Finding Reasons to Stay Sober

[Pentakillx]

I've been sober for two years. 100% clean of Xanax and pain killers, and I haven't gotten drunk since that one time last year. However, I have been struggling with sobriety as of late. It started when I was trying to conceive in Summer of last year, and progressively became more and more of a challenge. In October, however, two pregnancy tests came up positive and all of my reasons to check out went away. Then, in December, I had a miscarriage for unknown reasons. I'm shattered. The struggle is so much worse now, but I'm trying to hold onto my goal of getting extremely healthy so that I can try again by the end of this year. But recently, even though I feel at peace with what happened, I find myself completely forgetting it. I'll talk about my pregnancy and make plans for the new baby, then suddenly get a jolt of anxiety and grief as I remember that it's gone. I feel empty and alone, and I feel like my body betrayed me and that I'm a failure. It makes it unbelievably hard to not do something stupid, especially considering that since then I have been left alone with drugs.

I have reasons. I want to be able to get pregnant again in the future. I want to raise a baby in a happy, healthy home and not subject it to an emotionally detached mother who runs a flop house (which sounds judgmental, but I have been there and I never want to be there again). I want to be there for the father, who is experiencing his own grief and is just as screwed up by this as I am. But every day I get more and more attached to the idea of completely abandoning my life and becoming something worse than what I used to be. I know I need a therapist, but timing sucked. The one I was talking to is still on her holiday vacation, and everyone else is too expensive even with insurance (many are asking for $80 copays, which is usually fine, but I'm getting ready to move so I need the money). I'm not sure what to do at this point. Even if this post seems dramatic, I'd rather be on here than using.

 

[Jabberwocky]

For the moment I just want to mention that we have to outstanding members here, herbavore and Moreaux, who I highly recommend talking specifically with about your struggles with sobriety as it related to your experiences trying to get pregnant.

Have you ever heard of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction? Look into Jon Kabat-Zin, he is a big public figure surrounding that, something of a pioneer (or at least the best known one). It is a six week course, two hours of training with a group/class each week and homework assignments to practice on a daily (or as frequently as possible) basis. I do highly recommend a compassionate therapist, or someone in a professional if not clinical capacity you can have off you wise guidance and coregulate with. They cost anywhere from $400 to $2,000 (the best one I have seen only cost like $400-500, as opposed to the worst which cost more like $1600; I can suggest different places work looking into if you shoot me a pm with your geographic region).

But do look into MBSR. It is pretty amazing what it can do for those suffering from chronic conditions, whether something like cancer (or those struggling to conceive!) as well as depression, anxiety, trauma, etc. I have actually met more than one person in your situation who found it very helpful to learn how to practice MBSR. Good stuff!

P.s. Welcome to BL! It is fucking great to have you here

 

[Pentakillx]

I wouldn't mind looking into it. I do things like DBT, meditation, and crystal healing (even if people think it's woo, it helps me on a psychological basis) to keep me 'level'. I'm just not sure if I could afford something like that right now? I need counseling soon. I never sought counseling when my father died, and am still having issues processing it. I want to have this processed before I have a baby so I don't end up hating it or failing to bond, y'know? But like I said, we're trying to move (on top of still paying rent for our current place) so money is tight. Like, so tight that we can't even eat unless we dip into savings.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Damn, it really sounds like you have a lot on your plate!

What kind of meditation do you practice, and what dose your practice look like in terms of the time you are able to spend on it? There are lots of different types of meditation after all and what is presented in MBSR courses is very specific. DBT is awesome though, what setting do you have it done in? Generally there is a licensed psychologist who does that with you one on one (or sometimes in group settings).

I'll post an MBSR curriculum in my MBHR sticky when I get home so you can get a sense what it is like (many of the principles it employs are very similar to DBT, so you'd feel right at home). Crystal healing sounds like fun. Is it like Reiki?

Frankly it sounds like you know exactly what you need. You'll hopefully get lots of support from folks around here though. I forgot to mention, herby and Moreaux are still currently on vacation (I think), but shoot them a pm. I'm sure they'd be happy to chat.

But back to your OP, the question is reasons to stay sober? You have so many of them! This is why I suggested something like MBSR, or whatever you are comfortable with that will help you get yourself a bit more centered altered the trauma of losing your pregnancy. I imagine the loss must be a lot like what it is like having an abortion for some people, something I am all too familiar with myself. I also imagine that stress would make it much more difficult for someone to conceive, hence my suggestion to focus on stress reduction.

