Figuring My Sexuality Out

[geoffreychaucer]

Okay, so, what am I?
Of course, the need to define myself is pretty dumb and only a product of our hetero-normative society. But I am confused. I am definitely attracted to girls, sexually and romantically. That is clear. But my attraction to men comes and goes and I'm not sure from one moment to the next if I am deluding myself into thinking I am bi or deluding myself into thinking I am not. Sometimes I feel so attracted sexually to men and other times not at all.
Definitely if I have had a little to drink, and really, I mean a little, like 2 drinks, I suddenly can't imagine not calling myself bi. I know the responses to this will probably tell me that I need more experience with men and women to really find out what I like, and I would agree. But until then, what is it like for any of you to call yourselves bi? Was it obvious at first? Or did it come with experience to fully recognize. Okay, so I have only had sex with one girl, my ex. And get this, I never came. I was turned on during sex somewhat but not enough to cum or even stay hard. But when I masturbate I always think about girls. But get this, I really have thing for... the ass. The asshole specifically. Again, I have a thing for girls' asses. That's normal enough. But I just don't find vaginal penetration very arousing. So what does this mean?
I have hooked up with one guy. Just made out. I was very drunk. But I would totally do more if the chance arose with a guy I liked. And of course, if my inhibitions were down. So what's going on here in your much-better-informed opinions. It's very confusing. I am totally open to the idea of course. In fact, I would prefer it to be bi as it would certainly open up more opportunities for sex. But then again, some bigoted part of me is uncomfortable with the idea I am guessing. And this is why I tend to need alcohol to feel bi. So maybe I am answering my own question. In this case, me thinking that I am bi, is it possible that I am deluding myself into thinking I am more than I am? Thank you for the feedback.

 

[AbsintheKittie]

To answer one of your questions, I call my self Hetroflexable.. For the most part girls do not do it for me but every once in a blue moon one will turn my head and get me interested. My other half considers himself Bisexual as he has a 60/40 split girls/ guys..

I think you did answer your own question.. but you keep fighting your self on it.. When you lower you defenses by drinking you are less worried about what others think of you and the preconceived notions drilled into us by society. I think you are so worried what others think and how they will or will not see you that you are stressing your self out.. You are not going to be attracted to every girl.. So why would you be attracted to every guy? You are not! in fact there may only be a small percentage of the male population that does do it for you. I have male friends whom only like smooth, tall muscular guys and girls.. and yet others who like more fem guys... and still others who dig the most stereo-typical male that they can find.. the more Jock the better..

Only advice I can offer would be.. just do what feels right...take it slow and don't fear what could be..

 

[Raz]

Only advice I can offer would be.. just do what feels right...take it slow and don't fear what could be..

This.

I always say a label is something you put on yourself to give other people an idea as to how you want them to see you. It's not actually who you are.

I have a friend who calls herself a lesbian but has been in a monogamous relationship with a guy for years now. I have other friends who say they're bi even though they have been in relationships purely with men for a decade or more. At the end of the day, just do what feels right for you, and remember that you might call yourself bi today and then three weeks down the track decide you're gay...you're allowed to do that, fuck people who have issues coping with it (or don't fuck them as the case may be)

 

[Expansion420]

As mentioned, labels makes things confusing.
I have been 'bisexual' for as long as I can remember, and I am also a man.

I have never had vaginal intercourse, but I have had plenty of sexual encounters with both men and women, mostly men to be honest.

I consider myself human. I don't care what anyone thinks of the choices I make in the bedroom.
Are you comfortable with the idea of dating and or marrying another man? If not, then you just like sex and exploring different avenues, which I feel our society should encourage more so, because I have had some of the most enjoyable sexual experiences with other dudes!

Sharing a sexual experience with another human, I feel, is not limited to gender. The important aspect of sex is love making and passion giving/receiving. To make someone feel good on that level is arousing in itself, and I think that it's really okay if the idea of sucking your friend's dick or spending a night at a buddy's apartment for fun (after a few of those drinks of yours) is totally something worth exploring. It's all about following your heart. Just do what makes you happy and everything else will fall into place

 

[Pagey]

Yeah, labels are pretty pointless.
I personally don't really know where I stand, I'm definitely much more attracted to guys and I've always only dated guys, but it's happened for me to have a thing for a girl as well. I did try sleeping with a girl, I didn't particularly like it, probably won't do it again, but doesn't mean I can't still be attracted to girls once in a while.
Sexualities are complicated and labels reduce them to straightforwardness. If you want to have a sexual experience with a guy, have it! But don't feel like you have to just to see where you stand.

 

[Crashing]

I would think that this is pretty common among drug users/underground communities. I really wouldn't even worry about it at all, just go along for the ride and love whoever feels right.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

Repeat to yourself - "I am a sexual being".

