Feel like I'm losing my mind... can anyone relate?

[Seven-One-Eight]

I've battled with depression for the last couple of years, but recently (last 4 months or so) it has become increasingly worse. There isn't a day that goes by anymore where I don't feel like I'm losing my mind. I have no motivation to do anything anymore, and it's consuming my life. Every aspect of my life is being negatively affected by it. The usual symptoms are unrealistic worrying (especially about things in the future - such as jobs/relationships/death) coupled with a "knot" feeling in my stomach, like "butterflies" but a lot worse. They never go away.

I can't function normally because my mind is never clear. I can't sleep. I'm even beginning to lose my appetite. My depression initially began due to many issues I had/have surrounding anxiety holding me back in social situations, especially intimate relationships. This stuff definitely used to bother me, but I was still able to generally function without constant worrying.

I only recently (2 weeks ago) finally decided to talk about these problems with my parents and I am seeing a psychiatrist (we have only had 2 sessions thus far). Both times I came out of the session feeling the same or even worse. Her approach I guess was to tell me how irrational my thought behavior was, and that me reaching out to see a therapist shows that I want a better life for myself. The thing is, I know my thought patterns are irrational, but they are seemingly uncontrollable. I've always been anti-meds, but it's getting so bad that I might even consider drug treatment if she suggests it would help.

This is what has been leading me to feel like I have been gradually losing my mind. I am aboslutely TERRIFIED because I am unsure if I will ever be able to get through this and start to see some happiness in life. I would also like to mention that I have been an opiate user for the last year (usually once a week, but occasionally more) which also makes me think that I somehow fucked myself up because of that. I know that's pretty much a joke seeing as my habit is nothing compared to many other people on BL (I rarely took more than 30mg oxycodone to catch a buzz). But my general paranoia makes me think this way. The last time I used was over a week ago, and I still feel horrible. From what I've seen, people with serious habits start to feel better in a week or less, so I highly doubt this has anything to do with the pills.

Can anyone relate to my situation? Does it ever get better?

 

[Lolie]

Your psychiatrist sounds like a cognitive behavioural therapy practitioner - a therapy aimed primarily at correcting distorted patterns of thinking which create irrational and inappropriate emotional responses. It's regarded as the gold standard of therapy these days and brings positive results much faster than traditional psychotherapy because it doesn't require delving into the origin of your distorted thinking in order to correct it.

She may be wanting more information before making a formal diagnosis and recommending medication. That's a good thing - too often people are given a hasty diagnosis and prescribed medication on the basis of too little information leading to ineffective treatment and further misery.

I'd ask your psychiatrist what her current thoughts about your diagnosis are and where she sees your treatment heading over the next few months. I would expect a treatment plan to include learning anxiety management techniques in addition to the CBT, but be aware that what you get out of therapy will depend to a great extent on what you put into it - it takes time to replace old behaviour with new ones and it's easy to revert to the old default thinking patterns when you're tired, under stress, etc.

You need to understand that your psychiatrist can't "fix" you - she can only give you the tools to fix yourself but it's up to you to use them.

And it's fine to ask your psychiatrist about medication and to let her know your opinions about it. For some mental health issues it's optional and only meant as a stop gap to provide relief while the patient learns other ways to manage their disorder.

It sounds as though your parents are going to be on board with you getting whatever help you need and that's really great.

 

[Seven-One-Eight]

Thanks for the reply Lolie. Yeah, my parents are extremely supportive thank God. I felt guilty telling them about my problems because I didn't want to give them any more stress, but I dunno, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I thought it would make me feel better but it didn't.

I know she can't fix me, I just honesty was looking for some advice. But yeah, I guess it is good that she is taking some time to form a diagnosis instead of handing out meds right away. Even if I do go with the meds, I obviously don't want to be on them for very long. A stop gap, like you said, would be perfect.

 

[Lolie]

^^^

At your next session with her, outline your own expectations about what you want from treatment so that you can establish whether you're both on the same page and so that she can address any misconceptions you might have. Knowing that you have a concrete plan often helps you feel better in and of itself, but it's important that your expectations are realistic ones so that you don't get disillusioned with the whole process.

The more you can treat your therapeutic relationship with your psychiatrist as a partnership the more likely you are to benefit from it. If something's not working for you, then say something as soon as possible instead of just hoping it will get better. By the time most of us seek professional help we've spent a very long time hoping things would get better and we're pretty much at the limit of our patience.

 

[Seven-One-Eight]

^^ That's so true, I've spent pretty much my whole life thinking things would get better. My goals coming into here were pretty much to handle some of my anti-social tendencies (namely my huge fear of being judged by new people) that aren't allowing me to live the life I want to live. That, and of course, to not constantly (and irrationally) worry about things that are beyond my control. Most of my life was honestly lived almost as a hermit. I had friends but I always pushed them away because I was afraid of trying new things and meeting new people. I'm 19 btw, so I'll try to give you an example. A few weeks ago one of my friends from High School had asked me if I wanted to go out to a bar (pub) with him and some other people I didn't know. Things like these for some reason strike fear into my heart, because I always tend to think people are judging me when they probably aren't. It's stuff like that that I really want to fix. For other people, situations like this make people excited. But for me, they only make me extremely anxious and then depressed that I let another opportunity pass by. Hopefully that's realistic.