How is your partner dealing with his feelings about this? I'd suggest you each have your own individual support(s), although working together is also beautiful thing you each only have so much to give considering that you are both suffering and struggling with this. Having to support your partner, I think it is fair to say while perhaps noble, would be unfair to you given your own very real needs that require their own addressing.

With your financial situation, have you considered food stamps or a voucher program? There is no shame at all in that (you'd actually be amazed at all the different types of people who take advantage of them, underfunded and meager though program of this nature are in the US). You need to make sure you get and stay as healthy and fit as possible, both physically and mental, for when you decide to try again at conception.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Think back to when you were at your worst with your drug (s) of choice. Do you want to become that bad again, or become addicted to other drugs or addictive behavior? Or spend some time with addicts, or watch some documentaries on youtube about drug addiction and people who die from it. Also realizing that drugs are not going to solve your problems, and will just create new ones is something to consider.

You have tons of reasons to stay sober. Do you have a support network of people who know about your issues? Some people find NA or AA or non-12 step meetings with a sponsor to be helpful. Good luck.

 

[Pentakillx]

Eh, just the usual.
For meditation I listen to binuaral (sp?) beats, ASMR, or a fan/cooler and just close my eyes and focus on the sound until nearly all of my other senses and thoughts go away. It's most helpful with sleeping but if I feel super anxious, it helps prevent me from having a panic attack. As far as DBT goes, I only practiced it with a therapist when I was doing outgoing therapy/day treatment in a psych ward. However, I still practice some of the skills by journaling, keeping calendars, coloring, and practicing affirmations. I report back to my partner instead of a therapist, and he'll usually engage me in questions about why I wrote what I wrote or decided to use the colors that I did.
Crystal healing can be very 'hands on', where you place corresponding crystals onto chakra points, or it can be 'hands off' where you use pendulums and wands over the body to invoke healing energy.
My partner has his own support, as do I. The thing is, though, neither of us really want to be around anyone else right now. I've found a balance between giving him space when he needs it and being there when he needs me, but it's...weird. Everyone we know has either become suspiciously quiet or EXTREMELY, obnoxiously doting since the ER visit. It kind of makes it worse for both of us.

I applied for food stamps, got approved, but they scheduled an appointment for me without notifying me so I missed it and now they say I have to wait until the end of this year to apply again. Bull shit, I say! And before I got pregnant, Medicaid told me that I made too much money to qualify even though I alone only make about $10,000 a year. That's less than a year's worth of rent, how am I supposed to afford a place to live AND eat AND see doctors? As much as I am for social programs, they are greatly flawed.
P.S, sorry if this response seems scattered, I tried to type it out about 3 times and the draft never saved the whole thing so I just...condensed it.

Think back to when you were at your worst with your drug (s) of choice. Do you want to become that bad again, or become addicted to other drugs or addictive behavior? Or spend some time with addicts, or watch some documentaries on youtube about drug addiction and people who die from it. Also realizing that drugs are not going to solve your problems, and will just create new ones is something to consider.

You have tons of reasons to stay sober. Do you have a support network of people who know about your issues? Some people find NA or AA or non-12 step meetings with a sponsor to be helpful. Good luck.

At my worst I was going back and forth between seizing and going unconscious whilst foaming at the mouth...yeah, I never want to be there again. It's just really tempting to check out for a minute. I don't want to die and I know my problems won't be solved, but if I could go a day without having to relive how the I.V felt or re-hear the words, "I can't find a heart beat", that would be swell. There are literal voices in my brain telling me that my baby is dead, I think I'm entitled to a drug-induced break down. But I've been sober for 2 years, so aren't I past the point of NA? I have the greatest support in the world; my partner has been so loving and tentative, and was the one who got it through my head that I need to cherish myself and be gentle to my body. I just need a therapist at this point.

 

[simco]

Pentakillx, your story is harrowing and deeply moving. As I read your initial post on this thread just now, one detail in particular jumped out at me--your mention of your therapist. Obviously, I don't know anything about your psychological state. But given the circumstances you've described, it seems likely that your mood and outlook must have become depressed over the last years. Even if you're not experiencing clinical depression, a steady drumbeat of difficult life events can really lower one's emotional reserves. And with respect to the title of your thread, when we're drained in that way, it can be so fucking hard to see the merits of abstract, long-term goals like sobriety. Even in our healthiest states, I think (though I'm no shrink, mind you!) humans find it much easier to attend to short-term goals/needs, often at the expense of our longer-term ones. More concretely, the need to blow away searing, immediate pain makes it incredibly hard to hold to something as abstract as long-term abstinence from drugs. And my point is, being in a depressed state makes the abstract, long-term projects all but impossible to value over short-term needs.

