Experiences Feeling Like An Abysmal Failure

[Joey]

As well intentioned as I may be, drug use and mental health issues alongside arepetivrly collapsing personal life have got me in a unit in he hospital. Pretty long term. All projects at a halt. Unable to go home. Mean while the number of social services or breadth of help lines available (of which I haven’t burned the bridge) diminishing. Oh man, does everything I try to do getting burned to hell by myself or even sometimes some asshole compatriots, or rather not friends at all. It is wearing me down.

I have so much I would love to be able to complete in my writing, my volunteerism, maintaining my real life and real life relationships, and in not being a grand scale biggest junkie in the universe with the craziest problems and fucked up set of circumstances and people wearing at me. It’s mostly not others faults, and mostly mine. No matter what I’ve let my guard down at times and let it happen for someone to run amok on my self image in ways that nearly pinned my marker to the grave. I keep myself in states of mind, in places which reflect abuse I’ve suffered and continue to open myself up to vulnerability. I cannot even begin to explain everything which I refer to, but no matter what the point is I’ve never been very good to myself.

In practicality I’m coming to a point where I think I’m maybe done in a lot of my efforts in what I’ve been trying to accomplish in life. At this point, I don’t even have a proper bank account or ID. It’s been lose, lose, lose. People who have been around awhile know who I am, and I am aware of the variety of opinions as to who I am and what my intentions are. And it’s no wonder. An unstable meth addicted and alcoholic wanted to be someone in this space, and others. I even got published, and a little business started in theory. There’s some stuff I don’t have an answer to. Sometimes things work or don’t work out in really fantastic ways. I don’t mean fantastic as in the affirmative to positivity, just wild and unreal. I’ve fucked myself and been fucked and no matter what it’s my own mess.

Sitting here in hospital, I run over many ideas in my mind how to continue life, what to do, I worry about housing, I worry about the fact that I’m under conditions if I can even go home where I need to get sober. I’m obsessed by the clockwork and years pressing by. The age number clocks up and the decline begins. Im not old but I’ve experienced some spectacular failures and been run down to just try and pick up the pieces myself.

If I tried to write an article, which I could do again eventually. Right now I wouldn’t even have an avenue to be paid. It’s that screwed up.

I’m square zero. I’m not hopeless, but it’s really easy to fall into thimkimg patterns which lay out a repetitive, and downward cycle. And over public avenues. How humiliating to have a whole life fighting with one demon or another up on display and subject to public opinion.

My business is on pause indefinitely and so is my writing, Any and all harm reduction is for myself only.

You ever been in that kind of a rut.

 

[somnilicious]

As well intentioned as I may be, drug use and mental health issues alongside arepetivrly collapsing personal life have got me in a unit in he hospital. Pretty long term. All projects at a halt. Unable to go home. Mean while the number of social services or breadth of help lines available (of which I haven’t burned the bridge) diminishing. Oh man, does everything I try to do getting burned to hell by myself or even sometimes some asshole compatriots, or rather not friends at all. It is wearing me down.

I have so much I would love to be able to complete in my writing, my volunteerism, maintaining my real life and real life relationships, and in not being a grand scale biggest junkie in the universe with the craziest problems and fucked up set of circumstances and people wearing at me. It’s mostly not others faults, and mostly mine. No matter what I’ve let my guard down at times and let it happen for someone to run amok on my self image in ways that nearly pinned my marker to the grave. I keep myself in states of mind, in places which reflect abuse I’ve suffered and continue to open myself up to vulnerability. I cannot even begin to explain everything which I refer to, but no matter what the point is I’ve never been very good to myself.

In practicality I’m coming to a point where I think I’m maybe done in a lot of my efforts in what I’ve been trying to accomplish in life. At this point, I don’t even have a proper bank account or ID. It’s been lose, lose, lose. People who have been around awhile know who I am, and I am aware of the variety of opinions as to who I am and what my intentions are. And it’s no wonder. An unstable meth addicted and alcoholic wanted to be someone in this space, and others. I even got published, and a little business started in theory. There’s some stuff I don’t have an answer to. Sometimes things work or don’t work out in really fantastic ways. I don’t mean fantastic as in the affirmative to positivity, just wild and unreal. I’ve fucked myself and been fucked and no matter what it’s my own mess.

