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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Fucked up - Big time

Stato, your rage is understandable but underneath the frustration and despair I can also hear you very loudly and clearly saying you want help.So is there any way to channel the rage away from smashing your computers to advocating for yourself and getting the help you deserve. (You are absolutely right that they never should have released you that day from the hospital in that state). That is in the past now and may or may not be able to be revisited once you get some help for the bipolar. I have many bipolar friends and know that finding the right meds can be tricky but you do not have to become a zombie. I hope that you get some relief soon.<3
 
Thanks Guys,

I'm just taking it day by day.... Have applied to change premises to a better location where I will have more alone time and whatnot.

I took somewhere around 300mg mirtazapine yesterday... the rest of my prescription... and in a day somewhere around 100mg valium. Knowing I wouldn't die.... I just wanted to sleep, and I'm only allowed to take what is prescribed! Unfortunately.

<snip>
I juiced 2 grapefruits and drank the juice prior, and have been drinking 30% grapefruit juice drink since... Trying to get my best bang for buck by use of the grapefruit effect :)

Clearly not what you all want to hear....

All I have left in my stash is:

2x 30mg Codiene / APAP / Doxylamine
2x 10mg Temazepam (Can't have these, not prescribed!)
4x 5mg Diazepam

I really need something for sleep, It's doing my head in. As I said above I took most of my valium and mirtazapine just trying to sleep, which worked but now I'm out!

Any suggestions? My doctor is of course reluctant in prescribing any benzos... Perhaps I should chase a temazepam script? I am reluctant in taking zolpidem/stilnox as I've been "awake" and doing things on it while not remembering a thing.. This could lead me to walking out the door breaking my bail!

Thoughts?

Some days I'm good... Others I just want to die.... Today was a good day.
 
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Hey Stato, glad to hear that today was a good day!:) I guess it is normal to have ups and downs when you have so much going on. When you are experiencing the down times just try to tell yourself to let go of everything except what is truly happening in the moment. Don't worry about what is going to happen in the future nor what has already happened.Just be in your body and deal with only that reality.

On the other hand, when you are feeling good, you can take time to feel grateful for that. Breathe deep, stretch and let yourself smile. Prolong the pleasure<3!
 
Sorry this is going to come off as dickish since this reply isn't very helpful, but I promise you its NOT posted with anger or judgement.

If you get upset and take that many benzos and fuck up that much shit..then I'm sorry but the LAST thing you should be scripted is benzos. You obviously can't handle the responsibility of not going overboard. MAYBE it could work if you gave the bottle to your parents so they could make sure you don't take more than your daily dose.

Also-- You can't blame your problems on our healthcare system (or lack there of) Life is a roller coaster with ups an downs. And unfortunately it generally has more downs then ups (especially for use addicts) Point being, you have to learn to ride it. Not blame everyone else when you fall off.

Its pretty difficult to self diagnose yourself with bipolar disorder. For example..i most definitely can go from happy to sad within seconds. But thats not because I'm bipolar. I USED to think it was, but I talked to a psych (something you REALLY should do..) and we discovered its not that at all. I just have used drugs ever since i was 14ish so any time I have a problem I self medicate. Therefore I've never once in my youth or even early adult life learned how to deal with the stresses and bullshit life throws at us. I was so acustomed to using the all popular "drug crutch" every time something little popped up.

Talk to a psych. Take a break from meds. Find the roots to all the major problems you have. Get your life back on track.
 
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