god, i'm depressed

[Dtergent]

it was about four in the morning awhile ago, i just got home. i was exhausted. my buzz had worn off, and though usually at that time i'd have a clear, sober mind, my thoughts were all muddled. it was cold and i was sad.
so i sat down and started crying.
seems like i remembered everything bad that had ever happened to me. i didn't know i still had such bitterness for everything.
back to the day when my parents were fighting, and i was watching them throught my window. he pushed her out of the gate and onto the street, and i ran downstairs, with no time to grab my shoes. i ran after her as she walked aimlessly, and when i caught up with her she clung to me. she was gripping my shoulders and sobbing. and i held her and stood in the middle of the street at twelve midnight, barefoot and angry.
and i remembered every single hurt and pain, and every mean thing anyone ever told me.
i remembered how i used to cut my own flesh, and i watched the blood trickle down my arm without any regret.
i cried.
maybe i'm a happy person, maybe i just pretend to be one sometimes. or maybe it's just i was remembering the rocky pathway i took to happiness.
fuck.
------------------
he not busy being born is busy dying.
[This message has been edited by Dtergent (edited 29 May 2000).]

 

[RaveAngel]

*HuGgLEs* awww, sweetie I know tha deep dark depths of depression all too well. If you want sumone to talk to, feel free to IM me (RavahBabE) or email me ([email protected]). Chin up lil pup!
*hugg-Es*
Ski
------------------
"Shine on you crazy diamond....."

 

[poezante]

you know i completely understand what u mean.. its like u think to urself is this genuine.. am i just fuked up? its like (at least for me) sometimes i just want to rip out my hair im so hurt, frustrated, and lonely.. but its only @ times this comes up.. like lately.. maybe its just too many things @ once im juggling around.. and maybe i dont know what the fuck im talking about.. lol oh well
------------------
CARPE DIEM

 

[astrelle]

i think something's wrong with us if we don't get sad and cry and remember every once in a while. like you said, it's proof of how far you've come.
depression just makes happiness that much brighter.
i hope you feel better, and i hope it passes quickly. i find that focusing on the love you give and the love you take puts things into a positive perspective. i learned that thanks to the beetles.

 

[Dtergent]

thanks guys... *sigh* it's better now. i guess i just needed to cry, somehow...
i feel much luckier now, i mean, i used to be so fucked up.
i'm just glad i'm alive, and i guess i needed this second chance to live (i tried killing myself a couple of years ago but that wasn't so successful) so i could appreciate everything.
it isn't so bad after all. it was, but it isn't now.
mad luv
D
------------------
he not busy being born is busy dying.
[This message has been edited by Dtergent (edited 29 May 2000).]