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Girls and Recovery

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treezy z

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,152
Location
belly of the beast, MA
I'm coming back from a relapse after 3 months sober. I'm taking as many lessons as I can from my slip and am going way harder in recovery, every day I'm with people from church or AA and praying for help when I need it. I actually feel better 2 weeks sober then I did at 3 months. The misery and guilt I felt getting high after seeing a better way was worse then any of the bottoms I've had involving police or state hospitals etc. In AA terms I got the gift of desperation and surrendered.

Anyway I don't masturbate and my sex drive is higher than it's been in a while. I've been doing pushups every day throughout the day (about 150 total) and heavy physical labor like pushing boulders around and shit so my testosterone is pumping. I'll be back lifting weights after this ridiculous gig I picked up for extra cash is over (maybe a week.)

I had a thot text me today wanting to make me food or whatever. She is within my old standards (does my dick get hard?) but has a dirty mouth and is kind of a bitch overall, I would probably hit it, get her to clean my kitchen and kick her the fuck out.

However, this would not be a good idea because I don't need the devil speaking to me through a hoes mouth, or feeling bad kicking her ass out at 2 in the morning. (The tears usually get me at least a little sympathetic.)

So my dilemma is to fulfill my sex drive without fucking ratchets. I am absolutely not open to a relationship at all. I don't have the time, energy, or sober time yet.

If I were to meet a good girl with morals (I haven't met one in years, but haven't been looking) I would not feel right fucking and ducking her. She might become a hoe.

I absolutely will not fuck girls at my church without wifeing them which is not in the cards ATM.

The best choice right now I suppose is abstinence, but I don't masturbate (other than geeked on uppers, I'm sober) and hate sticky sheets.

So yeah, I don't know where I'm going with this. But any thoughts appreciated.
 
Tru man I hear you, where is all the good girls at I ask myself? By "good girl" I mean one that don't talk to other guys AT ALL, doesn't drink or party, no drugs, has a decent family... thats the kind of girl you want... you should try looking at your church

I had a girl like the one I described but i let her slip through my fingers... now Im trying to find a duplicate of her and have had no success
 
Bro I think you need to stop thinking of girls who like to fuck as hoes. You is a hoe. My only advice is be more cool.
 
^. I gotta agree with d3ath - be cool. That starts by not thinking that all woman outside of a church setting are hoes (not to mention that comment about "I don't need the devil speaking to me through a hoes mouth" - huh?) and kinda ends with masterbation...what I mean is this:

1) you don't want to masterbate sober
2) you have a sex drive
3) you don't want to have sex with a hoe - which, as far as I can tell is anyone who would agree to screw you outside of marriage/church
4) you don't want a relationship
5) you don't like wet sheets....

Here is my recommendation - maybe try the shower? No sheets in the shower, and you are already wet...

Take my advice with a grain of salt - because I'm actually one of those hoes that you would not run into at church, I might even fuck someone while not being married to them. I don't have a dick, so I might not know what I'm talking about.

Best of luck in recovery, Treezy!

- VE

one more thing - and I don't say this to be shitty - but Mr.Snowy, you might want to consider some therapy. If your idea of a "good girl" who has "morals" is someone who doesn't talk to any other guy "AT ALL"...well, that's kinda impossible, unless you lock her in your basement.
 
Definitely therapy. You seem to have a very unhealthy attitude towards women. You almost seem angry. You should explore why. Are you trying to convince bl community women are hoes and unworthy of your love or yourself? Both posts I read that were written by you were extremely degrading towards the gender and perhaps it's not that there aren't and good girls out there, they're just not interested in you.
 
Apparently you have cataratchets in the eyeballs. Might need to get that checked. :P

Anyway, good on you getting clean and you should be proud of that! But I really don't know how to help your lady predicament... I just thought cataratchets was funny :P
 
I think you should focus on your recovery. Kudos for stopping the substance but you also really have to work on resolving the underlying issues that were motivating you to use. You sound like you hve a lot of bottled up anger, particularly towards women. It would be in your best interest to work on resolving that anger so it doesn't just build as that is a big catalyst for relapse. This is not a good time for you to consider a relationship, whether it's just sex or more. Many people allow themselves to get distracted by dating in early recovery and they relapse. It is best to wait until you are more stable in recovery and life before considering adding such a large variable into the mix such as a woman. If you would like a wife and family someday in the future please see a therapist over your issues with women. I can promise you that you will not be able to keep a good church girl with your current disposition, and I don't think you would be satisfied in a relationship period until you resolve your anger.
 
