Mental Health Fighting emotions...

[budsnbars712]

I am a 24 male right now and I have been through a lot of shit (who hasn't right?). Father passed when I was 17, lost a girl I was with for 1/3 of my life, been loosing friends left and right (or at least avoiding me) because of all the shit I create in my own head. I battle depression and a huge part of it is I have no self-confidence. When I recently lost the only person I was close to (girlfriend), I have been completely lost since then...She was there for my fathers death and she was the one I looked up too. She was the CLEAN outlet in my life (no drugs, alcohol). Me on the other hand, I have been smoking pot from age of 14, so a full ten years. And then I started taking xanax thinking it would help with my depression.....(it did, temporarily)

I go through these phases where I just cannot tolerate dealing with this loneliness. I think about doing horrible things to myself, and other people that I hate. I am not an "outcast". I look like I belong in the army. You would never know that I am depressed until you get to know me. Maybe the one thing that gives it away is that I am talkative when I am anxious around new people or even my friends. I am constantly thinking compulsively (what if this, what if that). For years I thought I was just thinking cautiously to avoid getting hurt. Now I realize its compulsive thinking. I have been depressed for basically as long as I can remember, now all of this on top of it is just overwhelming. Sometimes it almost is a relief to feel these emotions, as I realize I am still human.

Point is, sometimes I will hear a sad song or see a sad seen in a movie and I just cannot fight these emotions off anymore. I have been "trying" to put on an act forever pretending that none of this affects me, but I let it seep out to my friends, and then they distance themselves. It really sucks. I understand no one can do anything for me as I have to fight my own battles but it is just getting harder and harder. I try and push thru this shit almost everyday and have been on anti-depressents and what not, with no luck of getting any better.

I just finally want to be able to man the fuck up and just deal with life. Instead I feel like a loser all day and go home to get stoned and escape reality in some way or form (video games, movie). I just feel so fucking overwhelmed with everything in life that I want to just not deal with it anymore. I have been trying to step up and take it on, but I feel I just get pushed back down again someway. I let peoples opinions affect me way to much. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even think I ever really did.

How do I fight these emotions anymore by myself? I am so not used to being alone that my friends can feel this coming off of me and that is the reason the distance themselves. That is a huge issue...Fuck councilers as they are just fake, paid "friends" who listen and give shit advice and are just in it for the money. I guess I am just going to have to keep battling it out by myself? Until I find myself? Then maybe people wont distance themselves anymore? Xanax makes my friends think I have major issues, but I keep that under control for the most part. I just want to hit the ex gf up and break down, but that's not an option anymore....I can't tame these emotions anymore, the xanax worked for a while, now I just take it to keep me level and not freak the fuck out.

 

[spork]

I know how hard it can be to try to recover from feelings that you've hid for so long. It does sound like you've kept a lot of feelings inside and it might be easier if you try to separate the issues and work on one at a time so they aren't so overwhelming. I understand your dislike of counselors and therapists, but I do assure you that not all (in fact most) aren't in it for the money. They really do want to do all they can to help you. Oftentimes it takes a lot of trial and error to find a counselor that is right for you. I'd suggest you keep trying to find one who is a good match for you and you can confide in.

If you do feel like you immediately need help, by all means go to your nearest emergency room to seek help and you can also call 1-800-273-8255 (A 24 hour suicide and crisis hotline). I hope things start to look up for you soon.

 

[Achten]

I am a 24 male right now and I have been through a lot of shit (who hasn't right?). Father passed when I was 17, lost a girl I was with for 1/3 of my life, been loosing friends left and right (or at least avoiding me) because of all the shit I create in my own head. I battle depression and a huge part of it is I have no self-confidence. When I recently lost the only person I was close to (girlfriend), I have been completely lost since then...She was there for my fathers death and she was the one I looked up too. She was the CLEAN outlet in my life (no drugs, alcohol). Me on the other hand, I have been smoking pot from age of 14, so a full ten years. And then I started taking xanax thinking it would help with my depression.....(it did, temporarily)

I go through these phases where I just cannot tolerate dealing with this loneliness. I think about doing horrible things to myself, and other people that I hate. I am not an "outcast". I look like I belong in the army. You would never know that I am depressed until you get to know me. Maybe the one thing that gives it away is that I am talkative when I am anxious around new people or even my friends. I am constantly thinking compulsively (what if this, what if that). For years I thought I was just thinking cautiously to avoid getting hurt. Now I realize its compulsive thinking. I have been depressed for basically as long as I can remember, now all of this on top of it is just overwhelming. Sometimes it almost is a relief to feel these emotions, as I realize I am still human.

