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Ghost fart says hello

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
1,297
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Hello.

I am Ghost fart. I hope that each and everyone of you are having a pleasant time. However, i know that it is not always possible at all. If that is the case, then i hope that the time you are having now is at least somehow tolerable. Male. 39 years. Finland. I found bluelight when i was googling about quitting invega sustenna (anti psychotic injection). I ended up on a Finnish site which is basically the butthole of the Finnish internet world. And i saw the Invega sustenna thread on bluelight mentioned there. So i started reading the thread. Reading other threads also. In about one hour, i was a member. Been posting a little bit already, and while i do not enjoy talking about myself, i thought that an introduction would be appropriate.

I was 15 years old. Had an OK relationship with my father back then. We were at summer cottage and he offered me dark rum and coca cola. So i started mixing the 2 and drinking them. After a while, i thought "Okay... this is what i want to do. This is the way i want to always feel" And that mindset kinda stuck with me. I am an alcoholic. I think i was 18 or so when weed stepped into the game. Another honeymoon... Grew it in a spare room i had. After some years, i ended up with a conclusion that free cannabis is way too expensive for me and there is no way i can afford it. I lost too many valuable things. Like social interactions, personal hygiene, taking care of things like boring bureaucracy and so on... So i quit growing, kept smoking in the buyer's role. And i got back the things i had lost. Other drugs heavily in the scenario at that point. I have no will to list them here, and i even can't. Let's just say that almost every trick in the book. Not heroin. I have never even seen it with my own eyes in real life. Not research chemicals. I have been obeying my 4 substance rule for a long long time now. Coffee, alcohol (when i drink, it is always beer... paranormal amounts) tobacco and cannabis. I am not too enthusiastic to obey. But if i slip from this, then i really fucking slip, and i refuse to do so. Hospitalized twice due to psychosis. 2006 (3 months involuntary treatment) 2009 (3 months involuntary treatment + 6 months voluntary treatment) So i think i know those hallways already, and i have no desire to return there. I like this illusion of a so-called freedom i have.

I also like children. Their purity. Honesty. Cuteness. Human rights, human value and humanity in general means really much to me. And without children there would be no future for the humankind. Therefore we, adults, must protect them and teach stuff to them. And play of course. I have been a princess. I have been a teenage mutant ninja turtle. I have been a cat with a fake fur "tail" hanging from the back of my jeans. And i love it. I do not want to become a father, because i am WAY too irresponsible for that kind of a serious, real duty. Fortunately some of my friends and relatives have kids and i can sometimes spend time with them. 100% sober then. I have somewhat suffered due to my own father's actions when i was a kid, and i refuse to cause those same feelings to those beings who are kids now. I like animals also. Total cat person. Every trait i dislike in humans, i admire in cats. Their selfishness, arrogance, self-assumed divinity, and being impossible to negotiate with. However, for some time now, i have had 2 American Bulldog friends and wow... just wow... Wonderful beings. Even the professional shoe thief kid boy bulldog. Same thing, i am WAY too irresponsible to have a cat here. 2 would fit here nicely also. But no. My friends and relatives have pets, so i guess in these regards, i am really fortunate and i feel genuine gratitude.

I am also a murderer. Had to murder the hatred within in me maybe 10 years ago or so. It grew too big and strong and threatened to swallow me. Causing severe self-destructive ways of behavior and mental suffering. So i was like "Okay, hatred within me, some fucking heads are going to fall now. It is me and God, against you and your stupid shit" so... RIP hatred. For that reason, i hate nothing. Sure, there are many many things i dislike. Many many thinks i loathe. Many many things which i think are immoral and wrong. But i can't hate, because hate is too strong, hate is too destructive, and in my books, it is dead.

I guess that is pretty much it. Pleased to be here. I am looking forward to conversations with you which are interesting, or funny, or deep and meaningful, or just a good way to spend some time.

With respect
-Ghost fart
 
@schizoinfective He’s from Finland, I believe he works for Finnish Medicines Agency.

@Ghost fart Welcome dude! First, let me say that I tremendously enjoyed reading your intro. I‘ll be looking forward to future posts and getting to know you more. Secondly, I dig the screen name - you made my night.

