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... Had a proper 'junkie' moment today.

TheUltimateFixx

TheUltimateFixx

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Joined
Jul 8, 2021
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North Wales
Today I had to ferry my mother to the hospital yet again. Was another ischaemic attack plus arm broken in two places, because right when she was having the episode she was standing up and crashed to the floor landing on one shoulder. Anyways.

... The doctor said she needed a stronger painkiller than the paracetamol she'd been fobbed off with before, and that they were going to give oramorph to take home. Don't get me wrong now, I really wasn't thinking of taking any of it so long as she was using it (I'm not THAT low), just banking on some leftovers.

But yeah. I went from fearing my mother might die and concerned over her injury, to instantly slavering over the prospect of getting my hands on some of that oramorph. And feeling VICIOUSLY disappointed when they apparently reconsidered and sent her packing with some lame co-codamol instead.

And not to lie, I feel kinda dirty for that.
 
Yeah, mate. It's a bit shitty. At least you've got insight there, tha.

Are you gonna change anything in response to that?

Probably best she ended up with the co-codamol. I hope she's ok and they give her the necessary relief.
 
BadBoy377 said:
Maybe retrain your brain or somethin? Or lay off the gear so it's not so influential to you?
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Very good point. Thing is... I HAD managed to retrain my brain to where I genuinely preferred a return to casual use after several years of addicted use. But I never ever had any actual desire or plan to go off COMPLETELY , ever.
So ya see the fact that I laid off the gear is precisely the problem and reason I'm obsessing over it now.
 
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It just seems like something has happened that has made you unhappy or uneasy to the point you want to talk about it or at very least get it off your chest. And I think that's actually a positive thing rather than just ignoring or denying it.

It's definitely good that you've changed your pattern of use from full time addiction to casual. Fair play, it's not easy. Maybe you'll be a bit happier if you can drop it down a bit more because it seems you don't like the realisation that it's got a tighter grip on you than you thought?

At the end of the day only you really know. I'm just bouncing ideas about with you. Hopefully it's helpful. But something's bothering you about the incident so you can either do something in response or not.
 
You know, you might want to consider what the stress and worry of your mom's condition is doing. I'm sure it must be bothering you, it's a tough position to be in. It would be pretty understandable to feel the urge to use again when under stress. Drugs indeed are a stress reliever, a depression reliever, at least in the short run.
Likewise, let's be real, you had some nice drugs potentially at your fingertips? How could you not feel the desire? That's simple human nature. Quitting doesn't necessarily mean the desire to use has gone away. I really wouldn't feel shitty about myself for thinking about the drugs. You were still there for your mom.
But the thing to remember is, you DID quit and there was a reason you did, and it was a valid reason then, and it still is now. Ultimately, drugs didn't work for you before and nothing has changed, IMHO
Good luck with your mom. ❤️
 
chippermonk said:
You know, you might want to consider what the stress and worry of your mom's condition is doing. I'm sure it must be bothering you, it's a tough position to be in. It would be pretty understandable to feel the urge to use again when under stress. Drugs indeed are a stress reliever, a depression reliever, at least in the short run.
Likewise, let's be real, you had some nice drugs potentially at your fingertips? How could you not feel the desire? That's simple human nature. Quitting doesn't necessarily mean the desire to use has gone away. I really wouldn't feel shitty about myself for thinking about the drugs. You were still there for your mom.
But the thing to remember is, you DID quit and there was a reason you did, and it was a valid reason then, and it still is now. Ultimately, drugs didn't work for you before and nothing has changed, IMHO
Good luck with your mom. ❤️
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Thanks a lot for that message, mate. EXCESSIVE use of drugs certainly didn't 'work' for me (does it for anyone in the long run?), but moderate use most certainly did. It was one of my greatest pleasures and I only gave it up due to an ultimatum. My intention had NEVER been to outright quit, only to cut my use back down to a level where it wasn't interfering with my life and I didn't develop a renewed dependence.
 
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TheUltimateFixx said:
Thanks a lot for that message, mate. EXCESSIVE use of drugs certainly didn't 'work' for me (does it for anyone in the long run?), but moderate use most certainly did. It was one of my greatest pleasures and I only gave it up due to an ultimatum. My intention had NEVER been to outright quit, only to cut my use back down to a level where it wasn't interfering with my life and I didn't develop a renewed dependence.
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Who gave you the ultimatum and why?
 