Point is, sometimes I will hear a sad song or see a sad seen in a movie and I just cannot fight these emotions off anymore. I have been "trying" to put on an act forever pretending that none of this affects me, but I let it seep out to my friends, and then they distance themselves. It really sucks. I understand no one can do anything for me as I have to fight my own battles but it is just getting harder and harder. I try and push thru this shit almost everyday and have been on anti-depressents and what not, with no luck of getting any better.

I just finally want to be able to man the fuck up and just deal with life. Instead I feel like a loser all day and go home to get stoned and escape reality in some way or form (video games, movie). I just feel so fucking overwhelmed with everything in life that I want to just not deal with it anymore. I have been trying to step up and take it on, but I feel I just get pushed back down again someway. I let peoples opinions affect me way to much. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even think I ever really did.

How do I fight these emotions anymore by myself? I am so not used to being alone that my friends can feel this coming off of me and that is the reason the distance themselves. That is a huge issue...Fuck councilers as they are just fake, paid "friends" who listen and give shit advice and are just in it for the money. I guess I am just going to have to keep battling it out by myself? Until I find myself? Then maybe people wont distance themselves anymore? Xanax makes my friends think I have major issues, but I keep that under control for the most part. I just want to hit the ex gf up and break down, but that's not an option anymore....I can't tame these emotions anymore, the xanax worked for a while, now I just take it to keep me level and not freak the fuck out.

Maybe that's your issue, the fighting.

Not that our life stories seem similar but I had kept in my emotions for too long as well. I tried to fight them but I believe now (after a few intense psychedelic experiences, but that's beside the point) that it was not the right way for me.
It felt so much better when I let my emotions run through me.
I believe humans are the pinnacle in evolution, for now, and what we're here to do is translate that raw and pure energy of the Universe and translate it in emotions.
But we are the pilots. We're not robots but we do in some degree have an influence on our emotions.

That being said; if you hear a sad song, or see a sad scene in a movie, let it hit you. Don't fight the emotions but let it touch you, hard.
That's what music and television is (for me anyways). When it's well-made, it changes our emotions and I for one have learned to enjoy that.

I don't think these councellors mean badly, but I can understand what you say. I have been to a psychiatrist and while I didn't realize it back then, when I look back at it now, the guy didn't have a clue what i was going through. And that's because I didn't. When I found out who I was it became all clear. Well more or less, still lots of work to do but now I have an objective.

You'll have to help yourself, no one can do it for you.
But if you enjoy a good show, and are at a point in your life where you want some change, watch Twin Peaks. IMO, it is about the nature of emotions, the origin of good and bad, and how we are influenced by them. By all means, light up during, it'll only make it more interesting! I would maybe suggest dropping the Xanax while you watch it, to make sure you don't shut yourself off from what's happening.

Good luck with your life and let us now if anything develops.

 

[neversickanymore]

From personal experience I implore identifying your true values and morals. When you figure out what YOU value as well as identify morals that are important then you can begin to lead a life that emphasizes and enriches what is important to you and you can live that life adhering to the morals that YOU feel are important and set for yourself. I feel this may have a dramatic affect on finding out who you are and what you are about. As you realize what Your values are you will no longer look to other peoples values to set your path. you will no longer judge yourself by others reactions to you and your ideas and you will stop measuring yourself against or pursuing a life based on what other people or society claim is important. With work on figuring this out, an inventory of what you value and an unwavering standard of conduct for YOUR actions, that you reconsider as necessary and ideas on how to pursue whats important to you is a good start. With work you will not need others approvals as you will approve of yourself. This along with working toward and realizing your new goals should instill a true unwavering confidence, and nothing is more attractive than HUMBLE confidence. Whats in your heart? Pursue it.

