I'm 36. Married. Compared to most I have two beautiful kids. One boy. One girl. I have such a smart and beautiful wife. I have a job that I really enjoy, but since falling off the wagon 8 months ago, after almost 6 years. I just have ZERO self control. Oxy, norco, Vic I've tried mscontin. There's nothing I just won't consume to get high. Short of Heroin, that would be so much cheaper. It's amazing I have zero ability to stay clean. I can go for hours and not be bothered with stopping for anything. Between Sunday starting around 2pm and Monday around 11am I'd consumed 31 Eff'in norco. 20 by way of CWE and 11 by chewing them. So the. Monday when I realize what I've done. Full blow panic attack. I'm going to die. It's almost my so s birthday. He's been having fears of me dying. How can I fuck up everything!!!! It's so exhausting. It's Thursday now. I've, other than exhaustion, had sweating but my fear of APAP overdose will not subside. How can one be so blessed with so many amazing and wonderful things in their life. Yet addiction drives past all rational behavior. It's addiction. I'm not fooling anyone. I'm an addict. The tiredness and sweating could completely be triggered by coming off 80s of OC or 1 gram of hydro at a time. Do I care. Yes. I was driving home last night and my most beautiful little girl was telling me how her brother is so mean to her and makes her so sad. I couldn't see to drive. I wanted to get high that instant. He's just like me. What have I done. Why can't I not fuck up my sons behavior as well. I'm a mess. Feel like swallowing a bullet. But think the APAP will kill me before I can ever swallow one anyway.
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
TDS FUCK. Just can't stop
- Thread starter EnemyOf1
- Start date
First realise when you're using drugs to that level, especially strong opiates, it will take you away from reality so it's like only half of you is there and you're living in a kind of fantasy world half of the time.
This is an effect of the drug you can't help and are victim to, but at the same time you are choosing to keep using a drug you can see is affecting you that way, so you are also responsible for it (only as long as you keep getting high it won't seem that real to you and you won't really care).
Expect the guilt to hit you like a ton of bricks when you sober up (and being made a hundred time worse by withdrawal which intensifies all negative feelings). It's literally unbearable and a real suicide risk. Just don't think you're unique as all experience this.
The only difference is how low you will sink. Some will prostitute themselves to be able to afford the drug they crave or avoid withdrawal. Some won't feel it's worth it no matter how bad it gets. I seriously don't know what makes the difference but everyone has a limit to what they will do for their fix.
But the lower you sink the stronger the need for escape through drugs will be - watch out for the negative spiral and try to limit the harm while you can.
This is an effect of the drug you can't help and are victim to, but at the same time you are choosing to keep using a drug you can see is affecting you that way, so you are also responsible for it (only as long as you keep getting high it won't seem that real to you and you won't really care).
Expect the guilt to hit you like a ton of bricks when you sober up (and being made a hundred time worse by withdrawal which intensifies all negative feelings). It's literally unbearable and a real suicide risk. Just don't think you're unique as all experience this.
The only difference is how low you will sink. Some will prostitute themselves to be able to afford the drug they crave or avoid withdrawal. Some won't feel it's worth it no matter how bad it gets. I seriously don't know what makes the difference but everyone has a limit to what they will do for their fix.
But the lower you sink the stronger the need for escape through drugs will be - watch out for the negative spiral and try to limit the harm while you can.
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. It seems like I've finished a spiral. Then it comes back again. Can't believe how it compels me to make the worst decision possible. Can't imagine what happens to people on something worse than opiates. FUCK.
There's nothing really worse than opiates when it comes to this kind of thing (downer abuse - stimulant abuse comes with a different set of problems but it's not necessarily worse).
The only thing that can make it worse is if you combine benzos or other downers like Pregabalin with it. This can lead to literal blackouts where you won't remember anything and take you even further out of this reality. The other thing is graduating to IV Heroin which seems to make things considerably worse for everyone no matter how bad they think it already is. At least try to watch out for those if you value your life and your family.
I know just what it's like, as I go through periods of being sober, recreational abuse, and short-term addiction periodically. I just got my hands on some benzos and opiates after going without for a while, and honestly one week seemed to pass by just like a dream. I wasn't bothered by anything or worried about anything, just felt okay with whatever, and when the week had passed I could hardly believe it had been one whole week as it has passed by so quick and had such an unreal quality I now barely have any memory of anything that happened.
