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Flaky dates

Foreigner

Foreigner

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2009
Messages
8,603
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The Cosmos
I've been seeing a guy for about 3 months now and I like a lot about him, but I am *very* frustrated by his flakiness. We see each other maybe once a week due to his hectic schedule, but even that one day a week is hard. We could plan to hang out one evening and I've cooked dinner, cleaned my place, and got all done up and then he cancels an hour before saying he has too much work to do, or some other reason. When it happens once it's forgivable but when it happens over and over again it really tries my patience. It's at the point that when we make plans I'm already considering backups in case he cancels.

It's hard for me because when we do meet up we have a really good time and I am really into him, but this flake factor is very hard to deal with. I'm not from the west coast but it seems like a lot of people here are like this. Making committed plans is hard. I'm trying to be loving, patient, and go with the flow, but eventually when I am flippantly cancelled on enough times it feels like I am getting the brush off.

Whenever I'm seeing someone it seems like it's such a challenge to get together. It is really starting to affect me negatively to the point where I wonder if I'm ever going to end up with someone who takes relationships as seriously as I do.

Has anyone else struggled with this who can shed some light?
 
Yeah, most of the women I've dated were pretty flaky and that's why they never became girlfriends. If you like somone, you'll make an effort to be with them even if it's just to sit with them one evening and fall asleep while watching a movie. I take relationships seriously like you do. There ain't a flaky thing about me!

I'd say after that long, give it up and find someone better. I think you've already figured out the answer. If I was anywhere near you I'd go out with ya ;) I hate flaky people with a passion, and I really hate it when they think we are the problem for not putting up with their flakiness.
 
hmmm Not sure I've ever had a seriously relationship with a flaky person. Obviously, I've had people cancel, but not all the time like that.

Are you inviting him to hang out or is he pursuing you? This is usually a sign the guy really isn't that into you, especially if you're the one pursuing him, he says OK and then flakes out.
 
I've dated 3 flaky people. I would eventually tell them how this isn't working out, or if they're really bad at communicating or staying in contact which is a pet peeve of mine I tell them how they're dumped and they need to work on communication.

I don't mean they have to call me or contact me daily but I've dated people who for whatever reason were just really bad at staying in contact with someone who they were dating and I didn't like it.
 
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if i were to guess...he's either not that into you, or not ready to have a committed relationship with anyone right now.
 
Lysis said:
Are you inviting him to hang out or is he pursuing you?
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It's been both. He's definitely more passive than I am, but... he still contacts me to say he misses me, wants to get together, etc. Actions just speak louder than words for me. You can miss me all you want but if it seems like there's not much genuine effort being put in to actually see me, then I don't know...

MyFinalRest said:
If I was anywhere near you I'd go out with ya ;)
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Well shucks. :)
 
I hate flakiness too, and IMO, it shows self absorption on their part, and disrespect to you too. He's pretty much showing you that he considers his time more valuable or important than yours, which like you said, is ok some of the time, but if it's all the time...well to me, that shows a personality trait, rather than a busy period in someone's life. Or as someone said, that he's not as into the situation as you are. I think it's worth considering how much this person really values the time you spend together, if it so often seems to be so far down the list in relation to other things he's doing.

It is possible this is just how he conducts relationships and is 'normal' to him, but even so, I don't think this is a trait that is easily changed. Have you spoken to him about it? IMO whatever the reason for his flakiness, the chances of improvement are slim, because either he doesn't care enough to change, or it's an ingrained personality trait that may be hard (or he may see no reason to) change.
 
IME- The men that I have come across who have been "flaky" are the ones who already have a girlfriend or wife that they are trying to hide or aren't interested in pursing a relationship because they are too busy dating too many women at once. Flaky men are a big red flag and I'd just stay away from them.
 
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On a serious note, if you don't feel like this one is going anywhere then it makes sense to give him an ultimatium. At least you'll know where you are. You'll eventually meet somebody who's on the same page, I think everybody has this problem once in a while. For about two years I was bouncing around because every girl who I started anything with did exactly what you described. So with a second thought, I broke it off, because I just felt like I was wasting my time. Then I went off to uni looking for no strings attached, ended up with my missus of two years (and counting).

It's funny how things work. You'll end up feeling like you'll never find what you're looking for, and then it'll get dumped in your lap when you're not looking :) Keep the faith, it's only a question of time.
 
You just gotta come out and tell him, "if you tonight's not a good night for you, make it another day" This way he won't leave you in the lurch. If it keeps happening, there's something wrong. I've been guilty of this flaking out at the last minute. Usually I was drinking too much but what's his excuse? Sounds like he has other things going on that prevent him from following through with plans.
 
IME- The men that I have come across who have been "flaky" are the ones who already have a girlfriend or wife that they are trying to hide
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I was about to post this. Foreigner, are you sure he's not married?
 
My ex was flaky. I wish it took me less time than three years to figure it out. He'd always back out of things. Forget about things. It was annoying. One of the reasons he's an ex. I hated getting all ready for something and just having him say "sorry, can't make it". It just doesn't work!!! He'd seem really into me most of the time but the flakiness seemed different.
Yeah, things do come up. Things happen. Not being able to make it once in a while - it happens for everyone. But it should NOT happen often.
 