I can imagine that they would be both concerned and affected, so good that they successfully communicated this! Do you feel like you learned how to better control your use this time around? Will they accept you starting back up?
 
chippermonk said:
I can imagine that they would be both concerned and affected, so good that they successfully communicated this! Do you feel like you learned how to better control your use this time around? Will they accept you starting back up?
Click to expand...

No way in hell. If I use again he'll leave me.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
No way in hell. If I use again he'll leave me.
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Well, that seems like your answer about using again, since you value the relationship.
But like I said before, the addict part of your brain is always going to be tempted to use again, that's fucking natural! And stress about your mom maybe triggers you, too. Pretty natural that, too. So be kind to yourself! It's pretty hard to do so sometimes, speaking for myself, but it's better than beating the shit out of ourselves. ❤️
 
chippermonk said:
Well, that seems like your answer about using again, since you value the relationship.
But like I said before, the addict part of your brain is always going to be tempted to use again, that's fucking natural! And stress about your mom maybe triggers you, too. Pretty natural that, too. So be kind to yourself! It's pretty hard to do so sometimes, speaking for myself, but it's better than beating the shit out of ourselves. ❤️
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Can I ask why you quit (as you apparently did)? And do you feel it was worth it?
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
Can I ask why you quit (as you apparently did)? And do you feel it was worth it?
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Me? Honestly, I've never been addicted. I've done a lot of types of drugs over the years and enjoyed them, craved them ( I'm craving kratom right now) and I still do them, but I always have limited their use. For me, I'm just always hyper aware of the problems they would cause if I was addicted. But I'm also aware of the problems they are causing me even with just moderate non-addicted use. It's depressing to me how even my moderate use has diminished my relationship and my happiness at times. I'm secretive about it, and that just sucks. This is a struggle for me.
So I'd say trying to have a rich fulfilling relationship with someone you love is worth it
Having your physical health is worth it. Having a clearer mind and not suffering with cravings, hangovers, and withdrawal is worth it. There are other, healthier , more sustainable ways to feel good, imperfect though they are. We aren't going to always be satisfied and happy in life, but I think there are healthier ways to go about it than drugs.
 
chippermonk said:
Me? Honestly, I've never been addicted. I've done a lot of types of drugs over the years and enjoyed them, craved them ( I'm craving kratom right now) and I still do them, but I always have limited their use. For me, I'm just always hyper aware of the problems they would cause if I was addicted. But I'm also aware of the problems they are causing me even with just moderate non-addicted use. It's depressing to me how even my moderate use has diminished my relationship and my happiness at times. I'm secretive about it, and that just sucks. This is a struggle for me.
So I'd say trying to have a rich fulfilling relationship with someone you love is worth it
Having your physical health is worth it. Having a clearer mind and not suffering with cravings, hangovers, and withdrawal is worth it. There are other, healthier , more sustainable ways to feel good, imperfect though they are. We aren't going to always be satisfied and happy in life, but I think there are healthier ways to go about it than drugs.
Click to expand...

I agree wholeheartedly. For me the problem is that saying you can do XYZ 'instead of' your drug of choice is like comparing apples to oranges. They're not the same thing. Because pleasures are specific and you can't just substitute one for the other. Yeah sure I can engage in activities that would give me similar rewards to the drug , but only heroin satisfies the want for heroin, because nothing else feels QUITE LIKE it. Not because it's somehow intrinsically 'better' than other things, but because it's its own thing.
 
TheUltimateFixx said:
I agree wholeheartedly. For me the problem is that saying you can do XYZ 'instead of' your drug of choice is like comparing apples to oranges. They're not the same thing. Because pleasures are specific and you can't just substitute one for the other. Yeah sure I can engage in activities that would give me similar rewards to the drug , but only heroin satisfies the want for heroin, because nothing else feels QUITE LIKE it. Not because it's somehow intrinsically 'better' than other things, but because it's its own thing.
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I can see that. On the other hand those endorphin sites can be triggered by things like exercise. Not the same way though.
How long since you quit?
 
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