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Girlfriend is into kinkier shit that I am... not sure where to draw the line

M

Mr. Pastorius

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
243
Location
New York City, NY
I'm not sure where to begin this. I met this girl that I've been falling steadily more in love with over the past few months. I've played around with cuffs and a bit of slapping in bed before, but she's on a way different level that most of the time I feel OK following her into.

She's mentioned threesomes a couple times. She's fine with mff, but she really wants to do another guy and me. I'm fine with other girls (out of desire on my own part but also because I know she would really like that), but the idea of another guy tears me up. I know its a double standard. I know its me being insecure. But I can't help but feel on an emotional level that she feels that I'm not good enough alone. She says its just a curiosity, that its something that she's always wanted to do (and she's done it outside of a relationship before, but she likes the couple swapping aspect of it). She says she's happy with our sex life, and its just something that turns her on in a different way. She's done group sex before (I've never), and she loves doubling up, and I think she misses that.

I don't know what to say really. I feel like if she really wants to do it, I should give her that. Especially if she's OK with another girl. I just can't help but feel like it'll bring up a lot of shit. I've been anxious all day (partially lack of sleep--was that why I couldn't sleep last night?), and I've been waiting for the minute that I can talk to her. I want to tell her I'm just not ready at this stage. I want to know if she just wants to fuck other guys in general outside of the swapping (I'm scared of the answer). I know in my heart I want her to tell me that I'm all she wants. That its just curiosity. I'm partially just venting. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I remembered the BL after all these years.

Am I just being a prude? Am I just crazily insecure about myself? How would you handle this? How would you feel?
 
it sounds like you should say no to this tbh

i remember reading a thread in the past where someone said yes to a threesome, and they didnt feel ok about it, and it ruined their relationship

im not saying that will happen to you, but you dont seem at all ok about it
 
we talked about it a little while ago. I think I read into her desire a bit, and she said she doesn't want anything that I am not completely OK with. I'm relieved that we talked it out
 
My girl and I spoke about group sex in the beginning of our relationship 5 years ago. She's bisexual, and of course I would love to have a threesome with her and another female. During our 5 years we had a few periods of hardship, one of which revolved around her being "borderline" unfaithful to me. She was never physical with another person, but she would have these ongoing text and facebook conversations with other men and women where she was reaching some type of fantasy and addiction to attention. Those times caused me to completely put aside any thoughts of a threesome out of jealousy and insecurity. SHe has never asked or mentioned a threesome with another man. Flash forward to the present. We just went to a swinger's club a few weeks ago. We didn't mess with any other couples, but she messed around with a female, and I was crazy turned on. Now I've been fantasizing about swapping her with another couple, so she gets a new dude and I get a new girl, and it's turning me on like crazy imagining her with another man. Go figure. Things change. Leave your mind open but dont do anything you're not comfortable with.
 
Mr. Pastorius said:
I'm not sure where to begin this. I met this girl that I've been falling steadily more in love with over the past few months. I've played around with cuffs and a bit of slapping in bed before, but she's on a way different level that most of the time I feel OK following her into.

She's mentioned threesomes a couple times. She's fine with mff, but she really wants to do another guy and me. I'm fine with other girls (out of desire on my own part but also because I know she would really like that), but the idea of another guy tears me up. I know its a double standard. I know its me being insecure. But I can't help but feel on an emotional level that she feels that I'm not good enough alone. She says its just a curiosity, that its something that she's always wanted to do (and she's done it outside of a relationship before, but she likes the couple swapping aspect of it). She says she's happy with our sex life, and its just something that turns her on in a different way. She's done group sex before (I've never), and she loves doubling up, and I think she misses that.

I don't know what to say really. I feel like if she really wants to do it, I should give her that. Especially if she's OK with another girl. I just can't help but feel like it'll bring up a lot of shit. I've been anxious all day (partially lack of sleep--was that why I couldn't sleep last night?), and I've been waiting for the minute that I can talk to her. I want to tell her I'm just not ready at this stage. I want to know if she just wants to fuck other guys in general outside of the swapping (I'm scared of the answer). I know in my heart I want her to tell me that I'm all she wants. That its just curiosity. I'm partially just venting. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I remembered the BL after all these years.

Am I just being a prude? Am I just crazily insecure about myself? How would you handle this? How would you feel?
Click to expand...

Ok. This is what you're going to say to her, based on these things:
"Baby, I am ok with having sex with you and another girl, because this suits my desires and am not threatened by this. I am, however, not ok with you having sex sex with another guy because I am insecure. I also understand that this is a double standard, and I am still ok with that because I am selfish"

Hmm, when you lay it out like that, kind of makes you look like a dick? You need to do some serious work on yourself before you're ready for a relationship with a person as sexual secure as her...imo. She's bringing this up to you, because it's important to her, and SHE WANTS YOU TO SHARE IT WITH HER AND ENJOY WHAT SHE ENJOYS.
This is the same concept as her hobbies and yours. You know how fun it is when you enjoy the same things that your partner does, and you can look over into their face, and see genuine happiness. It's a whole nother level of sharing.

Some people in here will say "You need to draw lines with what you're comfortable with, and demand that she respect that"
Fuck that. I say, become more comfortable with yourself, and experience more of what the world has to offer. This is important to her, and you denying her it will be remembered and noted. If a threesome is important to me, and I ask a girl if she'll do that with me, and she says no? I'll say "OK" and my very next thought will be "Hmm, maybe one day I'll meet a girl who will enjoy it" Already acknowledging the possibility of it ending, because she doesn't share an interest in something that is important to me.

EDIT: I guess I have to be reasonable. You can draw the line, just make sure it's not a double standard when you do.
 