 

[K10dunst]

Man, I've been in your position and I really empathize, I really do. I have a few pieces of advice that I think will really help.

First, a couple things you can do immediately. One thing it sounds like you're doing by saying several times you're "fighting" the emotions is making an effort to not be overcome by them, to fight them or avoid them. As humans we do that naturally, but as it turns out it's actually the worst thing you can do to make the pain go away. You should start by trying to embrace the negative emotion, really let it overtake you and own you for 15 minutes or a half hour, surrender to it. Let yourself experience it. This will act like a pressure release valve. I know it's counterintuitive. But a good comparison is, say, a fist fight. Women never seem to understand why men feel they need to fight to resolve something, even with a friend. But as men, we know as soon as we do, that's it, it'll be cool. It's because we embrace the anger when we do and then it's fine.

Another thing that really helps me is stopping when I feel overwhelmed by emotion and putting a name to it. Stopping dead and asking myself, "what emotion m I feeling? Why am I feeling it?" The answer might be "I'm angry, because I feel like I've ben disrespected." You'll be surprised- the emotion will often vanish instantly. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't tried it and had it happen.

Third, don't hesitate any longer to get help, find counseling. I know as men we have this thing with seeing it as weak, but that's looking at it wrong. What's TRULY weak is not stepping up to the plate and swallowing some pride to get done what needs to get done, for you and those that love you. Trying to figure yourself out is like trying to see your back without a mirror. You need another set of eyes look at you from the outside vantage point

 

[Pariahprose]

well u have taken the first step by posting how u feel on here. Kudos for that...Ya, it does suck though 2 lose the one person u held onto and counted on 2 help keep u sober,but man, u can really only count on urself. It seems like u already know that though but you are having a hard time trusting and counting on urself, you are consumed by the idea that we all are our own worst enemies...Granted,that is true,but when u let that idea consume u it controls u keeping u shackled doomed 2 repeat the insanity u have already had 2 endure.

However, there is hope. I know u might not like therapist,psychologists,counselors or whatever u want 2 call them,but there are some good ones out there who sincerely want 2 help and listen. Go to one,have at least 2-3 sessions with them,and decide if they are the right one for you,if not,ask 2 see someone else.I am not fond of psychologists myself but I go 2 one...PM me and I will b an ear 2 listen and help out when I can...got more 2 say to ur OP but someone is needing 2 use my phone,so hit me up

Pariahprose

 

[lonewolf05]

Ok, most addicts hate hearing this but here goes. By taking (abusing) Xanax or any drug in general you have changed your brain's chemistry and totally fucked up your central nervous system. If you get clean, and stay clean for several months you will begin to feel normal again. Honestly dude the next 6 months are going to go by whether you're a drug addict, whether you're clean, whether you're getting worse, whether you're getting better, whether you're alive, or whether you're dead. Why not put all of this shit behind you so when July gets here you're in a much happier place in your life?

 

[Pariahprose]

Ok, most addicts hate hearing this but here goes. By taking (abusing) Xanax or any drug in general you have changed your brain's chemistry and totally fucked up your central nervous system. If you get clean, and stay clean for several months you will begin to feel normal again. Honestly dude the next 6 months are going to go by whether you're a drug addict, whether you're clean, whether you're getting worse, whether you're getting better, whether you're alive, or whether you're dead. Why not put all of this shit behind you so when July gets here you're in a much happier place in your life?

Agreed...one of the essential parts of recovery is telling the addict the hard things they know are true deep down,but dont want 2 hear...How hardcore are u on benzos because withdrawl from them can potentially be life threatning(along with alcohol and GHB/GBL). If ur really bad on them,would definatly recomend a detox facility to minimize risk. Ya,six months sounds about right for brain chemistry 2 reset from benzos, a year at max probably.Definatly expect rebound anxiety for about six wks as well...fyi Meth=36-48 months for brain chemistry 2 reset Hallucinogens= Unknown, if ever(maybe this is a good thing for some,lol,if anyone knows how long it takes for brain chemistry 2 reset from other substances plz post, I wud like 2 know for referance).At least your not looking at 3-4 yrs or an unknown amount of time for ur chemistry 2 reboot.
Pariahprose

 

[Korn3x]

Wow this sounds very similar to me. I am actually for the first time posting a thread in this subforum. I have been meaning to post some questions about similar issues for quite some time (over a year it seems, that i've been away from the forums). Look for it today maybe we can get this sorted out.

