Feel really lost, and like no one can relate

[Seven-One-Eight]

Let me give a a summary of my current situation. Sorry for the long read in advance.

I'm an 18 year old male living in NYC, going to a 4 year university. I am extremely introverted to the point that I will never start a conversation with someone unless they initiate one. My two close friends that I grew up with are really the only friends I have. I am totally comfortable to be myself around these two people, but as far as meeting new people goes, that's an entirely different story. Not that people come up to me often and initiate conversations, but if/when they do, I have anxiety through the roof. It's ridiculously intense; it's begins as a horrible feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach, and then progresses into so much pressure that my mind goes into a "get out of this situation as fast as you can!" mode.

Outside of my two close friends, my self confidence is non existent. A couple of weeks ago an old high school friend got in touch with me to ask if I wanted to go clubbing with him and some of the other people I knew from high school, and you could only imagine what happened. Again, the anxiety went through the roof, and caused me to make up some BS excuse to not go. My fears in this case were that I would look like an idiot dancing, I wasn't attractive enough to be there, I would stand in the corner and do nothing, etc etc.

As you could imagine, these problems also plague my personal life. I've literally had one girlfriend in my life, which didn't last very long at all. During the whole relationship I never opened up or spoke until spoken to. I still wonder why she even asked my quiet ass out. Regardless, it ended after a month and I knew it was because she probably thought I was boring. The few times I attend house parties turn out just as terrible. I try to tell myself there's no need to feel all the anxiety, but it doesn't work. The minute I step in there and see everyone, it skyrockets.

My day to day life involves going to work in the summer and school in the fall/winter/spring. I literally have no social activities going on whatsoever, and I hate every last minute of my life. I live solely to take up space and execute meaningless tasks. I've never met anyone who has so many problems meeting new people and forming relationships with them.

Ultimately what I'm getting at here is this anxiety/loneliness affects EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life. It causes me to have absolutely no enthusiasm for anything. Every waking minute of my life is spent thinking about how pathetic I am and how I completely ruined my teenage years. It's like I just don't care about anything anymore. I don't feel like committing suicide - I always think about it of course, but have never acted on it because in the end I see it as pointless. I'd rather live a happy life, but I don't even remember the last time I was happy or had a good time doing something. That thought of "your life is a joke you don't do anything, have no girlfriend, etc" are eternally engraved in my mind. No matter what I'm doing, it's there. I went to Six Flags (amusement park for thos who are unaware) a few weeks ago and didn't enjoy it in the slightest, because I kept thinking about my life. Because these thoughts and anxieties are always with me, I don't ever have fun. Ever.

I've used opiates (for me the best anxiolytics) to help with the social aspect of my life. It does help for the moment, but obviously it's only a band-aid to a bigger problem. I've therefore given up self-medicating for social reasons because I shouldn't be depending on a substance to make up for what I lack. I've considered seeing a shrink many times but I do not want to open up to my parents about this; they just wouldn't understand and would probably think I was a nutcase.

It's pretty sad that I feel like this at such a young age, but I can't help it. Although I won't commit suicide, as of now my life consists of me taking up space. Besides that I'm pretty much a waste with no social life whatsoever. And on top of all of that, I have never found anyone who could relate to me except my two close friends, who feel the same way I do. It can't be normal for an 18 year old to be feeling this way. The feelings get so severe at times that they almost feel like mini panic attacks. I try and try again to overcome the problems I have but the anxiety is unbearable. Every single time I enter a social situation, my mind starts racing. Thoughts such as "everyone is looking at me, I better not do anything stupid" start going through my mind, which quickly escalate to "I better get out of here quick, this is too much to handle". God forbid I ever approach a girl at any social situation, that would never happen.

I apologize again for the long read, but I don't know what to do at this point. I'm at the end of my rope, so to speak. I can't live my lfe like this anymore, but I'm always unable to try and change. I want to due this without the use of ANY subtances. I want to finally feel naturally happy again, for once in my life. I'm long past the years of telling myself things wil get better, or that these things change not when you're looking for them to, but all of a sudden. I'm pretty much fucked.

