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Given up on sobriety from opiates.. suicide or maintain opiate addicton forever

R

Relapz

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 24, 2016
Messages
184
Guys I simply don't know where to turn. The last 4 years of my life has been a fucking battlefield against drugs.

IM I can't beat this I can't win after so many failed attempts with brief periods of success time and time again I return to the devil I return to the place that I've tried so hard to escape I've seen the other side the love the life the present moment living enjoying life for what it is without the use of drugs and alcohol but I return a time and time again I put myself through straight hell. The shame and guilt of failing again and again of getting sober just to crash and burn I've had periods up to six months of complete abstinence from all but it seems time and time again I return I know the consequences I know the page to come I know the hell that will follow any and I returned every every time I fight my hardest to do everything I can in my brain Brings me back .

After like 20 attempts at sobriety.. I think I've decided my option If methadone, fentanyl for the rest of my life or suicide.
Any suggestions ? Cause I'm on my way to blowing my brains out
 
Kratom ?

Seriously, did you try it ? If you not suffer from chronic physical pain, then it could provide a way out of the rollercoaster lifestyle. Furthermore it is much easier to taper after numerous anecdotal reports.
 
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Yeah man maybe I'll just order like 10 kilos of kratom and just maintain with it, I have tried it and did enjoy it the only issue being I have to take like 10 grams of toss and wash each dose which is pretty disgusting, but it definitely is a miracle drug.

Maybe that is where I will turn, would definitely be smarter / healthier than going the methadone route.

Thank you
 
Don't ever give up. No matter how many times you fall, always pick yourself back up again. You've already had brief periods of success and you just need to run with it next time. Don't be discouraged, many people relapse a lot before getting well.
 
Kratom is useless to anyone with an opioid tolerance. Further, I've seen those who do heavy doses get super spun.

Sometimes the answer is really simple. By feeling that your "relapsing" by slipping now and then it allows your brain to rationalize going on a bender. In reality, you're just human and it happens. Don't let the thought of a slip be a all in or nothing.

That being said, I love opiates, like, nothing compares to the nod. However I know I am not able to dose one night cause I CAN'T be rational when I use. Therefore I've chosen to avoid any and all opiates after finally beating liquid handcuffs. It's just not worth it.

Lastly. Fuck fentynol. Killed half my friends since it came around. I'm happy I was done by the time it became readily available...
 
Relapz- I am so sorry you are struggling with this now and I can relate. I was in a similar position a few years ago and was ready to commit suicide as I couldn't quit. I spent seven years of my life trying different treatments and was desperate to get healthy and continuously failed - toward the end I had no dignity or pride left, I felt like such a loser and failure. Needless to say something finally clicked and I was able to get a handle on my addiction and get sober, and have been sober for almost three years now. It is possible.

In your current situation it almost sounds like you need a break from the battle and getting on a maintenance program can give you that break. A maintenance program will help break the addiction cycle and will add much needed stability to your life. There is no set time limit with a maintenance program so you can take it at a pace that is comfortable to you - many people start them, stabilize, and then slowly taper off the program and completely quit. Many people also start them, stabilize, and get to a level they are comfortable with and stay of the program for the rest of their lives. It's very flexible and can be tailored for individual needs. Maintenance programs are a very honorable way to get a handle on addiction and reclaim your life.

What have you tried so far to regain sobriety? You said that you have been able to manage some time of complete abstinence but then begin to use again...have you addressed the underlying issues motivating your use? For me that was the critical piece to recovery. I could stop for brief moments of time but always picked back up. I suffered from extreme out of control OCD and anxiety, which then lead to deep depression and zero self esteem. It was a vicious cycle. It wasn't until I began to learn about my issues and techniques to manage them that I was able to to stop self medicating and finally break the addictive cycle. Relapse is actually part of the recovery process, even for us chronic relapsers. I recommend you carefully consider what lead up to you picking back up and trying to identify trigger points (stress, boredom, etc) so you can recognize them as they present in your life. If you recognize them while they are developing you stand a much better chance of addressing them before you relapse (relapse prevention is also key to staying sober).
 
Mmt is definitely not the worst thing in the world. I've been on methadone for 1 yr and am about to start a slow 6 month taper. today I am 30 lbs. Heavier and my bills are paid! It definitely gives you stability. Subs didn't break the cycle for me the first time around. I needed the stricter program of mmt to change my habits too. i am scared but have no regrets. Liquid handcuffs blow away the stress of running. It's worth a shot and far less dangerous than fent. Good luck. It can be done
 
I wouldn't go for suicide. You can always wait.

Suicide is game over.

Methadone isn't bad compared to being strung out. I like it better than pain medication and heroin, but don't qualify so due to that and the desire not to go into debt to the point where my knee caps no longer remain intact or commit crimes things got better.

I take less opiates, feel better, get more out of codeine than I used to from heroin, morphine & oxy, and feel relatively free from the shackles of addiction.

I have serious fucking pain and I have kicked successfully and gone back on opiates due to pain alone so yeah I would go on methadone.

