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great boyfriend still want to cheat:(

  • Thread starter Thread starter outofsight123
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outofsight123

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OK I hope I can get serious response so I can better understand how I feel.
I have an amazing boyfriend who I love we have a great relationship and he has gotten to know me very well. he is the best person in the world and i cant complain sex with him is amazing and we have really opened up to each other sexually. We have been together for quit some time and I have never slept with another man since we have gotten together
I'm a very attractive girl so the attention is not hard to get I'm not really that friendly and I like to STAY AWAY FROM ALL GUYS for that reason, i dont even dress up unless hes around just to avoid attention
I do this because i find myself very tempted to cheat at times i feel so shitty when i have these thoughts
I think I'm too much of a pervert sometimes I'm a very sexual being and I think this adds to the fuel
If I meet a guy I'll mostly think about sex not really anything other then that
I feel as if I'm incapable of holding a monogamous relationship and this is killing me because I really love my boyfriend and Im bottling all of this inside. I feel guilty,upset, confused, sad and horny all at the same time.
I don't know how to understand myself

I don't really want to tell my boyfriend or even my girlfriends about any of this because neither would understand and everyone thinks were perfect and that he's perfect
I feel like at some point I'm going to face these feeling either I'll end my amazing relationship or I'll act on my impulses
Please any advise is awesome
 
Despite Hollywood, Religion, and Parental attempts at saying otherwise, sexuality isn't black and white, and has more than one facet.

Homosexuality/Heterosexuality is the facet that is currently being focused on by society, but the one you're struggling with is the monoamory/polyamory (or monogamy/polygamy if you get marriage involved) side of things.

Some people are naturally polyamorous. Some are naturally monoamorous (not sure what the word is for it). Jealousy also is not black and white.

I personally am monoamorous, and I have a tendency to fall for polyamorous girls, and actually prefer them.

The concept of "cheating" only applies due to societies expectation of monoamory.

You are polyamorous. It's not a choice any more than homosexuality is a choice.

If your boyfriend is the type to expect monoamory (society expects it, so even if he wasn't, he might pretend to), then you will end up sacrificing full happiness in order to keep the happiness he gives you, and must practice discipline in restraining actions/speech that would hurt him.

If he isn't, you must find this out so you can free yourself of the guilt, and then you can be yourself and still have him.

If he does expect monoamory, and you don't wish to sacrifice your own full happiness for his, then you should move on, and find someone who is compatible with you romantically.

I honestly can't give you advice on your situation, only light up the paths you can take. Is he worth it, is the question you must answer to decide which path.

If you decide to seek your own true happiness, understand yourself for who you are (polyamorous) and seek out those who accept you for you are (those who don't expect monoamory).

Also, it is not hypocritical to expect monoamory, and still be polyamorous. It is a preference for a type of person, not a double standard.
 
I thinkyou should quit worrying and just be honest...talk to him and tell him... Tell you friends too if you think they can give some good advice, and if they don't don't take it personally.

There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling - if you're thinking this kinda stuff then maybe a monogamous relationship isn't for you. How old are you?

I like the "taking steps to dress down" bit - that's cute and show's you love him, but thinking about fucking when you meet a hot guy -well, from my experience that's pretty masculine! I don't know many girls who are like that, so that's pretty cool - nothing wrong with thinking about it, or doing it even, as long as you're honest.
 
Have more sex with him... get it out of your system. Believe it or not it will actually help... plus the freshest sexual memory in your mind will be of the person your currently with... idle mind is the devils playground... get to fuckin.
 
Sex appeal is a bit like currency and it feels like a waste not to spend it.

And not to get all M vs. F here, but I imagine being a young chick is even easier because the value is simply in having the (sex) appeal. You don't need the laundry list of extras that guys need. For example, if a very good looking guy is weak or callow, most girls will avoid him. If a good looking female is weak, it increases the perceived value and if she's callow, then all the better.

If I ever get reincarnated, I want it to be as a hot girl. I want to be able to walk into a bar and my very existence be my entire game.

As for your problem, I completely get it. You want to experience sex with lots of other amazing people. Nothing wrong with that.
 
When I don't have sex with my boyfriend for a while, I start thinking about other guys too. When I'm out, guys are often hitting on me, so I know I'd have no trouble if I really did want to ... but I won't. My boyfriend is amazing. I would never risk our relationship.

So I just keep it at that - fantasizing about other guys. Nothing else.

It's okay to fantasize about other guys. Also, why not try and mix up your sex life, try something new? Maybe bring up the idea of a threesome if that interests you?
 
I guess you're just not cut out for monogamy sweetie. I'm the same... you'd be surprised how many people are.

It doesn't make you a bad person to have those desires - you can't help it, and making yourself feel guilty about it won't help anything.

