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Mental Health First session of group therapy bit of a let down...

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MrsGamp

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Apr 3, 2020
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It's therapy for women who've experienced domestic violence, although my counsellor had tol me beforehand that it was also ok to talking about drug/booze issues...

Anyway, for starters waaaay too much time was spent getting everyone "mindful", yet not quite enough time for mindfulness to really kick in. I am not knocking mindfulness...or maybe I am, at least in this context.

Because I need (to use the counseling idiom) a "safe space" to talk about my anger towards my ex before it drives me mad...

. Shit, I've been permanently maimed in the leg, lost my job and all my friends, my home has been destroyed and I've also been betrayed in the worst way ...

So I'm more interested of being "mindful" of my right to feel angry than being mindful about how my feet feel on the floor, or how the flame from a scented candle is, uh, there.

Then came the two themes of the day: The Shark Cage and "self-care".

The facilitor explained at length - more length than was really needed - about how the Shark Cage is a metaphor for strategies one can use to deflect "predators", i.e. violent people.

The "predator" thing shat me off a bit. I'm willing to admit I've been bullied and manipulated and humiliated and injured, but somehow the term "predator"doesn't feel right as a designation of my ex.

For one thing, I doubt he was consciously planning to be a violent bastard from the second he clapped eyes on me. It's not as if being a violent bastard worked out especially well for him in the long run - he's now got a serious criminal record, is practically unemployable, and apt to get clapped in the slammer if he so much as jay walks.

But that aside, the idea of him being a "predator" implies I'm on a level with a little girl. Which doesn't do much for my "self worth"even if it does vitiate any sort of responsibility for making egregiously stupid decisions about men...

We were then invited to select a printed out shark picture and, um, a texta. The pictures had clearly been sourced from children's coloring in books. We had to draw bars over our fishies, with each bar representing a safety strategy in our Shark Cage.

I admitted that my main strategies for feeling "safe" right now are not in fact very positive. For example I am deliberately isolating myself. And drinking too much to avoid my emotions...

I really wish I'd kept the boozing issue to myself, because after that the other women in the group seemed suspicious of me and inclined to leave me out of their conversations. These tended to consist of pseudo-confessions about being too obsessed with house keeping, or not getting to the gym as often as they used to...

There was a certain amount of "my kids are my world", and also "I feel bad because I am not always patient with children." My contribution was asked for, so I said since when does being a mother mean you must always exhibit the patience of a saint? My mother wasn't like that, and tbh I would've found it weird if she had been...

I also added that I missed my own daughter a lot, which probably made me look even seedier, since all the other women had custody of their kids...

Then the session segued into "self care".

More infantilising worksheets were handed out. We were given "homework": list positive "self care" strategies.

Egs were given, such as "eat well', "exercise" and "catch up with my best friend."

I interjected that I haven't got any friends anymore- my ex made it impossible.

Surely this is a common thing that happens to people with abusive partners?

Someone suggested I join a "walking club". Didn't say anything but the last thing I need is MORE walking - I'm gonna need a total knee replacement at some stage, and I'm meant to spare my gimpy leg as much as possible but tbh am still walking everywhere ... I need to spend less on drugs so I can at least afford a bike ...

But there's no way I could bring up drugs in this group - they were weird with me even about the alcohol issue ...

Surely the whole point of the entire fucking enterprise is being allowed to talk about how your life has gone to shit?

If I had access to a lively social life, and felt motivated about eating well and exercise and not drinking, and had no problems except being a perfectionist about parenting and housework, I don't think I'd be bothering with counselling...so I don't know what most of these women were even doing there!

There were a couple of older, very quiet women - one of whom alluded to being staliked- I would've liked to hear what they had to say, but the more middle class/younger women sort of dominated with these rather Pollyanna problems.

There was absolutely no reference to anything "unpleasant" except the problem of receiving nasty text messages...