My point is just that you might do well to continue thinking about ways to elevate your mood and outlook, your sense of your place in the world. My prediction is that if you can get into a healthier headspace, reasons to stay sober will be much easier to see.

Of course therapy is one of the ways to do this. But, sometimes we reach a point where none of the therapists that we have access to can be of much help. Whether it's due to scheduling problems or for more philosophical reasons, sometimes we need to supplement therapy with other tools. TPD's suggestions about MBSR are right on the money here. But many people also have great luck with less formal options. A few that have worked well for me:
* regular (though not necessarily strenuous) exercise
* making an effort to nurture a relationship with a friend or family member actively--e.g. planning regular conversations where we discuss what's really
going on with us, not just the usual "hi, how are you? i'm fine" kind of stuff
* volunteering to help with a cause that's meaningful for us
* making sure we are getting good nutrition and good sleep.

I know these things sound corny, like the kind of platitudes that we know are good for us in theory but that are unlikely to work in practice. But I mentioned them because I'm inherently skeptical, but nevertheless, they have truly have helped me with just the kinds of symptoms you're describing. And also, none of these has to involve massive undertakings. Sure, it's great to start exercising every day, but for most of us, that's not realistic, especially when things look bleak. But even just a small amount of exercise is better than none. Likewise with the other suggestions. Just bite off only as much as you want.

I really hope things look up for you soon. For what it's worth, though the details of our lives obviously differ, I'm right there with you. Depressed and clinging to reasons to stay clean.

Please keep us posted.
Sim

 

[Jabberwocky]

Definitely pursue getting your food stamps reinstated. This happened to a friend of mine and she ended up pursuing it with the supervisors and was pleasantly surprised to find how things turned out. Of course, she lived in Oregon, which has a lot better social support net than many other states. God help you if you live in parts of the South and Southwest...

I will post some links to good meditation focused on reducing stress and anxiety here in a bit. You will find them more practical and, in all likelihood (once you have begun to familiarize yourself on), more effective than simply forcing your attention fall into a concentrated state through the use of sound (nothing wrong at all with this, it use is just more limited in application).

 

[cj]

The only way to deal with grief is head on. If you try and drown it out with substances then you will just be peolonging the grieving period as you will have to deal with it once the substances where off and they always doo. Seeing a therapist is a wonderful idea. So is getting out your emotions on here. Just getting them out of your head can be beneficial.

Go do something fun with your man. Something you have enjoyed with each other in the past. Or something new and adventurous. Also keep or start exercising as soon as possible. It will keep you healthy physically and emotionally

 

[Jabberwocky]

I like that advice I would say that my experience for grief also indicates that it isn't necessarily a linear or predictable process, but certainly trying to push through it by ignoring it or trying to avoid it is a recipe for disaster. And substance use necessarily will inhibit you ability to appreciate your feelings surrounding grief, prolonging the grieving process and making it more potentially harmful as time goes on instead of resolving anything. Well, I think there are some caviats to that (such as the use of sacred medicine and some other substances, but no so much stuff like booze, cocaine, benzos, speed, opioids, etc).

 

[Jabberwocky]

Check out this post on a mindfulness practice to reduce anxiety that is super easy and very useful. Plus it is kinda fun

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...-Resources?p=13684185&viewfull=1#post13684185

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Eh, just the usual.
For meditation I listen to binuaral (sp?) beats, ASMR, or a fan/cooler and just close my eyes and focus on the sound until nearly all of my other senses and thoughts go away. It's most helpful with sleeping but if I feel super anxious, it helps prevent me from having a panic attack. As far as DBT goes, I only practiced it with a therapist when I was doing outgoing therapy/day treatment in a psych ward. However, I still practice some of the skills by journaling, keeping calendars, coloring, and practicing affirmations. I report back to my partner instead of a therapist, and he'll usually engage me in questions about why I wrote what I wrote or decided to use the colors that I did.
Crystal healing can be very 'hands on', where you place corresponding crystals onto chakra points, or it can be 'hands off' where you use pendulums and wands over the body to invoke healing energy.
My partner has his own support, as do I. The thing is, though, neither of us really want to be around anyone else right now. I've found a balance between giving him space when he needs it and being there when he needs me, but it's...weird. Everyone we know has either become suspiciously quiet or EXTREMELY, obnoxiously doting since the ER visit. It kind of makes it worse for both of us.

