Mental Health Getting professional help

[Abject]

Okay guys, I have an app. with a psychiatrist in 2 weeks time.
I have seen 2 other psychiatrists previous to this, and tried 2 different SSRI's.
I can't conceive how this person could help. I have no expectation that he will be of any use, and I have very little hope.
With that being said, what can I do to best help him help me?
I have been depressed for about 4 years now, and I was diagnosed with Schizoid Personaliy Disorder by the previous psychiatrists, even though it fit less then than it does now (although maybe that's saying something)
Even so, I do not feel that it is my problem.
It is all about what I feel, and what I don't feel, as opposed to my personality.

I'm trying real hard not to kill myself, but my life has no worth.
Existence has no appeal, there is nothing I want.
I don't see any possible solution, only annihilation.
I want to give this guy all I can, but I don't know what the fuck would help.

 

[spork]

Be completely honest with him. This way he'll be able to do what he can to help you in a way that works for YOU. Something I like to do when I have a psychiatrist appointment or any important appointment really is to make a list of my concerns, symptoms, or whatever it is I want to talk to them about. I bring the list with me. If I don't do this, oftentimes the appointment will just kind of fly out of my hands and after I'll feel like I haven't really said or asked what I needed to.

I hope these things help and please keep staying strong.

 

[BettyRage]

That's great advice. The only thing I will add is to think about the goals you want to reach in therapy. Maybe you can't exactly say what those are right now, but just keep it under your hat. Be thinking about it. And good luck! Let us know how it goes!

 

[fifleman]

I agree with spork and BettyRage.

Be truthful about yourself to him. Don't worry about what "should" be said or what he "wants" to hear. Speak from your heart and soul. How you are feeling or what you are thinking is not wrong and is not right. It just is because you are unique and are requiring a guide on your path. How cool, man. I get excited to go to a counselor or another professional because, if I keep my ears open, I usually get another stone to add to my path.

You will be OK.

 

[herbavore]

Abject, I recommend talking to him/her about what has and hasn't worked. Whenever I go to the doctor for anything serious (mental or physical) I say, "if this were you or your child, what would you try?"

If you are going to try a certain SSRI, read up on it and ask about all the side effects--what to be on the lookout for.

Have you ever done any "body work" or visualization? When therapy failed me and I didn't want to turn to a drug/medicine, I tried someone who did body work. I felt suspicious at first and almost embarrassed--like I was being idiotic and doing something stupid. This kind of thinking is a result of our culture's emphasis on our bodies as mere packages--just superficial parts of ourselves that are all about looks. But pain and trauma live in the body and to try to heal with words alone cannot always touch the deep places where self-destruction takes root. I think this is what makes us so susceptible to looking for something to ingest to make us feel better. You might check into alternatives to western therapy/medicines since you have tried that route. (I'm not necessarily suggesting instead of, but in addition to.) Good luck, Abject. I know how much strength you have been using just to hang on. Your kind and empathetic and encouraging words to others on these boards is what gives me faith for you. I hope you can find some relief.

 

[Abject]

Thanks for all the replies guys.

I'm just going to preface this by saying I've been having one of those days and I feel pretty fucking shit right now, but I think it'd be more rude of me to leave the reply longer than my potential slip ups from all this agitation.

I will be honest, but I've nothing to say. Sure, I could say that I feel bad. I could say that I lack motivation/drive, and want nothing out of existence. I could say life has no appeal, existence no worth.
I could say I am exhausted, and sick of feeling this way. I could say I am coming to my wits end, I could say that I am utterly disgusted.
I could talk about my apathy. I could talk about how lonely I get, about how disconnect and disjointed everything is. I could talk about this emptiness.
I could talk about what a piece of shit I am.
I could talk about how downtrodden I am, how I lack the will to go on, how I-

I don't feel the need to say or ask anything. I don't askdhxkldghjklsdaghdjklsagdjksalgdjklas
I don't know what to say. There's nothing to work through, my issue is not with thoughts.

I am just fucking sick of this. I don't want to live.



Oh god I am having such a bad fucking dadysaiodhysakl;dfhsdkl;a

I didn't mean to waste your guys' time;
Feel free to lock this thread

 

[woopsadaisy]

Hey Abject....even ur moniker sounds dejected. think |I probably feel similar to you. I had real bad depression when I was 19-22, then 2 years ago it came back, i'm now 35. I often think I have nothing to live for blah, blah etc. I find it helps though to think "Am I actually in so much mental anguish right now that I can't make it through the day?" or even better "I know I have no hope I can't see how I will ever get better, but, hell I can make it through the next month, even if I would prefer not to, it ain't so bad!"

