playing tricks. In your case maybe it's another physical problem you're not aware of.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

You mentioned that there are hormonal problems that are making things worse, I'd maybe look into that with a GP. At the moment, at least you're employed, have a supportive partner, etc. My point is it's likely a physical thing going on rather than environmental. I have similar mood swings but am severely bipolar, so I know it's just the brain playing tricks. In your case maybe it's another physical problem you're not aware of.

So… I’m going to the OB/GYN. They’re doing all sorts of tests. I have an internal ultrasound set up for Tuesday this week and then if that comes back with nothing I go in for a D&C and exploratory surgery. I’m terrified. There’s so much going on with that…. Ugh. But.. yeah. But also, I’m just depressed. So, so depressed. And I want my job to have meaning. I want to work with the population I love. I want to help the people I have always wanted to help. And I’m scared that my jobs are just not going to pay my bills. I have no money as it is. It’s so frustrating. And cost of living just gets higher. I can’t drive due to seizures. I almost feel it’s not fair to my boyfriend to keep putting him through all this. It’s all my fault all this happened in the first place. He deserves someone who can give him happiness all the time.

 

[washingtonbound]

So… I’m going to the OB/GYN. They’re doing all sorts of tests. I have an internal ultrasound set up for Tuesday this week and then if that comes back with nothing I go in for a D&C and exploratory surgery. I’m terrified. There’s so much going on with that…. Ugh. But.. yeah. But also, I’m just depressed. So, so depressed. And I want my job to have meaning. I want to work with the population I love. I want to help the people I have always wanted to help. And I’m scared that my jobs are just not going to pay my bills. I have no money as it is. It’s so frustrating. And cost of living just gets higher. I can’t drive due to seizures. I almost feel it’s not fair to my boyfriend to keep putting him through all this. It’s all my fault all this happened in the first place. He deserves someone who can give him happiness all the time.

Sounds like you're doing what you need to then. Wish I had better advice but I also deal with mood problems. Maybe look into transcendental meditation. Never did much for me but some people swear by it.

 

[Kingoffrogs]

With a rent of 1500$/month sounds like it's time to move.

Where I live, if you live downtown (Rockford, IL.) you are probably paying 800-1200$/month for a 1 bed/1 bath. However, if you go further south you can get some 1 bed/1 bath listings in between 600-750$/month that are almost the same as the 800-1200$/month apartments, the biggest difference is usually location (Rockford IL is a pretty dangerous city, though). All depends on what you are willing to put up with.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

With a rent of 1500$/month sounds like it's time to move.

Where I live, if you live downtown (Rockford, IL.) you are probably paying 800-1200$/month for a 1 bed/1 bath. However, if you go further south you can get some 1 bed/1 bath listings in between 600-750$/month that are almost the same as the 800-1200$/month apartments, the biggest difference is usually location (Rockford IL is a pretty dangerous city, though). All depends on what you are willing to put up with.

Boyfriend isn’t willing to put up with dangerous living area… he wants to live in the ritzy neighborhoods, as that’s what he is used to. I need something on the bus line though, as I can’t drive due to seizures. I need to go a minimum of 6 months without one and can’t. Keep getting close and having one.

 

[rentedbythehour]

So… I’m going to the OB/GYN. They’re doing all sorts of tests. I have an internal ultrasound set up for Tuesday this week and then if that comes back with nothing I go in for a D&C and exploratory surgery. I’m terrified. There’s so much going on with that…. Ugh. But.. yeah. But also, I’m just depressed. So, so depressed. And I want my job to have meaning. I want to work with the population I love. I want to help the people I have always wanted to help. And I’m scared that my jobs are just not going to pay my bills. I have no money as it is. It’s so frustrating. And cost of living just gets higher. I can’t drive due to seizures. I almost feel it’s not fair to my boyfriend to keep putting him through all this. It’s all my fault all this happened in the first place. He deserves someone who can give him happiness all the time.

First of all stop blaming yourself for what you're going thru. If your boyfriend didn't want to be there with you, he wouldn't be. A supportive partner is incredibly important right now to help you get thru this difficult time and get the answers you need. It's not always going to be easy in the relationship. I'm sure he'll have his moments too. Just keep your chin up girl. You've got this!

 

[rentedbythehour]

And btw. Rent of $1500 is pretty cheap where I live.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

So, I got the new job to go up to $16.85 an hour... that's... still not much. barely above minimum wage. I feel like throwing up. I am so anxious. I have no idea how I am supposed to live on that. Especially when nothing is included in my rent, I have student loans to pay, I have nothing. I am so fucking anxious right now. I gave my other job the two weeks notice. I'm waiting for the call from HR to bitch me out. I just want to curl up and die. I am so fucking anxious. I literally feel like I'm gonna have a seizure that's how nervous I am. (My seizures are stress-induced primarily). I still have another hour and a half at work. Then it's go home. And sit. And do nothing. I don't know what to fucking do right now.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

Just found out that my boyfriend may lose his job soon. That's more fucking anxiety inducing. Cuz that's what I need. Fuck.

 

[Flynnal]

I honestly don't even know what to say, other than I'm sorry that shit is turning out like this. All I can offer is some sympathy. I know what it's like to really go without, and had to do it for years before I found a decent place to work for those with intellectual disabilities and the additional benefits, allowances, NDIS, etc. It was hell but I did manage to survive - only then for my physical (and consequently, mental) health (especially hearing+balance) to start nosediving.

