Scared Feeling responsible for friend's relapse - need advice

[throwaway4benzos]

I'm deeply worried about my friend who has relapsed into drinking after seven months of sobriety. Earlier today, he mentioned suicide during our phone call, which seriously concerns me.

During his recent period of sobriety, there were several substance-related incidents. I sent him ketamine once, thinking it might help with introspection since alcohol was his primary problem. He requested I mail it to him, and while I didn't profit from this - I just wanted to help a friend - he had used it several times before over a year ago. He occasionally used nitrous oxide, which he purchased independently.

Last weekend, when he visited, we smoked opium together because it was something he had always wanted to try. One of his first texts mentioned wanting to smoke it when he came back to visit me. I wasn't pressuring him; he was actually more eager than I was. I told him the high was subpar (I only had ~400mg) and warned him multiple times we would only get mildly high, but he insisted on smoking more. When he asked for some of my prescribed Valium, I gave him 4mg, plus 1mg of bromazolam when he asked for more. I wasn't willing to give him more of my prescription since I take it as prescribed and didn't want to run short, so I thought a low dose of bromazolam would suffice. I felt bad denying him.

I thought we were just sharing a meaningful experience: two friends fulfilling a long-held curiosity from high school...

Today, he texted me saying he's drinking again, blaming it on the benzos (he struggled with them years ago, as have I, though I've learned to use them responsibly in moderation). Although he says it's not my fault, I still feel terrible. I didn't give him any extra benzos to take home. I really thought he could handle occasional, social drug use now. Despite knowing his history of poor self-control, I still enabled him.

When I called to check on him, he was extremely drunk and evasive, deflecting my concerns by sending random Instagram posts instead of engaging in serious conversation. I called the suicide prevention line (988), but they said they could only help if he called them directly, or I would need to call 911 for a wellness check. I don't want to call the cops on my buddy, but I'm genuinely concerned for his well-being. He has a therapist (who he can't be honest with because they work at his rehabilitation center) and a nurse practitioner who prescribes his medications, though I suspect he shares little information with them. I worry about his prescriptions. He takes high doses of lisdexamfetamine and methylphenidate, and he always runs out of them more than one week early. I've always told him to take his prescriptions responsibly, but he never listens. He just wants to chase a high. I'm sure many people know it never ends well.

I feel lost about how to handle this situation. Does anyone have advice on what I should do next? Is it impossible to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves? Going forward, I will only be supportive (which I feel I've always been, consistently telling him not to drink again). I've tried telling him it's not the end of the world and that there's always tomorrow. He just wants to feel normal again. He said he feels like himself again and doesn't want to stop drinking. I am very concerned.

So, Bluelight, am I human garbage? Please be honest with me and give me advice. Sorry for this wall of text, I am incredibly flustered right now.

 

[Quasimoto]

I feel lost about how to handle this situation. Does anyone have advice on what I should do next? Is it impossible to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves? Going forward, I will only be supportive (which I feel I've always been, consistently telling him not to drink again). I've tried telling him it's not the end of the world and that there's always tomorrow. He just wants to feel normal again. He said he feels like himself again and doesn't want to stop drinking. I am very concerned.

So, Bluelight, am I human garbage? Please be honest with me and give me advice. Sorry for this wall of text, I am incredibly flustered right now.

You are not human garbage, you are a good person who is sincerely trying to help a friend.

First, you need to develop some emotional boundaries here. It is not your fault that he relapsed. It is not your fault he feels suicidal. You cannot control his behavior. It may seem cold, but you can't let his disease effect your own well being, don't let it drag you down with him. You have to stay out of the mud, so you can be the hand that reaches to lift him out when he is truly ready. You may want to look into some al-anon literature.

You should continue to support him, but do not enable him. I wouldn't give him any more drugs. Maybe some benzos if he needs them to quit. Or some psychedelics.

He is crying out for help. Has he been to AA before? Rehab? Has he ever shown true motivation and initiative to get better? Getting sober is just the first step, if you don't work your plan or continue to improve yourself, a relapse is inevitable.

and yeah if he is serious about recovery, he's going to need to stop abusing his stimulant medications. I'm not saying he needs to stop taking them, just stop abusing them... and there is no reason to be on both adderall and ritalin at the same time.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

You are not human garbage, you are a good person who is sincerely trying to help a friend.

First, you need to develop some emotional boundaries here. It is not your fault that he relapsed. It is not your fault he feels suicidal. You cannot control his behavior. It may seem cold, but you can't let his disease effect your own well being, don't let it drag you down with him. You have to stay out of the mud, so you can be the hand that reaches to lift him out when he is truly ready. You may want to look into some al-anon literature.

You should continue to support him, but do not enable him. I wouldn't give him any more drugs. Maybe some benzos if he needs them to quit. Or some psychedelics.

He is crying out for help. Has he been to AA before? Rehab? Has he ever shown true motivation and initiative to get better? Getting sober is just the first step, if you don't work your plan or continue to improve yourself, a relapse is inevitable.

and yeah if he is serious about recovery, he's going to need to stop abusing his stimulant medications. I'm not saying he needs to stop taking them, just stop abusing them... and there is no reason to be on both adderall and ritalin at the same time.

Here's the edited version for grammar and clarity:

"Has he ever shown true motivation and initiative to get better?"

He has been to rehab before. He did ~40 days in an inpatient facility and attended about 2 months of outpatient treatment multiple times per week (including AA meetings, NA meetings, etc). He was doing well and maintained sobriety for 7 months until recently. I'm not quite sure when he started drinking again this week, but he appears to be getting plastered. His drug of choice over the last few years has been alcohol.

I feel guilty about giving him a small amount of benzos last Saturday (he wasn't drinking until a few days after this). It seems this triggered him to start drinking again according to his text messages. He explicitly stated, "I cannot take benzos or anything related." However, I believe a relapse was inevitable regardless. I question what competent nurse practitioner would prescribe someone 30 Vyvanse and 60 Ritalin per week.

Moving forward, I won't provide him with any drugs. Since I live 3 hours away, I rarely see him. I think he is doing better since he texted me a few hours ago thanking me for last night. While I'm hoping for the best, this situation is entirely outside my control. I will continue to be there for him though.

 

[chippermonk]

Yeah, it sounds like he was headed for a relapse, by the sound of it, specifically seeking out drugs. And that seems like a lot of stims to prescribe to me. I wonder why they are prescribing it at all? ADHD? Or to substitute for a previous meth habit?
But, no, you're not human garbage. You're just trying to be a friend and you just got an eye-opener on how susceptible he is to relapse. He's lucky to have a friend who cares, but you need to be sure to care for yourself, too.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

Yeah, it sounds like he was headed for a relapse, by the sound of it, specifically seeking out drugs. And that seems like a lot of stims to prescribe to me. I wonder why they are prescribing it at all? ADHD? Or to substitute for a previous meth habit?
But, no, you're not human garbage. You're just trying to be a friend and you just got an eye-opener on how susceptible he is to relapse. He's lucky to have a friend who cares, but you need to be sure to care for yourself, too.

Thanks for the kind words. I’ve mellowed out and now realize this situation was inevitable, regardless of me giving him a little bit of benzos. He’s prescribed them for “ADHD,” but it honestly boggles my mind how anyone would prescribe him the amounts he’s getting.

I’ll be there for him, but from the sound of it, he doesn’t want to change just yet. There’s nothing more I can do; the ball is in his court. I’ve tried giving him advice, but he doesn’t want to hear it.