Shows how you're in no fit state to look after a family, so luckily I only have myself to take care of. But for you I think the only good thing you can do for yourself is get off it now. Taper down and make it easier on yourself if you can. It can seem like the end of the world when it's going on and like time is standing still.
But the process is really short, and after 10 days you can feel okay and back to your normal self again, with barely no memory of it and wondering why you were such a pussy.
And after going through 5-10 benzo withdrawals cold turkey, which I find even worse, I feel I can say this. I've trained myself to handle the trauma of withdrawal pretty well, or gone through it so many times it almost feels normal to me.
The only thing that can make it worse is if you combine benzos or other downers like Pregabalin with it. This can lead to literal blackouts where you won't remember anything and take you even further out of this reality. The other thing is graduating to IV Heroin which seems to make things considerably worse for everyone no matter how bad they think it already is. At least try to watch out for those if you value your life and your family.
I know just what it's like, as I go through periods of being sober, recreational abuse, and short-term addiction periodically. I just got my hands on some benzos and opiates after going without for a while, and honestly one week seemed to pass by just like a dream. I wasn't bothered by anything or worried about anything, just felt okay with whatever, and when the week had passed I could hardly believe it had been one whole week as it has passed by so quick and had such an unreal quality I now barely have any memory of anything that happened.
Shows how you're in no fit state to look after a family, so luckily I only have myself to take care of. But for you I think the only good thing you can do for yourself is get off it now. Taper down and make it easier on yourself if you can. It can seem like the end of the world when it's going on and like time is standing still.
But the process is really short, and after 10 days you can feel okay and back to your normal self again, with barely no memory of it and wondering why you were such a pussy.
And after going through 5-10 benzo withdrawals cold turkey, which I find even worse, I feel I can say this. I've trained myself to handle the trauma of withdrawal pretty well, or gone through it so many times it almost feels normal to me.
Hey Enemyof1.. sorry you are struggling with an addiction but before we get into trying to figure out how to stop lets address a major issue.. norco contains acetaminophen 325mg per pill..
31x325=10075mg of acetiminophen.. "You should not take more than 4000 mg of acetaminophen a day. Taking more, especially 7000 mg or more, can lead to a severe overdose if not treated" from> .http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002598.htm.. if you find it necessary to take this amount you will need to do a cold water extraction to get the hydrocodone separated from the acetaminophen... if you do not do this there is A REALLY GOOD IF NOT CERTAINTY that you will really fuck yourself up and possibly die a really miserable three day death in which there may be little or nothing to be done for you
Please research and perform a cold water extraction in the future or you will almost certainly pay a very heavy price.. there are a few BLtrs who can attest to this and a few that are no longer around.EDIT: sorry missed the CWE
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Last edited:
I was where you are five years ago.
living with wife,my son and the opiate addiction.
I had to move out and learn how to take care of myself.
I went on suboxone(still on)and got a one bedroom.
I started going to AA sporadically.
not saying this is some kind of cure or the right way to do it
or whatever but it was what worked for me.
now I'm back in my sons life and it just takes time.
as addicts we suffer from arrested developments and I'm mentally like a 13year old.
hey,good luck,man,stay strong.
living with wife,my son and the opiate addiction.
I had to move out and learn how to take care of myself.
I went on suboxone(still on)and got a one bedroom.
I started going to AA sporadically.
not saying this is some kind of cure or the right way to do it
or whatever but it was what worked for me.
now I'm back in my sons life and it just takes time.
as addicts we suffer from arrested developments and I'm mentally like a 13year old.
hey,good luck,man,stay strong.
mrflowers00
Ex-Bluelighter
please for you kid's sake stop while you still can
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Since you say that you are "not fooling anyone" can you talk frankly with your wife about what is going on and go into a rehab to detox and get some support for staying off?
