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Extreme issues with the father of my child after having a baby girl advice needed.

H

HeatherWesling

Bluelighter
Joined
May 4, 2012
Messages
94
Location
Illinois
Hello I'm having a hard time deciding on what to do with some of the issues have been introduce to my small family. My boyfriend and father of my child has some issues. In April I was four months pregnant and was informed that he had been sending nude photos of his ex girlfriend to people she knew on a fake Facebook account. When I told him about this he told the truth and admitted to it. We had a discusion about what had happened and long story short he said he deleted the photos and gave me the password to the fake account. Months later I was about eight months pregnant and got curious and snooped through the phone and came across a female. I was so pissed off that I called her....personally. Her and her husband informed me that he requested nude photos from her as well but her husband said it was taken care of. We caught about that also...I gave birth to my newborn baby girl early October. A few days ago I was going through some old messages and came across the Facebook page and password I was given. I tried yo log onto it out of curiosity and the password was changed. I got on the Internet and started googling email address and came across about five more of his one of which was for a profile on a fetish site. Another one was posted saying how his ex was a whore and asked to trade photos of her with someone else. This is the second ex. Tonight we had a discussion and I asked where the photos were and how many was there things like that. He admitted there was about 30 photos. So he lied about deleting them...in between these two instances it had been brought to my attention that he had a masterbation problem and was doing it about three times a day. During my phone snooping I had found a lot of porn...now, he insists he has a porn problem and a masterbation problem and he swears he never slept with anyone. I've told him to leave a few times and he cries he swears he loves me and our daughter but I just feel like that is hard to believe. Should I believe him and let him stay or what should I do about all of this? I have been in such a hole of depression that it feels dirty for him to even touch me because of this. How do I deal with him and this situation? I love him so much and our daughters face lights up at the site of him. I just need to know what would be good ways to go about all of this?
 
Sounds pretty simple from where I'm sitting. He needs to go. He's a weirdo.
 
I think that if you believe,truly believe it might work give him another chance. But be honest about it, dont cling to an image of how it is supposed to be and ignore how it really is. Dont paint a picture of him in your mind and love that image of him, a fabrication that isnt him in real life. If I were you, Id make him prove it to you he cares for you. Words mean nothing, just a sound people make. And of course he cares for his child but a marriage needs two parents that love each other and not fight, because nothing is worse than that for the kid.

Id kick him out for a couple of months, go to counseling(together probabily for the best)and making him work his way back with proper behaviour and attitude. Show he cares and is willing to work on his issues (which he clearly has if he lies so easily to you and I believe honesty is everything in a marriage) and at the same time you will show youre strong and will not put up with his BS again. I think a couple of months of introspection and work will show to you whether he wants family life or not.
keep us posted and I wish you all the best
 
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He has issues with his ex and seems to want to continue 'hurting' her as much as possible, He cannot see that whilst 'hurting' her he is also hurting you. You have to tell him to move on and stop posting about his ex.

I can understand the porn on his phone, the masturbation - not really a problem unless it is affecting his life etc (I have porn on most of my devices - I masturbate when I want).

Bear
 
Bearlove said:
He has issues with his ex and seems to want to continue 'hurting' her as much as possible, He cannot see that whilst 'hurting' her he is also hurting you. You have to tell him to move on and stop posting about his ex.

I can understand the porn on his phone, the masturbation - not really a problem unless it is affecting his life etc (I have porn on most of my devices - I masturbate when I want).

Bear
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You dont think that a guy who trades pictures behinds his pregnants wifes back and asks strangers for naked pictures has at least a little bit of a problem. I mean, perhaps that is not the most horrible line to cross in a marriage but if he seeks a phone/online relationship with women behind his wifes back, do you think its possible if one of those women tells him one evening "im alone tonight, come over" he will say no, im married. I dunno , maybe he will. The first time, the second time. But a guy with such a huge sex drive and that obviously has no problem lying, which is an extremely slippery slope, wouldnt eventually accept and cheat? Again, who knows, but we do know a)big sex drive b)lies c)is willing to talk to women and seeks to develop erotic relationships. I think that could very possibly eventually lead to something more. How would you feel if your wife did the same thing.
 