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From what I understand from the kinky and bisexual chicks I know, limiting themselves to one sex and/or kink is a really overall poor strategy. However if she is so dedicated to you, it may not be so much of a problem. It sounds like she is trying to sell you the idea but is being very respectful and understanding towards you.

One of my ex's tried to sell me on the idea of a threesome and it was never going to happen. See someone else fucking my mate I would have knocked him right the fuck out. Then made him pay by way of no sex for a while. hah.

You can't own someone, of course, but there is a healthy level of what is acceptable and going outside of that is going to make your heart hurt, no matter how illogical the reasons may be.
 
That's a tough situation.
If she's up for a FFM threesome and you are fine with that, start there. Explain to her that you are uncomfortable about a FMM threesome.

To be honest, that's exactly that it's like in my relationship. My bf is okay with a FMM threesome but I'm not really okay with a FFM threesome. I dunno why. My bf is cool with that though. I said maybe, in the future, a FFM might work. But I can't say yes to it right now.

And it's okay to not want your partner to be with other guys.

HOWEVER if your views on relationships are so different, perhaps it's just not the right relationship to be in? I mean, if she wants to be open and you want to be monogamous, that will likely cause some issues in the future.

You really need to talk it through with her though. Explain how you're feeling.
 
If it's not that serious of a relationship then do it. If it's love over all then don't. Sometimes woman can drift away after attention from another male. If it's not serious and that happens then freak it, move on. If u want this woman for a long time or just life in general, don't let her drink from that cup, she might want to finish it.
 
elidril said:
She was never physical with another person, but she would have these ongoing text and facebook conversations with other men and women where she was reaching some type of fantasy and addiction to attention. .
Click to expand...

They say men think of sex every 5 minutes, posting fantasties isn't being unfaithful its just an outlet, nothing to worry about.

QUOTE=Mr. Pastorius;11986145]I'm not sure where to begin this. I met this girl that I've been falling steadily more in love with over the past few months. I've played around with cuffs and a bit of slapping in bed before, but she's on a way different level that most of the time I feel OK following her into.

She's mentioned threesomes a couple times. She's fine with mff, but she really wants to do another guy and me. I'm fine with other girls (out of desire on my own part but also because I know she would really like that), but the idea of another guy tears me up. I know its a double standard. I know its me being insecure. But I can't help but feel on an emotional level that she feels that I'm not good enough alone. She says its just a curiosity, that its something that she's always wanted to do (and she's done it outside of a relationship before, but she likes the couple swapping aspect of it). She says she's happy with our sex life, and its just something that turns her on in a different way. She's done group sex before (I've never), and she loves doubling up, and I think she misses that.

I don't know what to say really. I feel like if she really wants to do it, I should give her that. Especially if she's OK with another girl. I just can't help but feel like it'll bring up a lot of shit. I've been anxious all day (partially lack of sleep--was that why I couldn't sleep last night?), and I've been waiting for the minute that I can talk to her. I want to tell her I'm just not ready at this stage. I want to know if she just wants to fuck other guys in general outside of the swapping (I'm scared of the answer). I know in my heart I want her to tell me that I'm all she wants. That its just curiosity. I'm partially just venting. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I remembered the BL after all these years.

Am I just being a prude? Am I just crazily insecure about myself? How would you handle this? How would you feel?[/QUOTE]

You aren't being a prude all people have differen comfort limis, you may not know yours.

I would keep my heart out of it, don't fall in love. Go on her adventures as far as you can (use a ssfe word when going to far) and then if you fall in lovewith each other after the adventures you know its real. the real deal real. I personally don't agree with sex without love first its just not as good, but it takes all types. There is a possibility you are just a fling to her so don't get hurt.

good luck
 
You're not being a prude. There's nothing wrong with wanting her to want only you. But also, there's nothing wrong with what she wants, either. The only solution is to talk about it and find out how important to her this is. If you tell her that you like being with her but you don't want to share her with another guy, well.. if your relationship is the most important thing to her, she'll accept that. If it's more important to her at this point to play out these fantasies and explore her sexuality, then I'm not sure what kind of future you have together. You both have to be on the same page about stuff like this - if you both fundamentally want different things, it's just not going to work.

I wish you luck.

PS - I have to say I don't agree that it's a double standard - or rather, I agree that it is, but I also feel that that's your right, to feel like that. Sharing her with a girl, you're comfortable with. Sharing her with a guy, you're not. Those are your limits and there's nothing wrong with them. But by the same token, her limits are hers, and there's nothing wrong with them, either. Like I said, it all comes down to compatibility.
 
'money and blood don't mix
Like two dicks and no bitch
Find yourself in serious shit...'
Biggie
This just reminds me of those lyrics, even though its not accurate

Two girls and a guy is a completely different dynamic than two guys and a girl.....

To put it bluntly:
If all she was after was someone else kissing her and caressing her at the same time, there would be no need for another dude...
Sounds like she wants two dicks at the same time, which doesnt really do anything for you, unless youre bi...

Ive had threesomes with my friend and another girl that hung out with us...It was a turn on....but it aint happenin' with my girlfriend...

I don't share my toothbrush with other dudes or loan out my underwear....youre not sticking your dick in my girlfriend...
Call me old fashioned, but hey....
 
If that's what my girlfriend wanted, I'd happily oblige her. It'd turn me on that she'd be turned on.
 
"I don't share my toothbrush with other dudes or loan out my underwear....you're not sticking your dick in my girlfriend...
Call me old fashioned, but hey.... " lol I love it

I am the same way a little old school but hey, I don't mind any thing the hell else but I don't want to see another dude in the bed room.
 
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