 

[badandwicked]

Don't regret wasted years, the best is yet to come! You're teetering on the edge of a wonderful life where you can be everything you want & hope to be. It's perfectly attainable, honestly. You have to figure out how to achieve that, I'm sure others will be able to discuss with you the pro's and con's of drugs, therapy etc. You sound as though you may be suffering from an OCD type behaviour, obsessing over your situation until you panic and it's consuming your life.
The saddest thing would be if you're still sitting there echoing the same thoughts when you're 40. You owe it to yourself to make your future better than your past, but it sounds as though your confidence has been eroded to the point that youare so despondent that you can't see what you're capable of. I can.

 

[Seven-One-Eight]

Don't regret wasted years, the best is yet to come! You're teetering on the edge of a wonderful life where you can be everything you want & hope to be. It's perfectly attainable, honestly. You have to figure out how to achieve that, I'm sure others will be able to discuss with you the pro's and con's of drugs, therapy etc. You sound as though you may be suffering from an OCD type behaviour, obsessing over your situation until you panic and it's consuming your life.
The saddest thing would be if you're still sitting there echoing the same thoughts when you're 40. You owe it to yourself to make your future better than your past, but it sounds as though your confidence has been eroded to the point that youare so despondent that you can't see what you're capable of. I can.

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. You totally hit the nail on the head. My biggest fear is exactly that - I will keep obsessing over my problems and it will continue for years and years. I really just want to get through this without the aid of any medications including anti-depressants, but the whole process is so much easier said than one. Reason would dictate that there is no reason I should have this anxiety, but the power of the anxiety is so strong that is overpowers reason =(

 

[badandwicked]

It's admirable thet you want to manage without medication. But some OCD treatments are very effective and can give you the breathing space you so desperately need in order to gain some respite and perspective. It doesn't need to be a long term remedy.

 

[jonaz]

I am extremely introverted to the point that I will never start a conversation with someone unless they initiate one.

you might have less interest in the stuff normal people are interested in.
this would be a good explanation as to why social interaction has happened less fluent in you than in most people.

find out what you really interested in, and do it.

Not that people come up to me often and initiate conversations, but if/when they do, I have anxiety through the roof.

because you're affraid to fail in getting an "interesting" conversation going.
because you're affraid to get rejected by them.


i've been an introverted, lonesome & anxious person for a long time;
and once i got over the anxiety... i saw the truth about people:

their conversations are usually boring as hell.
they usually don't care about other people, and will (ab)use others as they see fit.
they are usually hypocrites.
the list with negative qualities goes on, and ofcourse all of these qualities are also present inside ourselves.. we just have to work to perfect ourselves,
so we too don't become like them: the herd that doesn't care.

Outside of my two close friends, my self confidence is non existent.

the people who don't like you as you are,
aren't worth mourning about.

My fears in this case were that I would look like an idiot dancing, I wasn't attractive enough to be there, I would stand in the corner and do nothing, etc etc.

if you're introverted you will probably not dance like an introverted idiot.
make subtle body-movements, you can't do much wrong with that.
if necessary, practice dancing when you're alone at home

The few times I attend house parties turn out just as terrible. I try to tell myself there's no need to feel all the anxiety, but it doesn't work. The minute I step in there and see everyone, it skyrockets.

it is better to prevent problems before they arise.
the morning of the day party, you shouldn't even care about people not liking you.
the afternoon, ditto.
during the evening: go to the party without expectation.
don't expect people to give you attention. don't expect to find a nice girl there. don't even expect to have decent conversation.

arriving at the party: learn to let go of your ego.
the goal is to feel as blissfull and relaxed as if you would be high on drugs.
how do you do that? just let go of all your excess thoughts and be happy with nothing.

I hate every last minute of my life.

you don't know what you have untill you've lost it.

Ultimately what I'm getting at here is this anxiety/loneliness affects EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life. It causes me to have absolutely no enthusiasm for anything. Every waking minute of my life is spent thinking about how pathetic I am and how I completely ruined my teenage years.

if your teenage years were ruined, it wasn't for the lack of "succesfull social interaction", but because you have tricked yourself into believing there was a reason to feel bad.

why should you have what others have and do what others do?
the things most people do, and the "succesfull social lives" most people lead, are meaningless and boring to me.

i use to believe the same as you, that i was lacking stuff.
but then i realized how superficial they were. how superficial i was,
and how deep life can really be.

if we open our hearts, happiness can be found in even the most fucked up situation.
look into buddhism, tai chi, yoga for techniques on how to do this.

if you are doing your best, and you don't make good progress in a reasonable amount of time, it's because the technique you're practicing isn't good enough.

don't believe or follow someone or someone's technique too blindly.
they might want to fool you,
or they might have fooled themselves into believing they know better when they don't.


Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
- Buddha

 

[dextroisomer]

Hello, Seven-One-Eight, i can relate to you because when i 20, I was diagnosed with having anxiety/depression/adhd.
However, i understand that you chose not to use medication and i applaud you for that. I strongly suggest you seek the aid of a psychologist.
Also, do tell your parents. Theres is nothing to be ashamed about talking to your parents about your condition.
I wish you the best of luck and i know you can overcome this.

 

[mukaki]

It sounds like you have severe social anxiety, if you definetly won't try anti-depressants then you need to see a therapist. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has shown effect in various anxiety disorders and also in social anxiety.

I would advice to reconsider anti-depressants because they can work wonders for anxiety. Anti-depressants haven't worked for my social anxiety (yet), but it's the frontline treatment along with CBT.

Good luck, you don't deserve to live life with this much anxiety. It's too hard, but thankfully it can in many circumstances be very treatable

 

[das_feuer]

It sounds as though this may be a serious anxiety issue that needs proper attention. Your best option would be to seek counseling and, if your anxiety issue is severe enough, medication would be a good idea. You have this problem that has been consuming you and causing you to languish in life. Your college probably has free counseling. Take advantage of it. If your parents love you, they will want you to get help. Fuck their misconceptions about psychology and mental health issues - your health and happiness is or prime importance. I have bipolar disorder, am on medications, and am completely fine; I'm not a "psycho". You seem to have a severe anxiety issue. It's still a serious mental health issue that needs to be addressed or it will continue to eat away your soul for the rest of your life.

This is something you can beat, but you have to get the right treatment. At the very least, hit up your college and find out about the counseling options available to students.

 

[Lysis]

I'm really sorry. I can somewhat relate. I usually have a small group of friends and never ever start a conversation - usually someone starts one with me and things go from there.

As a matter of fact, I'm here on BL right now because I just got into a huge argument with my sister, because I hopped on my iPhone to talk on BL after the three other people just went on and on about vacation plans. I got bored, went on my iPhone and now I'm a bitch because I wasn't interacting.

I do not relate with small talk, so perhaps you're in the same boat. I'm only sharing stuff about myself, because it is the main reason I don't have many friends or don't socialize - I am not really interested in stupid chit chat unless it's my friends and I chatting about related stuff and people we know.

I'm not sure what to say, and I'm afraid that you may just be like this. I know that sounds really harsh, but I have never been able to get interested in the stupid bullshit. I wish I could have more girlfriends to click with, but I am a really hard person to know and relate to because I can be very standoffish. Sometimes, you just are who you are.

 

[unsettled]

I had similar problems when I was your age as far as the social anxiety, I still have major anxiety issues. You may grow out of a lot of this, but if you could see some sort of mental health professional about your anxiety issues it could help you tremendously. Don't feel guilty about seeing a psychiatrist, it's extremely common and you don't have to tell anyone.

I have a feeling you'll grow out of some of these problems, some may linger on, but as long as you try and get some help you'll be amazed how much better you can feel.

Besides, you're 18 and live in fucking NYC! (I'm jealous, I love NYC and go there as much as possible but can't afford to live there at the moment)

 

[Seven-One-Eight]

Thanks for all the replies guys. I'm definitely just going to see a counselor to see what they have to say about this. This past weekend I had what seemed to be a mini panic attack, or something along those lines. I was sitting down watching TV when all of a sudden I began thinking about how my summer was halfway over and I had not done anything exciting... this led to me frantically pacing around my house, my heart started racing, etc. It was so bad I forced myself to take a small dose of alprazolam, I just couldn't get a grip. Here's hoping that counseling brings an end to this bullshit over time

 

[QuasiStoned]

Thanks for all the replies guys. I'm definitely just going to see a counselor to see what they have to say about this. This past weekend I had what seemed to be a mini panic attack, or something along those lines. I was sitting down watching TV when all of a sudden I began thinking about how my summer was halfway over and I had not done anything exciting... this led to me frantically pacing around my house, my heart started racing, etc. It was so bad I forced myself to take a small dose of alprazolam, I just couldn't get a grip. Here's hoping that counseling brings an end to this bullshit over time

I think you're on the right track with some counseling. I currently don't get too anxious about interacting with people, but I've had times in the past where I was an anxious wreck. Opiates turned me into an introverted wreck, I was always in withdrawal and had to force interactions with people. I was constantly depressed over seemingly nothing. I could hardly stand the thought of going into my job and interacting with people all day.