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placid space said:
You dont think that a guy who trades pictures behinds his pregnants wifes back and asks strangers for naked pictures has at least a little bit of a problem. I mean, perhaps that is not the most horrible line to cross in a marriage but if he seeks a phone/online relationship with women behind his wifes back, do you think its possible if one of those women tells him one evening "im alone tonight, come over" he will say no, im married. I dunno , maybe he will. The first time, the second time. But a guy with such a huge sex drive and that obviously has no problem lying, which is an extremely slippery slope, wouldnt eventually accept and cheat? Again, who knows, but we do know a)big sex drive b)lies c)is willing to talk to women and seeks to develop erotic relationships. I think that could very possibly eventually lead to something more.
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Of course I do and that is my first line of my reply. 'You have to tell him to stop' - means you have seen the messages, the history etc and you address it fully. I may have read it wrong but is he not pretending to be his ex ? He is not swapping pictures of himself or asking for pictures of other women but he is pretending to be his ex and swapping pictures pretending to be her.

He 'could' be hung up with hurting her and pretending to be her is an extension of that - again that has to be addressed or it will just get worse.
 
When he got caught all those times he didn't try to lie after he just kept saying he had a problem and that he needs help. He seems pretty honest on that part but considering all the secrets its hard to believe. He told me once he masterbated so much that blood came out. It sounds like it is a legitimate problem and he is very serious about it but like I said it is very hard to believe I just need pointers on how to handle all this because its a lot.
 
placid space said:
I think that if you believe,truly believe it might work give him another chance. But be honest about it, dont cling to an image of how it is supposed to be and ignore how it really is. Dont paint a picture of him in your mind and love that image of him, a fabrication that isnt him in real life. If I were you, Id make him prove it to you he cares for you. Words mean nothing, just a sound people make. And of course he cares for his child but a marriage needs two parents that love each other and not fight, because nothing is worse than that for the kid.

Id kick him out for a couple of months, go to counseling(together probabily for the best)and making him work his way back with proper behaviour and attitude. Show he cares and is willing to work on his issues (which he clearly has if he lies so easily to you and I believe honesty is everything in a marriage) and at the same time you will show youre strong and will not put up with his BS again. I think a couple of months of introspection and work will show to you whether he wants family life or not.
keep us posted and I wish you all the best
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I'd kick him out but he really has no place to go
 
placid space said:
I think that if you believe,truly believe it might work give him another chance. But be honest about it, dont cling to an image of how it is supposed to be and ignore how it really is. Dont paint a picture of him in your mind and love that image of him, a fabrication that isnt him in real life. If I were you, Id make him prove it to you he cares for you. Words mean nothing, just a sound people make. And of course he cares for his child but a marriage needs two parents that love each other and not fight, because nothing is worse than that for the kid.

Id kick him out for a couple of months, go to counseling(together probabily for the best)and making him work his way back with proper behaviour and attitude. Show he cares and is willing to work on his issues (which he clearly has if he lies so easily to you and I believe honesty is everything in a marriage) and at the same time you will show youre strong and will not put up with his BS again. I think a couple of months of introspection and work will show to you whether he wants family life or not.
keep us posted and I wish you all the best
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gmlifer said:
Sounds pretty simple from where I'm sitting. He needs to go. He's a weirdo.
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I would have left a long time ago if a baby wasn't involved but whatever happens it will effect a child to that is why I am trying to be....tolerable I guess
 
placid space said:
I think that if you believe,truly believe it might work give him another chance. But be honest about it, dont cling to an image of how it is supposed to be and ignore how it really is. Dont paint a picture of him in your mind and love that image of him, a fabrication that isnt him in real life. If I were you, Id make him prove it to you he cares for you. Words mean nothing, just a sound people make. And of course he cares for his child but a marriage needs two parents that love each other and not fight, because nothing is worse than that for the kid.

Id kick him out for a couple of months, go to counseling(together probabily for the best)and making him work his way back with proper behaviour and attitude. Show he cares and is willing to work on his issues (which he clearly has if he lies so easily to you and I believe honesty is everything in a marriage) and at the same time you will show youre strong and will not put up with his BS again. I think a couple of months of introspection and work will show to you whether he wants family life or not.
keep us posted and I wish you all the best
Click to expand...
Bearlove said:
Of course I do and that is my first line of my reply. 'You have to tell him to stop' - means you have seen the messages, the history etc and you address it fully. I may have read it wrong but is he not pretending to be his ex ? He is not swapping pictures of himself or asking for pictures of other women but he is pretending to be his ex and swapping pictures pretending to be her.