Also, I find it ironic that you were linked to BL via a Finnish website that is the butthole of the internet world. You’ve gone from the frying pan into the flame, my friend. You, Ghost fart have entered the butthole of all butthole sites. All sorts of buttholeness up in here.

I’m kidding of course. I’m so glad you found us here. BL is a wonderful community of people from all over, with all sorts of knowledge and experience. Collectively it’s a wealth of resources and everyone here is super helpful. Browse the forums and reach out to anyone.

Once again, welcome and stay safe.

Cheers
 
Ghost fart said:
Hello.

I am Ghost fart. I hope that each and everyone of you are having a pleasant time. However, i know that it is not always possible at all. If that is the case, then i hope that the time you are having now is at least somehow tolerable. Male. 39 years. Finland. I found bluelight when i was googling about quitting invega sustenna (anti psychotic injection). I ended up on a Finnish site which is basically the butthole of the Finnish internet world. And i saw the Invega sustenna thread on bluelight mentioned there. So i started reading the thread. Reading other threads also. In about one hour, i was a member. Been posting a little bit already, and while i do not enjoy talking about myself, i thought that an introduction would be appropriate.

I was 15 years old. Had an OK relationship with my father back then. We were at summer cottage and he offered me dark rum and coca cola. So i started mixing the 2 and drinking them. After a while, i thought "Okay... this is what i want to do. This is the way i want to always feel" And that mindset kinda stuck with me. I am an alcoholic. I think i was 18 or so when weed stepped into the game. Another honeymoon... Grew it in a spare room i had. After some years, i ended up with a conclusion that free cannabis is way too expensive for me and there is no way i can afford it. I lost too many valuable things. Like social interactions, personal hygiene, taking care of things like boring bureaucracy and so on... So i quit growing, kept smoking in the buyer's role. And i got back the things i had lost. Other drugs heavily in the scenario at that point. I have no will to list them here, and i even can't. Let's just say that almost every trick in the book. Not heroin. I have never even seen it with my own eyes in real life. Not research chemicals. I have been obeying my 4 substance rule for a long long time now. Coffee, alcohol (when i drink, it is always beer... paranormal amounts) tobacco and cannabis. I am not too enthusiastic to obey. But if i slip from this, then i really fucking slip, and i refuse to do so. Hospitalized twice due to psychosis. 2006 (3 months involuntary treatment) 2009 (3 months involuntary treatment + 6 months voluntary treatment) So i think i know those hallways already, and i have no desire to return there. I like this illusion of a so-called freedom i have.

I also like children. Their purity. Honesty. Cuteness. Human rights, human value and humanity in general means really much to me. And without children there would be no future for the humankind. Therefore we, adults, must protect them and teach stuff to them. And play of course. I have been a princess. I have been a teenage mutant ninja turtle. I have been a cat with a fake fur "tail" hanging from the back of my jeans. And i love it. I do not want to become a father, because i am WAY too irresponsible for that kind of a serious, real duty. Fortunately some of my friends and relatives have kids and i can sometimes spend time with them. 100% sober then. I have somewhat suffered due to my own father's actions when i was a kid, and i refuse to cause those same feelings to those beings who are kids now. I like animals also. Total cat person. Every trait i dislike in humans, i admire in cats. Their selfishness, arrogance, self-assumed divinity, and being impossible to negotiate with. However, for some time now, i have had 2 American Bulldog friends and wow... just wow... Wonderful beings. Even the professional shoe thief kid boy bulldog. Same thing, i am WAY too irresponsible to have a cat here. 2 would fit here nicely also. But no. My friends and relatives have pets, so i guess in these regards, i am really fortunate and i feel genuine gratitude.

I am also a murderer. Had to murder the hatred within in me maybe 10 years ago or so. It grew too big and strong and threatened to swallow me. Causing severe self-destructive ways of behavior and mental suffering. So i was like "Okay, hatred within me, some fucking heads are going to fall now. It is me and God, against you and your stupid shit" so... RIP hatred. For that reason, i hate nothing. Sure, there are many many things i dislike. Many many thinks i loathe. Many many things which i think are immoral and wrong. But i can't hate, because hate is too strong, hate is too destructive, and in my books, it is dead.