When really it is bad, but you know it's not complete torture, close, but not, so u can keep going,. I don't mean stepping forward or trying, I just mean you can go through another month of this shit.
Well I hope you get me

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

There's no reason for this thread to be locked.

That post, that is what you should bring up to your psych. I know when you're sitting in their office everything you want to ask/talk about just slips your mind. Be honest straight up and tell them that you don't feel like they can help you (but also add that you're willing to try). If it's a good psych they will put in the effort to help.

Tell them that your previous medication isn't doing anything, that you feel your current problems don't stem from SPD, that it isn't your thoughts troubling you. Rather than spending time writing a list all in one go, just have a notebook near you and when you think of something, write it down immediately. Within a few days you'll have your list.

I hope things get better for you soon.

 

[Abject]

Well, I went to my apt today.
He was the best psychiatrist I've seen so far, actually listened to me and tried to understand instead of assuming.
He was really trying to work with me, and I just wish I could have assisted him more.
I told him I express myself much better in writing than talking, and he asked if I could bring along some of my writing if I am comfortable.
I tried scouring through my old account, but didn't really find anything suitable.
I don't know what to tell him.

We touched on the subject of connection/bonding/human interaction, as I'd expressed I've been very solitary the past few years.
One thing I will write about for him, is how the only times my life has felt worthy has been when I am emotionally intimate with a woman,
although I know the level of dependence is unhealthy, and unsustainable.
All of my worth, my desire, my will to live, originates from another person who will inevitably leave.



I just don't know where to start. I don't know what to say.

I am feeling a bit hopeful though, if only because he is a reasonable person.

I am also glad he threw out my SPD diagnosis, and wants to actually understand me instead of pigeon-holing me in one session.

 

[FnX]

I'm happy to hear that you found a psychiatrist that actually listens and tries to understand, they seem to be a rare kind these days. I had a lot of issues with suicidal ideation in the past too and I really just wanted to die more than anything, it's a very dark place to be in. Over many years I was prescribed, among other things, various anti-depressants drugs which didn't really seem to help except for one. None of the SSRIs helped, but Agomelatine really worked somehow to remove the desire to kill myself when I took it for about six months I think, I can't remember exactly for how long I had to take it, but all the suicidal thoughts are gone even months after stopping it.

Hopefully though you won't need any meds to get better.

 

[Abject]

Thank you FnX, I hope you're doing better now.
This is what I've come up with so far, but I'm not sure.

As I said in our first session, I find it very hard to express myself, and even more so by talking.
One issue I have is feeling converse/opposite emotions simultaneously. I feel as though feeling one extreme is much healthier than a dysfunctional mixture of things.
For example, being quite apathetic whilst still caring too much to let go. The general uncertainty of everything coupled with the certainty of my emotions. The chaos within the stagnation.

I am the repercussion of the cymbal after it is violently struck, the strike cannot by revoked, and I have but one ultimate path. This path is filled with many possible variations, but everything is constantly moving.
My entire range of emotion feels like a circle, a wobbly circle. There are small variations here and there, but in the end it has one form, and the circle never actually breaks. It always comes back to that true state.

I am lost, just drifting around, though I'm not really getting anywhere. I've no place to aim for, no reason to get there, no energy to focus, no purpose, nor meaning, nor will.

I lack awareness of my situation, let alone understanding, so it is hard for me to convey it to you.
I am forced to experience this, as it's effects are seen through my demeanour/disposition/actions, yet it's only an awareness of the effect and not the cause.

I feel as if I am in a different place to everyone else. I am disconnected; there is a disconnect between reality and my perception of it.

My mum shows me all of this love and support, yet none of it gets through. I feel none of it, as I see it given to me.

Most of my thoughts lose motion, they don't finish, or they're broken before they're even conceived.

If I was more aware of things, I would be able to assess my issues better.

Everything is hazy and disjointed. I am empty, and lacking. I am in a different place.

The only time my life feels worth while, like something I want, is when I am emotionally intimate with a woman.
All of my worth/value, everything good I feel, is coming from her instead of me, which is unhealthy and unsustainable.
The level of dependence and attachment that arises so quickly leaves me absolutely ruined when things break down.


I also found this, from a few weeks ago. I think I might change/remove some parts regarding killing myself.

I lack a genuine will to live, valued existence, worth within, and desire for the opportunities/possibilities of life.

I do find my emotions to be irrational, especially through simultaneous opposites. I mean, there are objective things that oppose my subjective state of mind.