 

[iliketoast]

Being in a dark hole sucks, I'm so sorry you're there. I can't remember a time I wasn't dealing with depression to some degree. A lot of the feelings you mentioned in your post I can completely relate to.

I totally agree with the above posters who say stop fighting your emotions! They will just pile up and add more to your overwhelm. Have you tried writing or journaling at all? It seems like you do a lot of thinking, it helps to get it out! Type or handwrite, just get it out of your head!

I used to hate therapists too - why should I have to pay someone to pretend to care? I now see it as paying them for their experience and education in ways of dealing with the bullshit. And it IS good to just be able to talk without fear. I'm not a great patient, I miss a lot of appointments, but I've also gained good, new ways of thinking from seeing a therapist. It takes the right person/style for YOU; I don't speak freely, so my therapist is pretty talkative, prompting me to talk, asking questions - rather than just sitting there nodding "mmmhmm...I see...." Don't give up!!

Power through!! Sometimes just getting up to open the blinds and look out the window can change my motivation and mood levels just enough to function...find what switches you around.

Don't drown in yourself... We're all here.

 

[budsnbars712]

I want to start off by saying Thank you to all the posters in this thread. Everyone has been very open and respectful, with lots of wonderful advice. I am sorry it took me so long to respond as I do not like even reading about my issues or talking about them, unless I am feeling them at the moment. It is just another way of me avoiding my feelings. Now I know that is not the right way to go about it (especially after reading these posts), but thinking about it just makes it worse. Like most addicts, I avoid shit I don't want to deal with until I am forced to think about it again. Now I am back at work by myself, with too much time to think....I wake up when the work week begins (for me sundays), and overwhelm myself with the same shit every week. I think "ah fuck, time to deal with life again". Then I become overwhelmed and will sometimes unwillingly vomit from anxiety before the day begins (as I toss and turn in bed and think what lies ahead). I guess that is because I tend to try and escape reality on the weekends and just ignore my issues and try and be happy for my two off days.

Every single contributor in here means something to me as everyone has commented with open arms...Spork definitely got it right when she/he stated that I need to "separate the issues and work on them one at a time". This is a problem with me because I easily become overwhelmed on a day that I "think too much". But I have to try and not think like that and relax and take one issue at a time. I think this goes along with what neversickanymore said in identifying my morals....This might help a lot if I take a deep breath in the morning and think "one step at a time"...

I do not believe I have enough power in myself to be able to fall to these emotions like is recommended from achten and k10dunst for even the fifteen minutes that k10 said to do. I will let this feeling take me over and sadly, will not be with this world much longer if I let these feelings hit me as hard as they are trying to...I HAVE to tame them..I know fighting emotions is wrong, but maybe controlling them isn't....

And as Pariahprose said, trusting myself is a step that needs to be taken, otherwise I will just be in this cycle of wanting acceptance from everyone else. This I believe also coincides with neversickanymore in finding my OWN morals and not just looking for acceptance from everyone else. Which should not even be a concern for me, but it is. I have a very hard time trusting myself which I never even realized until it was stated here. And to answer your question Pariahprose, my benzo use is .5 mg of xanax 5 times a day. It started with just one xanax bar (2 mg) a day when I started to deal with my feelings, and could not handle it anymore. I would use it as relief at the end of the day. Then I started thinking maybe I can just stay on this shit all day instead and keep this mentality...that is where I am at now with the drug, basically I just divide a full xanax to last me throughout the day, even though I am legally prescribed 1 mg twice a day, not .5 (5 times a day).

