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Finding happiness again

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psytaco

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 20, 2005
Messages
1,673
Location
Melbourne, Aus
I was tossing up whether to post this in SLR or in the dark side mental health section, but I thought I would post here as a lot of it has to do with relationships (in addition to depression). Mods feel free to move it if you think it would be better suited to the other forum.

I'm currently battling depression. This is the second episode I have had and many ways it was the worst. Although I am a lot better than I was in November-January, I am still not clear of it. I have been taking 15mg of Mirtazapine a day which has helped a lot, the only side effect has been that I have put on 5-7kg.

In many ways I should be happy. I have a job that I enjoy and am earning good money (twice as much as my last job). I recently bought a car having never owned one before. Apart from the depression, I am in good health. I'm still pretty young (27), can talk to people well, I'm intelligent and women tend to find me attractive.

With that said, I'm not happy. In fact, I am struggling to remember what it feels like. I get glimpses of it here and there, but it is fleeting. The thing that seems to be driving my unhappiness is the feeling of loss, injustice and anger about a breakup which was 8 months ago now. I have posted a few threads on here about it. I dated a girl for over two years. we lived together. I loved her very much and thought she was the one I was going to marry (we had talked about it a lot). She cheated on me several times and one final time she cheated and then broke up with me. She ran off with the other guy and soon married him.

Even though it has been 8 months, I still think about her daily. My feelings of anger, saddness and loss are nowhere near as strong as they were say 5 months ago, but my thoughts are still tinged with these feelings. Mostly when I think of her it is just ruminations that aren't really connected to emotions (as in I don't feel an emotion). But I think about it a lot. I would really just like it to stop. I know that thinking about the break up and about her new relationship does nothing for me. I hold no hope of ever seeing her again (as she lives overseas now) nor being with her again. Yet I cannot stop thinking about it. I know that if I can get over this then I would be a lot happier. I feel like I should be over all of this and be able to move on with my life. I just feel like my mind is stuck in the past.

The other problem that adds to this is that I am in a small country town in rural Australia (less than 2000 people) for the rest of the year. It is really fucking boring here. There is nothing to do. There are very few people my age and I haven't made any friends here. Further, I think I have seen three attractive women my age since I have been here. Nearly all of them are older or quite overweight (a lot of overweight people in this town).

I have friends in Melbourne and I get to see them about once a month which is great. However, it is a real pain in the arse to get to Melbourne as I have to drive for 4 hours. I also have to crash on someone's couch whilst there and I can't really have a big night out on drugs due to having to get back to where I live and needing to be in a good mental state for work the next day (my job is quite intellectually demanding and if they suspected drug use I would be looking for a new job pretty quickly). Further, not living in Melbourne is making meeting women really difficult.

I would like to go out and meet other women. I don't have too many problems doing it, but being far away means it is hard to date or have opportunities to meet people. I was dating a girl in Melbourne for a little while. she was attractive and interesting. we had fun together. however, she was quite demanding and full on in a clingy kind of way. However, I can't say I thought about my ex much when I was with her.

I am struggling to see a solution to my depression and these issues. Do any of you have any ideas?

It seems like my social and love life is on hold for the rest of the year. These are the parts of my life that I feel could help my depression the most. It is difficult for me to see a psychologist as there are not any for at least an hour or so drive from where I live and I work Monday-friday.

Finally, I have been in recent contact with my ex after 6 months of no contact. I sent her a message recently after I found a purse I bought her for Christmas when we were dating. I have sent it to her. She contacted me to thank me and we have had a brief interaction. I know much of the advice told me never to contact her again, but honestly I never really wanted that (although at the time it was the right thing). I know I could talk to her without getting angry and upset. I also think it may be helpful in the future as I may need her to clarify somethings if I am going to forgive her or give myself some relief. If I get the opportunity to see a psychologist I will ask them about this.

Sorry I know thi was really long. I guess I needed to vent. Any advice or commentary is welcome. SLR is full of smart people and great wisdom.
 
