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Grandmother just died and immediately downed tons of benzos

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CoastTwoCoast

CoastTwoCoast

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Feb 18, 2016
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Dancing on the corpses' ashes
I was going for a walk yesterday and got a text from my dad telling me to call him right away. He told me my grandma died from cancer yesterday. I'm still in shock because I never ever saw this coming. This wasn't supposed to happen to her.

I visited her a few weeks ago and spent time with her. She was doing hospice at home at the time and I sent her a lovely Mother's Day gift. Her mind was so gone, I don't even think she remembered. I never had cancer hit so close to home before. She was gone in the blink of an eye.

I immediately went on a benzo binge last night and I really wish I had that timer lock safe to keep the rest of them from myself. I couldn't afford it this month. I have to have self-control somehow and stay away from the benzos because I'm going to NEED them whenever I have to go to the funeral. She was a wonderful person and I know she adored me. I didn't spend enough time with her and that will always be my regret.

I have plans to get up in the morning and work out. Hopefully that will make me feel better and working out more will hopefully keep me from wanting to use drugs.

Sorry, venting.
 
I am sorry for your loss.

My grandmother was the best person in my life. We often discussed about anything, even my addiction and other problems. I miss our cafe moments. And was quite devastated when she died year ago but didn't have any regrets because we had discussions about her dying and we were both quite prepared for that. During hospice she even called me just hours before she died and told he she feels like now it a stime for her to move and if he might even meet granddad waiting for him whenever we go after we die.

She asked me if I could make in time there and I couldn't be sure so we just had a facetime conversation going on while I drove 360km to see her the last time. I was able to get in time as he died hour after I did arrive ther. And he was totally the same as had been before with her sharp cognitive abilities.

We told about anything and if he wants me to do something after she dies. It was a good conversation and I just held her hand until a very end.

Good damn I cryed a lot while writing this.
 
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It's wonderful you had such a close relationship to your grandmother. I was lucky enough to have both of my grandmas all this time. I cry when I think about I just don't understand how this happened to her. Life is so fragile.

It's the best when you can talk to your grandmother about ANYTHING! I could do that with both of my grandmothers, but now I only have one and I'm still thankful for that.

I couldn't sleep last night so I got up super early, did sit-ups, push-ups and ran on the treadmill. That helped my mind a bit. Maybe I'll take a walk later. Thank you for your response! *HUGS*
 
I'm very sorry for your lose.

Passing out of this life is as much a part of it as being born into it. Just as birth is not the beginning, death is not the end.. it's just the beginning of something new.

The experience of a loved one passing on can be difficult and full of unpleasant emotions. We need to experience and work through these feelings and emotions. By doing this we learn wisdom and gain insight. Our spirits develope and grow.

Trying to suppress life events we need to process and go through with chemicals will not work out. They will just be there the next day plus what came along that day. We just keep adding to the pile and becoming more and more overwhelmed and miserable.

Please consider embracing the passing of your Grandmother. Celebrate her life and your relationship.
Your strong enough to do this and will be even stronger after you do.

Again I'm sorry for your loss.
 
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neversickanymore said:
I'm very sorry for your lose.

Passing out of this life is as much a part of it as being born into it. Just as birth is not the beginning, death is not the end.. it's just the beginning of something new.

The experience of a loved one passing on can be difficult and full of unpleasant emotions. We need to experience and work through these feelings and emotions. By doing this we learn wisdom and gain insight. Our spirits develope and grow.

Trying to suppress life events we need to process and go through with chemicals will not work out. They will just be there the next day plus what came along that day. We just keep adding to the pile and becoming more and more overwhelmed and miserable.

Please consider embracing the passing of your Grandmother. Celebrate her life and your relationship.
Your strong enough to do this and will be even stronger after you do.

Again I'm sorry for your loss.
Click to expand...

Your heartfelt response really touched me. I'll always remember how remarkable she was and all of our incredible conversations. We could talk for hours and hours about anything. Always made me feel great. Thank you! ❤️
 
CoastTwoCoast, sounds like you had a really hard time of it. I remember losing my Grandmother, too; who practically raised me - don't think I dealt with it properly (whatever the fuck that is?!) and acted out unbelievably; getting drunk and taking whatever I could.

I do identify with you, love. :|

IT may help you to talk to someone, anyone; about the way you're feeling, also; outside BL/TDS but doing it here is a good job, indeed! - burying it, by escaping; doesn't help yourself- well, it always will pop-up (usually at the most inconvenient times and when you feel vulnerable or insecure it will hijack you) so, I urge you to tackle it; as difficult as it is. <3

Please don't sabotage yourself by ignoring your loss and sadness - its better to face it; if you are able.<3

Hurting yourself will only destroy your relationships with people you will need/need now and self-sabotage is a symptom of running away from your own pain - I know it's difficult to even explain/understand atm but even you just posting on here shows what great strength you have in expressing your hurt - that takes a lot of guts and sincerity, please honour yourself and what you're going through right now and reach out to other people in your life, also - if your can ( it will be a lesson of healing for you that you, so, deserve, darling).

