Relapse FUCK.ME.SIDEWAYS :(

[tubgirl.jpg]

10 months. I've been clean from heroin for 10 months.
8 years ago I took my first Tramadol.
6 years ago I did heroin for the first time. And time went by.
27th of june 2020 I did my final bag of heroin.

And now I sit with this brown powder infront of me. I have been staring at it for two hours.
I'm unable to throw it away. I don't want to do this. But I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I'm so disappointed in myself.
And I can't tell anyone. They're all tired of my constant fuck-ups.
Things were actually starting to resolve themselves. I really thought it was over.
I have my life back. My friends. I have a niece now. What a fool I am.

I burned down everything for this, an entire life I spent 10 years building up, reduced to ashes.
I've racked up debt I will never be able to pay off.
I hurt people in horrible ways to get this. I was almost shot because of this.
I'm still on the run because of this.

And I again I feel that hopelessness. I feel tired.
I want out. I want to be anybody else but me.

I'm sorry for sitting here and feelin pity for myself.
I brought this all on me, nobody forced me to do anything, I know that.
I just had to vent.

I think I just broke my finger punching into the concrete wall in frustration and rage and I want to cry. I want to just fucking scream.

Fuck me, I can't do this again.

 

[Jabberwocky]

argh sorry to read this @pulverstaden - please don't beat yourself up. none of this detracts from the amazing feat of getting 10 months clean. nor does it mean you'll go back to square one.

i used after 18 months clean, scored twice over 3 days, then stopped. then about 6 months after that i had a week of using continuously. had to do a pretty horrific rattle but got through it. having your life back will make it much easier not to go straight back into a daily habit.

i get wanting to be anyone else but you. i often feel the same. its ok to just ride with these feelings sometimes but fundamentally you'll be happier if you can reach acceptance with who you are. feel a bit hypocritical saying that cos i have not achieved anything like that.