First off, I just want to say that the idea that you 'should' be happy is meaningless. It's not because you have a job, money or whatever that your happiness is guaranteed and that you don't have a right to be unhappy or something. So if you feel guilty about being depressed when objectively you have a lot going for you, don't; it's pointless and frankly doesn't mean anything.
There's a 'rule' that it takes about half as long as the total length of any relationship to get over it (so for you that would be one year). Obviously that's a massive generalisation and it works differently for everyone, but I've actually found it to be weirdly accurate, both for myself & friends. So that would suggest that for you, it would only be after about a year that you'd start feeling okay about it. Might be true and might not be, but in any case I think it shows that it's absolutely not abnormal for you to still miss her 8 months later.
I think you need to focus on yourself for the moment and try not to think about women. It's not a good idea to get involved with someone new when you're still hung up on your ex...it would be unfair to her, and it would be unfair to you. Focus on taking care of yourself, on doing things you love, on being productive, furthering your career etc., and I guarantee in a matter of weeks you'll start feeling like you don't need anyone else in your life.
 
Exercise and creative outlets are definitely something a lot of people would suggest.

A lot of these outlets/hobbies are destroyed by depression.

Instrument playing, drawing, any type of working out (especially out when its sunny), learning to cook a new type of food are all good ways for try to find something that makes your mind go "Hey, I like this."
 
Pagey said:
First off, I just want to say that the idea that you 'should' be happy is meaningless. It's not because you have a job, money or whatever that your happiness is guaranteed and that you don't have a right to be unhappy or something. So if you feel guilty about being depressed when objectively you have a lot going for you, don't; it's pointless and frankly doesn't mean anything.
There's a 'rule' that it takes about half as long as the total length of any relationship to get over it (so for you that would be one year). Obviously that's a massive generalisation and it works differently for everyone, but I've actually found it to be weirdly accurate, both for myself & friends. So that would suggest that for you, it would only be after about a year that you'd start feeling okay about it. Might be true and might not be, but in any case I think it shows that it's absolutely not abnormal for you to still miss her 8 months later.
I think you need to focus on yourself for the moment and try not to think about women. It's not a good idea to get involved with someone new when you're still hung up on your ex...it would be unfair to her, and it would be unfair to you. Focus on taking care of yourself, on doing things you love, on being productive, furthering your career etc., and I guarantee in a matter of weeks you'll start feeling like you don't need anyone else in your life.
Click to expand...

You're right. I pretty much do nothing for myself that is enjoyable. Part of the problem is that there is nothing to do in the town. I own a car now so I can commute nearby to a gym, which is something that I have always enjoyed but haven't been doing for the last 5 months. I also need to find some hobbies and see friends in Melbourne more regularly. It just sucks been so far away from everything and from friends. I kind of feel like a lot of my life is on hold until next year. I guess I should look for hobbies in the nearby medium sized town and do that some weekends. Only problem is that it is 40 minutes away
 
Whatever you do, please don't isolate yourself. When I get really depressed I tend to isolate myself and not leave my apartment unless I absolutely have to. It might be *really* difficult to get out the door sometimes, but just taking a short walk can do wonders on your mood.
 
When I was growing up, and for summers during university/college, I lived in a small town in the middle of no where (since my parents lived there). Only 1,000 people there. My boyfriend at the time (through high school and most of college/uni) lived in the town over, a 15 minute drive. But of course, I didn't have a car unless my parents loaned theirs to me for a night (11 PM curfew...) and my boyfriend couldn't drive at all. Most of my friends lived in that town as well. During the last summer I lived there, I was dating my now boyfriend who lived an hour or so away. Again, I didn't have a car unless I borrowed it from my parents. He did have a car and visited me sometimes but, really, who wants to visit the middle of no where? :p Yeah, all my friends lived in that city (it was a decent sized city actually) as well.

So essentially, I know how it feels to be stuck in the middle of no where. When it takes a LOT of time/effort to get to where your friends are, where your hobbies are, etc.

Why don't you look for a job in Melbourne??

Seriously, when I moved to the city I live in now, everything changed. When I was in college/uni and I was in a decent sized city that actually had things (bars, clubs, people, events, public transit, heck even basic stuff like grocery stores and convenience stores) then I felt soooo much better. I felt like I could finally be myself, and enjoy myself! Rent is higher here than it would be in other places. I may be able to find a job making more money in other places. My boyfriend moved here as well, he knows he could have found a higher paying job in this other city. (We still both make good amounts of money but it would have been more in other locations.) But we chose to move here because we love it here. Everything we want is here.