Sitting here in hospital, I run over many ideas in my mind how to continue life, what to do, I worry about housing, I worry about the fact that I’m under conditions if I can even go home where I need to get sober. I’m obsessed by the clockwork and years pressing by. The age number clocks up and the decline begins. Im not old but I’ve experienced some spectacular failures and been run down to just try and pick up the pieces myself.

If I tried to write an article, which I could do again eventually. Right now I wouldn’t even have an avenue to be paid. It’s that screwed up.

I’m square zero. I’m not hopeless, but it’s really easy to fall into thimkimg patterns which lay out a repetitive, and downward cycle. And over public avenues. How humiliating to have a whole life fighting with one demon or another up on display and subject to public opinion.

My business is on pause indefinitely and so is my writing, Any and all harm reduction is for myself only.

You ever been in that kind of a rut.

My whole life my friend. I want to say more when I'm in a better state of mind but I've had to constantly readjust the goalpost of what it means to be happy. It sounds kind of trite but try to focus on the most simple construct of things to be grateful for and know that things do get better. Often when one door closes another opens and a lot of unhappiness can be tied to our inability to let go of things that are not necessarily for the best. I don't know your situation but I've had similar feelings many times in my life. I've had to focus on what's really important and just slowly put one foot in front of the other till I could begin to comfortably walk again.

 

[G_Chem]

You are right, you are at square zero. But that means you are at a point of infinite possibilities. Those can wait for now though, right now you need to heal.

Is there any way you can get your basics covered with minimal/no work and just focus solely on your health for awhile? I’ve been there. You have all these ideas that need implementation or social outings or whatever that you’ll want to be Superman for again. You need space from it all and time to get yourself together.

Exercise, healthy diet, learning new coping mechanisms to deal with your day to day. I personally had to give up a social life I thoroughly enjoyed because that just wasn’t the real me. And no relationships, only the ones currently in your life.

Once the high of coming off more drugs than most of us ever been on at a single time wears off, expect the real struggle to begin. You need to prepare for that, the monotony of no longer being high 24/7 is probably the tougher than the acute WD.

-GC

 

[Joey]

I have some work I can do. I have a bit under a week to complete a document revision. It’s a decent paying part time gig I have. I’m having trouble getting to it because I’m feeling unfocused.

Spending a lot of time concerned with a past relationship, still current friendship, and sorting my feelings there. It’s been a couple years, but it’s still a really, really, tough one for me to handle. I almost want to attempt a column on heartbreak and start submitting that. That’d be a funny way to exorcize that demon is to get it syndicated.

My home rejected me too, and I’m looking for a new one. New group home til I can get my shit together. That really sucks. It’s so hard to live this way.

I do not have a PC as well and run everything entirely off of a tablet. That’s really grating me too. I actually need a decent computer, or else I can’t work properly is how dire that is.

Friend of mine should be stopping by sometime with a carton of cigarettes for when zi get out. I have not had a smoke in 2 months because hospital policy.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Less the friends the better. Real know Real. I quit stimcircles cause practically they cant be trusted and I get manic psychosis

 

[Rainman1964]

Forgive me for sounding insensitive, but I feel right now I am. Not to your pain, but to why most of us are here and in the position that got us here. It was a choice. A spoiled and unappreciative choice. There are millions, maybe even billions of people in the world every day who do not have the luxury of saying that the worst day of their lives would be one that they caused. They are born into poverty, starvation and some are tortured and don't know what it is to live without real pain, or starvation, to live in fear every single day because they don't know if some other group of people or tribe or a war in their country will kill them and/or their families. They treasure life. They don't know what it is to think about wanting to pollute their minds and bodies with poison, to ruin this gift of life -- and then complain about problems they could never relate to.