I hope that you're OK and there countless people here rooting for you, even if they are not actively responding to these posts.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

His company is downsizing. I literally am just losing my mind. I feel like I need something to give. I have no friends left. I tried to reach out to my friends yesterday to set something up to hang out for my mental health… no response. He doesn’t understand my depression. He doesn’t understand how it impacts me. How badly I just want to crawl into bed and just rot. And I can’t talk about my want to use to him. He’s never done anything more than weed. He thinks all drug users deserve to die. I can’t talk about it. I have to hide it from him. I have to hide ALL of these feelings from him.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

It sounds like you're stuck in a tough situation, feeling like just another cog in the machine. Your rent seems pretty reasonable for NY (I'm paying just over $1,300 for a studio myself, after utilities and internet), which is decent for New York. Hang in there, my friend; there's always hope.

Have you considered applying for a state job? They often pay well and offer good benefits, and you don't always need a specific college degree. It could be a decent option. For example, my friend is making around $22 per hour at Amazon; while it's not a fortune, he says the work isn't backbreaking.

Consider getting a gym membership too; Planet Fitness is affordable. It will provide a positive outlet and help with your depression and anxiety. Even go for a walk, it sounds corny as hell, but it might make a tiny difference. I'd like to believe that any positive change is good regardless of how minuscule it is.

I hope things turn around for you soon. You WILL make it through this.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

It sounds like you're stuck in a tough situation, feeling like just another cog in the machine. Your rent seems pretty reasonable for NY (I'm paying just over $1,300 for a studio myself, after utilities and internet), which is decent for New York. Hang in there, my friend; there's always hope.

Have you considered applying for a state job? They often pay well and offer good benefits, and you don't always need a specific college degree. It could be a decent option. For example, my friend is making around $22 per hour at Amazon; while it's not a fortune, he says the work isn't backbreaking.

Consider getting a gym membership too; Planet Fitness is affordable. It will provide a positive outlet and help with your depression and anxiety. Even go for a walk, it sounds corny as hell, but it might make a tiny difference. I'd like to believe that any positive change is good regardless of how minuscule it is.

I hope things turn around for you soon. You WILL make it through this.

In my area, for a 2bd $1500 is above fair market rent, I know because I work in that field. 2bd is about $1100, but my boyfriend wouldn’t settle for anything less nice than what we have. So we’re paying wayyyy above fair market rent. I’m not allowed to go for a walk, and he won’t drive me to a gym. I can’t drive due to seizures. And it’s basically, work-home. No stops in between on the bus. Unless I want to get into a screaming match that ends up with me in a panic attack/crying mess.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

In my area, for a 2bd $1500 is above fair market rent, I know because I work in that field. 2bd is about $1100, but my boyfriend wouldn’t settle for anything less nice than what we have. So we’re paying wayyyy above fair market rent. I’m not allowed to go for a walk, and he won’t drive me to a gym. I can’t drive due to seizures. And it’s basically, work-home. No stops in between on the bus. Unless I want to get into a screaming match that ends up with me in a panic attack/crying mess.

Oh, I see, that’s actually a really good price for a 2 bedroom. You’re not on an anticonvulsant? You can always do some at home workouts or take the bus to the gym… it’ll give you something to do which will definitely take away some of your boredom. Good luck my friend, I hope everything turns around for you soon.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

Oh, I see, that’s actually a really good price for a 2 bedroom. You’re not on an anticonvulsant? You can always do some at home workouts or take the bus to the gym… it’ll give you something to do which will definitely take away some of your boredom. Good luck my friend, I hope everything turns around for you soon.

I am on anticonvulsants, however, most of my seizures are caused by stress anymore. So, the more stressed I get, the more likely I am to have a seizure. And with my boyfriend... He doesn't like me taking the bus "because crazy people take the bus". It's been a fight for months. If he had his way, I would never leave this apartment. I'd be locked up forever.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

I am on anticonvulsants, however, most of my seizures are caused by stress anymore. So, the more stressed I get, the more likely I am to have a seizure. And with my boyfriend... He doesn't like me taking the bus "because crazy people take the bus". It's been a fight for months. If he had his way, I would never leave this apartment. I'd be locked up forever.

I’ve never even heard of a seize induced from stress. That sounds horrible, I’m not sure what to say. It would be best to get seek out some professional advice for getting over this slump you’re in right now. Even though, you’re really the only way who can make a difference. It sounds like you’ve just been dealt some bad cards. Again, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[I'm-Still-Alive]

I’ve never even heard of a seize induced from stress. That sounds horrible, I’m not sure what to say. It would be best to get seek out some professional advice for getting over this slump you’re in right now. Even though, you’re really the only way who can make a difference. It sounds like you’ve just been dealt some bad cards. Again, I wish you the best of luck.

I’m going to my first counseling appointment on Friday! And I’m already seeing a psychiatrist. Thank you for your well wishes.

 

[rentedbythehour]

How did your ultrasound go? Did you see your Dr yet?
And what do you mean your boyfriend won't 'let' you do anything other than come straight home? Is this a concern because of your health or is it a control thing? Cause if it's the latter, maybe a new place isn't the only thing you should be looking for. And forgive me if I'm wrong about this but how much of the stress you feel is due to fights with him? Maybe talking to him and telling him you need to do something healthy as an outlet, he would compromise on something.

 

[rentedbythehour]

I was curious about the seizures too. Does this sound like what it could be? I know when I get really stressed, my body literally shuts down. I can't do anything but sleep, sometimes for weeks at a time. And I mean 20+ hours a day.

Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizure (PNES): Symptoms

Psychogenic nonepileptic seizure (PNES) involves attacks that resemble epilepsy-related seizures that are caused by underlying psychological distress.

my.clevelandclinic.org