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Feeling sexually disconnected from the opposite sex my whole life

venus_

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 16, 2011
Messages
32
Hello I'm 27 f. Hetero

I don't like the idea of having sex for the first time because of the idea it's supposed to be exciting. It actually just makes me nervous because I feel pressured to act excited and to act exciting. But I don't find sex with guys exciting at first and not only that, I want it to be the complete opposite. I want it to be slow. I want to actually be able to sit there and let sensations sink in without having to provide animated feed back or worry about how I'm interpreted. Even if it's the first time with someone new!

My whole life I've felt pressured to act more animated than I actually feel. You know the whole don't be a starfish shit? I feel like it applies to all sex acts to some degree at first. That's actually my casual fantasy because I'm just never allowed to have it and actually find out how well a guy CAN touch me right away. It's like illegal for a first time sex encounter to be all about the woman where she can actually relax instead of "react." Does this exist or do you always have to pre arrange before hand with a guy in like the most formal over revealing way by saying its your fantasy to just lie there and relax? Is this impossible for a woman to "cum by" naturally in the social world? Do you ALWAYS have to make sex about what the guy sees it as (better make sure he understands my body language!! Even though my body is bored as fuck and it's not allowed!)

I don't feel like it's socially acceptable to actually just be totally boring when you have sex, it's like I have to earn the right to not be impressed with a long term relationship, when I can finally demand more and admit when I'm not impressed. Which I often end up with guys that then aren't interested in getting to sexually know me when we have been together for years. They got acquainted with me in a way where they weren't truly interested in getting to know my body, and they would not care if it stayed that way, despite what they say. They don't care if I can have better orgasms alone. They actually are not interested in learning how to get to know myself as well as I do. I understand I'm the teacher, but some are not interested in mastering any baton passes. They want me to basically masturbate myself for them, and then sheepishly say they wish they could do what I can do (to be honest it's often not that amazing when they are there because I don't enjoy being a spectacle that someone doesn't understand tbh), yet it's like they don't think they can cuz they never actually try. Ever. They look at me like I'm a rubix cube no man should logically understand. I've dated 4 guys from 16-present and it's always been like this. Casual sex? Usually seems like it's about people trying to act normal or something.

Every time I act like I'm not wet right away in casual encounters (of course I'm not) it's kind of awkward. And it makes me less wet that they expect me to be wet and I'm not. I don't enjoy showing someone how to turn me on because I feel like something is "expected" of me, like I should be happy with a straight linear path to orgasm even though those kinds of orgasms are the only type guys give me and I honestly find them to be totally boring orgasms, and a very under stimulating way to have one with a partner. There's no chance for my physical appreciation to build when it's just targeted stimulation-orgasm-give him his turn. It results in a short cheap orgasm that frankly, I am tired of having. It's the same lame orgasm all men provide me with.

I don't enjoy the idea of doing all the work. I'm looking for a guy to actually engage with my real reactions because he's calmly waiting and expecting them and not too afraid of what it says about himself. I hate being that mirror; I want someone and something to actually respond to instead of worrying about how they interpret my experience. But it feels like I'm expected to serve that ego preserving function in an early sexual relationships (and even in long term relationships half the time) when though it feels totally self sacrificing and I actually totally hate it. Any girl can fake enjoying sex or ham it up, but I'd rather actually feel like I'm allowed to enjoy it instead of being expected to enjoy it, INCLUDING being allowed to not have to pretend I'm more turned on than I am. And I'm tired of feeling like I'll be satisfied "next time" or maybe in a few months in my relationships.

When it comes to getting to know guys at first sexually I don't feel like I'm allowed to be myself, or at the least that I shouldn't be, which makes it a lot less enjoyable than it could be I think. As though being myself would be tacky or make things awkward or make the guy feel like a loser or something. Hooking up with guys, they always put this false tension into everything, or they are tense with arousal, so I'm supposed to feel that way, well no, I don't. I really don't. Just because I'm interested in some type of sex does not mean I get aroused as fast as a guy does. But it seems like guys want things to go smoothly more than they want them to go realistically, to the point where I have no confidence left.

I feel like I'm not allowed to be myself, because my natural sexuality is boring and no one is wants to relate to it. Yet everyone thinks they want to have sex with me because I'm opinionated, I have a passionate personality, and I'm cute. So I get lots of attention, I feel unfulfilled, I don't trust guys to make it a positive experience for me. And I don't feel like it's acceptable to express this and even when I try, I get this isolated feeling because other women are not saying these things and it intimidates, interests, and bewilders guys. In short, I feel like a freak when I try to explain my true feelings and like a sexual buzzkill that can't enjoy a ritual no one else has such a major issue with. I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with what people expect from sex (not much). And I feel like an imposter because I can tell people think I'm good in bed, and when it comes to getting a guy off I am. But just not how I experience sex. I find the idea of attraction between myself and a guy growing, to more and more frequently be a stressful experience. I hate the thought of experiencing sex where the guy makes me feel like parts of myself don't exist and that they don't even notice that's how I feel.