He came over last night and we had a really good time. I had a heart to heart with him about being flaked out on, scheduling, and how I'd like to spend more time. He said that he is aware that he is a flake and really bad with scheduling, and it's something about himself he finds hard to change. It has made him afraid about losing me, which is ironic because I was concerned I would lose him. So we clarified our intentions and then everything was lovey dovey again.

No, he doesn't have another partner as far as I know. No he's not married, lol... just a reminder, we are talking about two young gay guys here. I've never met someone my age who is gay and married, but I suppose it could happen one day. :D My bullshit detector is pretty finely tuned, and I don't feel there is someone else. He is just genuinely busy with school projects.

So, the question it's coming down to is if he has time / if he is ready for a relationship right now, given how demanding his academia is. He's doing two bachelor's degrees and plans to start a masters degree next year. He also does volunteer outreach work with street people. So he's very career focused. It's what I really admire about him, but is also a pain in the ass for scheduling.

I've been to his place many times and he has come to mine. He has a roommate and a strange living setup so it's not ideal for us to spend quality time there. Plus the privacy factor if we get it on. The city we live in is not small, but neither of us has a car and we're far enough apart that it takes some logistics.

Our talk seemed to reaffirm our bond and we're both willing to make a go of it. I guess the problem is sort of resolved for now? I'm going to have to exercise a lot more patience if that's the case!
 
^ Ooohh sorry Foreigner! I always forget the gay factor. My bad! I thought you were female. :D

On paper, he sounds good (aside from the flakiness). I love men who are clearly focused, too, but I've experienced that "I can't do x right now, because I have to do y. Sorry." Sucks. It's a trade-off with men who have a goal. 2 bachelors is a rough focus, especially if he also volunteers and works. I can now understand why he is busy.

I guess if I were you and trying to work it out, I would ask him to at least just be honest if he can't make it and just tell me "No" ahead of time instead of it being a "Maybe" and him telling me "Yes." This way, I don't get my hopes up.
 
Some people are just like that...sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it isn't. Just think whether or not you'd be happier without him. I know I was still happier when I was with my abusive ex than now that I'm single, so...
 
Glad to hear things are a bit clearer now Foreigner. I hope that things work out for you. Maybe it's worth thinking now about what you expect from him from this point in, and at what level it'd become unacceptable so you have those lines clearly in your head - because I find it can be so hard to draw the line as a relationship progresses and you want to believe everything will work out because you like the person.

Pagey said:
Some people are just like that...sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it isn't. Just think whether or not you'd be happier without him. I know I was still happier when I was with my abusive ex than now that I'm single, so...
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^ That makes me sad to hear Pagey :( I think you have to look at things like that over the longer term. I think it's very common to feel a lot worse after breaking up with someone even if rationally you know it's for the best. That's what makes it so hard to make the right decision sometimes, because you know you're bringing immediate pain on yourself, and consciously it's easy to discount the future - that is, put a lot less emphasis or weight on feelings that are going to happen in the future, rather than the emotions we feel right now.

I think that something as traumatic as an abusive relationship can make the recovery process take longer too. My first long term relationship was abusive, and I think it's those conflicting emotions that make it so confusing and basically, such a head fuck. Most abusive partners are not 100% bad; the relationship is rarely 100% bad. Often it's really awesome a lot of the time. It can be so hard to give up those good times (which may even be the most happiness you ever feel in your current life) because of some vague hope that things will get better in the future. In my experience, and quite common in other abusive relationships, is that you eventually lose contact with other friends and family and get cut off from your old life, which makes it even harder to find your place again once you've left the relationship.

It can take a long time to rebuild your new life, and I think that often you can be lacking some of the things the old relationship provided for awhile during the rebuilding phase - comfort, happiness, company. I think what helped me is knowing that if I stayed with my ex, things were as good as they were ever going to get, and although some things were good, I also knew that something wasn't right, I didn't deserve the way he treated me. Breaking up brings the possibility of a much better life, but doesn't automatically confer it. That's the sucky thing about it I guess, that the process of finding it can be so long and painful. But Pagey I think that without him, that possibility is there, whilst with him it isn't - and that's the important thing. It took me over a year to rebuild my life to a point where I was happy and comfortable again, and it was so tough at times, but I have not one regret leaving him, and I shudder to think of what my life would be if I was still with him. Stay strong <3
 
Oh, you're a man Foreigner? Oops. No big deal man.

Really, focused go-getter types can often put their careers and other things way ahead of relationships. People like this don't make good partners. People so focused on one thing tend to be flakes when it comes to others.

It's good to work and make something of yourself, but to toss aside a personal life doesn't make sense to me. I'm in a job that takes too much time and it's not worth it, so I'm getting the fuck out of it. Still, If I had a nice girl inviting me places and I was attracted to her I'd tell work to fuck off - I got something more important to do!

I have sort of flaked out from certain long-distance relations with these uninteresting chicks who weren't actually making plans anyway. It is hard to meet up with someone who lives 2 1/2 hours away. Maybe if they pursued it more I would have, but oh well.
 
Yeah I have dealt with this myself - maybe he's just not that into you, at least not as much as you him.

If you REALLy like him it might just have to be something that you accept about him - what star sign is he?

Also what is his profession? It can take a while to get used to someone's commitment to work sometimes - it took me about 2 years of sporadically seeing someone before I finally understood her commitments at work.

Talk about it.
 
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