I guess that is pretty much it. Pleased to be here. I am looking forward to conversations with you which are interesting, or funny, or deep and meaningful, or just a good way to spend some time.

With respect
-Ghost fart
Click to expand...
You have such a dumb username for such a smart guy. I welcome thee! Youll fit right in.
 
Outlier said:
You have such a dumb username for such a smart guy. I welcome thee! Youll fit right in.
Click to expand...

Thank you :) very nice.

However, my username is not dumb. You are somehow confused now. I am the one, who is dumb. Not my username.

I used to feel like maybe i am not real. Maybe i am not alive. Maybe i am a ghost. Then i continued contemplating, and ended up with a conclusion that fuck it... I am not a ghost. I am a fart of a ghost. Therefore, Ghost fart. Invisible, undetected, under the radar. I know that it is hmm.... dunno the right term... delusional? nihilistic? dissociated? I am not a fart of a ghost, i am a human. I know it. But most of the times i feel like i am a fart of a ghost.
 
Ghost fart said:
Thank you :) very nice.

However, my username is not dumb. You are somehow confused now. I am the one, who is dumb. Not my username.

I used to feel like maybe i am not real. Maybe i am not alive. Maybe i am a ghost. Then i continued contemplating, and ended up with a conclusion that fuck it... I am not a ghost. I am a fart of a ghost. Therefore, Ghost fart. Invisible, undetected, under the radar. I know that it is hmm.... dunno the right term... delusional? nihilistic? dissociated? I am not a fart of a ghost, i am a human. I know it. But most of the times i feel like i am a fart of a ghost.
Click to expand...
I guess this one of the milder of the psychoses Ive seen here, seeing its invisible and doesnt smell.

welcome anyway

(you cant be serious? Never know what to expect here ln the realm of BL)
 
Outlier said:
I guess this one of the milder of the psychoses Ive seen here, seeing its invisible and doesnt smell.

welcome anyway

(you cant be serious? Never know what to expect here ln the realm of BL)
Click to expand...

Don't worry about it. I am serious. Yeah, i have smoked some weed and drank some beers right now as i write this. (8 x 0,33 liter beers, that is nothing in my reality. I will stop the beer drinking here. Due to having cannabis.)

I want to emphasize that ANYONE is free and welcomed to ask me ANYTHING. But i might not reply... This time i will reply.

My 2006 psychosis = I was using fucking everything. Not literally every drug, but a royal straight flush of dope anyway. I was not addicted to any other than the legal ones. Meaning coffee, tobacco and alcohol. And i was not addicted to any illegal substance. But i took them. A lot. I was not addicted to any illegal substance in particular, just addicted to get away. And for that reason, the illegal substances varied a lot, so i did not develop an addiction. I seriously thought that i am the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. I mean i REALLY believed it. Psychosis. It felt good. My mind felt crystal clear. No thirst, no hunger, no fatigue. I did not feel good afterwards, with an involuntary treatment in a mental asylum for 3 months. Kinda hard awakening, i would dare to say. Still can't get it... I am not religious, and i have never believed in any religious doctrines to the full.. I have believed in God for about 2 decades. Firm belief, and i think nothing can change that or shake that.

My 2009 psychosis = Yep, an anti psychotic medication was started after the 2006 episode... pill form. Zyprexa. I quit them. I asked no one, not a friend, not a doctor, not myself. I just quit them. During the 3 years between these 2 psychotic episodes, i had been doing the same old same old.. all the legal ones, and the illegal drugs varied. So what happened, was that i REALLY believed and i REALLY thought that benevolent aliens are going to show up here, on Earth, and carry away all the good people with them... Basically to leave all this mess behind. Same thing, in that regard, as the first psychosis, that i felt and endless amount of energy, no thirst, no hunger, no fatigue. This is not stimulant stuff, this is long term without taking any drugs. Again 3 months, mental asylum. Involuntary. After that, i voluntarily stayed for another 6 months.