I lived that personal hell for 2 years and finally cleaned up 50 days ago. As of now, I have confidence and strength that I never had during my days of addiction. Unfortunately, thoughts of opiate abuse still plague my mind. I know I'll use them again, but I hope that I can exercise some will and never return to frequent use again. It just causes more problems than it can ever help. I'm glad that you recognize the opiates are only a bandaid, that is exactly right. And if you were to become dependent, the anxiety of withdrawals would only build upon the anxiety you already have.

 

[Seven-One-Eight]

I think you're on the right track with some counseling. I currently don't get too anxious about interacting with people, but I've had times in the past where I was an anxious wreck. Opiates turned me into an introverted wreck, I was always in withdrawal and had to force interactions with people. I was constantly depressed over seemingly nothing. I could hardly stand the thought of going into my job and interacting with people all day.

I lived that personal hell for 2 years and finally cleaned up 50 days ago. As of now, I have confidence and strength that I never had during my days of addiction. Unfortunately, thoughts of opiate abuse still plague my mind. I know I'll use them again, but I hope that I can exercise some will and never return to frequent use again. It just causes more problems than it can ever help. I'm glad that you recognize the opiates are only a bandaid, that is exactly right. And if you were to become dependent, the anxiety of withdrawals would only build upon the anxiety you already have.

Yes I definitely don't want to use opiates to cover up the problem. What's good is that even though I have opiates available to me, I feel no urges to use them because I know they will only make things worse. I gotta straighten out these issues the right way. Glad to hear that you're feeling better, hopefully I can one day say the same.

 

[flat line]

718 - google meetup groups in your are for shy peeps. you can meet online get comfy, im, email or whatever...the point is they are shy and have a lot of the same issues, gen speaking they are safe places to meet and you get to know them b4 you meet n person. I joined 1 here in my area and it is a ton of fun. If you are interested pm me and i can connect you to a friend of mine in brooklyn, he makes games, 24yr, straight and is very shy also.

 

[Z Y G G Y]

^that sounds like a great idea.

I strongly second someone suggestion of seeking the help of a psychologist. If you don't want to use medication that is really your best option. There are many different therapies and the psychologist will pick one of them that is most suitable to your needs. IF you start going and really put work into it you will reap benefits for the rest of your life. Therapy can really change your life for the better so much. I know you don't wont to tell your parents, but the rest of your life depends on it. No words anyone can tell you over the net will magically change your life. You need to get into therapy for an extended period of time and work hard at it. After a few months of that work you will see what you have been missing. Your life will drastically improve. Therapy really works if you work it. Seriously, I strongly suggest that you find a psychologist ASAP and start doing therapy. The one that worked the best for me was CBT. I wish you luck. If you decide to do the therapy you will be thankful that you did for the rest of your life. I promise you that. You will not need meds because the psychologist will teach you how to deal with everyday situations in a healthy way. Your self esteem will improve and you will become confident. It sounds too good to be true, but it does take a lot of work. That's what throws many people off. But that work will pay off because these changes will be permanent.

 

[Seven-One-Eight]

I strongly second someone suggestion of seeking the help of a psychologist. If you don't want to use medication that is really your best option. There are many different therapies and the psychologist will pick one of them that is most suitable to your needs. IF you start going and really put work into it you will reap benefits for the rest of your life. Therapy can really change your life for the better so much. I know you don't wont to tell your parents, but the rest of your life depends on it. No words anyone can tell you over the net will magically change your life. You need to get into therapy for an extended period of time and work hard at it. After a few months of that work you will see what you have been missing. Your life will drastically improve. Therapy really works if you work it. Seriously, I strongly suggest that you find a psychologist ASAP and start doing therapy. The one that worked the best for me was CBT. I wish you luck. If you decide to do the therapy you will be thankful that you did for the rest of your life. I promise you that. You will not need meds because the psychologist will teach you how to deal with everyday situations in a healthy way. Your self esteem will improve and you will become confident. It sounds too good to be true, but it does take a lot of work. That's what throws many people off. But that work will pay off because these changes will be permanent.

This is what I'm hoping to accomplish. I had one (probably stupid) question though. Is there any real difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist (besides the fact one can't prescribe meds and one can)?