Driving 40 minutes for a hobby doesn't seem too bad? It takes me 1 hour on transit to get to work every day. It takes me 30 mins - 1 hr to get to most clubs and stuff when I go partying. I'd say that would be a good start, finding something to do in that medium sized town. There has to be something going on there! I'm sure you could find some new friends or some new hobbies if you give that a try. As well, keep going to the gym! It's good for you and it's something you like.

What else do you enjoy doing? Things that you used to do I mean? Like what were your hobbies?
 
(Threads from TDS and SLR merged - psytaco, in the future please avoid making the same threads over different forums, thanks :) )
 
Pagey said:
There's a 'rule' that it takes about half as long as the total length of any relationship to get over it (so for you that would be one year).
Click to expand...

FML.. Yeah I got out of a 2 year relationship, first love, about 3 months ago. I was doing fine for the last while but about a week ago I rebounded back down into the gutter. :( 1 year of this shit? x_x
 
it takes time to get over someone. it will happen

you need a social support network. i like good money but i work to live not live to work. that town is sucking your soul dry. 2000 people is a way too small a place to live unless you have lots of friends and family there.

that girl treated you like shit and now you feel shit- it wont last forever.

in all honesty your isolation is making it wayyyy worse because if you were out with friends in your free time she wouldn't be on your mind as much.

if you met a woman you liked that would also help. cant you get this type of job back in melbourne?
 
pofacedhoe said:
it takes time to get over someone. it will happen

you need a social support network. i like good money but i work to live not live to work. that town is sucking your soul dry. 2000 people is a way too small a place to live unless you have lots of friends and family there.

that girl treated you like shit and now you feel shit- it wont last forever.

in all honesty your isolation is making it wayyyy worse because if you were out with friends in your free time she wouldn't be on your mind as much.

if you met a woman you liked that would also help. cant you get this type of job back in melbourne?
Click to expand...

Yeah I can get the same type of job in Melbourne but I am on a contract here until the end of December. I'll be applying jobs in Melbourne towards the end of the year
 
^ That's not lame at all! It's a great idea. OP, get a puppy!
 
Aw, thanks. Well, I was thinking something more small and non-commital.. like a hamster. I've always wanted a hamster (they're illegal where I live. :()
 
psytaco said:
You're right. I pretty much do nothing for myself that is enjoyable. Part of the problem is that there is nothing to do in the town. I own a car now so I can commute nearby to a gym, which is something that I have always enjoyed but haven't been doing for the last 5 months. I also need to find some hobbies and see friends in Melbourne more regularly. It just sucks been so far away from everything and from friends. I kind of feel like a lot of my life is on hold until next year. I guess I should look for hobbies in the nearby medium sized town and do that some weekends. Only problem is that it is 40 minutes away
Click to expand...

In my experience, once you make that first step towards taking care of yourself and doing things you love - whether it be the gym, a hobby, classes, whatever - your life in general tends to get better exponentially. It's all about getting into a new routine where you incorporate things that'll make you happy both in the short and long terms - and a new routine will help you realise life does go on without this woman. Go to the gym today rather than putting it off til the week-end, that kinda thing. I find anything creative is particularly helpful because you get a sort of physical proof of your work, and the plus side is you rarely need to be in a big city to indulge in it. I can imagine it must be really tough living in a place with so few opportunities, but you can always create those opportunities yourself.

Lustmord said:
FML.. Yeah I got out of a 2 year relationship, first love, about 3 months ago. I was doing fine for the last while but about a week ago I rebounded back down into the gutter. :( 1 year of this shit? x_x
Click to expand...

Not necessarily, it's just a general rule of thumb, I'm sure it varies a lot from person to person - I know it sounds a bit discouraging but I didn't mean it that way! Took me a bit over a year to get over a 2-3 year relationship but after the first 4/5 months I hardly even thought about him anymore. What I meant is that it was just after a year that I could think about him and experience no negative feelings whatsoever...doesn't at all mean the whole rest of the time was bad or miserable. Chin up, it really does get easier :)
 
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