Constant withdrawal can make you really suicidal. So ride it out. It gets better, better than you can imagine.

There are good times and bad times. The bad times feel like they will never end but they do and they make the good times worth it. The good times last longer despite as long as the bad times seem.
 
My suggestion is don't give up, regardless of whether you go for sobriety or opiates. Just don't give up on life.

Someone I care about a lot in an IV heroin addict along with alcohol. He has had one year of sobriety...that was the longest period many years ago. He's been using his whole adult life and he's not young. It's hard. i don't want him to ever give up. He's also been to rehabs so many times. Then he goes back to using. But I don't judge him. I'd be crushed if he gave up, he is still fighting.

What you decide is ultimately up to you. Don't judge yourself, you aren't a failure. You have an addiction. Sending a hug your way.
 
I have to agree to go on maintenance. I have not taken methadone because I have heard it's hard to get off but there are several folks on here who swear by it. It does have structure because you have to go get your dose everyday. I am on suboxone. Your original post hit home for me bc I am in the same a cycle. I started o on morphine 7-8 years ago and for the last 5 I've been in and out of sobriety. I hurt my back 2 years ago and got norcos and immediately started that shitty cycle. I tried to stop but ended up on subs bc I had a new baby and couldn't take a few days to be sick. Now I've been on subs for a year and I'm working to taper off. It is by far the hardest thing to kick opiates. When you aren't using, I suggest seeking some NA meetings or even just immerse yourself in online forums or chats. I started just learning everything I could and talking to other addicts about my struggle and learned a lot about how these drugs affect my brain and that what I was going through was so common. Good luck.
 
Suicide isn't the answer. It's the end. The fact that you're posting means you want something different.
I'm kicking opiates and it's no joke. We all have stress go-tos, some of us just have unhealthy ones.
I just lost someone to suicide and it's a one way trip. You might believe people would feel better off without you, but you're completely wrong. They want you here and healthy, but between two here is the default.
I'd do anything for a conversation with my friend and I'd listen and do anything to help.
We've all hurt people and most of us hurt ourselves most of all. Try to quit beating yourself up- easier said than done.
And try to find someone to talk to, someone compassionate and caring. Because once you're gone all you leave is pain for others to feel.
 
cduggles said:
Suicide isn't the answer. It's the end. The fact that you're posting means you want something different.
I'm kicking opiates and it's no joke. We all have stress go-tos, some of us just have unhealthy ones.
I just lost someone to suicide and it's a one way trip. You might believe people would feel better off without you, but you're completely wrong. They want you here and healthy, but between two here is the default.
I'd do anything for a conversation with my friend and I'd listen and do anything to help.
We've all hurt people and most of us hurt ourselves most of all. Try to quit beating yourself up- easier said than done.
And try to find someone to talk to, someone compassionate and caring. Because once you're gone all you leave is pain for others to feel.
Click to expand...

That is a very compassionate post.<3
 
Thank you. I'm no where near getting over my friend's suicide and if anything I can say will make someone even pause, well it doesn't make this experience worth it, but it's all I can still do.
 
Thanks guys I'm feeling a lot better today than I was then, the hustle and the fight continues but life can be beautiful if you let it be. Currently working my way off of subs, or maybe I'll just get on a prescription.

Suicide is the easy way out, and I won't let it be my fate.
 
For many suicide is not the easy way out. Everything in our animal being rails against it and the fear is palpable. Not to mention the condemnation of society, religion, friends and family. And then the fear of failure and worse injury. I believe in most cases it takes a great courage outside of the dispute of whether it is the correct choice.
 
I'd suggest to study everything anyone (first the common, reputable sources of course) ever mentioned about death first before trying to initiate the state. Chances are high, that you get to a better overall understanding of the cycle of life and death and conclusively reach kind of a meta-state, where life and death are equal from an emotional (humanistic) point of view. Suicidal tendencies can be a good catalyst for a long-term transition to a more aware lifestyle.
 
Total sobriety isn't realistic for everyone--at least not in the beginning--so don't beat yourself up. I've maintained a low-level opiate habit for 13 years now (without a doctor's help) and am perfectly fine with it. Can you live a normal, productive life shooting up H every day? No. But if you can switch to something longer-acting, cheap & safer, it's totally doable. (Note: I'm not advocating picking up an opiate habit if you don't have one already. Just saying).

I alternate between codeine, kratom, Oxycontin, dihydrocodeine & tianeptine depending on what's available and what I can afford. I used to drink poppy pod tea but the withdrawals were hell so I refuse to go that route again. Obviously the Oxy is the most "fun" of those options, but at least when I run out I don't have withdrawals. All of those are relatively cheap and easy to obtain if you have internet access (no sourcing, I know). If you're lucky enough to live near a methadone or Suboxone clinic, go there instead of self-medicating.

Suicide is a bad option because it's not reversible and hurts the people who love you. As long as you're breathing there's the possibility of change, but the minute you end your life all potential is lost.
 
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