Am I being a paranoid ass? Perhaps. But am so disappointed-I wanted to meet people with whom I don't have to pretend I am normal and fine.

And now I am doing what I shouldnt- drinking too early in the day.

At least I have done my "homework" already- I have suggested that masturbation is an excellent and inexpensive self care strategy....
 
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So that’s all the negative take-aways...did anything work for you in the experience. Maybe just working out your stuff by using BL as a journal is more your thing than group therapy.

When I’ve done group at different times I’ve tended to listen to other people’s stories for entertainment value, tune out everything that is banal, and then actively use my allotted time to really say stuff I couldn’t get off myself anywhere else with little concern for whether people cared or not.

However I found it surprising how many people, despite their background or DOC, had experiences to share that resonated with my own experiences. I made a mistake thinking intelligence or education had anything to do with having something to teach me about addiction - it is self-awareness that makes other participants valuable in group.

I wouldn’t take your cue for what you can say from the other participants - just say your piece when its your turn, using the language that makes most sense to you. Perhaps you’ll find the others are waiting for someone to break things up and beat a path for everyone.
 
In my experience, group therapy saved my life. I legit owe my life and the ability to learn to love myself, care for myself and communicate with others in an assertive manner to cultivate healthy relationships to those groups. I luckily wound up with the perfect group my first time around, had I not, I probably would view things differently. Having said that, I have encountered groups that just weren't my thing. In my opinion, the counselor should guide the flow of conversation and cultivate it, not be guiding it his/herself. Some topics up front is fine, but typically means nothing - the heartbeat of the group is when everyone is allowed to share and support each other. The better the counselor, the better they guide and cultivate the conversation and input from everyone. Don't give up, there is some serious magic that happens there, and if you find out it's not the right fit, then still don't give up and hopefully there are other options to choose from. The power of those groups when they work though, I can't even describe, to be in a room full of people that no matter what you say they can understand and support you, it's amazing. I can say as a fact, without a doubt, had I not finally gave in and went to rehab and found the power of group therapy, I would no longer be on this Earth.
 
Thanks both Atlier and Deru ...
I guess I am being pretty negative...as Atelier said, who knows, maybe these women have deeper issues they'd like to bring up ...I guess I am more than averagely unguarded about stuff that most people might class as "intimate" or embarrassing as well. As we get to know each other, hopefully the mood will open up.

BUT couldn't agree more with Deru that really the facilitators should just guide the discussion, not impose topics! I think there's anxiety about people getting triggered, but then again would it be such a bad thing to be "triggered" up to a point in this context? I don't mean that serious distress should be risked, but in a safe environment ...maybe it's okay for people to become a bit tearful or mad or whatever...
 
ps and nothing will ever make me feel good about having to fool with primary-school type shit like pictures of sharks and coloured pencils...but fuck it, I have my one on one session tomorrow: if my counsellor asks what I thought I'm gonna be polite but honest about the shark business👎🏼
 
Hmmm, I dunno how *that* group stuff works... but my therapy group for example is Radically Open Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. The psychologists who are the facilitators of the group choose participants who are suitable for the therapy (that it applies to them) and then each session runs based on the workbook by Thomas Lynch with homework every week. It's not so much a place like AA where people stand up and share their experiences, it's about learning new skills and participating which sometimes means mentioning your past history etc. but never dominates the group. There is definitely an emphasis on not triggering other group members- you never know what will set people off or how they will react and that could change whether they then attend the group ever again for example. It could set them back in therapy if they're terrified of being triggered again.

Granted, your work/homework definitely seems a little more infantalizing than I've seen before. And if you're more interested in getting things off your chest it seems like writing on this forum is an option, one-on-one therapy, even AA (I'm sometimes envious of the friends those people make while in recovery) might be an idea particularly if drinking is already a problem behaviour of yours. Hope that helps?
 
Hmm.

I think they use the word predator because "predators" don't discriminate. In other words, its more about them and less about you.

It may be hard to see your ex as such, maybe because you two had a connection, but just know you are not to blame.