There is a disconnect between reality and experience.

The little shreds attachment and care, just enough to hold you here, against your entire emotional (the most actively felt) desire, within the apathy and indifference.

The objective connection in a disconnected mind.

The perpetual flow of the present experienced by a disjointed mind.

The objective worth of the possible/potential time that is your future, even though that is predicated on your present self, to whom existence has no worth.

The chaos within this stagnation.

I think the thing that usually pushes me to the brink of suicide is disgust.

Utterly sick of all of it, fed up of the shit which I am the source for.

It makes it so hard. I live with my mother, and I know she has only shown me love, but I simply cannot be grateful for this existence I have been given.

I feel so bad when I focus on the pain she will feel when I kill myself, and I feel so incapacitated by this whole thing called existence.

I feel like I owe my life to her, like it isn’t mine to throw away. I am my own being, if there is one single thing everyone owns it is their being.

It all feels so wrong.

I just-

And as for feeling like shit, I think that is only a natural progression of depression.

When all you feel is shit, you become shit.

Your entire demeanour is based upon desires, be it emotional, logical, objective, subjective, forced, chosen, etc.

It is all about what you want to do.

When you do not care, when you don’t want you’re existence, when you’re trying to waste away all this time because you don’t actually want it-

I am a piece of shit, and it is because of the way I feel. It is because of the feelings I lack, the state of mind that is inherent to my being.

I cannot change this. I have the choice to deal with it, to keep existing for existence sake. I can defy my only genuine desire in the cesspool of shit that is my life. The aggregation of each moment I have experienced, each blending into the next, all held together by the constant that is my depression.

I can’t be grateful for this. Existence is not a gift.

My entire reality consists of the desire to get rid of it, to stop it, to escape it, to distract myself from it.

I do not want this.

This very phenomenon, is in one mangled integration of so many bad emotions I’m not even aware of half of them,

but I am forced to experience their effects through the repercussions of my actions and lifestyle, and I am completely aware of their existence.

I have no way to explore them, or cease them. This is not a matter of thought.

Everything just feels fucked.

I feel ruined.


The awareness of this void pulls me deeper in,
annihilating nothing as it was already lacking, these malevolent illusions of care and hope only serve to assail me with these crushing juxtapositions.

The incessant judder of these opposites, arising simultaneously and in varying degrees-

Thrown into this abject barrenness, I am trapped.

There is no solution.

Only an end.

 

[Vaya]

Abject, it's distressing to read the way that you feel about yourself. Attempt to not just post what you feel, but re-read the words you have written. Those words - Words of the purity of feeling that intertwines fingers with emotion at all times - Are the words that your doctor needs to be subjected to.

In many ways, therapy failed me, too. CBT, ACT, psycho-analytic, play-therapy, ad nauseum. But then there are other, more inward-directed forms of therapy one can engage in. Ask questions of yourself. Probe yourself. You are the gatekeeper to your soul - and, indeed, we all have souls, despite ones we may, at one time or another, feel may not be worth keeping from the icy grip of self-destruction and death.

For there are reasons that you feel the way that you do. Though I have worked in the mental health field in different aspects for several years, I have so little faith in DSM-IV TR diagnostic criteria that the term "Schizoid Personality Disorder" is nothing more than a label to describe a general subset of symptoms that a person may find themselves suffering from at a particular time. Like, for instance, "Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder," this form of terminology can leave you feeling as though you've been excised from the rest of society. Outcasted. Bereft. These are untrue.

One fantastic iota that questioning my own self in my moments of deepest despair has yielded has to do with the field of Health Psychology. Are you familiar? If not, Here is Wikipedia's extrapolation on the subject. Essentially, what I have come to believe is a core foundation of Health Psychology's values - that the mind and the body are inextricably intertwined. And the connection is cyclical.

A brief example: When I feel moody, or disgusted with myself, or hate my self image, I tend to lapse into depression whose grip on me becomes decidedly tighter than it was prior to allowing myself to "sink into the swamp." Now I still have all those feelings, but they are coupled with crippling despair, depression and hopelessness. When I feel especially depressed, my unwavering tendency is to stop taking care of myself; brushing my teeth seems a triviality, and to hell with flossing and mouthwash. Showering becomes a dispensable activity, and I find myself doing it only to warm up during these frigid Winter months. My diet goes to hell - that is, if I can muster the energy and motivation to eat at all.