 

[Lolie]

^^^

Yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing CBT is designed to address. There's also an online CBT programme called Moodgym run by the Australian National University which you might find helpful. It's self-paced but it's good for reinforcing the stuff you do in therapy between appointments. It has a companion programme called e-couch for anxiety and you can find links to them on Google. I'm sure there are other online programmes but I know that those two have been independently evaluated.

 

[Seven-One-Eight]

Thanks for those suggestions, I'm gonna go check them out.

 

[Lolie]

Also check out meditation. Your psychiatrist may already plan on teaching you this or recommend that you learn it. Learning how to still your thoughts - or at least not to engage them - is one of those things that is incredibly useful in a wider range of life situations than you can possibly imagine.

 

[prayersfor.rain]

^^^

Yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing CBT is designed to address. There's also an online CBT programme called Moodgym run by the Australian National University which you might find helpful. It's self-paced but it's good for reinforcing the stuff you do in therapy between appointments. It has a companion programme called e-couch for anxiety and you can find links to them on Google. I'm sure there are other online programmes but I know that those two have been independently evaluated.

I like moodgym. I go to therapy but during the week when I like to "play" on moodgym for a while. I don't know, i like working on myself.

I've felt like I was losing my mind plenty of times. Manic episodes, depressive episodes, paranoia, anxiety, all of those times I've though that I was going nuts, and chronically overdosing on lithium ( I was dehydrated) made me think I had some sort of brain tumor because I couldn't remember ANYTHING.

OP, therapy is good. I'd check it out if I were you. I'm bipolar and before I found out, they thought I had anxiety and depression. Well I do have anxiety and depression but it was more than that. I was in a pretty bad place mentally. I refused to take medications and went to therapy instead. If you take the coping skills you learn from therapy and apply them to your daily life, it helps a lot. I do take medication now, I guess if you're bipolar that's the best thing to do, but I still go to therapy because right now I've got to deal with the anxiety. But let me tell you, when I was depressed, the worksheet that my therapist gave me on ideas of how to cope between therapy and meds really helped me. And when I had insomnia she recommended certain (legal) herbal teas that would help me relax. Just, a lot of the times the information they have is good. You just have to take it and actually apply it.

And don't feel bad about trying an antidepressant. They don't make me feel pretend happy all of the time (that would be nuts). I feel angry, I feel sad, nervous, etc at appropriate times. It just helps me keep my mind out of the dumps because I can get sucked in pretty fast. When bad things happen I'm able to cope with them faster and more efficiently. Without meds I lose track of everything. Without meds, I don't sleep and I don't eat. (Why eat when food tastes like cardboard anyway, right?) I'd literally just sit and stare at the wall, being super low on energy.

All in all, for my depression and bipolar, what's helped is: meds, therapy, Buddhism & meditation, having a regular sleep schedule and eating right.
The hardest thing is just applying the shit you've learned. It's so easy to slip back into old patterns of thinking.

 

[Seven-One-Eight]

^^ Yeah, from what I hear the SSRI's kind of smooth you out, to where you don't experience such deep lows. That's all I'm asking for really, just as a head start. I'd like to do it without any but if she suggests it will help give me a boost (ESPECIALLY if it will help me sleep, I have really bad sleep problems) I'd be willing to try it. But the last line you wrote is definitely so true. Applying shit is hard but I gotta do it, I can't live like this forever. I guess I'm also expecting too much too soon, it's only been two weeks and I should probably be more patient. She also has reccomended a better diet / excercise so far... which is also hard at first to stick with.

 

[Lolie]

Like prayersfor.rain, I also have bipolar disorder and while meds are the first line management strategy for that it really makes a big difference whether or not I'm doing all the non-medication stuff. If you've got meds that work it can be hard to make yourself do all the other stuff but once it becomes second nature it really makes a difference to your quality of life and it gives you something to fall back on in rough moments.

 

[prayersfor.rain]

^^ Yeah, from what I hear the SSRI's kind of smooth you out, to where you don't experience such deep lows. That's all I'm asking for really, just as a head start. I'd like to do it without any but if she suggests it will help give me a boost (ESPECIALLY if it will help me sleep, I have really bad sleep problems) I'd be willing to try it. But the last line you wrote is definitely so true. Applying shit is hard but I gotta do it, I can't live like this forever. I guess I'm also expecting too much too soon, it's only been two weeks and I should probably be more patient. She also has reccomended a better diet / excercise so far... which is also hard at first to stick with.

Well SSRIs and I don't quite get along. But the wellbutrin (ndri) is great, and it's even helped me cut down massively on my cigarette smoking. No loss of sex drive and no weight gain.

I agree, better diet & exercising is hard when you're not used to it. Better diet is hard if you don't know what you're supposed to cook/it's been a while since you've done it, and exercising, well, in my head only crazy people like exercising (yeah I know that's not right but man I hate exercising so much). They really make a difference though. Exercising is GREAT for depression and if you eat right you physically feel better.

Stick with it! And yes, be patient Don't try to rush too many fixes at once, you'll get burned out, and then you'll feel like crap for not continuing with it. One step at a time, believe that this will get better. Be active with your mental health, you deserve it.