I wish you well and thank you for sharing this. Again, you are so brave to, we love you. <3
 
CoastTwoCoast - I am so sorry you lost your Grandmother. Try to focus on the special relationship that you had with her, and how much you loved each other. You're very lucky that you had that relationship, and for so long. I didn't know any of my grandparents very well, and it makes me sad to have missed out on that relationship.

What Neversickanymore says is very true and important. Don't self medicate right now - you will just compound problems, and it will snowball. As much as this hurt, acknowledge the pain, and soberly work through these feelings. You will hurt and be sad by your Grandmother's passing regardless of whether you are sober or not, but if you continue to use you will not properly process the pain of your loss, and you will have to also deal with guilt and disgust at yourself for using, and stress and anxiety will pile up as life becomes less manageable and more chaotic.

Using under these circumstances is a perfect recipie for a downward spiral, and you do not want that. Your Grandmother does not want that for you, and she certainly doesn't want to be the cause of that. You have to get control over this now while you still can. Do it to honor your Grandmother.
 
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I almost cried reading what you guys had to say. Thank you for taking the time to care and thank you for being amazing. I have been trying harder to not self-medicate and I've been working out a lot more which feels better.
 
It's great that you started working out again--that will help your frame of mind and allow you to feel the sadness of your loss without the panicked feeling that makes you want to run away from the sadness. What a lucky, lucky grandma to have been so loved.<3
 
Thank you. I still think I'm running away from this in ways. I've only been finding distractions and trying not to think about it that much. When the funeral happens and everything hits me like a ton of bricks, I could easily fall apart. As a matter of fact, I expect to fall to pieces. I just hope I'll be able to pick myself up again.
 
Just keep in mind that 'falling apart' does not have to be a bad thing. Crying is literally the body's way of releasing stress hormones. One of the ways I put myself "back together" after my son died was to focus on how much I knew it would hurt him to know that his death destroyed me. I made it a goal not to be destroyed but to allow all my feelings to come when they did without hanging onto them. I don't really have any idea what happens after death but my default beliefs are that my son has simply rejoined the vast life from which he originally came so picturing him being hurt by my reality was just a mental trick I played on myself but it helped.
 
I'm am very sorry the loss of your son. :( I'm not a parent so I can't even imagine what that feels like. You are a remarkable person to stay strong and you're right, I need to focus on knowing that my grandmama (a name she had me call her since I was little) wouldn't want me to destroy myself. My grandmama's mom was bipolar and had mental issues, she spent the majority of her life in a mental facility.
I know that's where my mental illness comes from because everyone on my mom's side seems fine. My other grandmother, (my mom's mom) is annoyingly happy honestly and a bible thumper who doesn't understand what I go through. I just have to keep fighting. My grandmama also showed signs of depression when she was alive and I knew she was just not happy at all, then cancer hit and she died like a few weeks after. I just hope she's finally at peace.
 
I believe that there is a great peace in simply not existing in the human paradigm. Being human means we walk through the whole landscape, we walk through every kind of weather, and we suffer all that entails. But we also are rewarded by all that entails. Accepting human suffering allows us to appreciate all those moments of divine peace as well. I can't claim to know anything about death but I do believe this: life is short in this one unique conglomeration of atoms that you define as you. Love freely even though it means suffering when your loved one leaves--any meaning life has comes from this and only this. Learning to love with all your heart and to let your heart fall to pieces in loss (understanding that you will not die in the process) is a way to connect with a larger understanding. Everything is born and dies. Even our planet had a birth and will someday have a death. We humans are tasked with embracing this knowledge and it scares the shit out of us!;) But when we can, a great peace is available and that peace is what gives us the courage to live our lives full of change.

I will say it again: your grandmother was so lucky to have had your love. You gave her a great gift and made her life richer. I lost my grandmother when I was in my early twenties, too. I ended up creating a relationship with my elderly British landlady that was half intergenerational friendship/half grandmother/grand-daughter. So many elderly people become forgotten human beings, separated from their families. Maybe in time another elderly person will come into your life. She or he will never be able to replace your grandmama (I love that name--was she French?) but it can be a very good relationship to balance out all the drama of peer relationships when you are young.
 
I still have my other grandmother (my mom's mom) thankfully. She's the bible thumper. lol But she's very wise with life experiences. You're right about elderly people becoming forgotten and that thought makes me sad. My grandmama wasn't French. hehe I really have no idea how she came up with that name, I just took to it as a little girl and called her that my whole life.

Thank you for your wisdom and comfort. Hopefully you're doing well yourself because you have such a big heart and deserve lots of love! *HUGS* ❤️
 
:( Coast, so very sorry for your loss. Grandmamas are special...and Grandpas, too. I thought mine walked on water! I still miss them, after 33 years. The memories are precious. Yours will comfort you in time. Take care.
 
@PtahTek @Essentialle123 hey guys, I think it's awesome that you are being supportive of fellow BL members, but please do not bump threads from years ago, especially ones like this that may re-open old wounds for someone. I understand it's all good intentions, but just please be mindful of the dates on the thread.
 
damn... didnt realize it was an older posting. my bad as it was under new posts. go figure.
 
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