He 'could' be hung up with hurting her and pretending to be her is an extension of that - again that has to be addressed or it will just get worse.
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Why would someone act as their ex as an extension? Elaborate for me please
 
I'd like to add that we had a long talk about this when I found out. He said he watches regular porn to but he said and I quote "I just catch myself doing it and I wonder why the hell I'm even watching it" he has done a lot of lying but he had a different demeanor when he spoke about the porn and the persistent masterbation (about three times a day at most) and who would lie about that or even make someone think any of this? He is a very good father he treats Bella so great and he has always been very sweet to me. He has some mommy issues and his dad has every way to be in his life but chooses not to. He has a lot of family problems and I wondered if these things could contribute or even caused this problem to come about. He was very upset about me finding everything. He cried and told me getting the photos from the other women weren't for them he says it obtaining them and that's all. I found some threads he posted on saying things about trading photos for the ones he had...this all has been very shocking
 
All this from the same man who also watches bestiality porn. Ugh.

He has lied to you and displayed some incredibly concerning behaviour. Normally, having a child with someone gives reason to try harder than usual to repair a damaged relationship. In this instance, I'd say it's the opposite. He needs to go, so you can focus on being the best mother to your child that you can possibly be. This level of stress and mess isn't healthy for anyone.

HeatherWesling said:
I'd kick him out but he really has no place to go
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This is not your problem. He is a grown man, old enough to father a child. He has broken your trust and caused serious damage to the relationship. Kick him out, and tell him that if he wants any shot at a relationship with you in the future, that he must seek psychological help.
 
Mel22 said:
All this from the same man who also watches bestiality porn. Ugh.

He has lied to you and displayed some incredibly concerning behaviour. Normally, having a child with someone gives reason to try harder than usual to repair a damaged relationship. In this instance, I'd say it's the opposite. He needs to go, so you can focus on being the best mother to your child that you can possibly be. This level of stress and mess isn't healthy for anyone.



This is not your problem. He is a grown man, old enough to father a child. He has broken your trust and caused serious damage to the relationship. Kick him out, and tell him that if he wants any shot at a relationship with you in the future, that he must seek psychological help.
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He is very sincere about it being a problem. The condition we are in he can't just go get help. Don't have the money and both of us are living at my parents house. My gut tells me that he is very honest about all this. And beastiality porn he just watches it. I've never dealt with any of this. I would have rather been cheated on. But I love him and just kicking him out would hurt me because I love him being around regardless of the bullshit
 
Why type of insurance do you guys have? Psychologist visits are covered. Or if you have no insurance, there's usually clinics that offer a sliding scale or free (if you don't have insurance/based on your income) that can provide you with a psychologist or at least a counselor.

I really do think that you guys will need professional help to get through this. I mean, it sounds like you don't trust him... and he's really given you no reason to. How many times has he lied to you? Sure he comes clean, but only after you accuse him and confront him with evidence. You don't even know how honest he is being when he does "come clean". That's why you're having these major trust issues.... and it's happening over and over and over again. We can give you advice, stay with him, break up with him, separate, etc... but in the end it's your decision. You believe he's a good father, a good person, and loves you; therefore, you do not want to leave him.. however, you don't trust him and you're worried about his "extracurricular activities" and possibility consequences of his actions.. that's something that we can't help you with. You'll need a professional working with both you and him, real time.
 
One thing that stands out in this story is that he admits to it when caught. He doesn't fight you about it. So I'm inclined to think he has a genuine problem and isn't being scummy.

That said he has to change as the bad behavior can't go on. He's harming a lot of people, foremost his ex by exposing her like that.
 
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samnslumberland said:
Masturbation is one thing, but masturbating to nudes of your ex-girlfriend while in a relationship is NOT appropriate. He needs to go.
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He wasn't using them to do that with he was sending them to people she knew. He caught her doing threesomes with people found out she had been seeing an ex, had a webcam thing going on she was obviously a real winner. Everyone that has always known him said he was very hurt. They were together for three years and she had been doing all of this the entire time. I spoke to her an she admitted she treated him like shit.
 
^ Yeah, but that's low for him to do. Regardless of how someone treated you or did to you. You're responsible for your own actions and I think any guys who gives out nudies that they took when you trusted them, is low. I mean, I hope you don't take any nudes for him because you know exactly what he will do to you if things go sour.
 
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