Can you shop around for a new group? It sounds like you feel like an outcast. As someone else mentioned, one on one therapy may suit you as well. And no shame in doing both if your insurance covers it.
 
madness00 said:
Hmm.

I think they use the word predator because "predators" don't discriminate. In other words, its more about them and less about you.

It may be hard to see your ex as such, maybe because you two had a connection, but just know you are not to blame.

Can you shop around for a new group? It sounds like you feel like an outcast. As someone else mentioned, one on one therapy may suit you as well. And no shame in doing both if your insurance covers it.
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Well I won't write it off quite yet- if it's not getting a bit more real after three or four sessions I'll drop it.

As a side note, there"s no fee for any of this - the provider is a government sponsored women"s health care service. Recently in Australia there"s been a major initiative to address domestic violence: I think the free counselling is part of that ...
 
[QUOTE="nOtHiNg_ElSe_MaTtErS, post: 14905820, member: 535941
Re" AA (I'm sometimes envious of the friends those people make while in recovery) might be an idea particularly if drinking is already a problem behaviour of yours. Hope that helps?"

I've been to AA before but not for a while. And yes, you can make good friends there ...however in the past I fucked up by getting sexually involved with a couple of men I met in AA: this is known as "thirteenth stepping" and is discouraged for good reason. If one"s in early recovery, the last thing you need sexual complications.

Unfortunately AA does attract a few sleaze bags. But I'm a lot older now and more assertive so I'd be less of a target ...
 
Haha I have heard of that. The inpatient hospital I was at had D & A and they talked about it. Some of them even got married and had kids! Not all bad but yeah. Something to be wary of. Maybe stick to girls asexually?
 
Most people I've talked to either love it or hate.

I tried it and hated it.
There was a feeling of everyone trying to outdo everyone else.
I didn't feel like it offered enough introspection tailored for individuals.
I don't like getting emotional in front of anyone much less an entire group of people.

Maybe back then I was going into it at a bad time and focusing on the negative instead of grabbing the good?

Just random sharing here.
I think it's important for you to get your needs met in a format best fitted for you and hope you find it. 🙂
 
The first time I went to rehab the group leader listened to me tell my story and then, in front of all these strangers, proferred the diagnosis that I was undiagnosed on the spectrum (based on the story i told). I found that unprofessional and quite confronting and disturbing at the time. I complained to the Director and got a major apology and a new group.
 
^^^ Kudos for handling it and going back.
I don't think I could have handled that and probably derailed me up for awhile.
 
Have you talked to someone that could give you the answer you seek?
Someone professional that's not a dip?
 
MrsGamp said:
Well I won't write it off quite yet- if it's not getting a bit more real after three or four sessions I'll drop it.

As a side note, there"s no fee for any of this - the provider is a government sponsored women"s health care service. Recently in Australia there"s been a major initiative to address domestic violence: I think the free counselling is part of that ...
Click to expand...
Government therapy sounds like recipe for disaster in my ears. I would use private services. I have had such a great experience in government institutions and their psychiatrists i'm forced to talk to, that i will NEVER talk to single fucking government "psychiatrist". They are actually agents in disguise, since everything you say will be saved to their system and used against you in public healthcare system.
 
Yacking said:
Have you talked to someone that could give you the answer you seek?
Someone professional that's not a dip?
Click to expand...
To be honest, my psychiatric time ever since has been taken up with more serious and pressing problems so I kind of put it on the backburner. But I definitely have an inability to read social group dynamics and deal with more than one person at a time. I usually only have one friend at a time in life for that reason. I attributed it to being bullied by groups as a kid always changing schools but it is maybe a sign of something spectrummy. Now I'm relatively stable vis a vis all my other problems, I might just bring it up with my psych in the near future as you suggest. Would be interesting to know. Would perhaps explain a bit. I think of it as neurodiverse rather than an a disability though so I wouldn't care much.
 
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