Grieving is always hard-triggering

[BlueWeepingRose]

It's always hard to try to get the death over somebody. Sometimes I look around and wonder if they're still here, than I remember that they're not. There's times where I'll wake up in the middle in the night and I'll cry. I wish there was someone to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay and remind me how strong of a person I am. Anytime I roll to my side I still picture his little brother walking towards me and asking me if his brother is okay...I'm blocking the doorway because I don't want him to enter into it nor dare look into the bedroom. There's times where I want to open up the door again and tell myself that I'm dreaming, that my best friend isn't really dead and that he didn't really OD=over dosed.

Crystal Meth found my best friend and I was addicted to pain pills. After my drug use days were over my doctor prescribed me Klonopin due to anxiety and nightmares that I was getting at night. Turns out I suffer with PTSD. It's extremely hard to choke out these words or even say them to anyone. I can't even believe that I'm even typing them out right now. His girlfriend won't talk to me, she wants nothing to do with me, she said it's way too painful for her. All his so called friends never cared about him. I was always there by his side, including his girlfriend and we all together were trying to escape our own addictions. Once he died I think it scared me so much that I got clean about a week later. It's been since November of 2015 and I'm still not over this and people continue to tell me to get over this and to stop crying about this already. I'm on medication, I meditate and I'm told how sensitive I am by my whole entire family because I can't stop crying and I never used to be this way at all. I'm tired of this blackness that has washed over my life. Crystal has tainted my life and I wasn't even addicted to it. I seriously hope this is okay for me to put this up, I just am so sick of crying, I just want to be happy. I need happiness back into my life again. Will this pain ever go away? I laugh and smile sometimes, I want to smile and laugh more often. I'm so tired of this pain.

 

[sigmond]

Hello

im sorry you're going through this. there are many kind and supportive people here who have experienced addiction, depression and the loss of a loved one who are doing much better now.

i'll move this thread to The Dark Side where it will get more replies.

SO -> TDS

 

[Moreaux]

I am so sorry you had to live through this heart wrenching experience. It is indeed traumatic, and there is no set amount of time for grieving. In all likely hood this is something you will carry with you for the rest of your life, but the pain will change and become duller over time.

When you have thoughts of your friend try to change them to positive times where you guys were having fun. Addiction robs us of some much of what we love and we often have to learn to live with the consequences. Channel this experience to positive productivity, either using this to help others through education and outreach or into a passionate hobby. An example, I use the pain I have from my addiction to reach out to others in various online communities to educate and support them when they're in hard times with drug use. I also use that pain to paint. It's very therapeutic. Those are just examples, it doesn't have to be that exactly - apply it towards your passions.

Crying is a much healthier reaction than holding the pain in, people need to be more understanding. I have found that where addiction is concerned, most people don't understand the nature of addiction and don't realize that it's not an act of selfishness - they think addicted deaths are the doing of the addict and not deserving of sympathy. This is a very ignorant mindset, and just one of many stigma we have to live with until society is better educated. I normally don't recommend this, but if family and friends are not being supportive try to minimize their exposure to these emotions and use other avenues to express your grief such as the Internet and AA/NA if you have a group near you.

You are grieving the loss of a friend and you are also having to process a very traumatic recent event. There is no appropriate timeframe. I do recommend therapy if you spend most of your time ruminating this as you need to continue to move forward with your life. I lost somebody very significant to me 11 years ago on Christmas. When I think of them sometimes I still cry. I cry every Christmas in private, I don't think that will ever change. Go easy on yourself and give yourself time. Death is one of the hardest aspects of living.

 

[morphine-dreams]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have PTSD as well and find grieving extremely difficult too, I've just been lucky to not have to do much of it yet. I think you might need to address the PTSD, before you can address the grief. Like others have said, there is no definite timeframe, but I can tell you from experience that untreated/unresolved PTSD will make grieving anything worse, let alone the death of a close friend. Take all the time you need but also don't be afraid to seek help, PTSD can definitely be resolved (I like that word better than 'cured', more fitting I think) with the right tools so you can get through this. Then when you think of your friend, you can think of happy memories instead of just pain. You'll never forget someone close to you who you lost, but you can change how you respond to thinking of them.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Real sorry to hear this. My mum died suddenly last year in a spectacular car wreck, so I know just how awful it is. Your mind keeps going over and over it, as if it can somehow change the facts and solve the problem. A year later and it still chills my blood to think of it.

Not sure what else to say. Although I'm a random BlueLighter, feel free to pm me and vent, I lend a good ear.

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

Here's a poem I wrote. It's not the best to it's perfection. It came from the heart though.


He said it was ice that ran through his veins,
He said never again, yet he was crawling on the floor,
He said it was all he had, but he had everything.


His sobs echoed the hallway,
His little bro begged and cried,
His girlfriend's eyes were sore from crying,


I witnessed his pain,
I stayed by his side and found out what haunted my friend,
It had a name and it was called Crystal Meth,


Paranoia, yelling, fighting,
Would would ever think this was life?
To me it wasn't life,
It was a nightmare,


In his damp empty room he sat at the edge of his bed
and said "Just one last time and I'm done."
As we walked away,
Would would ever think...
that he would be gone?


Crystal Meth killed my friend,
I watched Misfits and cried during one scene.
Nathan quoted to Kelly, "I shouldn't have left you. I'm sorry."
Misfits was his favorite TV show,
and I can no longer watch it anymore.


My friend may be gone,
but he may never be forgotten.

 

[herbavore]

It's been since November of 2015 and I'm still not over this and people continue to tell me to get over this and to stop crying about this already.Will this pain ever go away?

If I understood your post, you were there when he died or were the one to find his body lifeless? That is extremely traumatic and it makes perfect sense that you are not "over it". I found my son's body after a fatal overdose and I had PTSD panic attacks for over two years. You will find peace and healing but it will not be by listening to anyone that tells you to "get over it" or tries in any way to hurry you through a process which is complicated and many layered. My heart goes out to you as you continue to call on your own strength and courage to let each emotion come as it comes. I truly believe that grief is in direct proportion to love, to loss. If you did not love this person, you would feel neither the loss nor the grief. Acknowledging the extent of your grief does not mean you are stuck or you cannot accept his death--it means you are honoring the place he held in your life and the valued person he was. So cry when you need to, keep writing and share it here whenever you feel the need. Many of us have lost people we love to addiction or accidental overdoses and understand just how deep your grief runs.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

I found my son's body after a fatal overdose and I had PTSD panic attacks for over two years.

Chokes me up to read these words. I cannot conceive of anything more horrendous than this. Words cannot express. :/

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

Him, his girlfriend and I always used to listen to song. I sadly was addicted to blue's and I got off of them because of his death. I used to smoke them constantly....

We always listened to music in his car and had the windows down as we drove around. He always had a bubble gun machine and blew it out the window, he always loved Bubbles for some reason. My best friend was an artist and he always showed me his poems. I ended up getting into a poems and art because of him. It helps me express the pain I feel inside and it keeps my friend memory alive. His girlfriend sadly moved away and she won't ever return my calls and his little brother last talked to me a few months ago. Last time I talked to him, he said he see's his brother in me more than his girlfriend because I understood him better and told me to keep it between him and I. We promised we'd talk again once we heal a little bit, I kinda miss his little brother to be honest. I don't want his little brother to go down the same path and he listens to M83 constantly now from what I know and other ambient bands because of his brother. Last time I talked to him I could heard Boards Of Canada playing in the background, I had to put the phone down for a minute to cry. As I got back on the phone we both talked about music, he's following in his older brother's footsteps and it scares me to death. I want to keep him close because I don't want him to get into drugs......