I am not psychotic now, and i have not been psychotic since the fall of 2009.

Thank you for the reply!

Ps. I understand that it is hard to know in advance, what to expect from someone new on a forum like this. I can say what can be expected from me: Lots of music links. Posting to already existing threads where i want to post my reply for whatever reason. Possibility of me getting "triggered" then i blast my fucking opinion, without the need to emphasize anything. It will be clear for all without emphasiz. But i will not use Ad Hominem arguments. Unless it is known that it is clearly a joke insult :)
 
Ghost fart said:
Don't worry about it. I am serious. Yeah, i have smoked some weed and drank some beers right now as i write this. (8 x 0,33 liter beers, that is nothing in my reality. I will stop the beer drinking here. Due to having cannabis.)

I want to emphasize that ANYONE is free and welcomed to ask me ANYTHING. But i might not reply... This time i will reply.

My 2006 psychosis = I was using fucking everything. Not literally every drug, but a royal straight flush of dope anyway. I was not addicted to any other than the legal ones. Meaning coffee, tobacco and alcohol. And i was not addicted to any illegal substance. But i took them. A lot. I was not addicted to any illegal substance in particular, just addicted to get away. And for that reason, the illegal substances varied a lot, so i did not develop an addiction. I seriously thought that i am the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. I mean i REALLY believed it. Psychosis. It felt good. My mind felt crystal clear. No thirst, no hunger, no fatigue. I did not feel good afterwards, with an involuntary treatment in a mental asylum for 3 months. Kinda hard awakening, i would dare to say. Still can't get it... I am not religious, and i have never believed in any religious doctrines to the full.. I have believed in God for about 2 decades. Firm belief, and i think nothing can change that or shake that.

My 2009 psychosis = Yep, an anti psychotic medication was started after the 2006 episode... pill form. Zyprexa. I quit them. I asked no one, not a friend, not a doctor, not myself. I just quit them. During the 3 years between these 2 psychotic episodes, i had been doing the same old same old.. all the legal ones, and the illegal drugs varied. So what happened, was that i REALLY believed and i REALLY thought that benevolent aliens are going to show up here, on Earth, and carry away all the good people with them... Basically to leave all this mess behind. Same thing, in that regard, as the first psychosis, that i felt and endless amount of energy, no thirst, no hunger, no fatigue. This is not stimulant stuff, this is long term without taking any drugs. Again 3 months, mental asylum. Involuntary. After that, i voluntarily stayed for another 6 months.

I am not psychotic now, and i have not been psychotic since the fall of 2009.

Thank you for the reply!

Ps. I understand that it is hard to know in advance, what to expect from someone new on a forum like this. I can say what can be expected from me: Lots of music links. Posting to already existing threads where i want to post my reply for whatever reason. Possibility of me getting "triggered" then i blast my fucking opinion, without the need to emphasize anything. It will be clear for all without emphasiz. But i will not use Ad Hominem arguments. Unless it is known that it is clearly a joke insult :)
Click to expand...
Alright awesome man. I'm with some experience in the psychosis department myself from my use of crystal meth and neurological stage of autoimmune disease and it's been dragging me down. I've long since become aware that I'm in a psychosis when I am in one, since I had my first major break in 2018. It dissipated over time and since then I've learned to cope when I get back into them, at least for the most part. RIght now my family doctor has be off all of my meds if I even WANTED them unless I make an appointment. I was being asked to do urinalysis for my Vyvanse (doesn't want me on meth + vyvanse go figure) and because I stopped showing up wanting to be a no show over getting cut off potentially I haven't been... however I kept getting my pills because my doctor put a DOZEN refills on the shit. So whatever.

I just kept getting the script and all my others which was fine. But now because of this bullshit with this doctor all of my meds have been taken away. Including my heart medications. I'm going to be talking to a doctor via telehealth today later on about another issue. Since I'm thinking about this I'll make sure I get some of my meds back. The lithium, the seroquel and/or abilify, the heart meds, the gabapentin. Can't do shit about the Lorazepam but whatever. I'm drinking anyway.
 
