2manyopiates
Bluelighter
Hey everyone, my name is 2many(for fear of anyone IN RL reading this) and I used to frequent this site quite often when I was in highschool and really into opiates. I'm now 20 and i've been clean via the use of suboxone for 4 months now. The thing is, i'm not very happy at all. I feel like getting off of opiates has really brought my anxieties to the surface and boy do I have a lot of them :/. I find myself using the majority of my free time to just sit alone in my room playing video games, or watching netflix. I don't have any friends anymore, as I cut the majority of them off when I decided to venture into sober terroritory. I feel so alone, and scared, and unsure. I don't think i'm suicidal but I often find myself staring at things and thinking "That'd be great to off myself with," etc, but I don't really even know myself so I can't even tell if this is a big problem. I don't hate life, I just hate how i've caused such a shitty one for myself by making such bad decisions. I'm relatively frail, and underweight clocking in at 5'8 125lbs. I recently got a job at McDonalds but my anxiety (and self concious? self doubt? what am I looking for here?) is so through the roof it makes working properly nearly impossible. I just started training yesterday so hopefully I don't fuck this up. Im at very unease with my appearance, I suppose all those years of opiate abuse and not taking proper care of myself are catching up to me (i've been using opiates since the age of 15)
I don't really know why i'm posting this. Perhaps it's to get all my negative thoughts out into clear form so I can read it in hopes to understand myself better. Perhaps it's because i'm looking for guidance. I've had a lot of bad shit happen to me in the past year, a good buddy hung himself, I had a kid I found out wasn't mine, etc etc. I really thought getting off opiates would help my outlook on things but I'm more unhappy now than I have ever been. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be confident with myself? Am I doomed to be a loser forever? I dated this girl for 3 years and she's off doing great things now and i'm sulking in my room wanting to off myself. I'm not jealous of her, i'm happy for her. I just wish I was with her doing those great things but instead i've reverted into a sad reclusive underweight fucking weirdo
fuck it
I don't really know why i'm posting this. Perhaps it's to get all my negative thoughts out into clear form so I can read it in hopes to understand myself better. Perhaps it's because i'm looking for guidance. I've had a lot of bad shit happen to me in the past year, a good buddy hung himself, I had a kid I found out wasn't mine, etc etc. I really thought getting off opiates would help my outlook on things but I'm more unhappy now than I have ever been. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be confident with myself? Am I doomed to be a loser forever? I dated this girl for 3 years and she's off doing great things now and i'm sulking in my room wanting to off myself. I'm not jealous of her, i'm happy for her. I just wish I was with her doing those great things but instead i've reverted into a sad reclusive underweight fucking weirdo
fuck it