I wake up and "power through" these emotions just by getting up. Like recommended by iliketoast. If I do not power through, then I will be sitting in a pile of self-pity and not getting anywhere. Atleast in the state I have been in, I have a job and go to the gym and try to move on....but like I said, after a while it all becomes a "front" and just is not satisfying anymore until I deal with the problem that underlies all of this...

And last but not least, counselors...The main reason I dread these people, besides what I already stated in the OP, is that when I do not feel like dealing with my issues (like this weekend that just past, where I have the option to ignore them), I will just not want to go or deal with them. I hate having to even think and talk about these issues even when it comes up randomly, let alone having to see someone a specific time to talk about these issues. I'll just ditch to avoid the whole situation....
Thanks again for all the input from everyone, it opened a little light into my dark world these days....

 

[herbavore]

Raising boys, I was struck right away by what a double whammy guys get when it comes to cultural standards for feeling and expressing emotions. We all get the cultural directive to shove it down and repress it, or to "grow up" but guys get the "man up" in addition. I tried to encourage my little guys not only to feel but to express those feelings but the world, in the form of the media, "normal" adults and their peers, were having none of that! It felt pretty futile. I think that a lot of men actually lose their lives to this out-dated thinking, whether it is through stress related illness such as heart disease or mental health issues such as depression and crippling anxiety. I will always consider it a factor, though one among many, that contributed to my beautiful younger son losing his life.

I remember one time trying to tell my son to allow himself to feel and he shouted at me, "Why the fuck are you telling me to feel! I already FEEL. I feel too much, that's the problem." I asked him if he could step back for a minute and consider that the problem might not be the feelings themselves but the need to fight negative feelings of sadness and hurt and loneliness and then the hopelessness of always losing that fight. I think the exhaustion of this misplaced attempt to fight feelings is the key. Letting the feelings come without the obsessive thinking that says they are a permanent state rather than transient is something that helps immensely IME. It is so easy to fall into the perception of, "I will always feel like this", or , "Nothing ever changes." But these are not feelings. these are thoughts that we layer on top of feelings. Thoughts can be changed and perception can be changed.

Since my son died I have had to stuff down my emotions in a way that I am not used to simply because I need my job/income and I cannot function there in the very fluid state I usually allow myself, where crying comes and goes, often mid-sentence. This isn't healthy and I am taking steps to figure out how to deal with it. I know what it feels like to feel like a time bomb. I guess, because the feelings come from missing my son so much, I don't actually want them to go away so that is perhaps different from your situation, but only incrementally.

The best thing I have found is mindfulness practice. I share your distaste for therapy sessions though I have had therapists in the past that were life savers. there are lots of simplistic minded therapist out there but when you find one that isn't, they can be amazing healers if you allow it. Still. it is the contrived setting with the clock ticking in the corner that makes it not work for me. I find books and web resources that I can do on my own, much more helpful. Maybe you could go that route?

I'm so happy that you are getting support here. This is an incredible community that has helped me so much in surviving my son's death and giving me hope and courage to feel everything that means. In a way, that is Bluelight's greatest gift to anyone: the freedom to feel the depths of their feelings, to express them, to explore them and to get comfortable with them as a very natural part of being human.

 

[iliketoast]

My words aren't coming together well right now, but I just wanted to send some more light beams your way... you seem a little more hopeful and I am so very glad.

 

[jaspersilence]

I understand the helplessness my friend...Speaking of friends,anyone that distances themselves while you are opening up to them,IS NOT your friend.I have struggled a lot with depression,and found that turning to God,and putting it into his hands,helped the most.There is however,some things that are up to you.Someone always has it worse than you.Keep that in the front of your mind.It sounds that your life lacks substance.Probably because of lack of hobbies(not video games).You mentioned the military???That is always a good option.It will help discipline yourself,and gain motivation,and confidence.Find passions in your life...Strive to leave behind a legacy...Don't let a little pain slow you down from owning every moment...There is always medication as well...Talk to a doctor about AMITRIPTYLINE...

 

[Vaya]

I do not believe I have enough power in myself to be able to fall to these emotions like is recommended from achten and k10dunst for even the fifteen minutes that k10 said to do. I will let this feeling take me over and sadly, will not be with this world much longer if I let these feelings hit me as hard as they are trying to...I HAVE to tame them..I know fighting emotions is wrong, but maybe controlling them isn't....