I want to know how I can feel confident and get the type of relaxing, trusting sex I want without having to sign myself over by going through months of having to fear sex/avoid it with someone I have to "hold at bay" - it just seems like telling someone you want to wait to have sex would encourage them to think that you are super monogamous and wanting to give yourself to them in many ways beyond sexual, which is a sexual dynamic I find suffocating and disempowering. Plus it means I'm just being celibate instead of sexual. I'm not very experienced with telling guys to wait that long though. or else I have to go through months of sex I really actually don't like that much to find out they actually have no plans to really get to sexually know me better at all really, (maybe even fall in love), except extremely slowly throughout time and by accident. Repeatedly going through this is making me feel sexually isolated and distrustful. And bored as fuck.

I'm kinda with my ex, but I'm really not so sure it's meant to be. We've broken up too many times. He does honestly sexually bore me because he spends little time exploring my potential, in fact he never does, he only gives me the same boring, shitty orgasm I so can obviously have. I am so bored with it, he thinks it's great. Well
I've told him many times I'm bored and nothing's changing. I can even orgasm in other ways and he's not even interested in figuring it out. We still do have sex that is enjoyable but never the kind of sex I'm truly craving and I've been craving for years.

Yet I feel like what I want won't be easy to find or be easily accepted by other guys either. No one seems to be looking for the kind of experience I want to have.

- love a young woman who wants to get laid and actually not stress out about it. Is there any way at I can do so without having to over consider things/stress or end up with an experience I'd rather not have. I feel like I am losing total interest sexually in the opposite sex. It's just about feeling bored and frustrated when it comes to guys, and I have always felt this way.
 
You certainly can articulate all of this extremely well. Are you sure you are hetero? None of this necessarily means that you aren't straight but perhaps it's something to explore. Woman will be able to understand right away how your body works and how to read you. Guys expect some sort of pornographic type sex where the woman are animated and act like everything is giving them the utmost pleasure and that they live to worship the cock. Everything in porn is designed to serve the male ego and give men the most stimulation possible and they can expect that from sex, that woman all enjoy being pounded and it doesn't demonstrate foreplay very well. This doesn't apply to all men but it seems to be the norm as far as sexual expectations.

I suspect that as you get older you will find men are more in tune with reading woman and perhaps more capable of giving you what you want. Until then you probably do have to find out exactly what you like and exactly how to get it and be vocal about it. You will most likely encounter a man who will be attentive and intuitive at some point but as you've experienced already it's rarely going to be present without some coaching. I myself enjoy slow sensual sex, at least in my mind but when it comes time I just get nervous and go on autopilot and don't end up doing that and kicking myself afterwards. I suspect I have aspergers though, it takes awhile to get comfortable enough and trust someone to the point where I can be completely comfortable and that requires time and patience, understanding from another person. If nobody takes the time to express themselves and teach a guy what exactly he is doing wrong and is patient then that deprives him of valuable learning time. When woman pretend that the sex is good and don't take the time to say otherwise that hinders the mans development and he is going to either continue to suck and this can play itself out over and over until he finds a woman who is vocal and honest and will give him that valuable learning experience he needs or he is going to be completely disillusioned and put off sex just the same way you seem to struggle right now.

Many woman have sex and do become animated and give disingenuous reactions because they think that is what is expected and they don't want to bruise the mans fragile ego. The more this happens the more these men are deluded into thinking that's what woman want and if nothing is ever said about it then it allows this to exist. I think there is a communication breakdown in our culture, a cognitive dissonance, people learning from porn among many other factors.

I hope you get this all figured out and you find what satisfies you and makes you happy. We all have sex drives and a longing to be with another person, to have that intimacy and deep connection with another. To find someone who knows how to give you what you need and gets pleasure from doing so and it's so frustrating not to be able to find that, to fill that hollow and it can be like torture. This I can definitely empathize with.

If your ex isn't doing it for you and isn't making an effort to change it up sexually then you need to find someone else. Maybe you need to try a different kind of guy, quite often people seem to gravitate towards a similar type of person and sometimes that can mean similar sexual tendencies. Sort of similar to how abused woman/men tend to keep getting into codependant and abusive relationships, maybe you keep getting into relationships where the sex isn't that fulfilling and you need to find a pussy monster, a guy who derives his pleasure from serving you.
 
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