Haha...wow! I'm a woman and this is horrible in so many ways...haha! So, if you're looking for some opinions...I agree with Moreaux. Focus on your precious soul and spirit. Fill your self up with self love. I'm sure you've had some really bad experiences with girls that were shitty but you can't put us all in one category....or at least the women who are sexual. Being a feminine, sensual, sexual woman does not make you a whore. Would you prefer a girl who withholds sex? Probably not. It might be a good decision to focus on getting yourself healthy so you can find that woman that you can protect, love and be her hero. Find the woman that loves herself and is confident that she can be happy with or without you but chooses to spend her life with you. She doesn't need you, she wants you. One thing to remember is we attract hurting people when we are hurting. Love yourself completely and you will attract a woman who loves herself completely! It will be perfection!
So, keep yourself away from the "ratchet" girls if that isn't what you are looking for.

Good luck, sweet stuff!

Xoxoxo
 
I agree that, although it can be a pleasurable distraction, sexual intimacy is nothing but a distraction for you at this point treezy. And frankly, you are probably not all that likely to attract a "good girl" considering how you clearly are in the habit of objectifying the fairer sex. Granted, you could always find a girl with low self esteem or someone who (thinks she) likes to be treated like a door mat, and it kind of sounds like that is what you want, but I can't help but think it wouldn't be a very fulfilling relationship. But I digress. . .

There is a reason they say not to date for your first year of sobriety in 12 Step culture. There are actually many other reasons, but the most significant one IMHO is that during this time you should be focusing all your energy and resources on developing healthy, sustainable habits and generally learning how to take better care of yourself. Devoting your valuable and limited time, energy and resources to romance in early recovery really does yourself a disservice. It increases the probability of slipping up and relapse.

I highly recommend considering taking six to twelve months with the intention to abstain from sexual intimacy or romance in order to focus your efforts on getting healthy. It sounds like a tall request, and it is, but it will remove so many obstacles that you'd otherwise end up encountering and likely struggling with.

I also think you would be best off reconsidering your attitude towards masterbation. There is nothing wrong with that practice :)
 
mrsnowygrainius said:
I had a girl like the one I described but i let her slip through my fingers... now Im trying to find a duplicate of her and have had no success
Click to expand...

A duplicate?!??!?! what are you shopping for a new tv? I lost a friend once. Np I found myself a duplicate friend.
 
I posted OP at 4am (insomnia issues)

I guess a better way of stating it is: I wanna fuck

Want to deal with decent girls from good families etc

Am not open to a relationship but my past behavior of bang then tell her to get the fuck out may cause hurt and stuff and in general I want to be a positive influence in my life
 
treezy z said:
I guess a better way of stating it is: I wanna fuck
Click to expand...

I can tell. But you also probably are experiencing the occasional urge or craving to get high. You stop yourself from following though on that, so why can't you work on doing that with your urges to fuck. They are after all very much wrapped up in the same beast of addiction.
 
This entire idea/message of this post is a mess. You seem to have some deep seated issues with women. Seems there is no in-between with you. She is either a godly woman to be treasured or a skank to be fucked, forced to clean and then subsequently dismissed from your presence. I suggest you consider masturbation to relieve your "urge to fuck" as you so eloquently stated until you've gotten a bit more clarity on the entire situation. Hopefully that clarity will come with more clean time accumulated.

Although it is in no way helpful to you I feel the need to also add that a strong, smart, successful woman, who enjoys a good fuck is not always a hoe. People like to fuck, get over it.
 
I'm sure your job as a "petty huslter" just has women lining up, and fighting for the chance to be your next conquest.
 
Focus on yourself, and put own your recovery and sobriety first before you start any sort of a relationship with someone. It's not selfish, or a bad thing to do this.

Also if you go to a church or AA/NA meetings don't pick up women from there. Do you have a sponsor in AA or NA? Have you talked to them about this, or any other issues you are going through?

I'm also puzzled as to why you don't masturbate?
 