It's interesting, but even before clicking your thread, my first thought was that "fighting" and "emotions" truly should never be used to connect one another. And then Achten and k10dunst just double-smashed the nail on the head with their responses. I thought it was especially insightful, Achten, of you to point out the multiple use of the word fight in the thread's title and content. I think it reflects an especially interesting aspect of being human - when we express our problems to others, we often reveal direct or indirect clues as to what the root of the problem likely is! I've been known to do it myself and budsnbars712 let me simply say that I think this is why the action of vocalizing an issue to someone else has so many potential benefits. Other people can be profound mirrors, reflecting words and thoughts back to someone but interpreted through a different prism of perspective.

My experience has shown me that my perspective just is not always a reflection of reality, especially when I find myself in an unfamiliar, dark and lonely place.

...And you did just that. You spoke up; said something about these issues that have you so bent up. Fantastic first step, and I hope you stick around, man!

Anyway, those two did a wonderful job of extrapolating on why fighting emotions is so self-destructive and extrapolating on alternative methods of coping, however counter-intuitive they may at first feel. I don't think I want to cover their tracks. But in the part I quoted from your second post, you suggest knowing that you would do something terrible to yourself if you didn't avoid your emotions. I was left wondering, "Why?"

Let's be honest; you've gone through some shit. Acknowledging it does not minimize the reality of what you've gone through.

To extend beyond that, let's again be honest. Whether we ascribe the word fight or tame or control to our emotions - well, are we not really talking about precisely the same intuitive reaction of avoiding painful experience? The mind and the body occupy two wholly different universes, and a different set of laws governs each. Avoiding physical pain is clearly to the benefit of our body's health, but I do not believe the same can be said of avoiding psychological pain. There are some exceptions, but by-and-large almost all of our internal world is governed by rational (logical) thinking and emotions. And as real as is the logic applied to (2 x 5) + 2 = 12 is, so too is the reality - and profoundness - of our emotions. Denying them leaves us crippled and defenseless when we are called upon to deal with life on life's terms. What could be the benefit from tuning down the intensity of those emotions whose purpose is to allow us to identify that there is a problem to be faced at all?

PTSD victims show some of their highest rates of recovery during exposure therapy, where they willingly subject themselves to the sensations elicited by a mortifying experience of the past in pursuit of coming to terms with the past and being freed from the vicious cycle that attempting to hide from fear had them caught in for years or decades before.

I don't think that anything positive can be taken from trying fight that which cannot be fought, or attempting to tame that which cannot be domesticated. To do so is contrary to our shared human experience, and honestly, it sounds a little bit to me like you've felt the pangs of frustration at having failed to keep the pressure inside that boiling tea kettle. If you are looking for suggestions, please try to take some of those that have been suggested in the replies before mine. As you pointed out, they have been unanimously excellent. And if you take anything from mine, I hope for your sake only that you stop damaging your innate capabilities, which are much-needed right now to pull you through, by letting defeat at the hands of powerlessness color your self-perception any degree of hopeless.

This is, perhaps, the "H.O.W. to pull yourself back from the brink." It takes Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness in communicating to and receiving communication back from others.

Continue to feel, friend.

~ Vaya

 

[budsnbars712]

It has been a LONG time since I made this thread...as I made it in January and it is now April...

Someone PM'd me and reminded me of this thread, then I came back and read everything and appreciate everyones feedback. To be honest, I have not gotten far in the past 4 months since I have made this post except that I realize more problems..I also am beginning to taper from xanax. It is ultra sad..That is all I do (realize and don't take action)..The only progress I have made is that I realize I NEED to talk to someone like a psychologist (as I have my first appointment tonight). Exactly what vaya said. I know that talking to someone always can give you a different perspective as the person listening is looking at the situation from the outside. I just cannot do it with my friends, because they do not feel I try to do anything about it (dwell, which I do) and they don't want to hear it or don't know HOW to deal with it anymore. Just pushes them away.... At this point, I am on the verge of a mental breakdown and I don't feel like I have any other option. I kept up with the gym (to an extent, 3 times a week) and am still at the same job, but I am also the same miserable person. I have gotten by these past 4 months by smoking weed and keeping my friends around me through that (and watching sports which I feel is my only hobby these days). I have come to some realizations, such as I think that being on a short acting benzo is making me worse than better...at first, it relieved my stress and depression. Now I don't even feel like it does anything. I am most definitely dependent on this drug since I have constantly been on it for 3 yrs.