The result? I end up back where I was. I loathe myself - I'm disgusting, smelly, unkempt, unattractive and unhealthy. And so goes the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Taking simple steps (and by simple, I mean simple... I began flossing this week for the first time in [insert embarrassingly long time here] just two days ago, and it's a wonder, the effect that something so seemingly trivial would have on my psychic environment. But "health & wellness" need not merely be a marketing phrase for The Vitamin Shoppe and GNC; for me, the two - in tandem - have become a way of life. And it is perhaps, through this prism of perspective alongside the diligence of routine, this avenue that you may find to be of personal comfort whilst you await divulging yourself to a mental health professional.

The two together - health & wellness and psychotherapy - may indeed remove any need for silly DSM-IV categorizations. For you are more than a categorization. You are a beautiful human life, struggling to discover itself in its truest brilliancy.



~ Vaya

 

[herbavore]

Abject, here is what I admire about you: You speak your truth. It is as if you are in a boat on a strong current. You see what is ahead and it is annihilation, whether it is a long slow battering or whether it is a graceful arcing dive, whether it takes minutes or days or years, one way or another you are going over those falls. You are true to the truth you see and feel. You see the horror in it, the futility of resistance, the deafening reality of death and yet, like every other human being born you have the biological instinct to live. But you have no oars, no way to turn that little boat and so every other aspect of reality drops away and there is only that loneliness. And, as you face that gaping maw of truth, people are throwing you toothpicks and frantically calling out, "Row! Row!" I've been one of the toothpick throwers, telling you things like, "It will get better" or "You can change your thoughts". Believe me, I know that in the scope of things, those are toothpicks that will never turn that boat around. But there is a lot of beauty in all the toothpick throwing. People take their eyes off the impending falls that they themselves are also headed for to remind themselves and each other that for now at least, we are still afloat, and there is great beauty in the river. You are not one to sugarcoat. You have your eyes open and you say what you see. This is rarely comfortable. I admire your courage and your honesty. I think there is a middle way that does not run in fear from the truth of existence--that we all are moving towards our own private extinction--and yet this middle way allows one to stop in each full, beautiful moment, recognizing the particular beauty of the river right where you are now--regardless of the brevity.

Many people have the task of groping their way to seeing what you so easily see when they seek therapy. You are just coming in from a different angle and what you are groping your way towards is different. Seeing the world as you do and talking about it so frankly makes people want to talk you out of your vision. I don't want to talk you out of it, I just want to advocate for expanding it.

I am really, really glad that you have found a psychiatrist willing to listen. You have a lot to say.

 

[brimz]

I was just about to make a thread that was for people with Mental Health / Dual Diagnosis .
Mental Health & Problematic Drug use / Addiction go hand in hand in so many ways .

 

[Abject]

Thank you so much for your replies.

I feel as if I owe to you, nay, that you deserve to read something just as great.
Unfortunately, I am unable to fulfil that earning, but I would like to let you know from the depth of my heart that I thank you, and am grateful for your time and thoughts.

Herby, that is such a wonderful analogy.
I think you're like a forest, full of all this potential to help, always growing and giving, through the good and the bad you remain resolute and continue to blossom.
It is in your acceptance and support that so many people find comfort, and healing.
Thank you for not being a toothpick. Thank you for being a forest, a forest that I could cut down and shape into toothpicks, or oars, or wooden hearts, or simply frolic in, gazing at the absolute beauty that you are.
You are a truly amazing person, and you help me with my cynicism just by being.
Thank you.

 

[Abject]

Just got back from my second appointment. All he really wanted to discuss was family history, and I said that I don't mean to offend him but I can't see what relevance this has to me, but I also acknowledged that this is about helping him help me, and if this seemingly useless information would be of any use to him then I'll talk it up.
I didn't bring in any writings, as it didn't seem suitable.
I have another appointment in a weeks time, and I still can't fathom how talking is going to help at all, but I have to try.
I also just started Cymbalta (duloxetine) my first SNRI, after 2 SSRI's failed me.
Here's to wanting to want to live.

 

[spork]

For me, talking helps me realize how I might have gotten to where my current mindset is. It helps me to learn what I might have to do to start feeling better. I also feel like having someone to talk to that doesn't know the people I'm talking about or the situations to be incredibly liberating. It can be a long process, but it has really helped me.

I'm glad you want to live and are making an effort to help yourself.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Abject, it sounds like your doc is trying to get you to go over past events/family history to try and narrow down what issues are there, even if you don't recognize something as an issue it might have had an influence that built up to where you are today.

It may not be helpful to you but it helps the doctor know where to start. Hopefully the new medication has a positive effect for you.

 

[Abject]

Thanks for all the support guys

 

[Abject]

It is becoming more apparent that there is no help for me.