Outlier said:
Alright awesome man. I'm with some experience in the psychosis department myself from my use of crystal meth and neurological stage of autoimmune disease and it's been dragging me down. I've long since become aware that I'm in a psychosis when I am in one, since I had my first major break in 2018. It dissipated over time and since then I've learned to cope when I get back into them, at least for the most part. RIght now my family doctor has be off all of my meds if I even WANTED them unless I make an appointment. I was being asked to do urinalysis for my Vyvanse (doesn't want me on meth + vyvanse go figure) and because I stopped showing up wanting to be a no show over getting cut off potentially I haven't been... however I kept getting my pills because my doctor put a DOZEN refills on the shit. So whatever.

I just kept getting the script and all my others which was fine. But now because of this bullshit with this doctor all of my meds have been taken away. Including my heart medications. I'm going to be talking to a doctor via telehealth today later on about another issue. Since I'm thinking about this I'll make sure I get some of my meds back. The lithium, the seroquel and/or abilify, the heart meds, the gabapentin. Can't do shit about the Lorazepam but whatever. I'm drinking anyway.
Click to expand...

Oh... that is heavy stuff... I have no advice for you, but i offer my sympathy. This caught my eye "including my heart medications"... heart medication sounds legal, necessary and something you can not function without, at least without a risk. I do not know about these things very well, but to me this seems like unethical conduct of profession to me.
 
btechlc said:
Welcome to BL!



Seems like this stuff is getting used more and more. Have noticed an uptick in threads / posts about it.

Best of luck mate coming off that shit. I have never taken it so cant relate - but what I have read does not sound fun.
Click to expand...


Thank you for your supporting and encouraging words, mate.

I have no idea about current rise in invega use. I have been injected with it for maybe 5 or 6 years now. Risperidone (risperdal) injections before that. Zyprexa in pill form before that. If i would guess, i would think that invega injections went "popular" many years ago. And now people are getting sick and tired (literally) of invega, and stopping it. I can't blame them. I am one of them, and i try to be done with blaming myself.

Here is how it all happened: Mental health care, in Finland, is completely in the gutter. The reason for that, is that all resources of health care are focused to a seasonal flu. Sure, the seasonal flu has been rebranded to give it a more scary sounding "corona" name. Sure, that "corona" has killed millions. It is real. Flu kills some weak ones. What is fucking insane, is the way that this corona has been absolutely blown out of proportion. The way it has been politically weaponized via mainstream media. In order for the ruling elite to cause fear to the masses. Yeah whatever... So i tried to get my shots. Repeatedly. Calling with phone. There was one week, when from Monday to Friday, every morning, a few seconds after 8 AM i called to health center. Line busy. Pressed star button on the phone so they would call me back. After 4 PM, when the clinic closes, i receive a text that due to too much patients, they were unable to call me back. This is not a PLANdemic issue... It is just fucked up health care. I know what you think now... "Schedule the appointment online" well, online you can schedule an appointment, and you see 3 months of appointments ahead, all taken... (i need 10 minutes with a nurse who injects the shit into my arm. It is intramuscular... inside the muscle, not the vain)

So i was getting kinda desperate but not totally desperate. I wanted my injection. I asked from friends, if someone would happen to know a nurse, i will give like 20 or 30 euros for the nurse if the nurse injects me with invega. No one knew one. Then i was like what if i go to google, and learn how to do an injection to myself inside the muscle. I REALLY dislike the way it feels, when a needle penetrates the skin. I know. Invega... risperidon... Blood tests. And i thought that without prior experience of injecting anything, it is not a good idea to try that. I should get injected every 4 weeks. I think it is 3 months when i last got injected. (these amounts of time vary from thread to thread, and reply to reply, because my memory sucks.)