I've had a hard last two months, sickness, money stolen from bank, friends suffering and dying, divorce, etc., job firing because I'm dealing with the shit, health problems because I'm fat and can't stop living like a pig because I hate myself because my husband of 28 years let, and the list goes on. But I know that I have never known a hard day in my life. Most of my misery is self-inflicted, and if I chose to, I could make my life better and healthier, etc.

I just wonder if anyone else ever thinks how shallow or ??? I don't know the right word....we sound when we complain about things like this when we have it made.

I pray for everyone's recovery and better times.

 

[Joey]

Forgive me for sounding insensitive, but I feel right now I am. Not to your pain, but to why most of us are here and in the position that got us here. It was a choice. A spoiled and unappreciative choice. There are millions, maybe even billions of people in the world every day who do not have the luxury of saying that the worst day of their lives would be one that they caused. They are born into poverty, starvation and some are tortured and don't know what it is to live without real pain, or starvation, to live in fear every single day because they don't know if some other group of people or tribe or a war in their country will kill them and/or their families. They treasure life. They don't know what it is to think about wanting to pollute their minds and bodies with poison, to ruin this gift of life -- and then complain about problems they could never relate to.

I've had a hard last two months, sickness, money stolen from bank, friends suffering and dying, divorce, etc., job firing because I'm dealing with the shit, health problems because I'm fat and can't stop living like a pig because I hate myself because my husband of 28 years let, and the list goes on. But I know that I have never known a hard day in my life. Most of my misery is self-inflicted, and if I chose to, I could make my life better and healthier, etc.

I just wonder if anyone else ever thinks how shallow or ??? I don't know the right word....we sound when we complain about things like this when we have it made.

I pray for everyone's recovery and better times.

There’s a heavy foundation in my life which is absolutely based in my own personal history of horrific abuse which I’ve been subject to at points since my own childhood. There are points aside from the OP.

Since then, I try and stay as away from those kinds of issues as much as I can. But the results are always there, and the weight is always on my own heart and mind. It’s sometimes easy to fall back into the worst of the worst feelings. And If I am not?

The account I gave wasn’t the most thorough of my entire life, what problems were the worst and what way. But the abysmal failure feeling I was having lived in the time of posting. It’s gotten heavier since, sometimes. As a 31 year old queer (man) things sure are tough right now.

But, sometimes my attitude and some perseverance to get up, stand up, and push through willl absolutely outweigh any past time I felt crushed. I mean if I get crushed to something I am really hoping to veto to success for me in my life. Anything.

The now is here, and when now hurts. It does. I have a ton of troubles from my childhood too - but here as I am there’s a silver lining. At least I (and we) aren’t there any more.

I’m currently in a social housing project which has been a miserable experience in many ways, yet I feel safer all at once. Because at least I am housed. My life problems accumulate and the solutions seem sparse. But, here as I am.

I am still fighting for a better life, heavier as it gets. I actually feel better tha. I did upon writing the OP. This is me coming from a point of positivity — your worst time is your worst,

Whatever the worst time for you is should not have to feel like the inferior pain just because someone else had it ‘worse’. Even actually and truly worse by every sense of your personal cultures and values.

We all get our bests, worsts, our perceptions, and the outtake. The silver lining here is you are actually only truly in competition with yourself for your best. And the worst passes on (well.. unless it doesn’t) to what’s next.

Do you understand what I mean? Don’t feel disillusionment because the guy in the war zone is having this incredibly tougher time - when all you’re doing is getting by your self.

It’s okay.

 

[Rainman1964]

There’s a heavy foundation in my life which is absolutely based in my own personal history of horrific abuse which I’ve been subject to at points since my own childhood. There are points aside from the OP.

Since then, I try and stay as away from those kinds of issues as much as I can. But the results are always there, and the weight is always on my own heart and mind. It’s sometimes easy to fall back into the worst of the worst feelings. And If I am not?

The account I gave wasn’t the most thorough of my entire life, what problems were the worst and what way. But the abysmal failure feeling I was having lived in the time of posting. It’s gotten heavier since, sometimes. As a 31 year old queer (man) things sure are tough right now.