I went on a vacation exactly one month ago on a cruise and was ULTRA miserable. I went on the vacation with my sister and mother which are COMPLETELY different from me (from straight edge, to not being depressed, or realizing it atleast..and they are best friends which leaves me out). Instead of going and making friends (besides a handful of people I talked to for a night) on the boat and meeting girls to get over my relationship with my ex, I would look at everyone that was happy with a gorgeous girl and think to myself "I remember when I was there"...I would literally sit and dwell to the point where I was SO miserable the whole trip...People are probably questioning "why did you just not attempt to be one of them and find a girl and be happy again?" My answer is simple, because I compare them to what I had and everyone just comes off as a slut these days and un-comparable to what I had. I specifically went on this trip thinking it might give me a different insight and just escape me from this everyday horrible thinking that I do. I did not know how to escape this mindset when I was on the trip...I even took up to 5 mg's of xanax a day when I was on the boat and it did not remotely make me feel any better (MAYBE a tiny bit, temporarly, but sometimes it also made me worse). So then I moved onto the next option which is alcohol....which did not do the trick either..MAYBE if a drank ALOT, but I did not. I also had nightmare on day 5 and 6 of the cruise (possible from not smoking marijuana?) about my ex gf telling me she was with someone and another of a dog eating my face... I came back from the trip and felt that I had to change my life INSTANTLY.....this is when everything went sour....I felt that since I was not smoking marijuana for seven days already, that I should just stay off of it (which wasn't realistic because it is my lifestyle at this point....sad). I got rid of all my weed and smoking equipment. I also agreed to begin to taper the xanax. I was so depressed the whole trip and coming back to reality and not knowing how to handle it, I overwhelmed myself big time...I woke up the next morning in a full fledge panic attack (felt alone, lost, not in reality) even though I was still taking xanax (3 mg a day, was binging on vacation).. I had to call in sick to work like a little baby and was so overwhelmed sitting in a ball on my couch...led me to make another thread on here http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/...d-help-with-tapering-schedule-(life-or-death) . I over time realized that I cannot make such abrupt changes just because I want my life to be different, but I must take steps. I started smoking pot again, still don't have my own paraphernalia (which I see as a step because I was smoking way more by myself, I guess one step to slowing all this). And I am currently on 2 mg of xanax a day. From originally 2.5-3.0 and binging up to 5 mg. I have been on 2 mg's for two plus weeks now.. I am still miserable, still depressed, and still only seem to get thru it as the day goes on and I distract myself with other things (gym, work, smoking with friends). But this is all just a cover up to what I am feeling and then the next morning I wake up again freaking out that I am still dealing with the same cards dealt. I also obsess in the morning about things. For example, I made it a point to not talk to the ex for a couple months and give her REAL space instead of the fake space I was giving her (still talking, showing concern)..The last thing we spoke about was seeing a broadway play together for christmas (EVEN BEFORE I MADE THIS THREAD!!!). Then she never gave me a date to book the show so I was upset and decided it was time to give her that "space". I have been anxious lately about her more than usual and decided that 4 months of space was enough....I gave her a call and left a calm message saying "just seeing how your doing, and maybe we can grab a cup of coffee"....No response as it is almost a week later. And the example for obsessing about shit is that I think I saw her car last night with two people in it (looked like girls, couldn't tell much, couldn't even tell if it was her in the first place). I woke up this morning thinking about it and freaking myself out about "what if this, what if that.....why did she not make contact, I know she saw my car...was it her?" Straight obsessing in the morning about something going on that is difficult in my life everyday...

Sorry that this was so long, I just felt in was necessary to update everyone as they really put a hand out to help me...Any more feedback is appreciated!!