Feeling okay. Coming down from a mild beer buzz, smoking weed and tobacco here. Water is what i drink here, coffee is for tomorrow morning. Actually... i went to see a couple i know really well, earlier today. The man had to leave for a few hours, so i was there with his girlfriend. It was nice, as always, we have huge amounts of trust and we have really cool conversations, and we hug when we see and when we go our separate ways. I like to hug :) Does not matter to me, if it is a woman or a man i hug, it just feels really good... Yeah well at one point she said that she feels good, that she sees me with occasional smile on my face. And almost cheerful... And at nights, when i sleep or try to sleep, i have felt physical sensations on my face muscles, that some of them are coming back to do muscle things, and i have not used them after the millennium changed. That is when i forgot how to party, and i just started using shit to numb the pain and to escape.
 
Yo! I want to add one thing about me, which i learned yesterday. I have known that all my teen/adult life, but now i know the term for it. I am a demisexual.

"Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. They can be gay, straight, bisexual, or pansexual, and may have any gender identity. The prefix “demi” means half — which can refer to being halfway between sexual and asexual."

I have never ever had a one night stand. And i am pretty sure that i never will.

So, there. Now you know me a little bit better again :)
 
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Tervetuloa! Hauska nähdä, että muitakin suomalaisia tääl. Olihan täällä yks ihan modekin, mut en oo sit ihan varma mitä kyseiselle kaverille kävi. Mukava heppu, eipä siinä mitään - toivottavasti streittas. Ite lähinnä käyn spedeilemässä täällä kännissä, jaksa enää vinkuu täällä päivii pitkii, ku vihoin alkaa olee omakin pakka kasassa :D Nyt on flunssassa tai sit koronarokotteesta johtuvat oireet niin ei voi käydä puntil, joten salmaripullo tässä kainalossa tekee helvetin hyvää. Jeesaa ainakin yskään.
Mikä vointi?
 
DeadManWalkin' said:
Tervetuloa! Hauska nähdä, että muitakin suomalaisia tääl. Olihan täällä yks ihan modekin, mut en oo sit ihan varma mitä kyseiselle kaverille kävi. Mukava heppu, eipä siinä mitään - toivottavasti streittas. Ite lähinnä käyn spedeilemässä täällä kännissä, jaksa enää vinkuu täällä päivii pitkii, ku vihoin alkaa olee omakin pakka kasassa :D Nyt on flunssassa tai sit koronarokotteesta johtuvat oireet niin ei voi käydä puntil, joten salmaripullo tässä kainalossa tekee helvetin hyvää. Jeesaa ainakin yskään.
Mikä vointi?
Click to expand...
Kiitos! :giggle:

Vointi on ihan siedettävä. Dokaillu hiukan liikaa taas viime aikoina, mutta sain hommattua eilen vähän kannabista ja se auttaa mua, alkoholismin suhteen. Jotain flunssan oireita itelläkin, mut niin niin pieniä ja mitättömiä ettei jaksa ajatella sitä sen enempää.

Upeaa lukea, että sulla "alkaa olee omakin pakka kasassa", se on aina hienoo jos joku valuu suht pohjalle, ja taistelee itsensä ylös sieltä. Ne on selviytymistarinoita, jotka antaa mullekin jotain toivonkipinää.

Mukavaa sunnuntaita sulle (y)
 
Ghost fart you are going to be a fine moderator one day. Just keep at it with the love and compassion towards others. ♥️
Am glad you landed here at Bluelight.
 
Usually when a Say hello to a New Bluelighter thread gets started they usually get bashed by Diz or a handful of other BL's at least I did :( Anyways, was in the Hospital for a week against my will and I wasn't even that hurt. They tried to get a dime out of Cox when damn knowing
south park tree fiddy GIF
 
Coxenormous said:
on the plus side, I got a hot nurses number. Score!
Click to expand...
Cox, you may got cute looks I'll give you that but your personality is a hot mess.
I'm not saying you're a bad dude, we have fun talking sometimes - but your life situation seems to be a bit mess. Hopefully you'll get things going well for you.
 
DeadManWalkin' said:
Cox, you may got cute looks I'll give you that but your personality is a hot mess.
I'm not saying you're a bad dude, we have fun talking sometimes - but your life situation seems to be a bit mess. Hopefully you'll get things going well for you.
Click to expand...
As of right now things are going, I don't care about my life style I just go with the flow
 
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