GO out and experiment. Try not to overanalyze things. Take it from someone who has been there, and literally only JUST resolved this same issue. Stress and emotions can cloud your judgement, leading you up up the garden path on a wild goose chase, as can drugs. I found a spliff and a wank gave me the clarity I needed, so choose either to experiment and find out practically, or choose to believe yourself when you are relaxed (post-small dram o' drink or a joint).

Any other time, and your deductive skills could be compromised.

 

[augustaB]

Repeat to yourself every time you find yourself suppressing a thought about same-sex sex that this is perfectly normal and that your feelings of guilt are simply the result of somebody else trying to impose a different value system on you.
It's about you and what you like and need. Enjoy your life and explore your feelings.

 

[Effuzion]

If you're a dude and dudes turn you on, at all, you are gay. Not bi. Gay. Homo fucking sexual.

I don't think there's such thing as bisexual. I've had friends who were quite obviously gay but thought they were straight, and when they first came out they labeled themselves as "bi". All my straight and gay friends, however, readily agreed: there's no such thing as bisexual. And of course, eventually those "bi" friends came out as full blown gay later on. I think it's a term people use to ease the transition. They're coming from a place of total denial about their sexuality and it takes time to make sense of those 18 years or whatever that they repressed their natural urges.

My thoughts: you're one of those guys. Anyone who can say

I am definitely attracted to girls, sexually and romantically.

And then say

But I just don't find vaginal penetration very arousing.

Is in a lot of denial. That's perfectly normal; I've never met a gay dude who was totally honest about his sexuality from the day he was born. But you should stop kidding yourself about the "bi" thing. If you think you like guys at all, you should explore that. If you're not completely repulsed by it, chances are you're gay.

 

[tomdpimp]

You've had sex once! Have more sex. Try both sides. Hell go for random action. Use craigslist to have some fun.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

You've had sex once! Have more sex. Try both sides. Hell go for random action. Use craigslist to have some fun.

Is this seriously your advice?
Go on craigslist and fuck some random?? 8(
Oh my....




Anyway... to the op:
Throughout life, people are constantly trying to figure out who they are. I don't just mean sexually.
People are always trying to mold themselves into who they want to be with certain beliefs, and morals.

It's okay to not put a label on things.
It's okay to not force yourself to decide on anything and set it in stone.
And further more, it's okay to just go with the flow and experiment with certain situations as they approach you.

Keep an open and honest mind and instead of trying to find the answer, let the answer find you.
You can never really hide from who you really are.

 

[Abject]

1/10

Try harder Effuzion, far too blatant.

 

[Raz]

Is in a lot of denial.

Ummmm, no. Not necessarily, anyway.

I can count the number of girls I have been sexually attracted to on one hand and have space left over, and the number of guys I have fucked could fill a Chinese telephone book so I feel pretty confident in describing myself as a gay man...but for years the idea of anal sex with a guy turned me off even though I was definitely attracted to guys romantically and sexually. And a lot of gay guys will say they've experienced the same thing (you'll note that I am not speaking for every gay dude I've met because unlike yourself I'm not telepathic and can only really speak from my own experience).

Similarly, I know a bunch of women who would describe themselves as straight, they love the cock, but the idea of going down on one repulses them. I guess that makes them closet lesbians? People can actually be sexually attracted to someone without being turned on by the idea of doing every possible sexual act with that person.

And for what it's worth, I was totally honest about my sexuality from the day I was born (well from the day I was old enough to recognise that I had sexuality anyway....don't really remember fantasising about cock when I was watching Sesame Street as a kid tbh....), and I know a lot of other gay guys who were also. Some of us have been through a lot of shit because we have been confident and upfront about ourselves since day one, so it's kind of insulting to have some patronising douche make baseless proclamations about how we're just kidding ourselves about who we are until we can describe ourselves in a way that fits your limited worldview.

Granted, I haven't met you and I assume none of my friends have either so I can't definitively say you're talking out your ass with your startling insights into the psyche of every gay dude you've ever met, but I am gonna assume that you are anyway

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

^ Hi you

 

[Effuzion]

I don't really want to turn the topic of this post away from helping the OP into turning it into one about me destroying people's logic so I'll make it short:

Ummmm, no. Not necessarily, anyway.

I can count the number of girls I have been sexually attracted to on one hand and have space left over, and the number of guys I have fucked could fill a Chinese telephone book so I feel pretty confident in describing myself as a gay man...but for years the idea of anal sex with a guy turned me off even though I was definitely attracted to guys romantically and sexually. And a lot of gay guys will say they've experienced the same thing (you'll note that I am not speaking for every gay dude I've met because unlike yourself I'm not telepathic and can only really speak from my own experience).

What's your point? Straight guys go through that too, where they think having sex with a girl is "gross"... until they cross that line and actually have sex for the first time. The fact that the OP "doesn't find vaginal penetration very arousing" (his words) after having sex is a pretty obvious sign that maybe, just maybe, he doesn't like girls.