I applied for food stamps, got approved, but they scheduled an appointment for me without notifying me so I missed it and now they say I have to wait until the end of this year to apply again. Bull shit, I say! And before I got pregnant, Medicaid told me that I made too much money to qualify even though I alone only make about $10,000 a year. That's less than a year's worth of rent, how am I supposed to afford a place to live AND eat AND see doctors? As much as I am for social programs, they are greatly flawed.
P.S, sorry if this response seems scattered, I tried to type it out about 3 times and the draft never saved the whole thing so I just...condensed it.



At my worst I was going back and forth between seizing and going unconscious whilst foaming at the mouth...yeah, I never want to be there again. It's just really tempting to check out for a minute. I don't want to die and I know my problems won't be solved, but if I could go a day without having to relive how the I.V felt or re-hear the words, "I can't find a heart beat", that would be swell. There are literal voices in my brain telling me that my baby is dead, I think I'm entitled to a drug-induced break down. But I've been sober for 2 years, so aren't I past the point of NA? I have the greatest support in the world; my partner has been so loving and tentative, and was the one who got it through my head that I need to cherish myself and be gentle to my body. I just need a therapist at this point.

I'm sorry that you lost your child. No you're not past the point of NA or getting help. If anything you need it more since you are considering relapsing. It's never good to use drugs when you are grieving as CJ posted since this will not help things.

If you have used, do not beat yourself up. You're only human, and relapses do happen and are a part of the process of becoming sober/clean.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'm sorry that you lost your child. No you're not past the point of NA or getting help. If anything you need it more since you are considering relapsing. It's never good to use drugs when you are grieving as CJ posted since this will not help things.

If you have used, do not beat yourself up. You're only human, and relapses do happen and are a part of the process of becoming sober/clean.

Well said

 

[Pentakillx]

Well, I haven't relapsed. I had a break down last night over it, but all I did was drink a half-bottle of champagne. Today I've been cleaning, listening to music, and coloring to try to get through the temptation, but honestly the cravings haven't been that bad today. ^_^
I don't want to do NA because I think I'm doing well, but it's a day by day type of thing. Fortunately, I have support at home and we will be moving into a new, clean place soon. Maybe moving to a different environment will help, since I started miscarrying here. It's weird how trauma can make something as simple as a bathroom feel like a black pit without air.

 

[starting_over]

It made me very angry to read that since you missed your appointment for food stamps (while being approved), you have to wait an entire year?! I live in Canada so there isn't a food stamps program here but that sounds ridiculous. Don't take this bullshit lying down -- you go back to that office and tell them to approve the application!!

Demand to talk to the supervisor / manager / boss, not a front-line worker who probably does not have the authority to make that decision and would eventually defer to a higher-up. You have to stick up for yourself, because hardly anyone else in this world will stick up for you. Being assertive will serve you well in life.

 

[Jabberwocky]

^+1

I also think moving will help. Just try and stay on the proactive side of things in all this Penta. Xx

 

[cashmunny]

I don't know exact numbers but I've been coming around NA/AA since 1988 and seen it all pretty much. And I'm pretty sure that the prevalence of psychiatric diagnoses like depression, anxiety, and bipolar is waaaaaay higher in addicts/alcoholics than in the general population. Which is a long way of saying, have you talked to a Doctor about what you are going through?

 

[Jabberwocky]

You actually have it a bit reversed - substance use, and well as substance use disorder, is much higher among those struggling with mental illness than the general population. Shit, the drugs work pretty well at controlling symptoms of mental illness considering the dirth of options most people with mental illness face when it comes to compassionate, effective forms of treatment.

Plus, technically speaking, substance use disorder is a form of "mental illness," at least as commonly defined. Yeah people talk about it as a biopsychosocial disease, but the same can be said of any other mental illness.

On a tangential note: One day ketamine/NMDA receptor antagonists will be widely available for the treatment of conditions like depression. And that will be a glories day indeed.