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Failure & Shame

Cohesion

Cohesion

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
1,069
Location
Portland, OR
My head is heavy.

Spending at least a few hours a day reading BL threads. I finally left TDS 8o & have enjoyed reading-

ADD
Trip reports
Education & careers
Psychedelics
Sex Love Rel.
Spirituality

Part of this heaviness in head and heart must be due in part to-

-BL thread content overload
-Renewal for fallic pleasure
-Quitting cigarettes
-Accepting/Convinced of self induced brain damage (drugs)
-8 years of undergraduate school, still have to choose a Major program nothing's worked yet

There seems to be a shift in my developmental stage. Recent measures indicate a wholly DARK review. I'm not consumed, though-- I may be the most optimistic person you'll meet today. In all this month's self-reflection, I'm seeing (no denial, anymore) a 'me' that is a HUGE disappointment. Truly there are no words for the cavern of my decay ..

I'm 27. What do I have in terms of status?
I have a child and a codependent relationship, but I live with my dad technically. I drive an 88 Buick Lesabre with a smashed up front because of my idiotic driving- twice in the same week.
Status. The stick with which we've learned as the more or less standard.
I'm on SSDI, but "plan" to be off it by the time I get a satisfying job that I will be able to show up to, and avoid getting fired. I keep "going to school". I currently have the first semester of several majors under my belt. I really face a lot of internal obstacles. I'm hurtin'. I'll come back and edit this tomorrow. I want to put my words out there though because I've been absorbing so much I gotta put a line out and just feel you there..<3
 
I am starting to feel as if I might be failure as well. We will see. Im going to keep chuggin along and working my ass off and staying off opiates, but im tsarting to think some similar thoughts myself.
 
Even though it's painful, it's a good thing that you are able to look at yourself and be honest that you are not satisfied with the way things are going. Many people will not even allow themselves that much awareness and continue to tell themselves that everything is okay even though they are dying on the inside.

Accept yourself as you are and then let go of the things that you want to change. If you are able to be okay with who you are no matter what your life circumstances are, then you are immune to whatever situations might be thrown your way.

So just remember that your current negative evaluation of your life does not at all reflect your own value. It is a life situation, that's all. Change what you want to change but don't believe that you need to do so to be an acceptable human being.

And kudos on quitting the cigarettes, if you are like me then I suspect that may have a big part in how you feel right now :)
 
Acceptance

Knowing and identifying yourself and current situation is one thing. Accepting them and being content is another. Sadly, I can tell you exactly who I am, but truly accepting it is hard. I'm fighting the good fight every day. 6 mos clean from IV opiates. I just quit smoking for a month now. Fuck, I had no idea how hard it would hit me! Major depression and cravings to use. I have laid in bed crying just wanting a pill to shoot. It's no joke. Since I don't know anyone and live in an area that's basically a dried up desert for my DOC I haven't used. I just keep hoping this will pass. My thoughts and best wishes for all of you out there hurting.
 
well, just make sure you get out reasonably soon, lol.

i am fiendishly waiting out the day, barely alive until i hit my doc up for more adderall tomorrow morning. *sigh* 20mgs a day? that's very good behavior.
 
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