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I finally had the time to read through this thread. Like a lot of the women that have already responded I'll admit that I was initially disgusted at your description of the women you had sex with as "hoes" not to mention the behavior of kicking them out once you had your needs met. But here is what I really see and something that I can relate to (and I imagine all of us can): judgment of yourself spilling over into the safer territory of judging of others. I think when you confront all the stereotypes of shame and you can move beyond the bad/good paradigm of judging yourself you will find compassion for women that are struggling the same as you are. Measuring someone's character when they are the most broken they will ever be gives a very inaccurate reading. The women that came to your house willing to have sex, make you food and clean were active addicts, right? As were you. I doubt either one of you felt great about what you were doing. I am not a Christian but I was raised to be one long enough to know that this is at the very root of the new testament teachings. "Judge not lest ye be judged". "Let him that is without sin cast the first stone" (ironically that one was about the common practice of stoning suspected prostitutes). "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I don't know what your church chooses to focus on but I would imagine that they at least occasionally toss out the modern phrase that my Christian relatives like to ask: "What would Jesus do?" The teachings of Jesus were about compassion and a purposeful undermining of the language and mores of his day that judged people favourably by their wealth, success and power and shallow, hypocritical ideas of morality. Instead, according to ancient lore, he asked people to look into their own hearts, to be honest about their own actions and then to accept the fallibility in a spirit of humility and understanding.

I think that you are still sitting in judgment of yourself and the language that you use against yourself in your own mind spills over onto the easiest targets around you. I truly believe that the only path to true recovery of the spirit is through understanding oneself, accepting that you are no less or more than any other human being, capable of both harm and compassion, depravity and altruism. I feel like you are trying to do this and I hope that you will continue. <3Be wary of confusing morality and truth though.
 
treezy z said:
I posted OP at 4am (insomnia issues)

I guess a better way of stating it is: I wanna fuck

Want to deal with decent girls from good families etc

Am not open to a relationship but my past behavior of bang then tell her to get the fuck out may cause hurt and stuff and in general I want to be a positive influence in my life
Click to expand...


I really think sex should not be a priority for you right now. There is just such a blatant lack of respect for women in the way you speak that is quite frankly offensive and appalling. In a feeble attempt to make your view more polite you used the time of day as an excuse, -and rephrased it to you "just want to fuck". That doesn't change or negate all the stuff you said which shows how you view women as objects. The last sentence, you're going to stop hurting women because you want to be a positive influence in "your" life? I think you have a lot of issues to address and work through, one of the biggest being selfishness. I am not being sarcastic or trying to offend you, but are you capable of being emotionally connected to a woman? Women are not objects, and in every thread dealing with women you have responded as if they are soulless creatures existing just for your pleasure.

The entire thread has been how women can serve you...even "good" ones. The last sentence in you latest post references you wanting to stop hurting them, you want to stop hurting them because you want to be positive - it has nothing to do with them or their feelings. That is a big red flag. I am familiar with other threads you have commented on and I ask you a serious question, are you capable of having an emotional connection with another human being? Serious question as I am genuinely curious - I don't think you have empathy.

I think men like you are very dangerous and do severe extreme emotional harm to whatever poor unsuspecting woman you cross paths with and convince to spend time with you. I suspect you may even enjoy having that type of power as it makes you feel important and in some strange way validates you.

You talk about your religion and devotedly attend church, but your action towards women contradict the nature and spirit of Christianity as does so much of your life style (drugs, hustling, etc). It seems like your life lacks substance and is all about keeping up with appearances...the petty hustler and the devoted Christian, you have these personas but there is no meaning, it's just for show, kind of like a good Christian wife (who is a 21yo virgin, according to a different thread) would make you look good. It's like you want to check boxes off without really understanding the meaning of the statements next to those boxes. I don't think you really understand what it means to be a good Christian, or what it means to be in a relationship, or the meaning behind any other role that would involve another person because you can't see past yourself. I think you prey on people, particularly women to make your life enjoyable and more comfortable.

Seriously, sex should be the last thing on your mind right now. You have serious deep rooted issues to resolve. Work on your issues, get sober, get an education - those things should be your focus, not your dick. It's really hard to believe you're 29, the way you speak you seem soooo much younger.
 
Honestly man maybe you should get a prostitute? I am probably going to get crucified for suggesting that but at least its honest. They want money you want sex. I personally don't feel there is anything immoral about that arrangement.
 
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