no_face
Greenlighter
I have been using K recreationally for over 10 years. I have during this time taken it numerous times regularly at warehouse and outdoor parties, as well as at home with friends, generally mixed with other drugs like mdma, speed, coke or lsd. Whichever drugs I am doing, I normally keep doing bumps of K along the way.
K holing is one of the most unique experiences and state of mind I have experienced - I have a love/hate relationship with holing though: it is not entirely pleasant and it is very bizarre, often twisted and can be extremely confusing. It is however fascinating because it opens the brain to feelings and thoughts which seem not reachable otherwise. Very difficult to explain to someone that has not experienced it - and I am sure that the experience also changes from person to person. Ego death is a common denominator though if you go deep enough, because you tend to forget about pretty much everything from your daily life, even getting to forget who you are.
The experience I had a few days ago was however completely different to any previous one. To give a bit of context to the situation, I went out to a forest party (psytrance music) with a friend. I have not been out much in the last few months and so I was pretty excited to do so. We did a few hits of nitrous at home, as well as some K and coke. I have to say that the current batch of K I have is not of very high quality unfortunately. We suspect it is cut with msg and possibly something else. Funnily enough we were talking about it and agreed that it is probably not possible to K hole on it even at high doses. Anyway, once at the party and over the first three or four hours I did a couple of bombs (approx 0.12g each) of high quality mdma, a couple of lines of speed and another couple of them of K. At some point we met another friend who offered some pretty big lines of speed, which we did, and we also shared a joint of weed. After that I prepared a couple of big lines of K. So far i had been doing much less K than on a normal night out, and since the K I have is somehow weak I made the lines pretty big - maybe 150 / 200 mg, but I am not good at estimating the weight.
I don’t remember too well what happened exactly after but I was seating on a picnic mat under a tree not far from the dj (party was rather small, maybe less than 200 people). I then noticed that my mind was drifting away as it normally does when entering a k hole state. For me there are some common signs previous to entering the hole - Music and vision slow down like in a slow motion video, and often the music becomes like a broken record, with a beat repeating endlessly, which is rather unpleasant. I also have sometimes feeling of being “observed”, and have the feeling that people around me become part of this new reality. Sometimes as perception of the outside world breaks down I have the fear of being close to death - if the hole is not strong enough I normally fight back staying in this limbo where reality is on the verge of being shattered completely. If I break through that edge then reality stops making sense completely and I fall into the hole, sometimes with short lived hallucinations of being in different places in the world, sometimes the mind going too far away on strange thoughts that are difficult to remember once the hole is over.
This time I had initially the same feeling I have just before entering the hole - slow motion music and vision, a feeling of lack of continuity (ie suddenly I am here but I don’t exactly remember what happened just before now), the premonition that something was about to happen and I was being observed. But something really different happened this time - instead of falling into a hole of confusion I started feeling extremely lucid - and a powerful energy seemed to run though my brain. The experience all along became extremely vivid. The feeling was that of suddenly being able to utilize my brain fully and feel the energy of everything around me. I can describe it as what I can imagine it would be to suddenly see shapes and colours after having had a life in blurred black and white. Everything started to make sense, and I really mean EVERYTHING - even though I have now forgotten most of what my brain was feeling and processing at that time. The most important concept I remember very well though: I was not only myself anymore - the energy in my brain represented everything around me, i could feel and I was able to access the knowledge of everything and everyone. This everything and everyone is actually a oneness, a being or energy connecting everything in the universe. I remember the feeling of being amazed at suddenly being able to feel this, which means I still at this time held some consciousness of my ego as a separate entity from the oneness. After this what happened is that for what seemed a long period of time I felt an endless stream of thoughts and knowledge that run through my brain like waves. Again I remember the feeling of being amazed at suddenly being able to understanding the answer to what are the big unknowns in life, about civilization, physics, the universe. Gradually i experienced ego loss and forgot about my previous self, I went from feeling a connected part of this oneness to actually being the oneness. I actually felt I was the whole universe, an entity able to breakdown in infinite parts and let them behave independently but at the same time still belonging to the oneness. It sounds scary to say now but I felt I was god, not in a religious way, but I was all that exists in the universe and therefore could control or know everything as I WAS everything.
I remember thinking why there is then so much suffering and pain in the world if we are all part of one and this one is free, why do we inflict this in ourselves (or,thinking as one, why do I do this to myself). This oneness is omnipotent within this universe but at the same time extremely lonely as there is nothing outside it - and therefore bored, and plays with its own creations/parts as a way to distract himself. The pain or suffering from humans or any other creature is practically irrelevant to the oneness.
For what seemed a long time I had this constant stream and energy (i remember the feeling of this energy in my brain, like an engine that is suddenly switched on) I sometimes became conscious of where I was but during all this time i was sitting down still , without any ability of communicating with the external world. My friend had also k-holed but after a while was able to talk to me - I could sometimes hear them but even though my brain was completely lucid I was unable to express any words or make any gestures. At times my mind disconnected fully from my body but around the end of the experience I kept dipping in and out of my body physical senses - like coming out from under the water to see/hear suddenly around me and then going down again, on a place where i was still seeing and hearing but what i was seeing and hearing was not linked to what was happening around me.
Gradually my connection to the oneness became weaker and I returned to being my old self. I remember thinking during this time that I needed to be able to remember all this sudden knowledge that I had acquired but i felt it already slowly slipping away
I have always been a pretty convinced atheist, a complete enemy of organized religions and respectful but skeptical of spirituality. This makes my experience all the most surprising, as it comes to a shock to my core beliefs that we are independent entities with a beginning at birth and an end at death.