 

[FnX]

Few years ago, I too really tried fighting off certain extremely negative emotions. I had thought that, if I just somehow ignore, push aside, fight and flat out deny having those emotions, I could sort of train my brain not to experience them at all. It really didn't work, I was just spiraling downwards becoming more and more overwhelmed by emotional distress each passing day. I was getting desperate and started searching for a solution from places I hadn't even looked at before. Can't remember how exactly but eventually I stumbled upon something called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). I was really skeptical at first (to the point of asking myself "are you fucking kidding me?") but as I said, I was desperate, so I just gave it a try. Long story short, let's just say it completely changed the way I viewed my emotions on top of being actually quite an effective technique to relieve my anxiety. I don't exactly know how or why it works, there's way too much pseudoscience surrounding the whole EFT thing for my liking, but I do know it really helped me (and many others).

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/serina-deen-md-mph/eft_b_1536431.html <- A blog entry by a psychologist / aspiring psychiatrist where she briefly shares her experience with it.

As for the technique itself, youtube is full of often rather cheesy videos guiding one through the process. Personally I found THIS particular video clear enough for me to understand, so that's what I watched and subsequently performed myself. Takes about 20 minutes of your time, I would say that's not a big deal even if you get no benefit from it, though I really recommend having an open mind instead of starting out with a pessimistic attitude. That video has so many positive comments and a rather high like to dislike ratio so it can't be all bollocks either, eh?

Also, there are people out there trying to make money off this whole thing, but I wouldn't really recommend giving away your money to anyone as the technique can be learned from for example youtube for free. No need for fancy courses or books or anything for it to work.

 

[dimlyFourOwls]

Budsnbars,

One thing to consider is that, as a human with a brain, you are a learning machine. How long has all this been going on? I've been going through some hard times myself, and... you actually sort of get used to it. I mean, that doesn't make it any better. But what I am saying is that even the darkest, most horrible states of mind are possible to acclimate to and, once acclimated, function within.

You should still search for a solution, for a way to feel better. But realize that if you stick around long enough, you'll at least have experienced it for a while. And that's not nothing. You'll have the experience of having been in a well of darkness, and with that experience in hand your mind will develop ways to cope.

Best of luck.

 

[budsnbars712]

FnX, ill give that a shot when I am not so down and out...because right now I will not look at something like that positively. And dimlyFourOwls, to answer your question....my depressed state began when I was very young. Probably about the year 2000. As life went on, things just did not go the "right" way and I feel like I dug myself a whole I can't get out of. Hopefully finding a useful psychologist will help me. They usually make it worse though, becuase I think of how I got here and "I can't believe I need a shrink"...

 

[herbavore]

Man, I've been in your position and I really empathize, I really do. I have a few pieces of advice that I think will really help.

First, a couple things you can do immediately. One thing it sounds like you're doing by saying several times you're "fighting" the emotions is making an effort to not be overcome by them, to fight them or avoid them. As humans we do that naturally, but as it turns out it's actually the worst thing you can do to make the pain go away. You should start by trying to embrace the negative emotion, really let it overtake you and own you for 15 minutes or a half hour, surrender to it. Let yourself experience it. This will act like a pressure release valve. I know it's counterintuitive. But a good comparison is, say, a fist fight. Women never seem to understand why men feel they need to fight to resolve something, even with a friend. But as men, we know as soon as we do, that's it, it'll be cool. It's because we embrace the anger when we do and then it's fine.

Another thing that really helps me is stopping when I feel overwhelmed by emotion and putting a name to it. Stopping dead and asking myself, "what emotion m I feeling? Why am I feeling it?" The answer might be "I'm angry, because I feel like I've ben disrespected." You'll be surprised- the emotion will often vanish instantly. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't tried it and had it happen.

Third, don't hesitate any longer to get help, find counseling. I know as men we have this thing with seeing it as weak, but that's looking at it wrong. What's TRULY weak is not stepping up to the plate and swallowing some pride to get done what needs to get done, for you and those that love you. Trying to figure yourself out is like trying to see your back without a mirror. You need another set of eyes look at you from the outside vantage point

Wow. Just a great post.