At this point I very well might. I'm on the fence. I've considered going to the ER just based on the fact of how many norco I consumed. She'd fucking freak. I'd loose my wife and kids, my house, my job. I can't tell if the amount of APAP I consumed in that period has fucked my liver and ill be dead soon or not. It all could be from withdrawl and its feeding my panic. As AWEFUL as I feel about last weekend. I done know what to think. My drive to pop a pill is amazingly strong right now. I tried to taper over the past few days. But there's not much help when you've gone from 80s of OC or a GRAM of hydro to 30's of MSCONTIN and some 5mg percs to nothing today. I know a pill will put me at ease. But I'm a pussy as some stated earlier, and an addict. I'm trying my god damnedest to pull my head out of my ass. Just can't stay with it. Weakness I know. I've tried picturing my daughter and sons face when I have that desire and it helps, but I'm FREAKED THE FUCK OUT THAT I'VE ALREADY KILLED MYSELF LAST WEEKEND. FML
red_bandit
Greenlighter
^^^ This. You absolutely do not have to do this alone. I hope you can talk to your wife about it. Release from the burden of keeping it secret - that crushing guilt - frees your mind and soul so you can do the work you need to do.
Also, I firmly believe that once we start on the road to recovery, we never change direction. Regardless of how many times we relapse or how long or destructive those relapses are, we are still on the road to recovery. Please don't think that because you relapsed it's the beginning of the end and there's no point in trying. We're always on that road, making that journey forward, no matter how many times we have to pull over. It's kind of cheesy but I find it helpful to think about that way.
PM me if you need to.
::hugs::
Black Rabbit of Inle
Bluelight Crew
Severe liver damage will start off with inflamation, pain and tiredness followed by nausea and fever in some cases. Jaundice is the next symptom, indicating a problem that should be checked out immediately. Before freaking out in front of a mirror though, know that household lighting may skew the colour of your skin, the best way to check for jaundice is in sunlight.
Essentially, you'd be functioning, but you'd know something was really wrong.
*footnote* These symptoms are the 'standard' list. Not everyone would experience exactly the same symptoms in exactly the same order. If you're worried, go see a GP and get a liver function test ASAP.
Essentially, you'd be functioning, but you'd know something was really wrong.
*footnote* These symptoms are the 'standard' list. Not everyone would experience exactly the same symptoms in exactly the same order. If you're worried, go see a GP and get a liver function test ASAP.
Last edited:
LOL. I'm functioning. Feel off a bit. But have had sweating and triedness, but that could just be withdrawl speaking. I'm thinking I'm fucked half the time and having a horrible panic attack. I'm contemplating going to the ER tonight when I get off work.
red_bandit
Greenlighter
Jaundice will make the whites of the eyes yellow as well. It might be easier to detect by looking there instead of at the skin.
Livers are pretty tough mofos in general. But definitely keep the APAP under 4g in 24 hrs. And if you add alcohol to APAP, your liver will be pissed.
I don't want to make you paranoid about it or anything, but you should be aware that symptoms of liver failure from APAP sometimes don't appear until up to 48 hrs after ingestion.
Just be vigilant the next few days. If you start to have pain located primarily in the upper right quadrant of your abdomen, go have it checked. Any abdominal pain could be serious business.
Just hold on, my friend.
Livers are pretty tough mofos in general. But definitely keep the APAP under 4g in 24 hrs. And if you add alcohol to APAP, your liver will be pissed.
I don't want to make you paranoid about it or anything, but you should be aware that symptoms of liver failure from APAP sometimes don't appear until up to 48 hrs after ingestion.
Just be vigilant the next few days. If you start to have pain located primarily in the upper right quadrant of your abdomen, go have it checked. Any abdominal pain could be serious business.
Just hold on, my friend.
Black Rabbit of Inle
Bluelight Crew
If you're at work, you're most likely just exhausted and not feeling the best. Go home, get a good nights sleep and see how you're feeling tomorrow.
Thanks!!!! It's probably WD. Just freaking me the eff out. But I smashed a LOT of APAP in less than 24 hours. But it was spread out over that time frame I'd posted. Could be the Immodium. Just don't know. I've been sleeping poorly with nothing like I was used to in my system. I keep checking g my eyeballs outside in the mirrors on my truck. Seem white as fuck. The amount I took might just have pissed off my system enough to not kill me just severely piss it off. Just keep picturing my kids and how I'm fucking up their lives is probably the wrong angle to take as well. Not to me took my beautiful wife, and how she deserves better!!!!