You shouldn't act on them though unless you've agreed on it with the bf. If he's not willing you're going to have to choose. I know that, looking back, (I'm 32 now), all of my long term monogamous relationships made me feel I was denying part of myself and my sexuality and putting it on a shelf. My current relationship is open, and it's the first one where I've been able to fully be myself.

You're going to have to take some time to think, get to know yourself better and make a decision about your priorities. But in the meanwhile.... don't cheat!
 
Break it off before you hurt him. If you care about him that is.

:)
 
Dont cheat on him, I would be honest with him about it. Worst case scenario is you break up. Best case scenario he either doesn't care or feels the same way about other girls and you can both be swingers or he can find some way to make you sexually content.
 
Haven't read all the responses, but OP, there might be something about him that just doesn't cut it and you're unhappy. I've known some really great guys. I'm with one at the moment, but he is unhealthy and turning into a total mooch, and I know I need to break it off, because I'm not happy and need to be with someone who is my partner and has equal goals and ambition. I've also dated other guys who are really good people in general, but they do not make me happy for different reasons. I've also dated guys where I like to talk to them and we are great, awesome friends but I no longer can see them as my "partner" either sexually or just mentally. This could be what is happening to you. Just because a guy is "nice" does not mean he's right for you in other ways (he's a slob, not goal oriented, no ambition, or whatever it is that just doesn't make you happy). That does not make you a bad person. Sex is not the only thing that makes a relationship whole. You find yourself not wanting to break up, but you know in your heart you're not happy, and that's when cheating comes into play.

If I want to be totally honest with myself, at this point, I would cheat on the person I'm with now, because it's gotten to the point where I am totally done and this relationship is dead. But, you have to be straight with yourself and him so you don't go down that road of cheating. You owe it to him to be honest, because it will hurt a whole lot less than finding out you're cheating.

The way I look at it is a guy would would date me right now is not the type of person I want to date anyway, because they would be dating a cheater (that is of course if I was honest), and that is not the type of person I want to date. It's a catch-22 at this point.

So, we're just a forum and I would definitely take the comments from people here, walk away and think about it for yourself. Decide if you want to spend years with this person or if it's better that you just break it off and spare him from finding out you are cheating. I would evaluate if maybe you've just had a fight and if you're in a mood or if you truly would not be happy with this person. Give yourself some time to think about it.
 
If you are not cutout for monogamy then you are not cutout for it. If you come that conclusion then you should be honest as others have said. If you make the decision to cheat then you are opening the door to a whole bunch of bad karma, it will come back and bite you in the ass. I have never met a person that cheated that was happy they did it, most I have known have suffered from trust issues in the relationships they got into after they cheated.
 
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Break up with him. If you care about him and you know your going to cheat then it's the right thing to do. Or maybe tell him you think you need a break.. Then you can go out and have sex as much as you want. Once you get it out of your system maybe you'll decide you want to stay single or go back to him.
 
That is horrible advice and just a twist on being dishonest.

There is no workaround for having an appetite for a sexually dependent dopamine release.

If you need "variety" for your hit, then you would do well to accept that fact. If you can, be kind to that "lover" that does not yet, or never will, understand that.

You really can't have your cake and eat it too.

:)
 
has anyone thought that this girl might have a sex adddiciton! its ok and my mate is the same she went to the doctors and is now getting really good help for it, if you take your boyfriend along with you the doctor can explain in ways that he can understand.
 
I have a hard time wrapping my head around "sex addiction." Sex is natural, so I have a hard time agreeing that sex could ever be an addiction. I suppose I'm stubborn in that respect, because I don't see food as an addiction either. Yeah, food is good, but it's all about self control. It's not like the fear of withdrawal or altering your chemistry that makes you dependent on it.

I guess I just see her as having a high sex drive, and with proper protection and self-control, she should not label her sex drive as "bad" and I see "addiction" as something bad.

JMO of course.
 
I've cheated on every guy I've ever dated, but it always goes the same way-- I cheat on them and then feel so horrible about it that I end up breaking up with them pretty immediately. But for me I thinks its a mixture of three things a) I date the wrong people and find ones I like more 2) I look for a reason to end the relationship 3)my long term relationships haven't been very sexually satisfying.

I would just think about what the underlying reason is... if you are really happy in this relationship you wouldn't be thinking about cheating on him. Maybe the sex is the problem, and if so I would try to figure out how to make it work, otherwise your desire to cheat is not going to go away.
 
Great post, mia and welcome back. :)

I agree that there must be some underlying reason. Something that is not making her happy whether it's the sex or just the relationship in general. It's hard when everything about a person is great, but there is that 1 little important part of the relationship in which you know the person can't change and it's not making you happy. It's a horrible situation to be in.
 
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