On the other hand I am familiar with the psychotic symptoms that can sometimes be experienced on dissociatives like K - I have never had strong psychosis on K but experienced it once on MXE before. Therefore I am fully aware that it is likely that all I experienced is just inside my brain and was not “real”.
K holing is one of the most unique experiences and state of mind I have experienced - I have a love/hate relationship with holing though: it is not entirely pleasant and it is very bizarre, often twisted and can be extremely confusing. It is however fascinating because it opens the brain to feelings and thoughts which seem not reachable otherwise. Very difficult to explain to someone that has not experienced it - and I am sure that the experience also changes from person to person. Ego death is a common denominator though if you go deep enough, because you tend to forget about pretty much everything from your daily life, even getting to forget who you are.
The experience I had a few days ago was however completely different to any previous one. To give a bit of context to the situation, I went out to a forest party (psytrance music) with a friend. I have not been out much in the last few months and so I was pretty excited to do so. We did a few hits of nitrous at home, as well as some K and coke. I have to say that the current batch of K I have is not of very high quality unfortunately. We suspect it is cut with msg and possibly something else. Funnily enough we were talking about it and agreed that it is probably not possible to K hole on it even at high doses. Anyway, once at the party and over the first three or four hours I did a couple of bombs (approx 0.12g each) of high quality mdma, a couple of lines of speed and another couple of them of K. At some point we met another friend who offered some pretty big lines of speed, which we did, and we also shared a joint of weed. After that I prepared a couple of big lines of K. So far i had been doing much less K than on a normal night out, and since the K I have is somehow weak I made the lines pretty big - maybe 150 / 200 mg, but I am not good at estimating the weight.
I don’t remember too well what happened exactly after but I was seating on a picnic mat under a tree not far from the dj (party was rather small, maybe less than 200 people). I then noticed that my mind was drifting away as it normally does when entering a k hole state. For me there are some common signs previous to entering the hole - Music and vision slow down like in a slow motion video, and often the music becomes like a broken record, with a beat repeating endlessly, which is rather unpleasant. I also have sometimes feeling of being “observed”, and have the feeling that people around me become part of this new reality. Sometimes as perception of the outside world breaks down I have the fear of being close to death - if the hole is not strong enough I normally fight back staying in this limbo where reality is on the verge of being shattered completely. If I break through that edge then reality stops making sense completely and I fall into the hole, sometimes with short lived hallucinations of being in different places in the world, sometimes the mind going too far away on strange thoughts that are difficult to remember once the hole is over.
This time I had initially the same feeling I have just before entering the hole - slow motion music and vision, a feeling of lack of continuity (ie suddenly I am here but I don’t exactly remember what happened just before now), the premonition that something was about to happen and I was being observed. But something really different happened this time - instead of falling into a hole of confusion I started feeling extremely lucid - and a powerful energy seemed to run though my brain. The experience all along became extremely vivid. The feeling was that of suddenly being able to utilize my brain fully and feel the energy of everything around me. I can describe it as what I can imagine it would be to suddenly see shapes and colours after having had a life in blurred black and white. Everything started to make sense, and I really mean EVERYTHING - even though I have now forgotten most of what my brain was feeling and processing at that time. The most important concept I remember very well though: I was not only myself anymore - the energy in my brain represented everything around me, i could feel and I was able to access the knowledge of everything and everyone. This everything and everyone is actually a oneness, a being or energy connecting everything in the universe. I remember the feeling of being amazed at suddenly being able to feel this, which means I still at this time held some consciousness of my ego as a separate entity from the oneness. After this what happened is that for what seemed a long period of time I felt an endless stream of thoughts and knowledge that run through my brain like waves. Again I remember the feeling of being amazed at suddenly being able to understanding the answer to what are the big unknowns in life, about civilization, physics, the universe. Gradually i experienced ego loss and forgot about my previous self, I went from feeling a connected part of this oneness to actually being the oneness. I actually felt I was the whole universe, an entity able to breakdown in infinite parts and let them behave independently but at the same time still belonging to the oneness. It sounds scary to say now but I felt I was god, not in a religious way, but I was all that exists in the universe and therefore could control or know everything as I WAS everything.
I remember thinking why there is then so much suffering and pain in the world if we are all part of one and this one is free, why do we inflict this in ourselves (or,thinking as one, why do I do this to myself). This oneness is omnipotent within this universe but at the same time extremely lonely as there is nothing outside it - and therefore bored, and plays with its own creations/parts as a way to distract himself. The pain or suffering from humans or any other creature is practically irrelevant to the oneness.
For what seemed a long time I had this constant stream and energy (i remember the feeling of this energy in my brain, like an engine that is suddenly switched on) I sometimes became conscious of where I was but during all this time i was sitting down still , without any ability of communicating with the external world. My friend had also k-holed but after a while was able to talk to me - I could sometimes hear them but even though my brain was completely lucid I was unable to express any words or make any gestures. At times my mind disconnected fully from my body but around the end of the experience I kept dipping in and out of my body physical senses - like coming out from under the water to see/hear suddenly around me and then going down again, on a place where i was still seeing and hearing but what i was seeing and hearing was not linked to what was happening around me.
Gradually my connection to the oneness became weaker and I returned to being my old self. I remember thinking during this time that I needed to be able to remember all this sudden knowledge that I had acquired but i felt it already slowly slipping away
I have always been a pretty convinced atheist, a complete enemy of organized religions and respectful but skeptical of spirituality. This makes my experience all the most surprising, as it comes to a shock to my core beliefs that we are independent entities with a beginning at birth and an end at death.
On the other hand I am familiar with the psychotic symptoms that can sometimes be experienced on dissociatives like K - I have never had strong psychosis on K but experienced it once on MXE before. Therefore I am fully aware that it is likely that all I experienced is just inside my brain and was not “real”.
