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extreme guilt over past relationships

C

ChristBait

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 27, 2005
Messages
153
Its been almost a year and a half since I broke up with my ex, but for some reason I'm still having a really hard time getting over it. My first ex has already gotten re-married and my last ex is engaged again. They both have clearly moved on, but here I am still dwelling on shit that happened years ago. I'm still constantly kicking myself over how bad I treated her. At times I get completely overwhelmed with guilt over some of the things I did in the relationship. I'll still never forgive myself for choosing the drugs over her. I have borderline personality disorder, which I was in recovery from for the last few years, but since the relationship, I feel like I've had a really bad remission into the mental illness. My symptoms are worse now than they ever were. Its like one minute I'll get a flashback of something bad I did, and then ruminate on it and feel remorseful, than the next minute I'll think about something bad she did, and I go from remorse to anger in a heartbeat. I did dope for the longest time and repressed alot of feelings that are now starting to surface again. The last couple times I talked to her, I asked her to forgive me for all my mistakes, and for leaving her, but she refuses to forgive me.
How can I even forgive myself?

Shit we were only together for 2 years, why am I having such a hard time moving on???
 
Two years is a long time in my opinion. But anyway. I think you kind of know what you need to do - forget about these girls. They have moved on. You need to learn from your mistakes. Do you know what you did wrong in those relationships? Use that for future relationships. You should probably go out and meet some more people :)
 
Perhaps if you just tell her you're sorry, you'll be able to move on. I had an ex text me and tell me he was really sorry. He treated me so poorly, and then would tell me I treated him and loved him more than any other girl. I personally think he was still in love with his ex and wanted me to take her place, but I was not her and wasn't a lot of the things he loved about her. He would reel me back in and then treat me like utter garbage. The last time I saw him, I went back to get my stuff after finally realizing he was doing it to me again and it was over. I cried, yelled, and he started telling me to shut up and he was gonna call the cops on me. It really woke me up, because I thought "umm, wtf am I doing wrong?" Then, when I went to leave, he told me to stay so he knew I wasn't going to crash (I had been drinking a bit, but was not drunk). It was a bizarre push away then pull back in type of relationship, and I knew that he would always do it, because I was not his ex as much as he wanted me to be what she was and replace her.

Anyway, about 2-3 weeks ago, he texted me and told me how sorry he was. It really surprised me, because he never apologizes. I really cared about him, so it was hard seeing the text and telling him "No" when he asked to see me. I know that he would continue to play games with me if I let him, and although I'm not over him, the "Sorry" kinda put me at peace a bit. It stirred up emotions, but it was a nice gesture on his part, and I appreciate it.

So, I would not harass her or do anything more than say you're sorry, then leave it alone. Don't pursue her, don't keep talking to her. You probably hurt her badly, but a small gesture will make you and hopefully her feel better.
 
Yeah this is my life story. Regret, regret, and then more regret. The best thing you can do is be a better person in the future. You can't dwell on what you did wrong, because it will literally destroy you. I feel guilty for all sorts of things. Guilt and remorse are two heads of the same coin. You have to remember the past cannot be changed, no matter how badly you wish it could. So why dwell? You'll implode your own brain. I know it seems impossible, hell I can't even take my own advice, but knowing what you don't like about yourself is an improvement.
 
how can I move on if I know she still has resentments towards me for leaving her and treating her the way I did? I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself if she refuses to forgive me.
 
I doubt she will just outright say "I don't forgive you." She might be curt or short with you and just say "thanks" or whatever, but if you really feel guilty over it, I'm just suggesting a way that might help you make peace with yourself. If that's not feasible, then you have to be honest with yourself that it's done, and like tender said, just be nicer to the next girl. I just want to make it clear that you don't want to harass her or text her too much. Leave your apology and then leave her alone.
 
Lysis said:
I doubt she will just outright say "I don't forgive you." She might be curt or short with you and just say "thanks" or whatever, but if you really feel guilty over it, I'm just suggesting a way that might help you make peace with yourself. If that's not feasible, then you have to be honest with yourself that it's done, and like tender said, just be nicer to the next girl. I just want to make it clear that you don't want to harass her or text her too much. Leave your apology and then leave her alone.
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