But, sometimes my attitude and some perseverance to get up, stand up, and push through willl absolutely outweigh any past time I felt crushed. I mean if I get crushed to something I am really hoping to veto to success for me in my life. Anything.

The now is here, and when now hurts. It does. I have a ton of troubles from my childhood too - but here as I am there’s a silver lining. At least I (and we) aren’t there any more.

I’m currently in a social housing project which has been a miserable experience in many ways, yet I feel safer all at once. Because at least I am housed. My life problems accumulate and the solutions seem sparse. But, here as I am.

I am still fighting for a better life, heavier as it gets. I actually feel better tha. I did upon writing the OP. This is me coming from a point of positivity — your worst time is your worst,

Whatever the worst time for you is should not have to feel like the inferior pain just because someone else had it ‘worse’. Even actually and truly worse by every sense of your personal cultures and values.

We all get our bests, worsts, our perceptions, and the outtake. The silver lining here is you are actually only truly in competition with yourself for your best. And the worst passes on (well.. unless it doesn’t) to what’s next.

Do you understand what I mean? Don’t feel disillusionment because the guy in the war zone is having this incredibly tougher time - when all you’re doing is getting by your self.

It’s okay.

Joey,

I apologize for being a brat. I was having a shitty day and threw it out on you and the board trying to minimize the hell and constant bad things that keep coming at me the past 3 months. It will be ok. I really am wishing you all the best and will, with your permission, mention you in my prayer. Stay strong and hang in there. One day you will look back at this time, and plow into a parked car. (my bad humor).

Here is a better one: If life is a bowl of cherries, then we are all fruitcake.

V

 

[Joey]

Zoom zoom I've made $360 in the past 24h by completing 12 hours work for BCCSU on the alcohol use disorder committees in withdrawal management guidelines and in continuing care .

Annnd, I picked up some new paid work that's 30/hr because I am now joining the opiate use disorder team!

I'm gonna be on the issues with fentanyl and oxy and all that in this Country of Canada officially on a Health Canada CRISM project!

 

[Reuben The Sand Witch]

Forgive me for sounding insensitive, but I feel right now I am. Not to your pain, but to why most of us are here and in the position that got us here. It was a choice. A spoiled and unappreciative choice. There are millions, maybe even billions of people in the world every day who do not have the luxury of saying that the worst day of their lives would be one that they caused. They are born into poverty, starvation and some are tortured and don't know what it is to live without real pain, or starvation, to live in fear every single day because they don't know if some other group of people or tribe or a war in their country will kill them and/or their families. They treasure life. They don't know what it is to think about wanting to pollute their minds and bodies with poison, to ruin this gift of life -- and then complain about problems they could never relate to.

I've had a hard last two months, sickness, money stolen from bank, friends suffering and dying, divorce, etc., job firing because I'm dealing with the shit, health problems because I'm fat and can't stop living like a pig because I hate myself because my husband of 28 years let, and the list goes on. But I know that I have never known a hard day in my life. Most of my misery is self-inflicted, and if I chose to, I could make my life better and healthier, etc.

I just wonder if anyone else ever thinks how shallow or ??? I don't know the right word....we sound when we complain about things like this when we have it made.

I pray for everyone's recovery and better times.

Yes! I know exactly what you're getting at and it makes me feel even worse about myself. I think of how much worse others have it and all it does is reinforce my self-hatred. For example, I'm pissed because I got ripped off for over $500 a couple months ago-some people couldn't fathom spending that much on drugs because they're starving and can barely keep the lights on. There are even better examples. I'm currently in college and I hate it. I'm not even paying for it. I know it's a privilege, some will never get this opportunity. But I still hate it. I'm going to quit after this semester (this is the second time I've given up on a degree). I have wasted more opportunities than some will ever get. But who cares? I don't want to 'do' anything it seems, I have no passion for life anymore, no goals, nothing I want to do. I am also dependent on opioids so there's a chance my laziness and lack of humanity stems from the addiction and always being high (oxy seems to bring out a lot of gloomy things) and maybe if I were to get clean I would mature a bit and see that this life really is a gift and there are things out there worth learning about and worth doing