Similarly, I know a bunch of women who would describe themselves as straight, they love the cock, but the idea of going down on one repulses them. I guess that makes them closet lesbians? People can actually be sexually attracted to someone without being turned on by the idea of doing every possible sexual act with that person.

Apples and oranges. Finding a girl who is straight and doesn't like to give head is easy. Finding a girl who's straight but isn't turned on by vaginal penetration is impossible.

And for what it's worth, I was totally honest about my sexuality from the day I was born (well from the day I was old enough to recognise that I had sexuality anyway....don't really remember fantasising about cock when I was watching Sesame Street as a kid tbh....), and I know a lot of other gay guys who were also. Some of us have been through a lot of shit because we have been confident and upfront about ourselves since day one, so it's kind of insulting to have some patronising douche make baseless proclamations about how we're just kidding ourselves about who we are until we can describe ourselves in a way that fits your limited worldview.

How did I make any baseless proclamations? I said "every gay guy I know" when talking about gay guys. I never said every gay guy in the world is exactly like this. All I did was speak from my experience. You're reading things that aren't there.

Granted, I haven't met you and I assume none of my friends have either so I can't definitively say you're talking out your ass with your startling insights into the psyche of every gay dude you've ever met, but I am gonna assume that you are anyway

Well, I haven't met you, but I can take a wild guess and assume you're a pretentious douche who gets offended any time someone has a strong opinion.

 

[Ronnie84]

Take the wank test

!!!

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

oh what a fool. Homosexuality and bisexuality are not mutually exclusive necessarily. Being gay just means you are happpy...in this case OP is not happy.

We of the bi community politely tell you to fuck off. :D

If you're a dude and dudes turn you on, at all, you are gay. Not bi. Gay. Homo fucking sexual.

I don't think there's such thing as bisexual. I've had friends who were quite obviously gay but thought they were straight, and when they first came out they labeled themselves as "bi". All my straight and gay friends, however, readily agreed: there's no such thing as bisexual. And of course, eventually those "bi" friends came out as full blown gay later on. I think it's a term people use to ease the transition. They're coming from a place of total denial about their sexuality and it takes time to make sense of those 18 years or whatever that they repressed their natural urges.

My thoughts: you're one of those guys. Anyone who can say



And then say



Is in a lot of denial. That's perfectly normal; I've never met a gay dude who was totally honest about his sexuality from the day he was born. But you should stop kidding yourself about the "bi" thing. If you think you like guys at all, you should explore that. If you're not completely repulsed by it, chances are you're gay.

 

[AbsintheKittie]

^^^^^^ I 2nd this ^^^^^^

 

[Raz]

I don't really want to turn the topic of this post away from helping the OP into turning it into one about me destroying people's logic so I'll make it short:



What's your point? Straight guys go through that too, where they think having sex with a girl is "gross"... until they cross that line and actually have sex for the first time. The fact that the OP "doesn't find vaginal penetration very arousing" (his words) after having sex is a pretty obvious sign that maybe, just maybe, he doesn't like girls.

Perhaps I should have explained better, my apologies. After I had actually begun having anal sex, I still found it did nothing for me and it took a while before it didn't gross me out a little bit. Several years even. Now of course I love it, but it took a while for me to get there. I don't have any difficulty believing that other people prefer one sexual act over another because that was my experience for a long time.

Apples and oranges. Finding a girl who is straight and doesn't like to give head is easy. Finding a girl who's straight but isn't turned on by vaginal penetration is impossible.

An entire industry based on telling women how to enjoy penetrative sex would disagree with you.

How did I make any baseless proclamations? I said "every gay guy I know" when talking about gay guys. I never said every gay guy in the world is exactly like this. All I did was speak from my experience. You're reading things that aren't there.

Fair enough. In all honesty I can't claim that I know every gay guy you have ever met, so I will have to give you this one.

Well, I haven't met you, but I can take a wild guess and assume you're a pretentious douche who gets offended any time someone has a strong opinion.

That would be the first time I've ever been called pretentious to the best of my knowledge. I can cross that one off the list now, thanks! :D And I am all in favor of opinions, just not so much in favor of telling an entire cross-section of humanity that they don't exist because it threatens my delicate worldview. Defending bisexual people is the new douche I guess.

PS THE BIT THAT MATTERS: HI iLoveYouWithaKnife!!!!!!!

 

[pofacedhoe]

i think you need to focus on lowering your inhibitions without alcohol and then you will have your answer

also while bisexuals exist if you are fucking a woman and you cant come because its not turning you on enough then that suggests you are not that into them. i had the same thing with a straight friend where we would get it on when drunk but he would never cum. so annoying, but it happened because he's not that into men despite exploratory behaviour